Tuesday, August 31, 2010

OK, JUST STOP NOW

I want to say first that despite what some may think, I truly am grateful for everyone's opinions even when I don't necessarily like them or agree with them. But as I said to a friend via text earlier tonight, you'd think with all the controversy about my change in calorie intake that I had announced I was willingly breaking the 11th commandment.

THOU SHALT NOT CONSUME LESS THAN 1200 CALORIES PER DAY!

The irritable side of me who is seriously craving sugar right now and who acts really immature a lot of the time wants to stick my tongue out and say 'I will if I want to, and just to prove you wrong, I'll succeed.'

However, my adult (more) mature side (the one I try to keep in control 99% of the time) knows that 1000 calories is a very small amount of calories to consume for any length of time. Like I said, I don't intend to make this my PLAN. (Granted I know I said UNLESS it is working for me) and yes, it is indeed working very well for me at the moment. I feel good. Better than I have in a few months actually. I feel filled but not full. I feel satisfied and not guilty. I feel better about myself and my choices. Maybe it will last. Maybe it won't. Maybe you don't agree with those choices I've made. That's okay. That is why you lead your life and I lead mine. Even if my choice is wrong, that is for me to learn and experience. I'm sure if I suddenly decided to go vegetarian or vegan or pescetarian that someone would have something negative to say about that too. (For the record, I could never not eat meat) The point is that this was my decision and I like my decision. If you don't than you have two choices. Continue reading to see how I succeed or fail and fall flat on my face OR stop reading. No one is has shackled you here.

That being said I will confess something. I chose to try out the 1000 calorie a day thing for one sole reason.

Wanna know the reason?
Well, too bad. I'm gonna tell you anyway. Haha

You see, I am the kind of person that is given a goal and I like to go far beyond the expectations of that goal. I am the kind of person that is given a limit and I also like to push those limits to see just how far I can go. (as you can imagine I was a horrible child) I am rebellious by nature and have an extremely hard time not arguing a point when I disagree with something (or even sometimes just for fun - yes I admitted that) So, now that you know my nature, I decided to play a little psychological trick on myself. I'm not sure why it's working but it is.

Hypothetically I give myself 1660 calories a day. (That is how many calories myfitnesspal.com gives me to lose approximately 2 lbs a week) Naturally, I will either hit that calorie limit or go over it just because of my rebellious nature. That isn't taking into account any emotional or bored eating I am doing not to mention any binges.

Now, say I give myself 1000 calorie limit. I WILL NOT EAT MORE THAN 1000 calories. (Has the light bulb popped up over your head yet? Do you see where I'm going with this?) Anyway, if I give myself a 1000 calorie a day limit than if I happen to stay under 1000 calories - that's ok. That's awesome. I did it! However, it is more likely than not that I will push the 1000 calorie limit (like today) and even go over it (like today) and that will be OKAY! Because I ended today having eaten 1277 calories.  (Yes, I ate more than I had anticipated because my Lean Cuisine was disgusting so I replaced half of it with Fiber Plus Bar) Still 1277 calories is NOTHING TO SNEEZE AT when before you were struggling to stay around 1600.

So, this is my new PLAN:

TRY to eat under 1000 calories so I will actually end up in a good range of calories. Okay? Is this more palatable? Less unnerving? Do you all feel better about my choices now? FYI- Said choices are subject to change at any given time and without notice.

Are We All Smiles Now?
Now, today is Tuesday. What does this mean? It means White Collar is on. Yep. The show I never miss. The show I never watch without a snack. I will not have a snack tonight. I plan to chew on my nails while I watch the divine beauty of this man.


And try desperately hard to forget about this:



GAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

It BURRRNNNNNNSSSSSS

And lastly, thank you to everyone who participated in the Salad Challenge. They were all very good, then again I LOOOVE salad. Stay tuned for the announcement of the winner of the Pink Mini Elliptical in September.

XO Kristen

SO FAR THIS ROCKS!

Day 2 of 1000 cals or under and I feel awesome!

Yesterday I ended with a total intake of 894 cals.

Today I will end closer to 1000 & possibly go over by about 100 because I was physically hungry (totally new concept) and ate a banana before lunch.

Breakfast: cinnamon raisin bagel + 2 tbsp cream cheese = 330

Mid morning snack - banana = 100

Lunch will be a lean cuisine panini = 310 cals

Dinner will be LC parmesean crusted fish & noodles = 290 cals

For an estimated total of 1030 cals + my 2.2 liters of crystal light for a grand total of 1070.

Add in my vigorous 20 minute dance workout I did and my net calorie intake is more like 879.

Oh hell yeah!

In answer to a comment left on my previous post I have no intention of making this my PLAN unless it really works for me. So far it is and if it continues to be as easy as the first 2 days have been there is no reason why I shouldn't use this weight loss tool to achieve my success. Then when it comes time to maintain I will find the correct tools to help me with that.

The most wonderful blogger at Escape from Obesity wrote a post a while back about tools for weight loss but I'm on my phone not my computer so I'll have to look it up and ask permission to repost it because it was pure genious.

In answer to the question about what I'm eating: I am successfully eating a breakfast that consists of one of the following:

- raisin cinnamon bagel w/ whipped cream cheese

- 1 krusteaz home made muffins out of a box

- 6-8 egg whites with salsa (super filling and my favorite of all the options but I usually only do it 1-2 times awake because then we run out of eggs)

- 1 cup of chex/cheerios w/ splenda and 1 cup coconut milk
(I tried almond milk and though I LOVE almonds I DID NOT like the milk. So I tried coconut milk instead and it is much more palatable)

- 1 package instant oatmeal + banana

For lunch and dinner I have a lean cuisine/ smart ones/ healthy choice meal

And that is it. I'm not much interested in cooking these days except for my girls so while I may bake some spaghetti squash or sweet potaoes and grill up some chicken/ steak/fish for them I'm not interested in weighing food and fussing over calories of condiments like cooking oil etc. So I cook healthy for them and eat my box meals because they taste good, are already premeasured and I know their approximate calorie content.

BTW I have found thus far that the feeling of hunger is much more pleasant than the feeling of being overly stuffed. As a matter of fact I am marveling at the sound of my stomach growling right now. It's almost as fascinating as when I was pregnant for the first time and would sit and marvel at the sensation of Buzzy nudging in there.

Kinda surreal cosidering I don't remember the last time I heard my stomach growl at me.

And now I am done babbling (for the moment)



XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday, August 30, 2010

UNDER 1000 CALORIES + ZUMBA

Allan from Almost Gastric Bypass has unknowingly and unintentionally (I think) dared me to try a diet of 1000 calories per day or less. I'm not eating on HIS plan because I will be eating my Lean Cuisines but I am challenging myself to a minimum of a week of 1000 calorie or less days.

Why am I doing this? Well, because I am a pretty sedentary person and I find that when I eat I rarely eat for hunger. So, I am going to see what it is like to BE HUNGRY. In addition to this I think it is a great way to lose some weight. Less calories in and more or less sedentary life style (except for running after small child-like monsters) and I think it'll work.

Today has worked out very well so far.

