Thursday, September 30, 2010

GONNA GET CRAP FOR THIS - BUT I GOTTA GET IT OUT

Warning I - Husband related     Warning II - Adult content

I won't go into the details of what I had previously posted regarding my husband. If you want to read more about him you can go HERE - HERE - HERE - HERE - HERE - HERE or HERE <-- they're backwards so start with the last HERE if you want to start closer to the beginning.

For those of you that are as sick of me yo-yo-ing with my emotions regarding my husband as you are with me yo-yo-ing with this healthy lifestyle than this post isn't for you and of course, (it really pisses me off that I have to do this but --) I ask that if you have criticism, comments, advice etc - please be respectful. Thank you.

I told you some time back I had contacted my lawyer to start the divorce proceedings. I had the appointment. We talked about what would be stipulated in the paperwork - and then I chickened out. I got SCARED! Like crap my pants, there in the office - ready to bend over between my knees and hurl onto her expensive looking wine colored carpet. I started shaking. I started worrying. I physically felt like the world was caving in on me. Now, I know what this was. It was a mild panic/anxiety attack. But I couldn't see straight, think straight to focus on that and then the lawyer started talking about the holidays. I don't remember what she said exactly but all I could imagine was my poor babies suffering through the holidays in some custody battle from HELL and that is when I looked the lawyer in the eye and told her I wanted her to keep my information on file and that after I had spoken with my family I would be back to finish everything. 

I spoke with my family. They are torn. Half of my family thinks right now my situation is ideal. I live with my family. My children and I are well taken care of and have promise of never ending shelter and care from my family. It is an extremely stable, predictable, healthy environment for my girls. This same half of my family would also support me if I ever chose to go back to my husband. The other half of my family is all for divorce. Divorce him now and get him out of your life. He's worthless. He's a leech. He comes from a different culture with different customs and he will never change. This side does not support me going back with him EVER stating the same as the reasons. He's worthless, he's a leech, he's from a different place with different customs and you can't change that. You can't change him. He won't change. 

And on top of my confusion my husband is literally begging me to not go through with the divorce. He's offering to go to counseling, to take anger management classes, to do ANYTHING I want him to. He said he is WILLING to change. Do I believe him? I don't know. I am sooooooo soooooo confused. On one hand, he is the father of my babies. I am still technically married to him and I DO take my vows very seriously. For richer and poorer (which is definitely where we sit right now) and in sickness (even mental) and health (he is very pro my new healthy lifestyle and is willing to do anything to help me reach my goals) He wants to do things with the girls and me. He keeps asking me to book our trip to Disneyland. He keeps talking about soon after, booking a trip to Sea World. He is constantly talking about his girls. How intelligent and beautiful they are and I love that he speaks Spanish with them. I always wanted them to grow up bilingual and I always forget to enforce that.

I just DO NOT KNOW what to do. Well, I guess actually there really isn't anything to physically do right now. Financially we are unable to live together. Our credit is in the dump so no apartment or rental company would want to take us on as a risk. So, I will stay here with my mom where my grandfather is talking about building a mini studio apartment into the side of the house for the girls and me. So, it's all emotional. Give him more chances or break it off.

Is it wrong of me to want to be with the man I promised 'TIL DEATH DO US PART? Is it wrong that I love when he tells me I'm beautiful and when he randomly brushed his hand over mine? Is it so wrong to get a strange rush out of it?

AGH! I hate that I feel guilty for holding onto hope for us. I hate that I feel like such a child. Yo-Yo-ing between choices. I hate that I feel like I need to hide it when I start to feel emotionally attached to him. I hate that I feel like I need to explain myself. I hate it so much. I am an adult woman . . . almost 26 years old . . . yet I still feel like the 16 year old girl who was forbidden from seeing him. Only now there is no one to say what I said to my mom then. "You can either let me see him and know what I'm doing and where I am or I can do it behind your back and you'll know nothing." - Yep, that's what I told her one night when she got mad at me for being with him half hour past curfew. She caved and allowed me to see him when I wanted. I was 17. I still feel 17. I still feel the need for ultimatums. Only now I don't know who the ultimatum is with. Myself? I don't know who is supposed to cave? Me? Myself? Or I?  

I just want to scream.

If I were to choose to try to make things work again these would be the stipulations. (I wonder how he'll feel with 'conditions'. He's always hated conditions - but per his words today he would do ANYTHING to make me happy - hmmm)

  • The girls and I come first - It is not his responsibility to take care of his parents, regardless of what Mexican customs say. We are his family now. The money he makes as my husband and the girls' father is to take care of us here in the United States, not them in Mexico. He has 12 other siblings to handle that.

  • There will be no violence. Even the faintest step in the direction of violence will result in a deal breaker

  • There will be no more threats. When there is a disagreement/fight it cannot/will not end in threatening to leave/divorce or anything like that. Stability is essential. Mostly for the girls. They need to know that no matter how much mommy and daddy might disagree that mommy and daddy love them and love each other and nothing is going to change that

  • We will not be visiting Mexico (especially with the current administration)

  • There will be no other females other than co-workers in his personal life. Normally friends would be acceptable but he has a strange issue with becoming too personally attached to other females - telling him he loves them, misses them, yada yada. NO OTHER WOMEN BESIDES THE 3 IN HIS HOUSE. ME, BUZZY N BREEZY.

  • NO ONE CAN USE OUR PERSONAL INFO FOR THEIR BENEFIT. If his co-workers, friends, whatever are illegal in this country or for some reason unable to get their own car insurance, drivers licenses, registration, cell phones or the like they ARE NOT to use our address, his name, my name, his cell number or  mine for their benefit.

  • NO LENDING MONEY!

  • He owes my grandfather upwards of $50,000. That debt will start to be paid on again.

  • We will either declare bankruptcy or start to pay off our debt in collections. I am so sick of credit calls because he decided to stop paying the bills.

  • I am his wife. Not his maid or personal chef. I will clean the house my way when I deem appropriate. At least 1x a week. I will also do the laundry the way I want to. If I am cooking for you, you will eat what I cook and if you don't like it/want it you can make/buy something for yourself.

  • Sex needs to be mutually desired. Not on demand whenever HE wants.

  • Religion is up for discussion. Not dispute, just discussion.
There's more that I can't think of right now. So much more. But that's where my brain shorts out.

All that said, in THIS POST I talked about getting more attention from men, specifically my two male friends. I have decided I don't like it and have already told one of them as much. I am not interested in anything AT ALL. I am confused enough as it is. I mean the attention is ok and of course I'm not going to scoff at compliments but it just isn't as nice or exciting as I thought it would be. I guess in that aspect I have grown up. I've heard all the one-liners, I've experienced all the come-ons and as a fat chick at that, so being thinner does not make it any different. But don't worry, that won't thwart my effort to keep moving forward on this journey.

I guess the purpose of me saying that is that I DO like the attention I have been getting from my husband. Which is new and strange because I used to hate it. Before (as I have mentioned) he used to smack my ass and rub against my boobs in public (which really pissed me off - there were many-a-fight about it) and he would make comments that were just completely inappropriate and I could only thank God that they were in Spanish so the majority of the population didn't understand what he had said.

Lately though none of that has happened. Once his hand touched my butt but just as quickly disappeared. I had been all prepared to open a can of whoop ass but it was as if he hadn't even meant to do it - only it felt like he had. Strange. Now, when he opens doors for me (which he always has) he places his hand on the small of my back. I can't explain it. It's just kinda sweet. Sometimes I find him just watching me with a little smile on his face and the other day he ran his fingers down the side of my face and into my hair but didn't say anything. It's this string of little moments that just make me so damn confused. There have been literally hundreds of little moments like this lately. Coupled with his eagerness to get into anger management or marriage counseling or whatever else will make me happy I just feel very - I don't know what. Torn? Yeah, sorta. Confused? Well, yeah. I can't think of the right word.

((DEEP BREATH))

This Monday, instead of our regular rendezvous to IHOP and the mall he's going to make the girls and I some authentic Mexican food. I miss that. Maybe the weather will still be good and we can go for a walk and maybe there will be a park we can play at. Something new. I think all 4 of us are getting kinda sick of the IHOP-MALL-CAROUSEL-TRAIN-TOY STORE-PLAY AREA-ICE CREAM-HOME routine. I hope the girls are receptive to it. Having read so many mommy-ing books I know how important predictability and routine are in toddler's lives but I think a bit of change every now and again is also good.

I am kinda nervous about seeing his (well, I guess they're mine too) nephews on Monday though. If I haven't mentioned them before seeing his (well, I guess they're mine too) nephews on Monday though. If I haven't mentioned them before they're 17, 21 and 22. (Yeah, it's kinda weird having nephews so close to my age and I'm sure now you can see why I'm nervous about it - especially since they are probably fully apprised of all that has gone on between my husband and me) In any case, I am sure the girls will like to see them. Even though it was quite some time ago when we all lived together, Buzzy still remembers them and Breezy is so outgoing, I doubt it will be much an issue for her.

So, now I am sitting here tapping my fingers - drinking my diet coke - checking my blog reader on my iPhone - I still want to blog. I feel like there is more to say. Have you ever had that feeling? The need to talk, write, vent but you just don't know what about. I still feel full of - - - emotions. I still feel like I need to purge.

___________________________________

I ate well today - until dinner. I waited too long to eat.

My grandparent's had sent over leftover meatloaf for the girls to eat. Now, I don't know if I have ever mentioned HOW FLIPPING GOOD my grandfather's cooking is, so I will say it here. HIS COOKING IS TO DIE FOR. The man should have been a chef. In any case, he sent over his completely nontraditional, flavorful, fabulous left over meat loaf and while I waited for my step-dad to get home with the salad he was picking up for me along with the pizza for my sister and himself I couldn't help but nibble a little bit on the meat loaf. Okay, maybe 'I couldn't help myself' is the wrong expression. 'I didn't want to help myself'. LOL So then my step-dad got home with my salad and I ate it but I still felt hungry. Emotionally, I guess. That's truly the only explanation. Buzzy had stopped eating the meat loaf when my step-dad arrived home with the pizza and had wanted a piece. And can you guess what happened with the left-over piece pizza that she didn't eat. Yep. In my belly. Grrrr. But I have only myself to blame.

I did take a good long walk holding my 27lb baby from one side of the mall and back though which is no easy task, especially since she's squirmy. So I consumed a total of 1818 calories today. 318 more calories than my max allowed. ((sigh)) However, the walking and carrying my baby burned approximately 300 calories so I'm back down to about 1520 net calories. I feel a bit better about that. My sodium intake was a bit high though. Per myfitnesspal.com I am allowed 2500 mg of sodium and I consumed 3235. So, we'll see what the scale says to me tomorrow. Praying for a good weigh in - but considering my less than good choices I can really only hope to have maintained.

The weeks calories? I am sad to say I didn't track completely on Saturday getting caught up in activities with the girls and such.

Sunday - Net intake of 1153
Monday - Net intake of 1770 - Yep, I miscalculated a stupid salad at a restaurant - dammit
Tuesday - Net intake of 1543
Wednesday - Net intake of 1117
Thursday - Net intake of 1520

Shall we do the math again?

270 (current weight) x 11 = 2970 calories a day to maintain my current weight
2970 x 6 = 17820 calories a week to maintain my current weight
1153+1770+1543+1117+1520 = 7103 + 2000 (we'll estimate high for Saturday) = 9103

17820 - 9103 = 8717/3500 (calories in 1lb) = 2.4lbs deficit

So according to the math I should have lost another 2lbs this week. We'll see what Murphy says tomorrow huh?

Tomorrow I will also hopefully be posting October's progress pics and tonight (right now) I will post today's new measurements. I jumped the gun when I measured a week ago and I did it so fast I think I misread the measurements anyway.

((SIGH))

I suppose I will go read some blogs now.

XO Kristen

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

OVER EATING VS. BINGE EATING - GUEST POST BY C.

I have decided to do installments of the Over Eating Vs. Binge Eating topic. So, if you feel like you want to contribute something please send it with your name and blog link to kreatingkristen@gmail.com

This morning I received an e-mail from C at Breaking Free - I need to escape this food prison. What she wrote touched me because I think more people are affected by Binge Eating as opposed to Over Eating than anyone realizes.

Without further adieu:

When people talk about how they became overweight or obese, you mostly hear about the "overeaters". There are so many of the same stories - "I mostly eat healthy I just eat too much" or "I eat healthy during the day but I fall down at dinner" or "I just cant help having a donut at 3pm".These are the stories that I listen to and want to cry. IF ONLY I could be like them. If only I had to simply be conscious of overeating that "one treat" or at that one time of day.
My life, sadly, is the life of a binge eater. You see, when I binge, I eat and eat and eat. But not just for one day. Not just for one week. In fact, from the time I moved out of home at 18 I binge-ate every day of my life for about 6 years. Whilst I studied, I spent everything I could on food. It was all consuming. My relationships werent great, its hard to sustain anything true when you live a life of shame and constant thoughts of food.
I didn’t eat a healthy meal. Every single food choice was a method of punishment. Hatred for myself, every single day. Do you know how lonely it is, to have your every moment determined by thoughts of how to get something else to eat? There arent any words.
One day I snapped and changed. I cant explain why, there was no light bulb moment, there was no great motivation. Maybe it was an act from above, I really cant tell. But I started a new lifestyle, and in 9 months I lost almost all of the 60kg I had piled on that I certainly didn’t need.
Unfortunately for binge eating suffers this disease isnt something you just get over overnight. I am coming out of a "food coma" once again now. A period of about a month where I have hidden my problem even from people who know about it, the shame is still so bad that I pretend it isnt as bad as it is. I pretend I can control it. I pretend I don’t have a black hole stomach in which I can stuff 8 full meals and over 20,000 calories a day without vomiting. I havent focussed on my studies and my marks have slipped. I chose, for another month, to put food above everything else in my life. This is why I wish I could just have an "overeating" problem. Because maybe that might only haunt me for that vulnerable moment during the day. Bingeing is all encompassing, 24/7. P.A.I.N.
I don’t know how I am going to get out of this mess, forever, and really truly beat this disease, but I do know that I am determined to. After all these years I know the triggers, I know the signs that point to the downward slope, and I am going to try, again, to beat this. I keep failing but I sure as hell keep going.
 
___________________________________
 
C, You ARE NOT alone. I've been there OFTEN and I know so many people in blogger land AND real life who struggle with the same P.A.I.N you write about every.single.day. The hand to mouth coma of endless emotional feeding. Whether it be to medicate, punish, celebrate or mourn. It is ever present in my life and I believe it always will be. I will, you will and probably most other binge eaters will have to always make the conscious effort NOT to binge. But in making that effort we will grow stronger. Our weak moments will remind us the PAIN of mindless gluttony; physically, mentally and emotionally. It is so much more taxing to eat ourselves to death than to say no. ((HUGS)) C and all other binge eaters out there. We can do it, stopping one binge episode at a time and getting to our healthy place mentally and physically so we can live happy and satisfying lives (without the guilt of the crap food, without the crap food itself and the mass of extra pounds that come with it)
 
To my readers - if you can find some time to go on over to C's blog and support her in her efforts I am certain she (and surely I) would appreciate it.
 
XO Kristen

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

NSV & ZUMBA

As I sit here typing this out the entire length of my forearms are resting on my thighs. My legs are folded indian style with my laptop in front of me. Ok, so what are you thinking? Are you thinking where's the NSV in that? Yeah, I probably would be too.

Let me give a little background. Since before I can remember when I have been called the 'amputee' in my family because of my 'short legs' that appear even shorter because of my weight. 9 months ago if I were to have sat in this position, not only would I probably not have been able to cross my legs fully, but my big ol belly would have pushed out over my thighs. So you see, the NSV is where I wrote, THE ENTIRE LENGTH OF MY FOREARMS ARE RESTING ON MY THIGHS. There is no belly to get in the way. In fact I almost feel like my thighs are really long because I can push my elbows back into my hips and my entire arm can rest along my thighs and my hands can lay neatly over my knees. NEVER BEFORE IN MY LIFE! So, I would say that is indeed an NSV.