6 egg whites + salsa + 2 cups of coffee w/ cream for breakfast = 240 calories

Lunch was a Lean Cuisine santa fe style rice and beans = 300 calories

Dinner will be a Lean Cuisine sweet and sour chicken with rice = 300 calories

For a daily total of 840 calories + my 2.2 Liter jug of crystal light

Essentially 880 calories

AND I HAVEN'T BEEN HUNGRY . . . AT ALL! WHAT!??!?

((big smile))

The best part is that the simplicity of not being able to eat ANYTHING other than my breakfast + 2 lean cuisines makes things incredibly easy.

I do however have a mild headache but I think that is sugar withdrawal.

On another note, I took the leap and will be starting Zumba classes on September 21st. I would have liked to start earlier but that is when the next group of sessions start. So yay!!

I'm excited.

I'm actually REALLY excited. This is the most motivated I have felt since my initial beginning of this journey in January!

Let's watch the poundage melt!

XO Kristen

Sunday, August 29, 2010

WHAT? 2 POSTS IN 1 NIGHT?!?!

A little unknown fact about me might be that I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE to dance
I love music with a good beat and LOVE to shake my ass
(even though it isn't very attractive when I do so)

I found this Zumba video because I secretly have also always wanted to do Zumba
The problem is not that I lack rhythm
I have rhythm to spare
I'm also not really very concerned about what people think of me
Considering my coordination and rhythm I think even at 270+ lbs I look better dancing then some skinny girls who don't know how to move their bodies

So, I'm not sure what my problem is
But I DO KNOW WHAT MY GOAL IS
At my goal weight I want to look like this chick dancing
IF NOT BETTER
((EVIL GRINN))

WHEN DID THIS BECOME A PISSING CONTEST ?!?!?

As I have lurked around blogger-dom-dumb today, I have noticed a recurring trend (and not just in blogs I actively follow but especially in blogs I just happen upon) Perhaps I am the minority here, but in my opinion (as humble - hahahahahaha - as it may be *rolls eyes* ) I don't think it is anyone's job to judge, belittle, berate or insult weight loss bloggers.

Yes, I totally hear all of you who do so screaming at me the usual:




"If you don't want to be judged, don't air your dirty laundry."

"If you weren't such an idiot we wouldn't have to tell you so often."

"If you had even an ounce of self control we'd applaud you - but you don't."

"You can't do this."

"Why aren't you serious about this?"

"You're a horrible mother if you can't even control what goes in your own mouth."

Yeah, I've actually heard ALL of those before (and all were directed at me) and many more and you know what I have to say to that.


BESA MI CULO PENDEJOS!


And if you don't understand that - well - get rid of some of that hate in your head and maybe learn a second language. Use your time for something productive instead of lurking on people's blogs and acting the villain/monster/ or self proclaimed tough love - do gooder.

It really chaps my hide when others such as myself are having a REALLY tough time with this whole weight loss thing and other people (especially people who ARE NOT LIVING THE SAME JOURNEY) feel the need to question, judge and rudely comment.

It may sound incredibly simple to JUST EAT LESS and MOVE MORE. In theory it is so incredibly simple. So why is it so frickin' hard? Because food is attached to many overweight/obese/morbidly obese people by their emotions. To suppress them or enhance them , either way food is attached. It's very psychological and it isn't always easy to access the painful experiences that caused us to correlate food with that emotion. Often we don't even know that the food is attached to an emotion, let alone which one or how to fix it.

So all that blabbering is basically to say, HEY, IF YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN OVERWEIGHT, OR
IF YOU HAVE NEVER STRUGGLED WITH WEIGHT YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS GIVING ADVICE TO SOMEONE ABOUT HOW TO DEAL WITH THEIR ISSUES. (The physical acts of eating and exercise is a different story. You can go on for days about the physical ways this can be done) BUT WHEN IT COMES TO THE PSYCHOLOGICAL/EMOTIONAL SETBACKS YOU HAVE NO PLACE TO SAY ANYTHING.

IF YOU ARE ON THIS JOURNEY THEN I APPLAUD YOU IF YOURS IS SO EASY AND YOU HAVE NOT A SINGLE DAY OF SUFFERING OR STRUGGLE BUT THERE ARE OTHERS OUT THERE WHO ARE NOT YOU AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO COME ONTO SOMEONE ELSE'S BLOG AND BRING YOUR TOUGH LOVE (unless it is specifically asked for) NO ONE LIKES A KNOW-IT-ALL AND BY PREACHING AND BELITTLING YOU ARE ONLY OSTRACIZING YOURSELF FROM A WONDERFUL COMMUNITY (and if you don't want to be a part of the community in the first place than find somewhere else to spew your vile diarrhea of the fingertips)

Ok ((breathe)) I'm sorry for that little rant but lately some comments and posts have just been ,WOW, amazingly rude and have caused my blood to boil.


Moving on.


I wanted to comment on a couple comments made on my post with the sexy-ass firefighters and my most recent post before this.

toosexyforthisfat at I'm Too Sexy for This Fat said:

I guess I"m getting old, but the first thing I thought was "Eww! Take a shower!" LOL. I am also partial to men with hairy chests. Not allover body hair, mind you--just chest hair. What is with this trend for men to shave off all their body hair? Like I said, I guess I'm just getting old!

I laughed when I read this answer. Why? Number one because age has no defining factor in our taste in men. You like hairy chests. That's your thang and that's awesome. Number two, it just struck me funny. ((shrugs))

Number three because I hadn't even thought of them as looking dirty until you mentioned a shower. When I saw that pic I saw 3 extremely HOT extremely SEXY men who had just fought a fire and saved lives. That in and of itself is amazingly attractive to me. The fact that their abs and pecs are rock hard and their face's are gorgeous is only a plus.

I do have to say that when you said you are attracted to men with chest hair, all I could imagine was my ex. This might be waaaaayyyyy TMI but my ex is Mexican and extremely hairy. Like not only his chest and 'parts' but literally like every inch of his body EXCEPT his back. Think a backless bodysuit of sparse black hair with extra thick patches in 'certain areas'. I still laugh looking back into my memory bank. I think that is why I like the smoothness of these guys chests. I want nothing anywhere near resembling my ex.

As for the trend of hairless men, I think the same way many men these days like girls hairless 'down there' many girls like their men smooth and soft also. ((shrugs)) I could be wrong but I definitely prefer soft and smooth over hairy anyday. Aside from reminding me of my ex it also reminds me of my grandpa. LOL


Missa at LosingEthel said:

No Fair! I have had PMS fat and less fat. Sorry you are in the throws!
It will be over before you know it.
Cheers,
Missa
LosingEthel

I had to respond to this because I realize how much I complain when I know I had and have it pretty good. I got my period when I was 10 years old but never got cramps until I was probably about 12-13. Between the years of 12 or 13-22 I had wicked cramps. The kind that no hot bath, no heating pad and no amount of midol-pamprin-advil-excedrin-tylenol or any other drug could fix. Cramps that left me curled in bed crying and had me staying home from school/work. Then I got pregnant and miscarried and after that became pregnant 2 more times. It is only now that these cramps have begun again but they are mild.