Onto Zumba. Tonight was my 2nd night and let me tell you it was 100% better than the first night. The first night you kind of have 1st time jitters, you don't know what to expect, you think everyone's going to be watching you make an absolute fool of yourself and you feel like a bumbling idiot when you don't get the steps right away . . . or in my case at all. LOL

Tonight was AWESOME though to say the least. Instead of feeling jittery like the first night I walked in feeling confident. I knew who was going to be there and while I am indeed one of the biggest girls in the class there are no Barbies or super models to make me feel overly self conscious. (If I still lived in California, I may not be able to say that - and if YOU live in California, well, some of what I say may not apply to you) Tonight I knew what to expect. I was aware of how the instructor leads and I knew that the majority of the other people are so intent on what she is doing and following her lead that there in no time for them to be paying attention to me. And lastly, I remembered ALL the steps of ALL the dances to ALL the songs and I didn't feel like a bumbling idiot at all. WAH-FRIGGIN-HOO!

SO LET ME JUST SAY THIS TO ALL YOU WANNA-BE-ZUMBA-GOERS WHO ARE TOO SELF CONSCIOUS, TOO SHY, THINK YOU WEIGH TOO MUCH OR LACK COORDINATION/RHYTHM:

IF YOU WANT TO DO ZUMBA, DO IT! IT IS AMAZING! YOUR SELF CONSCIOUSNESS WILL FADE, YOU SHYNESS WILL BE ABSORBED BY YOUR ENDORPHINS, YOU CAN MODIFY STEPS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE IF YOU ARE REALLY HEAVY OR EVEN IF YOU HAVE INJURIES OR SPECIAL SITUATIONS. AND ON TOP OF ALL THAT IF THE ONLY THING HOLDING YOU BACK IS THAT YOU THINK YOU LACK COORDINATION OR RHYTHM, LET ME TELL YOU THERE IS MORE THAN LIKELY SOMEONE THERE LESS COORDINATED WITH LESS RHYTHM THAN YOU. AND IF BY SOME ODDBALL CHANCE YOU ARE THE LEAST COORDINATED WITH THE LEAST AMOUNT OF RHYTHM  YOU CAN BET YOUR WANNA-BE-SHRINKIN-BOOTY THAT SOMEONE ELSE FEELS JUST AS SELF CONSCIOUS AND THINKS THEY LACK THE SAME COORDINATION AND THE SAME RHYTHM. SO GET OUT THERE AND ZUMBA YOUR ASSES OFF!

I seriously cannot stress enough how much fun it is and how much energy you exert and the hour passes so quickly you never have a chance to look at the clock. Tonight someone shouted out that she had burned 1200 calories during tonight's class and she was a skinny little thing so I can only image if SHE burned THAT much and I weigh double her and WORKED MY PATOOTIE TO THE MAX than I must have burned AT LEAST that.

I ONLY WISH I COULD GO MORE THAN 1X A WEEK.

((SIGH))

Still looking for some guest bloggers for the Overeating Vs. Binging post. I think I have 1 or 2 takers. If you wanna be a taker just e-mail me whatever you want me to post at kreatingkristen@gmail.com with your name and the link to your blog (if you have one) You can write whatever your little heart desires regarding Overeating Vs. Binging.

That is all lovies.

XO Kristen

HIGH TIDE - LOW TIDE - NO I'M NOT TALKING THE OCEAN

As I've been surfing blogland lately I've noticed that there is an ebb and flow of weight-loss blogging. It's kind interesting actually to watch as people who set their best foot forth last year have tapered off (not all - and I love the two handfuls of people who are still on this journey with me from then) but then there are a whole new lot of people who have jumped on the proverbial wagon. It seemed 9 months ago it was all I could do to find NEW blogs to follow that kept their posts updated. Now, it seems that there are newbies everywhere!! And I am LOVING it. There is nothing (well, okay when it comes to the web) that makes me happier than finding new weight loss blogs (especially when the blogger is already succeeding!)

That said, I was wondering if anyone would like to do a guest post on my blog. If more than one person wants to I will do a compilation. The topic is Overeating Vs. Binging. You can write anything you want as it pertains to that subject. Put a comment under this post or E-mail me at Kreatingkristen@gmail.com if you are interested.

Doing well on my little journey over here. Zumba tonight but I'm kinda nervous because I pinched my sciatic nerve yesterday picking Breezy up wrong. Yikes!! Brings back the days of pregnancy induced sciatica. In any case that is all for now.

I do want to leave you with some flashback photos. I was reminiscing through my iPhone photo album and thought I'd share. They're all out of order, and I'm not in the mood to fix them but these are some of the one's dear to my heart.

Breezy the day she was born

Even at a couple months old Breezy had the best scrunchy face

My beautiful Buzzy - Only around 16 months old here


Buzzy jumping on the trampoline - one of the few photos of my backside that don't make me wanna barf

Ditto the caption from above

Breezy still makes the strangest albeit funniest faces

This is what Breezy does when you tell her to scrunch her nose

Proof that when she isn't making faces, she's actually quite a pretty baby

Buzzy at approximately 10 months old and me approxumately 6 months pregnant

7.5 months pregnant with Breezy

The bruise from the 20+ needles that were stuck in my back from the SPINAL FROM HELL

The most angelic face (in my own biased mother's mind) Buzzy at 8 months old (ready for Valentines day)
Thas all FOLKS

XO Kristen

Saturday, September 25, 2010

BEING MARRIED APPARENTLY MEANS NOTHING

  • I will state right here, right now, that I do not want to talk about or have commented on the actual divorce, it's proceedings, how it's going or the like. That is not the point of this post.
The point of this post is that as I lose weight, I notice people noticing me. To make something clear, I have never been shy about my appearance - other than my weight. I always teased with family and friends that God allowed me to be fat because I'd be the queen of the narcissists if I were thin. Thank God I don't sit quite so high up on that horse any longer, but I still have pretty decent self esteem. I know I can look good when I want to and I know I can turn heads.

Tonight, my sister and I went to the gas station to get some snackage for a couple movies we're going to watch and I commented to her about a guy friend of mine who is constantly asking me to movies, dinner, sporting events and always throws in at the end that we could 'hook up' or 'make out' afterward. Mind you, this guy knows all about my marriage situation, so it's not like he thinks I'm single and looking. In any case, I am pretty sure he is generally kidding when he makes these offers, but a part of me always wonders what he would do if one time I took him up on the offer. (Not that I would - cuz I'm not that kind of girl) But what IF. Would he renege on the invitation or would he be like, I was JUST kidding Kristen! Or how would he respond?

I had another friend who told me point blank that yes, we were just friends, but that as soon as my divorce papers were finalized he wanted it to become something more. I pondered that for a few days, confused and mildly shocked and then told him that I didn't want to hurt him, but that I couldn't see myself in a relationship so quick (even after the divorce is final). He said he would wait for me.

((shakes head))

Wait for me?? What does that mean? I don't think I want to be waited for. I am trying to get out of a relationship. I don't want back in one the moment I'm free! And, I don't get it. Both these guys KNOW I am married. They KNOW I am the mom of 2 very demanding little toddler girls. They both KNOW my girls come first and they both KNOW that there is no promise as to when my divorce will be final and there is no promise of me being ready for a relationship, right off the bat. Why would two bachelors who could very well find a single, non-mom, be interested in me? Wouldn't it be easier to just find someone else? I just don't get it.

Something else I have been noticing as my weight drops is that guys have become more chivalrous, almost as if they are actually seeing me now because before I was invisible. ((yeah, all but invisible that is)) They talk to me and look me straight in the eye, they even smile and wink sometimes. I get doors held open for me and asked if I need help when I am looking around a store, where as before doors got slammed in my face and no one dared ask the morbidly obese chick if she needed help for fear that she might.

This all makes me wonder what it will be like when I'm at goal. Will it progressively get even better? Will the momentum of human decency slowly decline until there is just a status quo? I am extremely curious.

That's all for tonight folks. I gotst movies to watch.

XO Kristen

Friday, September 24, 2010

WEIGH & PHOTOS

All time low for this journey today!! 270! That is a 2lb loss. Next week I will be in a new weight decade!! Wahoo! 260s here I come!