However, like I had said I should be grateful that these cramps were not accompanied or preceded by PMS. I was definitely lucky. Then again as a teen I was lucky in several areas. I didn't get my first zit until I was 15 and I have only had maybe 3 or 4 since (like anywhere - no other pimples anywhere on my body). My sister and my then best friend have always snarled whenever the subject arises. LOL

Ok enough blabber. I must go relax and listen to music.

2 more days to submit salads. Just a reminder.

For those of you that enjoyed the previous photo of the sexy firemen, I will leave you with this.



In the words of Ice Queen at Fat Like Me:

"*drools and shorts out laptop*"

XO Kristen

WARNING WITH NO WARNING!

WARNING: PERIOD TALK - YOU'VE BEEN ADVISED

Apparently my body has been giving me signs that my period was coming, only I didn't know they were signs because I have never had any kind of PMS in my ENTIRE LIFE!

My period started today which is a huge relief, ONLY because I couldn't explain this bloated, crampy, craving feeling I have had for the last week. Unexplainable cravings that made no sense. (almost like I was pregnant again) and I have felt HUGELY bloated, and not just sodium bloated. Like uncomfy in my skin, my stomach protruding further than normal making uncomfy indentations from my pants and underwear. I had first associated it to a bit of a weight gain from my ever fluctuating diet but today everything finally rings clear.

It was all PMS. The crampy, bloaty, headachy-ness of it all WAS JUST PMS.

Quite a revelation for me. (Considering, like I said I have never had PMS)

I feel better though.

Now the new cramps I am experiencing is another story.

I have not experienced cramps in over 3 years since my miscarriage, and today even with just light flow my uterus feels as though someone is throttling it. ((sigh))

Must I revert to my teenage years where I would lie curled in a fetal position because I could only barely bear the cramps? Oh Joy!! Grrr . . .

On another note, I saw EAT. PRAY. LOVE with Julia Roberts yesterday and it was a fantastic movie. For anyone out there who loves or dreams of traveling and anyone who is in desperate need of FINDING THEIR WORD (you'll understand if you see the movie) or basically your purpose in life and your reason for existing than this movie may be for you.

And this is where I shall go. Breakfast is calling me and my girls. MMM Raisin Cinnamon bagel with cream cheese. HERE I COME!

XO Kristen

Friday, August 27, 2010

JUST FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE FUN

We went over which female body was the most desired/coveted by all of us females.
So, I figured . . . just for fun . . . which male body is most appealing?
There is NOTHING QUITE LIKE a man in uniform.
&
I can't choose . . . not that there is much variance, really.
((sits on hands))
Yummm
XO Kristen

STRUGGLES of SUCCESS & SUCCESS in STRUGGLING

Today has been a struggle but thus far a successful struggle.

Breakfast was a cinnamon raisin bagel with 4 tbsps whipped cream cheese for a total of 330 cals

Lunch was a Lean Cuisine - sun dried tomato basil and chicken flat bread for a total of 360 cals

I've snacked a bit throughout the day in order to keep me from binging.

Snacks have included

10 mini pretzels - 50 cals
3 special dark chocolate squares - 108 cals
1/2 sandwich thin with less than 2tbsp of peanut butter and 1 tbsp honey - for a total of 304 calories (so I guess this was more like a meal than a snack)

Dinner will be Costco meat lasagna (one portion) and salad (I think)

For a total of either 1497 total calories consumed or around 1660 calories consumed (depending on if there is salad)

I will admit though that it was a struggle not to eat more pretzels.

It was a struggle not to eat the whole special dark KING SIZE candy bar

and it WILL BE a struggle not to have seconds tonight

FORWARD

I was pleasantly pleased with the response regarding this photo I posted and the subsequent question about which girl you would prefer to resemble (body wise)


The resounding answer was that the curvier girl (third girl) was more appealing to look at as well as more healthy looking (taken from e-mails/comments)

Apparently if you go HERE <-- this was going to be a link but apparently between last night and today the article is no longer available - figure ---> (which is where I lifted the photo -lol) you will see that a recent study shows that men ALSO chose the second and third girl in a very close % as most attractive and desirable.

Yay! No more days of TWIGGY! Boobs and butt and hips and small waists are in!! Thank God!!

If you don't know who Twiggy is she is the model who started the skinny-fad.


I'm sorry but this ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ is just wrong


It doesn't look healthy or attractive at all (in my opinion) No boobs, no butt, and if you see her when she's standing no waist or any sign of muscle.

________________________________________
!! NOTICE !!
I weighed - took measurements - noted my pants/shirt/dress size and wrote it all down today
I will now be weighing - taking measurements - noting pant/shirt/dress sizes
every month until Dec
On January 1st (1 year from when I began this journey) I will do the semi-final
weigh - measurements - pant/shirt/dress size
Semi final because obviously I will not be at goal but I will be closer
((deep breath))
I will find the courage and the willpower and the desire to do this
I will do this
And now I will go struggle with dinner
and remind myself that I do not live to eat - I eat to live
Food does not control me - I control food
and I will attempt to listen to my body (as quiet as it may talk) and stop when I'm comfortable
NOT FULL
PS: August 31st is the last day to submit salad recipes. So submit em!
Later bloggies
XO Kristen

Thursday, August 26, 2010

ITSY BITSY FASHIONISTA WEARING A FAT SUIT

The common subject lately of blogs I read seems to be,

I'VE LOST WEIGHT BUT HAVE NEVER NEEDED ANY KINDA OF FASHION SENSE SO NOW I HAVE THE BODY BUT DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT . . .

((sigh))




I wish I had the same problem because then I wouldn't actually HAVE a problem until I lost all my weight. On the contrary though I am a narcissistic exhibitionist fashionista smoldering inside this fat suit.



It really fries my ass that I am the go-to person. When my 17 year old sister goes clothes shopping, I'm her tag-a-long buddy. When my aunt wants to know if something is cute or in style I'm the one to tell her. If my gramma wants to know if this makes her look too heavy or if this is the right length or style. Even my step-dad asks me about color coordination - I'M THE GO TO PERSON.



"Those who can't do, teach." - right?

GAG ME



It really sucks to go shopping with someone who is a size 8-14 who can pick any friggin thing off a hanger and look good in it. It sucks even more when that person just doesn't 'feel comfortable' even though they look hotter than ... hot.



I feel like a complete idiot walking around Forever 21 wearing my size 20 pants, knowing damn well nothing in that store except MAYBE the accessories would fit me and even more ridiculous when I'm wearing said jeans and a frumpy t-shirt and whoever I am shopping with/for walks up to me for advice. I'm sure every other shopper is wondering WHAT THE HELL the girl IS ASKING ME FOR. I'm just a fat slovenly pig. What possible fashion sense could I have???



Ohhhh brother, you don't know the HALF OF IT!



If I were thin I would be a clothes addict (give me a clothing store and a dress up model *like my sister* and I can go MADDDD) , a makeup whore (I love love love, X that, I ADORE M*A*C COSMETICS!, a perfume maniac - a different fragrance for every occassion and to match different outfits oh and shoes; don't even get me started on shoes. If I were thin I would be the obnoxious girl who has 10,000 pairs of shoes sitting in their brand new boxes because THAT pair of shoes only goes with THAT outfit that still has the tags hanging off of it. But it hangs among 10,000 other outfits that haven't been worn yet so it's just waiting its turn.