Unofficial Photos

My fave dickies



My fave jeans



Reminder of what used to be at 325



XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

DIDJA KNOW . . . WELL, NOW YOU WILL

Okay, first thing's first:

My book - I have received a few questions about it so here is where you will find your answers. They are in no particular order because I kind of pulled them out of my e-mail and comments randomly so here they are.

What is the name of your book - My first book is called Evanescent and the second book has a working title of Magia (pronounced maw-he-uh - the Spanish word for Magic) and they belong to the Shield Series

What is your book about - Well, without giving away too much detail and to protect from plagiarism I will just give you my query letter that I send to agents. It is basically the back jacket flap of the book. Just FYI I have REDACTED some information which should have no effect on your understanding of the plot.

The heiress to the ruling throne of the supernatural world is trapped in a human body and is summonsed by the powers of her soul mate, her Alpha, to join him in their rightful place.



Unfortunately, it isn’t that simple for Brinn Kiernan, who unaware of her true potential is the epitome of a human; weak, fragile, sick. She has an undiagnosed illness; spontaneous shocks, sensations of burning and freezing and above everything else, she does not believe in the supernatural. That is, until her illness takes her one thousand miles away from home to the small, quirky town of Battle Ground, Washington to attend High School with her estranged, identical twin looking for answers. When she meets her sister, Olivia, who is too perfect to be human, and a vast array of other creatures lurking under the guise of mortality she quickly realizes that her symptoms reach far beyond the existence she has always understood.


Olivia is a subspecies of vampire called The (redacted) and from the moment their eyes meet it is apparent that Olivia would gladly kill Brinn. Seth Cross is the leader of the opposing vampire subspecies called The (redacted). Brinn feels an immediate connection to him, finding that he can control her symptoms with his touch. Seth however, is Olivia’s boyfriend.


Brinn’s previously simple reality becomes tangled in the secrets lying in the dark history of The (redacted) and (redacted)s’ past. The two species only exist because of attempts made by an ancient vampire to create one being who could overthrow the current ruler of the supernatural world. When laws of that ruler are broken the mystery connecting Brinn’s symptoms to Seth and the ruler of the supernatural world will be revealed and life as she knew it will cease to exist.


Do you count the number of words as well? Even number of pages as a goal per day? I do count the number of words in my novels (as per agent requirements) Evanescent is a finished manuscript of 173,984 words. For comparison Stephenie Meyer's Twilight was approximately 170,304 words. I do not have a set amount of pages I write in a day. If I were to count anything as I wrote it would be words. Not pages.

Are you going to self publish your book? Publish it online? Is it available to read now? I don't plan on self publishing but if push comes to shove I MAY go that route. I really don't want to now. I am patient and I am waiting for the right agent who will want to represent me and my book (actually mine and my sister's book I should say - she has as much effort put into it as me) That being said only if I self publish will it be available online unless the traditional publisher decides to go that route and no it is not available to read right now but I can give you an excerpt. Sorry, it is one I have given before but it is my favorite.

'Static infuses the air of the room. It is palpable, tangible. The hairs on my arms stand at attention. A chill rises and then shivers back down my spine. My heart thuds arrhythmically causing my breath to stutter and when I swallow my throat is dry, parched. It is as if it is the first time I am seeing him. No, this time is unequivocally more intense. The sweet, unique smell of him in such close proximity is dizzying. I fight the black curtain that threatens to close over my conscious. I stand lost, mesmerized by the blue irises that swim. I could drown in the ripples of blue shadows overlapping each other. Sparkling sapphires only interrupted by his perfect onyx pupil and I am the cause. The catalyst for those ripples. The same way he charges the room with electricity, I cause his eyes to shimmer. Why? Because he is immortal . . . and I may be also.'

Copyright © 2010
K. Portillo & C. Davidson
All right reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the authors.

ONTO OTHER THINGS

The eats today were good. Lean Pocket and coffee with cream for breakfast. Homemade egg salad with 1 yolk and 3 egg whites mixed with 1 TBSP mayo and 1 TBSP 0 cal honey dijon mustard coupled with 10 roasted veggie ritz crackers. I had a peanut butter chocolate Fiber One Plus bar and then for dinner I had Stouffer's Lasagna in meat sauce for a grand total of 1630 calories consumed today.

Then earlier today I took a little more than a 20 minute, slow but consistent walk with my girls and then later tonight I took a 2.5 mile walk to the grocery store adding up to 520 cals burned, which brings me to a net calorie intake of 1110 calories. WAHOO an EVEN number. LOL

Tonight on my walk, though I was suddenly transported back into high school. Isn't it strange that no matter how old you are (when you have been overweight your whole life and teased your whole life) when you see those high school girls turn around to look at you and you know they're saying nasty stuff about you, how you just want to melt into a puddle on the floor and hope to be swept away by the rain. That is how I felt tonight. We walked by a McDonalds on the way to the grocery store. There were 3 teenage girls sitting behind the glass walls of the building and as we passed the one with her back to us turned and looked me straight in the eye, then turned back to her friends with wide eyes laughing and leaning in as if I could hear them talking about me. I felt embarrassed and insulted and horrible. Now, I know they are just immature high school girls. I know I am an adult now and need to see the petty behavior for what it really is (which is just immaturity and 'having fun') but it still hurts. It still brings back the memories of all the popular girls who either teased or snubbed me. It brings back all the memories of wanting to be accepted but knowing I wouldn't be because of my weight.

And lastly I will leave you with this because I think they are precious (then again I am biased). Here is a photo I took of my babies hugging each other this morning. I love them so.


XO Kristen

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I'M EFFIN' HUNGRY!

And no, I don't mean hungry cuz I'm bored or emotional

I am sitting here and my stomach is literally growling at me to eat something

There are things in this house to eat

Like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

& Mini Snickers Bars

& Dark chocolate covered pretzels

& Chips

& Cookies

& the list goes on and on and on

There are other things as well:

Fiber One Plus bars

& Pop Chips (low cal)

& fruit

& raw veggies

& hummus

& salad (maybe?)

& diet soda and tea

& other things that would probably be beneficial to my digestive system and my body
But I won't eat any of that

I won't eat anything at all

It's 11:44 PM

It's too late

But maybe I SHOULD have eaten a bit more today

((rolls eyes))

Here's how today panned out:

Breakfast - Sausage and egg Lean Pocket

Lunch - Lean Cuisine Fettuccine Alfredo

Dinner - Lean Cuisine Spaghetti in meat sauce

LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE

Hey and no on crucify me okay? I much prefer the feeling of hunger to the feeling that comes right after a binge and not only that but I know ALL ABOUT the theories of slowing my metabolism by making my body go into starvation mode and yada yada yada. I'm proud of how I ate today. If you can't support that, that isn't my problem.

Then I went to Zumba

HERE'S PROOF
From the dull glow of the interior car light you cannot see how disgusting I look but I was literally DRIPPING sweat everywhere

First Zumba Class


I AM FRICKIN IN LOOOOVE!

I LOVE TO DANCE

I LOVE TO WATCH PEOPLE DANCE

I LOVE TO WATCH INSPIRATION RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME FROM MY INSTRUCTOR AND MY FELLOW ATTENDEES

ANYWAY . . .

According to Zumba sites one hour of Zumba for a 150lb woman would burn approximately 580 calories

I am a 275lbs woman

That's considerably larger

My calculator says that means I would have burned 1063 calories.

You know stupid fractions. Put 150 over 275 and 580 under X. Cross multiply and divide and that's how I came up with 1063.
In any case

I consumed 990 calories today

I burned 1063 today

It takes 3025 calories a day to maintain my current weight

Can we say HELLO DEFICIT?!?!