I haven't even gotten to the hair part yet. I swear my hair would be a different style and color every month. I LOVE EXPIRIMENTATION! Short, long, curly, straight, crimped, natural, chunky, blown out, hot ironed, permed, streaked, hilighted, dyed. You name it, I'd do it.



Alas, I do not yet have the body to accompany my intense passion for fashion <--- haha it rhymes ... totally not intentional. ---> but it's a total tragedy and such a waste.



I am going to attempt to start walking tomorrow. ATTEMPT. I'm not making any promises or crossing my heart or anything cuz God knows that will just set me up for failure. Instead I am going to say I'm going to try to walk from my home to our local supermarket and back. That's 4 miles. I don't know if I'll be able to do it with the girls. Maybe I'll just go half way. 2 miles is sufficient for a good workout. for now.



I'll leave you with this photo. Given the opportunity which girl's physique qould your prefer?



I definitely have a preference.



XO Kristen

DAMNIT

THIS IS ME YESTERDAY AND TODAY.


I JUST CANNOT KEEP IT TOGETHER.


I DO GREAT UNTIL MAD - ER -MID AFTERNOON.
(I swear the mad was a typo but it so totally fit I decided to keep it)


MID AFTERNOON IS WHEN THE GIRLS GET CRANKY AND READY FOR NAPTIME. I BECOME ON EDGE. I GET CRANKY. BEFORE NAP THEY USUALLY WANT A SNACK AND SO I GIVE THEM ONE. NORMALLY SOMETHING UBER HEALTHY BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY LIKE. SUCH AS A CUTIE (small orange) OR SOME WHEAT THINS. BUT IS THAT WHAT I CHOOSE TO SNACK ON ALSO.


OH NOOOOOO!!


I HATE MY LACK OF SELF CONTROL.


I HATE IT!
I HATE IT!
I HATE IT!
I HATE IT!
I HATE IT!

YET I DON'T STOP IT.


THERE IS SOMETHING SO WRONG WITH THAT!!


I keep thinking to myself, okay self . . . ahem . . . what was it in January through May that kept you on track? Then I answer myself . . . well self . . . these are the differences:


1. You spoke to your ex very little because during that time he didn't push to see the girls


2. You were motivated because you felt like shit


3. You didn't fit in any clothing except yoga pants


4. You had things to look forward to
(ie. Buzzy's gymnastics on Tuesdays, family dinners on Wednesdays and Fridays etc)


5. Your step father did not live with you


6. There was no junk in the house (because said step father did not live with you)


So, then I ask myself: Are any of these excuses valid to not continue to live a healthy lifestyle? The answer is no. Every part of me KNOWS the answer is A RESOUNDING NOOOO! Yet my hands still reach for those cookies/chips/candy.


____________________________________________

I was trying to think of other stuff to write but got distracted by SPONGEBOB of all stupid things.

So, I'm going to go now and return when I have something of substance to write.

XO Kristen

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

SOMETHING DEEP AND SOMETHING ... um ... MILDLY DEVASTATING

Is it too much to wish for someone who will sit with me while I cry? Someone who will listen and not take it personally because it has nothing to do with them? Is it too much to wish for someone who will touch my cheek, squeeze my shoulder, rub my back in consolation and tell me everything will be okay? Is it too much to ask for those gestures without expectation of ‘gratification’ in return? Is it too much to ask for someone who I can tell anything to . . . on any subject . . . at any time – day or night? Is it too much to want someone who I can lay with in bed and turn into to cry on their chest when I have had a nightmare, or I am feeling particularly low? Is it too much to want someone who loves me and understands me and doesn’t want to use and doesn’t need to abuse and will always be there for me?




I feel trapped in a dark tunnel. I see the light at the end of it, but am afraid to venture toward it because I don’t know where it will lead. Will it lead to freedom or will there only be more shackles to endure.




ON ANOTHER NOTE




Remember the hot hunk-a-steamin’ man I posted in an earlier post? Mr. Matt Bomer who plays Neal Caffrey from White Collar? Well a fellow blogger enlightened me on something. AND THEN I FOUND THIS:






!!!OMG WTF!!!

I mean I still like to look at him cuz I mean who wouldn’t want to look at THIS




But holy frickin Jeez!!

It's hard to lust after a guy after you've seen pictures of him like that.

I guess I'll have to think of 'Neal' & not 'Matt'. lol


XO Kristen

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

OFFICIALLY OFFICIAL

It is officially official that as of today I am back on the wagon again.

That was a long stretch of . . . I don’t even know what.

I suppose I should attempt to recap these past weeks. It was a roller coaster of massive proportions.

You see I did not merely fall off the wagon. No. That would have been too easy. Instead I fell off. Set there and pitied myself for a while as the wagon grew smaller in the distance. Then I got up, dusted myself and ran in the opposite direction. When the wagon was no longer visible and I had decided I had enough and I turned back around, the pantry gremlins kidnapped me, took me to their kitchen cave, tied me to the table and shoved food down my throat. You name it. I was forced to eat it. Chips N dip, cookies, cake, ice cream, candy, and even Twinkies and hostess cupcakes. I DON’T EVEN LIKE TWINKIES OR HOSTESS CUPCAKES! Then, for some reason the gremlins released me back out onto the path again with a sugar induced headache and without knowing which way was what. I stumbled in the direction I thought the wagon may have gone, only to be encountered by the stupid taunting gremlins. They would lure me in, no longer having to tie me down and I would consume mass quantities of food at their desire. Then I was back outside in a thick fog looking for that damned wagon. This happened again and again until today. Today I found a path that looked familiar and sprinted onto it. Not only did I pick the right path but I found that forsaken wagon and I’ll be damned if I didn’t jump back on it. I am currently sitting on the tailgate, dangling my feet off, already nostalgic for the taste bud orgasms food brought me. Fortunately, I am feeling quite secure here on the tailgate. Though the nostalgia is strong I don’t have any desire to jump off again. My belly literally aches at just the thought of it.

So what did I do today?

Breakfast was half of a Sara Lee raisin cinnamon bagel toasted with 2 tbsp’s of Philadelphia whipped cream cheese. Lunch was subway, a six inch veggie delite on whole wheat with pepper jack cheese, honey mustard dressing, vinegar and all the veggies including the yummylicious banana peppers. The only thing it was missing was avocado as Washington has something against avocados or something. In California you can get avocado at ANY subway at ANY time of the year. But oh no! Not here. Damn Washington. Along with my sandwich I had a bag of baked ruffles, the skin off my kiddos apple slices and a diet coke. At home I didn’t snack. For dinner I had 9oz of grilled tri-tip, 1.5 cups of mashed potatoes, and a half cup of cooked carrots. For dessert I had 2 squares from a special dark chocolate Hershey bar and then a little bit later I shared an applesauce cup with Breezy.

Anyway, I am pretty impressed if I do say so myself with it being my first day back on track. I’m also surprised I was only negative 9 in sugar. Normally I am waaaaaaay over the top. Like more than 50 grams over the top. While fat and protein are very rarely ever completely used, yet today they too were in the negative. I suppose I just had a really good/full day. I stayed under my allotted calories though! Yay!

Okay, so a question for all you calorie/point counters. Bitch cakes wrote a post recently about how even if a food is good for you (i.e.: veggies) or has 0 points (i.e.: veggies, gum, diet soda etc) that there are still calories involved. Even when something says it is 0 calories, it is only 0 calories for 1 serving. Eventually if you eat enough of whatever it is it will start to add up to something. Okay, it totally sounded better when she described it. In any case, my question is this:

I chew sugarless gum a lot throughout the day. Like I could go through half a pack in 1 day. I also use crystal light packets to flavor my water because I’ll admit that I HATE – DETEST – ABHOR the taste of plain water, especially if it is tap. The gum pack says it is 5 calories per piece and if I chew 10 pieces a day that is technically 50 calories. My crystal light packets say that for a serving size (8 fl. Oz.) it is approximately 5 calories. Well if I drink an entire packet, which is 8 servings of 8 fl. Oz that is technically 40 more calories. Would you add this into myfitnesspal? Do you think it has any true bearing on my weight loss effort? If I am constantly going 90 calories over my daily allotment do you think this will affect my efforts in the long run? Thanks in advance for your answers.

And I shall leave you with THIS because THIS is what I am leaving you to go watch.



I COULD JUST EAT HIM UP!!! I don’t care how many calories or points he’d be!

XO Kristen

ATTENTION - Part III

Part of my weight issue may be that I have always felt I needed to live up to thin-ness. Everyone in my family was always thin.

Examples: (I was going to apologize for the blur but in reality I think it works out better to protect identities etc)

My aunt and my mom


My mom


My aunt holding me when she was 14 and I was a newborn

My mom and 'it' errr.. I mean her then boyfriend, now husband


I have done well so far this morning on my eating. 1 half of a cinnamon raisin bagel with 2 tablespoons of whipped Philadelphia cream cheese.
For lunch I am going to take my girls to subway.
For dinner I think we are having tri-tip, mashed potatoes and a veggie.
REMINDER: SMALL PORTIONS, ONE PLATE . . . NO SECONDS!!

I have a ton of errands I need to run today.
Including the grocery store to buy diapers and the print shop to print my latest manuscript for my beta readers.
Salad Challenge is still underway so if you want to submit a salad please do so. You can find the rules by click on the Salad Challenge at the top of the blog under Society/ Challenges / Contests.
Sorry for no photos of my creations thus far.
I forgot with the first three and then decided if I didn't take photos of one I shouldn't take photos of the rest.
I definitely have my faves so far but will keep it hush hush till September.
That's all I got for right now.
So tired.
XO Kristen

ATTENTION SAGA – Part II

**WARNING**

Explicit adult content!
Not intended for those under 18 years of age

I have been thinking a lot about attention. Both the good and the bad kind but particularly the bad kind and its role in my life as an obese adult.

Growing up I was interested in sex from a very early age. I don’t even know if there was any particular event or point at which I became interested. I was just ALWAYS interested in it. How it worked. What happened, etc. I was extremely curious. I remember that my grandma had a book (a child’s introduction book on ‘how babies are made’) and that DID NOT SATE my curiosity. I felt there was more and knew I was being deprived of information. I remember asking again and again and again to see that book. I read anything and everything I could, even sneaking into adult sections of the Christian bookstore that my grandma frequented to try to learn more. I remember once I found a book that described sexual intercourse as the man laying his penis inside the woman’s vagina and all I could picture was placing a hotdog inside a hotdog bun. I just didn’t get it and KNEW there was more I needed to find out about. Why the insane curiosity??? I HAVE NO IDEA!




There were incidents as a child when I was around 6 or 7 when a friend of my grandparent’s brought their son who was a year or two older than me to their house. We were in my bedroom (I always had a bedroom there, even when I didn’t live there which makes my memories blurry on how old I really was) and we did the normal, ‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,’. I was fascinated. At age 7 I had my first (self inflicted) orgasm, although at the time I had NO IDEA what had happened. Just that it felt GOOOD. Once I was caught with a friend pretending to be boys. We took pens and stuck them inside our pants. I’m not sure what our fascination was with penis.

As I got older and finally learned how it all REALLY happened I became even more interested. At 14 in 1998(?) the internet was a huge draw for me. Because I had always been chubby I loved the idea that I could get online and talk to boys/men and not immediately be judged by my size. I LOVED chatting.

I’m not going to give explicit detail here, but at one point I was given the opportunity to spend 3 days completely alone and with that time I spent most of it on the computer chatting. I chatted with a man who told me he was 43 years old and that he’d like to see a picture of me. Being 14 I didn’t see how a photo could do any harm so I sent it. He requested more so I sent them. When I requested one of him I received a very blurry image but didn’t really care. After-all he was 43. He was OLD! (He was only 6 years younger than my grandpa) Anyway, we chatted and he convinced me to give him my phone number and we chatted on the phone. The conversation was of a very flattering and vaguely sexual nature.

** I’d like to say here that up until I turned 21 I would have sworn up and down that I was completely 100% at fault for what happened. I blamed myself and thought that if I hadn’t ‘seduced’ him, if I hadn’t been so stupid as to chat with him, if I hadn’t done this or that yada yada than what happened next wouldn’t have happened. I now realize that my fragile teenage psyche was manipulated and I really wasn’t as in control of the situation as I had thought I’d been. I realize now that yes, it was my fault for chatting with people I knew I shouldn’t have been but it was his fault for preying on innocent teenage girls. Yes, that’s right. It wasn’t just me.

That night he convinced me to give him the address where I was so he could come visit me. He lived nearly 1.5 hours away. I’m not sure what I thought would happen. I’m sure I had some semblance of an idea because I immediately showered and shaved EVERYTHING. But when he came in and the touching started I was surprised. Maybe I thought he’d be put off by me in person. Maybe I hadn’t actually believed he would come. I don’t know. But he did come and he performed 26 of 48 counts worth of charges on me that he would later be charged for.

The guilt after that night was excruciating and enormous and I even cringe now as I remember it. It brings a ball of nausea into my stomach that is difficult to suppress. I remember being horrified when it was done as he waltzed into the bathroom and peed but didn’’t flush. The smell was so strong and the sight of him was awful. I remember stripping the bed after he had left and wondering what I was going to do because the sheets were wet and I hadn’t been given permission to use the washer/dryer. What excuse would I give for wet sheets. I think I later lied about peeing in bed. I remember lying in bed that night obsessing over the whole event and then I called my then boyfriend to take my mind off of it. Yes, I had a boyfriend who ironically shared the same name as the man who had come over. Unfortunately my boyfriend was your typical horny 17 year old and so all he wanted to do was talk about sex on the phone.

The next year of my life was literally spent on house arrest, not only as a punishment but for safety reasons. It was HUGE news that 2 young teenage girls (Again – I won’t go into detail but my best friend was involved as well which accounts for the remaining 12 charges) were raped by a very prominent chef.

As you probably know I grew up in a wealthy suburb of Los Angeles and if you are not familiar with or have been living under a rock you would know that Los Angeles is heavily populated by Latinos and they stare! If you don't have anything dangling between your legs or any hair growing on your face they will stare. I got a lot of this as a young teen. Especially after that whole incident. At least I noticed it more. I noticed how they looked me up and down. I thought it was flattering but I think inwardly I hated it, because I ate. I ate a lot. So much in fact that I started gaining weight rapidly. I went from close to 200lbs to 230 in no time flat but the attention didn't stop there. That following summer at 15 years old I began my first summer job at a local fast food Mexican restaurant (no not Taco Bell) where I met my now ex husband.