Oh and by the way, I have a new goal:

I want to teach Zumba

No

Not right now

But in my future I want to be a Zumba instructor

Maybe after my 2nd class

LOL

JUST KIDDING

I'm thinking when I'm close to goal I will start investigating what is required

Goodnight Folks

& Happy ALMOST Hump Day

XO Kristen

Sunday, September 19, 2010

14 WEEKS LEFT - IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY

I am a big fan of even numbers. 2, 4, 6, 8 - all the way to infinity. The only odd number I like is 13 and that happens to be because it is my birthday. October 13th. But you see my life revolves around even numbers. My mom was 16 when she had me. I was born in the 10th month, in 1984. My mom married when I was 6. My mom had my first sister when I was 8. I have 4 siblings. 2 girls. 2 boys. I have 2 children, who were born 14 months apart. (Sadly they were both born on odd days - the 3rd and the 9th - no worries, I'll get over it) I graduated high school on June (the 6th month) 14th, 2002, got married on 16th day of November in 2006 (Maybe if I had been married in an even month my marriage would have worked - lol j/k - I'm not that superstitious) That said, as a person who prefers even numbers I am sure you can imagine I like balance. When decorating, what goes on one side must go on the other also. One side of something cannot be bigger, shorter, longer, thinner, fatter than the other side (if there is another side). I suppose you could say I am mildly neurotic and borderline ocd.

So, now that you know a little about that, I am brought to the title of this post. 14 weeks left. 14 weeks left until my 1 year anniversary of this journey. 14 weeks left to lose 28 more pounds. Why 28? Well, because if every week I tell myself I will lose 2lbs than that would equal 28. Which would bring me to the nice round number of 244lbs. The problem is in the weight lost. This is where the It's Driving Me Crazy part comes in. On January 1st, when I announce what I have lost in 1 year I obviously want it to be an even number. (Honestly, in my logical mind I know whether it is an odd or even number doesn't matter - but my neurotic side really wants it to be even) So when you subtract 244 from 325 (a truly ugly odd number - and the number I started out with on this journey) you get 81lbs lost. Um . . . not 80. Not 82. 81. For some reason this is just bugging the HELL outta me.

And now you're thinking, 'Dude she has lost her marbles. She's no longer worried about losing weight but whether she has lost an even number or not?!?!' Believe me, I understand how insane I must sound or come off. Regardless, 81 is not a tight round pretty little number. So, one week I will have to lose either 1 or 3lbs to offset that. (Or more should the scale dictate so)

I did well today, ending with a total of 1395 calories consumed. Not bad. Not bad at all. (Not an even number either - lol)

Myfitnesspal.com suggests that if I keep my calories exactly like today I should way 259lbs (okay now that I have a self admitted problem with even numbers the odd ones just keep poppin up everywhere) in 5 weeks. (seee?!?!?!?) That'd be nice. I'd like to get into the 260's first though.

Day after tomorrow is Zumba! Hellz to the yeah! So excited!

And now I am off to write, or at least contemplate my plot because it's been-a-brewing again. I think it's almost time to open Microsoft Word, open my manuscript template and begin that new manuscript that keeps attacking my thoughts an dreams and waking hours randomly. Here's to an open flow of creativity.

PS - if no one else understands my insanity I know my lil sis will. She feels the same way about even numbers as I do. (I'm not alone) *Insert Twilight Zone music*

K, I better get outta here before ya'll have me admitted.

Night!
XO Kristen

Saturday, September 18, 2010

MISSION ABORT BIRTHDAY DISASTER

Today is my little cousin's 9th birthday party. She doesn't ACTUALLY turn 9 until Monday but being Saturday it is the optimal day for a birthday party. It's a nice day for one too because it's not raining like the weatherman said it would. It's sunny.

PROBLEM IS, BIRTHDAY'S DO NOT GET ALONG WITH HEALTHY LIFESTYLE LIVING! IT'S JUST COMMON KNOWLEDGE!
  • There is cake or some version of cake with frosting
  • There is candy
  • There are h'ordeuvres
  • There is sometimes alcohol - wine, beer, spritzers
None of the above is calorie friendly, and considering yesterday and my *blunder* calorie intake for the next 6 days is of the utmost importance for me if I want to continue on the downward trend when it comes to the number on the scale.

So, I have resolved not to:
  • Eat any cake or any of it's nasty cousins (ie: cupcake, brownie, blondie, cookie, donut - whatever)
  • Eat no candy (anything that is set out in little dishes is a NO NO)
  • Which brings me to no h'ordeuvres (My biggest weakness today will be my biggest victory)
  • And of course even though at a 9 year old's birthday party I doubt there will be alcohol, I will still not have any should there be any
On the bright side, I believe my aunt is making cupcakes. Cupcakes are my least favorite of all the cake cousins because they are condensed with waaaay too much frosting.

LET IT BE KNOWN HERE AND NOW THAT I, KRISTEN - A SELF PROCLAIMED FATTIE, DOES NOT LIKE FROSTING!
*Well unless it's cream cheese frosting on carrot cake, but all other frostings are yucky to me

So that part will be easy.

I am going to take a Lean Cuisine with me, should I get hungry and I will resolve to eat under 1000 calories today. Remember my little mind game? This will generally get me to around 1200 calories which is perfectly acceptable.

Wish me luck and loads of self control.

Now I am off to pick up my car from the auto body shop. Hopefully they aren't as rude today as they were the day before yesterday, but that's a whole other story for a whole other post.

XO Kristen

Friday, September 17, 2010

ALLTIME LOW FOR THIS JOURNEY

Just popping in real quick to tell ALLAN! and of course all my other lovely blog readers

The math works. (Allan knew that) 

BUT IT TOTALLY WORKS!!

I LOST 3LBS THIS WEEK!

272 BABY!

THEE LOWEST I HAVE BEEN SINCE MORE THAN 5 YEARS AGO!!

260'S HERE I COME!

AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THE FABULOUS INFORMATION ALLAN IMPARTED ON HIS BLOG.

THE NUMBER 11

I LOVE THE NUMBER 11

I LOVE MATH!

BLECK!

That sounded horrible!

I HATE MATH!

BUT I LOVE IT WHEN IT MEANS I LOSE WEIGHT!

HELLZ TO THE YEAH!

OUT!

XO KRISTEN

Thursday, September 16, 2010

MY HEAD'S ABOUT TO IMPLODE

I have been doing really well with my eating.

Saturday - 800 net calories consumed
Sunday-  1222 net calories consumed
Monday - 1348 net calories consumed
Tuesday - 1713 net calories consumed
Wednesday - 1331 net calories consumed
Thursday- 1257 net calories consumed

I have been doing really well with my exercising.

Saturday - Nothin'
Sunday - 48 minute walk
Monday - 15 minutes of steady walking holding my 20lb child
Tuesday - 60 minute walk
Wednesday - 20 minutes of dancing
Thursday - 60 minute walk

So if I at 275lbs I burn 3025 by just sleeping all day that means to maintain my weight I would need to eat 18,150 calories a week. I actually ate 7,671 calories. That is a deficit of 10,479 calories this week. NICE! Now if one pound is equivalent to 3500 calories than I should mathematically lose approximately 2.9lbs which should take me down somewhere around 273 or 272. I guess we'll see how that all works out tomorrow morning.

On another note I am so sick of the whole situation that took place in my home town (Vancouver, Washington) regarding Bethany Storro (otherwise known as the girl who had acid thrown in her face). Apparently, she has recently admitted that it was a hoax. On one hand I am very happy it was a hoax. That means I no longer have to worry about my or my girl's or my family's safety with some crazy running around throwing noxious liquids in people's faces. On the other hand, it just makes me mad that someone would do that. It's just wrong on so many levels. Not to mention her mental state. I cannot even imagine what prompted her to not only lie about something so horrific but even more the actual act of burning her own face. I just cannot even fathom that.

Tonight I am turning in early. I will not stay up until 1am like I have for the last few nights. I'm exhausted. So, off to listen to some music and relax. Goodnight blog world.

XO Kristen

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

SUNKISSED SKIN, SO HOT WE'LL MELT YOUR POPSICLE

The title is delightfully suggestive - I know.

Alas, I won't be talking about sexy skin or melting Popsicles or 'popsicles' either. LOL (sorry to disappoint)

So that line (besides conjuring great mental images) is from one of Katy Perry's songs 'California Girls'. It makes me smile. This song motivates me to move and moving I HAVE BEEN. Just this week I walked 5 miles on two separate occasions and tonight I did some kickass hiphop type dancing with my baby sis. Oh yeah! I'm (hopefully) gonna kill this weigh in. I say hopefully because TOM is coming.






My new mantra song *the chorus at least* ('cuz music is seriously a huge driving force for me right now) is Shakira's Give It Up to Me.