**Tangent - I wonder if because the man who abused my friend and me was Latino I felt some obscure and possibly sadistic need to punish myself by being/subjecting myself to being with someone similar.

10 years later I am now 100% positive that I was attracted to him because he gave me attention that felt good. But 10 years ago you couldn’t convince me that I wasn’t in love with him. The rest is history. I never had another boyfriend besides him. I never had sex with anyone besides him.

It didn’t take long after our ‘first time’ for me to get sick of sex and now sex is a dirty word (quite literally) to me. When I think of sex these are the words that should come to mind: love, beauty, fun, exciting, enchanting, mutual, enjoyable. But when I think about sex these are the words that ACTUALLY come to mind: chore, obligation, quick, boring, dirty, yuck.


I think all of this in addition to the verbal and emotional and eventually physical abused I suffered during that duration of 10 years is partially contributed to why I have gained weight. I noticed as I have started losing weight that men look at me. I don’t know why they look at me but they do and regardless I have days where I bask in the attention and other days when I want to poke their eyes out and ask them what they’re staring at. Yesterday I was told by someone that my eyes looked beautiful, that they popped out at them with the way I had done my make-up. I was flattered. If that same scenario had presented itself today though, I would have thrown a fit. I feel so messed up.

Today I saw the ex for our normal Monday morning breakfast and visit with the girls. He kept looking at me and I noticed the more I ignored him looking at me the more snippety and angry he got. By the end of the visit he practically threw the girls in their car seats. So what did I do? Did I cry? Did I scream and shout and stomp my feet? No. I ate.

I’ve decided that I feel more emotionally protected, more emotionally secure with my armor of fat.


I’ve decided that I feel vulnerable and weak and subjected without it.


I think it’s time I stop being a wuss.

It’s time to act like an adult and be an adult and lose the weight.

No more binky sweets or salty babas (lol)



I need to get rid of the protective wall and build an armor of confidence

((Sigh))

I have a looong road ahead of me.


XO Kristen

Saturday, August 21, 2010

ATTENTION – Part I

I am pretty sure that most everyone on some very large spectrum likes attention. Whether it be from their family or spouse, friends or strangers, acknowledgements for accomplishments or just a passing ‘hi’ from acquaintances, I am sure the majority of people crave interaction and therefore attention. And this is my problem. I think one of the reasons I am so stressed and so stuck in this junk food binging rut is because I am receiving a friggin ton of bad attention (i.e. the berating from my mom, the pity parties from my ex etc) and not enough good attention (i.e. personal conversations with my mom just mom to daughter, visits with friends, words of encouragement from people I speak to face to face everyday) So, I’m going to work back to this point from the beginning and see if I am just being overly needy or if there is a pattern of a need for attention OR if I’m just normal and craving acceptance)

So, without further adieu:

From a very young age I remember both loving and loathing attention. I loved attention from my friends and family. I specifically remember after I moved back from Washington to California when I was 10 years old and resumed studies at the same elementary school I had attended the year before that my two best friends had a screaming contest about who was my bestest friend. I felt special.

As a young child I had many issues. Separation anxiety was a big one. I hated school, especially if for some reason I was late. I DID NOT want to be the one who walked into class and everyone looked at as I took my seat. I didn’t want to go to my class at Church on Sundays and whenever my grandparents or mom put me in dance or gymnastics or Vacation Bible School they always lost their money because they couldn’t force me away from them long enough to see if I even enjoyed the activity. I did however, love group activities. I enjoyed being in the church kids’ choir, and doing assemblies where the kids sing up in front of the school. Odd, I think.

I remember from a very young age being teased about my weight. I was always called fat, chubby, a whale, an elephant (even though I was never really THAT big) I remember in sixth grade a boy asked me why I was wearing legging shorts and a t-shirt. It was not in style anymore but it was what I was comfy in. I had shrugged and he had proceeded to go whisper to his friends about how huge I was. That was the kind of attention I did not like.

At home I don’t remember much about what kind of attention I got from whom. I remember living at my grandparent’s house until I was 6 years old. My mom had me when she was 16 and so obviously we lived with them. My mom was a self-admitted narcissist. She knew her poo-poo did not stink and that every boy/man should fall at her feet. I remember much of those first 6 years of my life being with my grandparents, my great grandparents and sometimes my aunt (who now as I look back was between 14-20 during those 6 years) I remember spending a lot of time in front of the TV with food. Now, I’m not blaming anyone for anything. I honestly don’t know if this is how I spent most of my time or just how I remember it. I remember watching the Disney channel (when it still played all the good cartoons) and the WB (when it still existed on basic cable) with fruit chews or chips or what have you as an after school snack. I clearly remember in the mornings sharing my grandpa’s fruity protein shakes with him. He was a retired police officer turned contractor-gym buff so his protein shakes were always full of yummy goodness like protein powder, frozen fruit, yogurt, juice etc.

In my gramma’s care I remember often working out to workout videos with her. Like I said, my grandpa was a gym buff and he expected his wife to be fit and so she worked her butt off literally to please him – which she never fully could. So I remember doing Richard Simmons with her, Jane Fonda (sp?) and she would take me to the local gym and leave me in the kid’s room to be watched after while she worked out. I never did like that place. She would also take me for walks and encourage me to either walk or ride my bike. Often though, I remember her either carrying me or pushing me back home on my bike. That, OR me pouting/screaming all the way home that I didn’t want to go for a walk.

In my great grandparent’s care life was much different and much more sedentary. My great grandma and I played barbies, marbles, dollies, watched TV and ate. I remember eating A LOT with them. Eggo waffles in the morning if I had spent the night with butter and syrup in ALL the little squares. For lunch I often had cup’O soup or top ramen and I most commonly remember her making spaghetti-os or corned beef hash with eggs and toast for dinner. I spent the night there often and would sleep either in my great grandpa’s bed (they never shared a bed and slept in separate twin beds my entire life) or when I got a little older my great grandma would pull out the hide-away bed couch and we would sleep together on it. That was when TGIF was still on every Friday night and we would watch the good old shows like Step By Step, (of whom I went to school with one of the children) Family Matters, Full House and more and of course we would always have snacks.

When I turned 6 my mom got married. ((cringe)) Since I had been 6 months old my mom had an on again off again relationship with my step father. (yes, she is still married to him 20 years later – in fact I think their 20th anniversary is coming up on August 31st) Anyway, the man was super verbally abusive, possessive and just so very wrong.

My first memory of him is sitting in my mom’s then 1980-sumthin red Toyota pickup in my car seat (so I must have been maybe 3?) and we had stopped at a stop sign in front of a busy street that was perpendicular to where my step-dad lived. While stopped at that intersection my step-dad (her then boyfriend) pulls up along side of her in his silver pickup, rolls down his window and she does the same. These were the manual window rollers though so she was leaning across me in order to do so. Immediately a fight ensued. Loud screaming and yelling. I don’t remember thinking anything in particular. I don’t remember much except the vehement expression on my step-dad’s face. Scary stuff.