I am truly shocked by my two newest 'followers'. I mean it's pretty cool when the Gawd! of Weight Loss Blogging/twittering & humor follows you. That would be Jack Sh*t in case any of you were oblivious. The other is Allan from Almost Gastric Bypass. Many people have their opinions about him but I have only utter respect for a man on a weight loss journey who with no other tools than perseverance and drive loses 100+lbs in less 5 months!!

So, the current events regarding my ex have been affecting my sleep. I have horrible nightmares, toss and turn and can't get comfortable. It is very frustrating. He texts me at all ungodly hours of the morning (2am is not time to text a mother of 2 toddlers! unless you are bleeding, suffocating or dead - yup that's right. You must be dying or dead (or one of my 2 toddlers) to merit my attention at that time of morning) Especially since my girlies like to wake up anywhere between 5:45am and 8am. I never know which surprise they're going to give me. At 5:45 I kinda feel like this:




Actually at 8 I feel the same, just not as dramatic perhaps. LOL I wish I could actually do that. It'd probably burn a crapload of calories, huh?

On a different note, Friday weigh in is on -well- Friday. Zumba starts Tuesday. Measurements will be taken the following Monday. My 26th birthday is in 28 days and dangit it falls on a Wednesday. I love when it falls on Friday. It freaks people out. Friday the 13th in October. Heehee

Lastly, I will leave you with this. If you have never personally known any Mexicans or Mexican-Americans you may not 'get it' or if you don't have a sense of humor or have a very strange sense of humor or a sense of humor that is nothing like mine then you may not find this funny but watch it and see for yourself. I about peed my pants the first time I saw it. Then again my daughters are Mexican-American and I have been with a Mexican for 10 years so . . . it made me laugh.




XO Kristen

Monday, September 13, 2010

EMBARKING ON THE HORRIFYING - & A MINI ELLIP WINNER

Today was my last day of misery. Tomorrow I will take a step into the unknown. Only time will tell how things will turn out. I am cautious and scared . . . no, not scared . . . PETRIFIED.

Last night I received a text from the same man who just finished telling me he wanted a divorce.

He said:

Hi, how are you. I want you to forgive me for what happened yesterday. You know well that I love you and my daughters. Please forgive me. I don't want to control you. I just ask for communication so we aren't giving money to the bank.

I didn't answer.

Then, this morning - no not this morning - at 2(flippin)AM I get a text from him.

He said:

I ask myself if you are suffering like me. I ask myself what happened to our great love. My life has changed since you left it; yesterday a beautiful illusion and a dream to reach for but now a struggle and a bitter flood of tears that I can't stop. I miss you so much. I miss hugging you. Hugging you so tight like I always did. I wish I could feel your face against my chest and caress your hair. I close my eyes and I realize I need you. God, how I need you but you aren't with me. I love you.

I didn't answer.

Then, this morning, when I am still sleeping he texts me again.

He said:

Good morning, how did you wake up?

I didn't answer. I'm STILL SLEEPING! Not minutes later he texts me again.

I would like to see my girls. Will you let me see them?

I answered:

We're asleep but of course you can see them. 10:30?

He said:

Thank you

Now, I don't know if I should have answered his previous texts and told him how I was feeling. Maybe I went about this all wrong. I don't know. Apparently I screw things up a lot. Anyhow, at 10:30 we met for breakfast. Inside the restaurant he sat down with Breezy to wait for our table. I guess Breezy was trying to get my attention and the Ex slapped my butt. I flew around and seethed,

"Don't ever do that again,"

At our table as we sat down he kissed Breezy, then Buzzy and then asked me if he could kiss me. I said no. The following conversation ensued.

Him: Then you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore?

Me: I don't want to talk about it in front of the girls.

Him: You never change.

I had been looking at the menu but I put it down and looked him straight in the eye.

Me: I said, we ARE NOT going to talk about this in front of the girls.

He was quiet for a few seconds.

Him: You are too proud and selfish to know what you have is good.

Me: If you don't stop talking about it I'm going to leave.

Him: Good then leave. It'll give me time to get to the lawyer to start filling out the divorce papers.

I stood up then, pulled Breezy out of her high chair and motioned for Buzzy to follow me. She looked horrified and it broke my heart. The waitress came to bring us our coffee but I told her we needed a moment. She looked freaked out.  The ex stood too and walked fast toward the front of the restaurant. Buzzy still hadn't moved so I sat back down with her.

Me to Buzzy: We can still have breakfast if you want.

She nodded, went back to her coloring and was happy again. Unfortunately the ex did not leave. He came back and sat down too. I stared him straight in the eyes and dared him to say ONE MORE WORD.

We sat like that for some time. The hostess who is Mexican walked by and he openly flirted with her, baiting me. It didn't affect me. He had flirted with her before even when we were on good terms. Big whoop. He saw that it didn't merit a reaction.

He said: Are you still going to go to the baptism with me?

Me: Probably not.

Him: Oh, well then I'll take one of the girls I work with.

Again, baiting me to get angry.

Me: I hope you have fun!

So then he pulled out the BIG GUNS which I seriously had to breathe deep to stop myself from saying anything. He looked to Buzzy, back to me and smirked smugly. Then he asked Buzzy,

When do you want to go to Mexico with me Hija?

I bit my tongue to stop myself from saying that she would NEVER EVER EVER EVER over my DEAD BURNED AND SCATTERED BODY EVER EVER EVER GO TO MEXICO but I did it. I only played with Breezy and thankfully he asked her in Spanish (of which she doesn't understand much) and so she wasn't affected by the question.
The rest of the day was a catastrophe. Neither of my girls ate much. Both girls sensed the tension. Both girls clung to me. Both became fussy very early. Neither slept well during their naps and both were extremely fussy for the rest of the day. Besides the tension, it didn't help that the Ex decided to separate himself from us. He stood with Buzzy on the carousel like normal but he stood outside the store door where we usually buy the girls their snacks. He barely spoke at all which put extra tension in the air. At one point he was holding Breezy while we sat on one of the resting couches in the middle of the mall and she was climbing on the arm of the sofa. He held her by the hem of her shirt and let her climb over the side. This is my 1 year old. My newly walking, unstable, non balanced 1 year old and he holding her only by the hem of her shirt over concrete. I nearly had a heart attack. Thankfully he anticipated me jumping out of my skin chair and pulled her back onto the cushions of the sofa. At the play area he didn't do anything, just sat there like a bump on a log with his telephone in hand while I dashed after both girls. I may as well have gone alone for all the help he was and he may as well not have even asked to see his girls for all the time he DIDN'T spend with them.

When we finally left, him to his home and the girls and me to ours, they slept restlessly in the car. Normally they would sleep for about 2 hours. Today they only slept for 40 minutes and once we got home Buzzy was a mess. A complete mess. Tears and "Hold you, Mama's" every few minutes and Breezy just ambled around the house like she was lost. It was so strange. I felt so displaced and so WRONG!

Now as I sit here typing this, Mr. Apologetic is texting me. I am reading it but not saying anything. Tomorrow I will be going to my lawyer to pay the retainer for her to open my case and start the road toward divorce. Oh dear. I'm scared. Not for me. Not for him. For my girls.

I don't want them to EVER be alone with him. That is ALL I'm worried about. If the judge decides he can see them every day I won't care as long as I can always be there to protect them in case he goes on one of his little trips or has one of his episodes. I am soooooo scared. Please pray for me. Please pray for my girls. Mostly for my girls.

ON A MUCH MUCH MUCH LIGHTER NOTE:

In lieu of all that has happened lately I notified the person who won the MINI ELLIPTICAL in my Salad Challenge Marathon, but forgot to post about it.

The person who won my pink Mini Elliptical was Courtney who sent me the recipe for the most fan-friggin-tastical cobb salad ever! I think the best thing about it was that is had ALL MY FAVORITE STUFF and NO BLUE CHEESE DRESSING. (I hate blue cheese dressing) but it was soooooo delish and only 435 calories per serving and the serving was very generous. So, CONGRATS COURTNEY! I hope you enjoy the Mini Ellip! Oh, and I totally think you should start a blog (and not just read 'em... LOL)
On that note, I am done here.

Goodnight Blog World

XO Kristen

Saturday, September 11, 2010

THE BIG BAD WOLF

Ever since I was a little girl I have feared night time. I believe I slept with my mom in her bed until I was about 5. Then when I finally learned to sleep in my own bed she always sat with me until I fell asleep. I don't know why I feared night time so much. I remember being particularly scared of 'The Big Bad Wolf'. I knew for sure he lurked inside my closet and thus my closet doors always had to be closed. Although even closed I could envision him waiting for my mom to leave and then coming out to 'get me'. I also knew he lurked somewhere under my bed and always had an issue if any part of my or my blanket was hanging off the bed. My blanket had to be tucked securely on and around me at all times. Yet, once morning arrived I knew that there was no wolf and that nothing lurked under my bed.

I still suffer from nighttime fear only now-a-days I don't fear 'Big Bad Wolves'. I fear Skinny, Mentally Unbalanced Mexicans' . . . well, just one. This morning I received a text from him after having not spoken to me since the morning yesterday.

A couple things you should know before you read on:
  • My girls both wear the same size diaper. I go through 1 pack every 3-4 days and even faster if one has diarea or something of that nature.
  • My ex lives about 30-40 miles away from me and I only see him 1x every week (Mondays)
  • Yesterday my youngest daughter pooped 5 times. 5!! (Not to mention today's 8!!!!!! WTF?!?!)
  • We had money in our checking account. He sends hundreds of dollars to Mexico (to his parents who are wealthy beyond belief - as far as Mexico goes - his dad makes a $2000 pension every month - that's more than 20,000 pesos. The average Mexican makes about 300 pesos a week or $30)
  • The Photo that he refers to was a father's day present that he declined to receive after a particularly ugly fight.
So, without further adieu. Here is today's daily dose of insanity.

HIM: Good morning, how did you wake up?


ME: Good and you?

HIM: So so. Why don't you call me to tell me you need to buy something seeing that there is no money in our account. You took it and didn't send the communication that I wanted.


ME: Sorry, the girls needed diapers. I forgot to text you to tell you.

HIM: From now on I will make all the purchases of what you need and before the things run out I need to know because I'm not going to work to give away my money.
 
(Remember, 30-40 miles away and we only see him 1x a week... somehow I doubt that will work)


ME: Sorry again but that won't work. I need diapers every three days.

HIM: You don't know if it will work or not. The other time you bought 50 diapers and they lasted you. If you know that there was no money in the account or for whatever other thing you need to think, if I take out money they are going to charge us for going negative and the diapers are going to cost double what they normally would.


ME: Whether we have money or not the girls cannot go without diapers.

HIM: That is why you should be more aware of how long they will last, otherwise what is the purpose of me having 2 jobs? Just to give away money, because they charge us. You should be more aware. It is your job to help me. You wouldn't like it if you were working and I was taking care of the girls and . . .


ME: How much money have you sent to Mexico recently????

HIM: I have only sent 2 times.


ME: You shouldn't be sending anything if your daughters have to go without.

HIM: So tell me, you take out money and I never ask you. The other day you cashed a check for $60 and then there is the photo. You and my daughters receive help from the government. When we were separated I didn't have anything to eat. I only ate soup at work.


ME: I can't even answer because now you aren't talking about the girls. You're talking about you and what is important are the needs of the girls, not yours and not mine. They needed diapers. If you are passing on that responsibility you need to tell me.
HIM: Ok


ME: Ok, what?

HIM: You know what? I'm going to continue with the divorce proceedings that way you won't be interrogating me. It's always the same with you. You don't change and you're going to realize soon because I didn't want to get divorced. I only want to tell you one more thing, I work to make something despite my back hurting a lot and this my co-workers know. You're always complaining. I only asked you to help me.


ME: You know what, you're a hypocrite. A month ago you told me that I could use the money for whatever your daughters and I needed and now that I was going to try to work things out again you want to control me. - (New Text) Just do what you want, it doesn't affect me. - (New Text) Oh and I'm interrogating you? I only asked how much you had sent to Mexico. On the contrary you want to control every little thing and I haven't complained about anything. You texted ME!

HIM: Yes, I told you to take the money but to tell me so you would send me a message. I don't want to control you. You're the one telling me not to send money. The other time if I hadn't paid your car the payment would have been late because you didn't answer when I called you but now I don't want to continue saying more to you. I'm happy and tomorrow I don't know.
 
^^^^ Don't ask, I don't get it either
 
ME: Just so you know, I never said I wasn't going to tell you when I bought things. Yesterday when I bought the diapers I forgot. You're the one that said you were going to buy the things we need for us yet you live extremely far away and there are times when I need things but don't know that I need them until I actually need them. Like the diapers. I had 10 diapers but Breezy went #2 5 times and Buzzy 2 times. With that and knowing I was going to use at least 2 diapers in the evening and 2 in the morning and only having 3 left I had to buy more. That's why you buying our necessities won't work. You accuse me of things and you threaten but you don't stop to think that maybe there is a good reason why I do the things I do. You just want to control everything.


He didn't write back. Monday I will be making an appointment with my attorney to file the divorce papers.

Which brings me back to my fear of night time. During the day DIVORCE doesn't sound like such a scary word but come evening when my mind and body are tired and suddenly my imagination takes this wild turn for the morbid and freakish. I can't help but play out all the horrible scenarios this divorce could hold. Of course all of them have to do with our girls. I want to keep them safe. I need to keep them safe. I need to make sure he doesn't hurt them physically or emotionally or mentally and that he doesn't manipulate them the way he has manipulated me and of course, I want to make sure he never ever takes them away from me out of this country.

I need to pray and ask for all of those who pray to pray for me. For strength and guidance and comfort and most of all a good outcome for everyone - including him.

Please pray that the big bad wolf of my adulthood might disappear as swiftly as the big bad wolf of my childhood.

XO Kristen

Friday, September 10, 2010

GUILT & YEAST INFECTIONS

I find I have a lot of misguided guilt. My ex, my eating. I feel guilty about A LOT and prematurely so. For example:

Sometimes I will be thinking about a food I am craving. Let's say a cookie. I say, okay this cookie has 160 calories. Then I think, well I'll just eat one cookie. Then before I even eat that one cookie, I think, or maybe I'll have 1.5 cookies. That's only 240 calories. Then I think, well if I'm going to eat 1.5 than I may as well eat 2 and by the time I have mentally eaten two I have basically already mentally eaten the whole bag/sleeve/carton and then the guilt sets in. I feel guilty about having MENTALLY eaten the whole bag/sleeve/carton of cookies and then I panic. I think, how will I ever succeed on this journey if I can't control myself? How will I ever lose all this weight if I can't say no to more than 1 cookie? Then, as if someone snaps their fingers, I revert to the present (having not had any cookies yet) and I feel relief. I didn't really commit that sinful act of eating ALL those cookies. It was all in my head. Yet the guilt stays. WHY DOES IT STAY?

The same things happens with my ex. For example, tonight I have been mulling things over regarding him and how I should end things. I'm going back and forth and back in forth in my head about divorce and lawyers and custody battles and financial strain etc etc. Guilt and fear and the same sense of panic that overwhelms me with my mental infidelity to my diet grips me. Then the same thing happens where it's as if someone snaps their fingers and I'm back in the present. I haven't done anything yet. I have time to think, plan, act. There is no rush. I can sort things out, weigh things out and decide what the best plan of action is. Yet the guilt remains. The fear remains.

Right now my heart is beating fast in my chest. I have this sense of unease, fear, panic still building inside me. I don't know why. Christians might explain it as the enemy infiltrating my mind, planting the horrible feelings and emotions that I should willingly give to God and allow him to take care of. In all honesty, just saying that I should give all my guilt and fear to God makes me feel better because I know if I give it to Him, He will take care of me. Superstitious people (such as my ex) would say that his ex girlfriend who told him he would never be happy with another woman and this is her curse manifesting itself in me.

(Yes, I know how absolutely freakish that sounds - don't make me tell the story about the full moon and being 8 months pregnant and having to carry a metal object to protect my unborn baby from being maimed **YIKES** - BAD MEMORIES) <-- In reality there are so many moments that follow along those lines though that I could probably dedicate an entire post to the FREAKISHNESS that was what my husband made me do while we were together.