Fast forward 3 years and now she’s gonna marry the dude. This is the third proposal after the first two were rejected because my family had been able to talk some sense into my mom. The third time was the charm (haha, not so much) and she married him. I was moved out of my grandparent’s home to go live in the next city over in a small apartment. I remember missing my grandparents so very much.

This time of my life is non-existent in my memory except for one small thing. I remember that when my mom and step-dad would fight I would go to the freezer for popsicles and eat and eat and eat popsicles until there were none left. I found solace in the popsicles. How this started I have no recollection. Perhaps while my mom was in the midst of screaming at my step-dad in person or on the phone and I had needed her attention she had stuffed a popsicle in my mouth to shut me up. Maybe. I don’t know for sure. All I do know is that when they fought, I looked to food for comfort and attention because my mom was not physically or emotionally able to give it to me.

My mom worked nights during those times as one of the highest paid managers at our local grocery store and I was left alone with my step-dad. I have extremely few memories of these occasions as well. Two are crystal clear though. One night I was particularly upset that my mom was leaving me to go to work, and leaving me with HIM at that and I just kept crying and crying well after she had left. He was not consoling, telling me she’d back but to stop crying about it. All of these very few words spoken from his relaxed position on the couch watching his precious sports. This same night when I couldn’t stop crying he finally told me, at 7pm (my bedtime was 10) to go to bed and not come out of my room. That he didn’t want to hear me anymore. So I sat on my bed and cried until I fell asleep. I don’t remember if I had dinner.

And tonight this is where I will end the first segment of the Attention Posts. Next soon to follow.

XO Kristen

I'M ALIVE

Barely.

I have had a headache for the past 2 days.

Partially stress induced.

Mostly sugar induced.

I went on a shopping spree the other day at the market.

It wasn’t full of fruits and veggies and lean meats either.

No. Rather it was full of oreos, grasshoppers (if you don’t know what they are think girl scout cookie ‘thin mints), chips and dip, garlic bagel chips, ice cream snicker bars, lofthouse raspberry icing sugar cookies, and the list goes on and on and on and on.

I’ve been a mess. A complete and utter mess.

I can’t seem to drag myself out of this self-sabotage, junk binging rut. I want to. I think.

I have felt lethargic.

Lazy.

Bored.

Uninspired.

Unmotivated.

Alone.

I think a very small portion of my depression comes from the distance I feel from my family. Unless the entire family is getting together I am not invited to things. I can only assume because they don’t want babies present for whatever it is they’re doing or it is just inconvenient to have little ones around but I am sure that is the reason. Or maybe my crappy mood is the reason. Regardless, I am not invited when people go out to lunch. I am not invited when people go out to coffee. I’m not invited to go shopping, or to do anything fun, UNLESS everyone is going. But even then I drive alone with my girls. I have to ask someone to go with me. It is a very rare occasion when someone offers and I truly believe it is more out of pity than a true want to be with me and the girls. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m hallucinating and just full of self pity.

I feel pathetic.

I am pathetic.

I don’t want to care how much time my family does or does not spend with me. I just don’t want to care.

Today is an extended family member’s birthday party. First I was told I couldn’t eat the food unless I gave a portion of money which I do not have. That was fine. I understood. Then I was told that I needed to buy the birthday girl a card because they’re generous enough to invite me to their house (as if they aren’t family!) I feel very estranged. My aunt seems to snipe at me and look at me and roll her eyes. My mom is CONSTANTLY berating me for not doing enough as a mom. She berates me when I’m not teaching my girls enough, and when I’ve taught them so well that they are self sufficient in whatever I have taught them and then she says I am not participating in their life.

In addition to feeling estranged, I feel attacked from every side.

Then to top it all off, as if that isn’t all enough, my ex texts me and tells me he wants me to move back in with him. Not just that he wants me to move back in with him but this long sad sob story about how horrible he feels without us and how he thinks of us every moment of every day and when he sees children at his work it makes him want to cry which is affecting his work moral. AAAGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

I didn’t weigh yesterday. No reason. I know the scale is up. WAAY up! ((sigh))

I feel like the only thing I have going for me are my books and even then I read them over and wonder why in a world of talented writers that any agent or publisher would want my book. I’m not special. I’m average at best. What makes me think I’ll succeed? Regardless that is the only hope I have of ever getting out of my mom’s house and any financial obligation to anybody else. So, I queried 25 agents last night and resubmitted my revised manuscript to an agent who had read and rejected the original. I am hoping to have a couple more manuscript requests with the ultimate result of eventually snagging an agent. We’ll see. Only time will tell.

Now that I have gotten all that off my chest, I won’t be surprised if I lose some followers. It seems whenever I get into these little ruts of mine that I inevitably lose people. That’s ok and I understand. In a world full of pessimism sometimes you just don’t want the weight of other people’s problems on top of your own. OR you agree that I am pathetic. LOL In any case, that’s all I have to write.

Will attempt a more optimistic post at a later date.

XO Kristen

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

PISSED PISSED PISSED-Y PISSED

* This post contains profanity . . . just sayin'.



Damn me and my brain.

Damn me and my brain and all the bullshit I do to myself.

Damn my loss of motivation.

Damn my loss of motivation and my subsequent need to sabotage myself

Damn my brain again!

Damn my brain for whatever hormonal or chemical imbalance that lets me think I deserve to overeat

Damn my brain for justifying overeating not only as an indulgence but as a compulsion


Damn it damn it damn it damn it damn it damn it damn it ALL!

So, as you can probably ascertain this hasn't been a good week.

Not in any way really.

Nothing specifically bad has happened

Which makes me think it's all really in my head

But then I think if it's all really in my head I probably wouldn't see it that way

Which in turn has me turning nauseating circles of blame and justification and vengeance ON MYSELF!

I weighed myself this morning for the mommy and me challenge. NOT PRETTY. I'm actually so embarrassed to say the actual number that I won't.

Speaking of the mommy and me challenge, well, let's just say it is almost non-existent. My mom really isn't into it and when you are competing against someone who isn't competing against you, the inspiration to succeed pretty much blows away like a fart in the wind.

I am feeling emotionally stranded.

DAMN IT!

I don't know what to do.

I'm so frickin' bummed out.

I don't even know what to write.

I want to lose weight . . . BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT BAD ENOUGH . . . I know I can hear some of my readers thinking this. I know it so don't deny it!

I want to get my motivation back . . . WHO NEEDS MOTIVATION. JUST DO IT AND STOP WHINING! . . . Yeah yeah yeah, I know!


THIS BITCH FEST HAS BEEN INTERRUPTED FOR BREAKING NEWS!

I just spent the last 10 minutes jumping, flailing and ricocheting across my room, tripping over toys and cursing like a sailor trying to kill the damn fly that has mistaken my house for his own.

And now this house fly:


Is DEAD

VICTORY!

Now back to your regular irregular programming.

Many plans of action have been running through my head.

Hold off on anymore 'losing weight' until I have finished my book. 1 month tops. Then I scratched that. I feel like SHIT-O-LA when I eat crap so then I think, as long as I eat mostly healthy but don't pay too much attention to it and then finish my book, THEN I will concentrate on losing weight. That sounds like a good plan but then I keep thinking about how much time I am wasting and where I could potentially be as opposed to where I will be if I follow that train of thought.