On another note, I lost 3lbs this week. Yay! Back to 275. I need to get to 273 to jump over that hurdle that I have been straddling for 4 months. Then hopefully I'll be into the 260's in two weeks. ((a girl can pray))

Now for a not so pleasant topic. YEAST INFECTIONS. I have never had one. At least, not the typical ones you hear about. I have heard so many women complain about the pain and itch of an internal yeast infection and I NEVER EVER want to experience one.

Didja catch that?

Internal yeast infection.

Well, if there is a term for an 'internal yeast infection' then there must be such a thing as an 'external yeast infection' AKA JOCK ITCH... because YES WOMEN CAN GET THEM TOO and YES, I am a victim of them and OMIGAWWWD! They hurt and itch and burn like you have nooooooooo flippin idea. I have been getting them since I got pregnant with Buzzy. Because technically any skin that folds over other skin and creates moist wet places can harbor yeast. Soo, where my lower belly and thigh touch to my groin (and almost ALWAYS on the right side) my skin turns bright red and purple and itches and burns like no tomorrow. I can put baby powder, prescription cream, regular cream and even tuck clothes in there to keep the skin from touching and dry but no amount of 'help' ACTUALLY helps.

I just realized I have one tonight. This does not make me happy. External yeast infections make it hard to walk, move, lay down in certain positions and enjoy life in general. Gahhhhh!

I'm off now to suffer in my itchiness.

Until next time

XO Kristen

PRINCESS DIETER SAID:

'If you disengaged from the weird dependence you both have with each other (and part of me is quite suspicious of his "status" and his relationship with you, too convenient, seen that before), you'd up the odds of getting to your own healthy place, emotionally and physically and relationally and spiritually and in all sorts of ways.

You two are playing a very strange game. If you just analyzed it rationally and went back and REREAD your posts from a position of a blog reader--a person not involved--as best you can, saying, "Oh, this is some other woman's posts"..you'll see how irrational and just plain old addictive this comes across. And how unhealthy altogether. And how just fucked up.

I hope you find yourself in a good place very soon. But really, not that I have any fucking right, you need to MOVE ON. He's like junk food to you. Alluring, seductive, freaky, damaging, alluring again, comforting, then abusive, then alluring again.

Think of him as a big old pepperoni and sausage pizza with double cheese and heroin laced sauce. You wanna keep eating that?'

And... She's 110% right. More tonight on this after I have absorbed that I have not one but two addictions.

Thank you Princess

XO Kristen


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

HOPPIN BACK ON THE F*CKTASTIC ROLLERCOASTER

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS PROFANITY

Yup, in a couple posts previous to this I said I didn't like the F-BOMB. Well, damn if this bastard I am married to doesn't suck me dry. I swear, he's like a flippin' leech!

Last night he texted me because he has no idea YET that I have reverted my idiot train (Mind you this is translated from Spanish to English)

Him: Did you got to sleep?

I had gone to bed. I was soooo tired.

This morning he texts me.

Him: How did you all wake up?

Me: Good. You?

Him: Last night I went to bed really late waiting for you to answer me. I thought maybe you'd write me something.

Me: I went to sleep at 9. Sorry.
Him: I know maybe you went to sleep but don't ignore my messages. If you saw my text this morning you should have sent me a message. When you don't like something I try to make you feel better. I'm not mad. I simply don't like when people ignore my messages. When you're tired and you want to sleep, send me a message and that way I won't text you.


INSERT EYE ROLL AND OMG R U F*CKING KIDDING ME?!?!
You seriously want me to check in with you when I want to go to bed?!?!
((SHAKES HEAD VIGOROUSLY))
Oh no no no! We aren't even going there!
 
But of course to keep the peace until tomorrow (cuz tomorrow is when I'm gonna lay it all out on the table for him) I kept my mouth-err-fingers shut/quiet.
 
Me: I went to sleep accidentally. I was really tired and I didn't ignore your message. I just didn't see it until I responded to you.
 
Him: It's ok. I understand you my love.
 
Me: Thanx
 
Him: It's a pleasure to make you feel good. I love you.
 
AGAIN INSERT *WIDE EYES THIS TIME* AND OMFG ARE F*CKING KIDDING ME?!?!
 
XO Kristen
 
Disclaimer: The above is for documentation purposes only.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I'M AN IDIOT - BUT YOU KNEW THAT

I swear, life is always kicking me in the butt one way or another. So, we all know how I have been over the moon 'in love', so excited to be reuniting with my ex, blah blah blah.

CAN WE ALL SAY GAG ME KRISTEN!

Today he and I were talking on the phone and he brings up Buzzy's 3rd birthday (which is 9 months away still) and how he wants to celebrate it in Mexico.

** Apparently 3 years old is a very special age in Mexico and they go all out for 3 year old parties, like quinceneras.

((sigh))

Anyway, I said 'Sure,' thinking '9 months is a long time from now and a lot can happen in 9 months. We'll see where we are then and go from there,'. So then Mr. Ex starts asking me about his citizenship. (He's a permanent resident)

Mr. EX - How long do I have to be a permanent resident before I can apply for citizenship?

Me - I think 10 years.

Mr. EX - No, in the papers I got with my residency it said 5

Me - Well, it's only been 3. I never knew you wanted to be a citizen.

Mr. EX - Yeah

Me - Why?

Mr. EX - Why not?

Me - I just never knew you were interested in it before. You had never mentioned it.

Mr. EX - Well, as a permanent resident I can only stay out of the country for 6 months at a time and as a citizen I can stay out as long as I want. So, that way we can spend 7 or 8 months in Mexico with the girls.


*INSERT MY HEART SCREECHING TO AN IMMEDIATE STOP*

Me - Riiiiight.

So to sum up his desire for citizenship; he doesn't want to become a citizen because he loves this country or because he respects this country or for any reason concerning this country. He is only interested in citizenship because he wants to spend MORE TIME OUT OF THIS COUNTRY.

Well guess what? Your daughter's and my life are here IN THIS COUNTRY. If you want to spend months on end OUTSIDE OF THIS COUNTRY than go do it. BUT LEAVE US HERE and LEAVE US ALONE.

I cannot believe he doesn't even take into consideration that the girls may be in school. Buzzy is starting her first year of Pre-school next year and I AM PRETTY DAMN SURE they aren't gonna like her taking a 7-8 month hiatus and that's only if he were to get his citizenship SUPER FAST. (hahahaha - yeah right - not with what they have to go through)

The issue is that he doesn't think about how things like that affect others. The same way he doesn't think about how sex or heavy petting in front of the girls is not morally okay. The same way he is too concerned about feeding his own hunger at the dinner table and isn't even aware if the girls have taken a bite of their meal. It's SO TYPICAL of him and I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.


As you can see my rose colored glasses have been removed. I'm not heartbroken. I'm not even disappointed or surprised. I knew it was coming. People don't change. Leopards don't change their spots and Mexicans (at least 1 Mexican that I know of) who have everything in Mexico (including money) would prefer to be there than here.

BUT HE'S NOT TAKING ME AND HE'S NOT TAKING MY GIRLS!

Maybe some of my readers are new to my blog and wondering why I'm  being such a bitch, or maybe you skipped that particular post or just forgot when his mom said,

"Give him one of the girls, you take the other and go your separate ways."

Yeah, I pretty much lost any desire to see that woman ever again the moment she said that to me. As much as I loved her, she is no more than some random old Mexican lady now. One who told me I should not only give up one of my children but do it willingly. Sick woman. Sick sick woman.

And now I have a dilemma. Well, it's not really a dilemma. I KNOW what I NEED to do. The question is when and how bad will the repercussions be. I don't know. I am tempted to leave things as they are until he pushes the subject of going or doing some other ungawdly thing like putting some random co-worker on our car insurance policy. I swear he is FRIGGIN OUT OF HIS MIND.

Thank you to all you ladies who gave me a good smack upside the head (verbally) via text, e-mail, and comments. I'm glad the glasses came off sooner than later or I could have been in HUGE trouble.

Tomorrow is weigh in and I'm excited. I have been doing good. Really good and I pray the scale reflects that.

I'm off to rest now, catch up on some blogs and listen to some music.

Wish me luck in trying to figure this whole new situation out.

Until next time.

XO Kristen
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