Unfortunately, I have also entertained the option of NOT FINISHING my book until I have my healthy lifestyle underway again and this just is not a viable option. No, I just can't do it. ((shrugs)) Becoming a published author is my only chance at accomplishing my dreams and really making something of myself (something that I want to be) so stopping the one thing that would bring me closer to that just isn't going to happen.

I keep wondering why I am having such a problem right now.

Why is it that one day I am gung ho and the next I feel like there is absolutely no point.

What the EFF happened to my New Years Resolution, kick this fat in the ass attitude?

I lost it.

I can't find it.

I keep catching glimpses of it.

But it's like an illusion and keeps disappearing again.

DAMN IT!

DAMN IT!

DAMN IT!

DAMN IT!

DAMN IT!

XO Kristen

Friday, August 13, 2010

MIXIN IT ALL UP IN THE FAT CHICK WEIGHS WORLD

I have decided to change things up for The Fat Chick.

I have decided to make things more positive.

If I call myself THE FAT CHICK and say THIS IS THE FAT CHICK WEIGH, subconsciously I will always feel THE FAT CHICK and have the potential to revert to her WEIGH/WAY.

So I have changed my blog to Kreating Kristen. Not RE-kreating. Just Kreating. Why? Because I realized I DO NOT KNOW WHO I AM.

Since I was 15 years old I was known as my Ex's girlfriend, then wife. Known as, but felt more like his possession, his puppet, his doormat. In 2008 I became Buzzy's mommy and in 2009 I became Buzzy and Breezy's mommy.

But as I drove through the back roads of my little town today while the girls slept in the backseats enjoying the beautiful serenity of the green pines and the heat of the sun shining through my window, thinking of plots for my books and listening to my favorite music on the radio, a fleeting idea flashed through my mind.

THIS IS WHO I WANT TO BE.

But who was I if I am not this person I want to be?

It was a sad revelation to admit to myself that I DON'T KNOW.

Thus, I have decided to kreate myself. Kreate instead of Create because God above all else Created me but in this journey I have started I will begin to chip away at the layers of protection including fat and all other barriers I have built around myself to protect me from pain and sadness and misery and LIFE. I will leave this current person in a trail of dust until I emerge on the other side, the person I momentarily felt in the car today.

Starting here and now things are changing. Much will remain the same and change will only occur on the inside but I plan to share my journey, if nothing else then to document it and to be able to go back and reminisce one day and to say THIS IS HOW I ACHIEVED MY GOAL.

I hope you all don't mind the mild detour on this ride. This is STILL a weight loss blog and weight loss will probably remain the focal point of my posts but with the weight loss will come achievements, and potential I have only imagined other people capable of. I am capable and I will prove it to myself.

MISSION KREATING KRISTEN BEGINS NOW . . .


PS: That said, I woke up this morning and was so ravenous that I ate breakfast before I realized I hadn't weighed myself. Oops. So, no weigh in this week. FIRST EVER! Gahh, next week should be doubly as good then, right? RIGHT!
XO Kristen

Monday, August 9, 2010

A GLIMPSE OF OBESITY

My mom developed this photo today from a disposable camera she found.

This was three days after Breezy was born a year ago. Aside from the fluids they pumped into me pre and post c-section I weighed approx. 350lbs! Wholy Heck! 350lbs on a small frame of 5'3 n 3/4" is NOT healthy! Look at my face! Hi swollen!!







I remember feeling gender neutral even though I had just had a baby and only a few months ago did I feel feminine again.

Now, I'm happy to report that I am quickly reclaiming the self I had lost. I'm wearing makeup again. I'm doing my hair. I'm not wearing t-shirts and sweatshirts interchangeably to every occasion and my yoga pants sit folded in the top of my closet unless I'm exercising or wearing them to sleep.

So now I don't feel like this:






I feel like this:





I feel pretty and feminine and myself.

I just want to post those comparison photos because I was literally shocked at my size. I mean, I knew I felt huge and horrible but didn't realize how huge I actually was.

The Fat Chick

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


Sunday, August 8, 2010

I DON'T WANT PITY - THIS IS A PARTY OF ONE

This is not a pity-me post, but I am wallowing in a bit of self pity right now.

I am just feeling at an utter standstill in my life. I almost want to title how I feel and call it depression but to me that is the easy way out. Because the answer to depression for many is simple; meds. I don’t do that. I make my life what it is. I decide whether I will be happy or miserable and meds are just a way for me to mask that. (for the record I have never been diagnosed with any kind of depression and I have never taken any kind of stimulants or downers to help with my ups and downs) It just seems that for a little while now (and of course it isn’t all the time – it comes and goes) I just feel stagnant.

My girls are growing beautifully but sometimes I feel like I don’t do everything I should be doing. Should I be spending more time with educational recreation, more time playing, more time disciplining and teaching manners and how to be ‘good’? Do I take them out enough, keep them in enough? Do I allow others to spoil them excessively? Do I socialize them enough with other children? ((deep breath))

In addition to that I am feeling lonely and agitated. I WANT A DIVORCE but fear what my ex will demand and what I will have to sacrifice regarding my girls. I know, I know. Odds are in my favor that I would get custody yada yada but I just don’t want to risk it. Not to mention that I don’t have the funds. I simply don’t and divorces and lawyers do not come cheap. On the other hand I have been craving socialization. I see other couples and the way the man will touch the woman on her neck and squeeze gently, or he’ll brush a strand of hair off of her face (the simplest of actions) and I immediately have to remind myself that they have their problems. Nothing is rose colored bliss all the time for anyone. But how I crave to not be alone.

I haven’t been able to scrounge inspiration to write in my book for almost a week now. So while the structure-bones of the story are all constructed it lacks the meat, the detail, the love that makes it a book and not just a retelling of events. Thankfully on Wednesday or Thursday I get some hours to myself and hopefully I will be able to remedy this writer’s block.

I slipped and fell off the wagon on Friday (the county fair), did well yesterday until the evening and slipped again and today we spent the entire day at the zoo. So while I walked for nearly 4 hours straight my food choices were limited and not the healthiest. To finish the day off we had Breezy’s cake smash and I so wanted to say no to that cake. My Healthy Voice told me I could. My Fat Chick Voice told me one slice wouldn’t kill me and so I had one slice. White cake with fudge filling and butter cream frosting. Thank God I was interrupted while eating it by Buzzy and when I returned it had been either consumed or tossed in the trash. (Thank God for small favors)

Tomorrow it’s back to it. I hate that I say that so much. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. I suppose I could say next meal if I decided to write in my blog earlier in the day but I usually write at night when the girls are asleep.

The one fabulous benefit from Friday and today was how much I walked. Nearly 4 hours straight both days and while I wasn’t training for any kind of speed walking event and my pace was actually rather slow, I am glad to report that myfitnesspall.com says that 4 hours of walking at 2.0mph burns around 1200 calories. Nice!

And now, because the consequences of falling off the wagon are belly aches and extreme nausea (the kind that has you wishing you could throw up cuz it would just make you feel so much better) have hit I will lay down and rest.

Goodnight blog world.

The Fat Chick

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