Friday, October 29, 2010

REFLECTION - AFFLICTION - CAFFEINATED MYTH

When her eyes cracked open the dimmed room was quiet. So quiet, she wasn’t sure what had woken her. She felt the normal weight on her chest. The aching burden she woke up to every morning but this morning she felt something else. Someone else. She sat up slowly in bed and kept her eyes straight ahead. She felt someone watching her, waiting. It didn’t startle her the way it should have. Her heart did not thud erratically. She was not startled. She was only fearful. It had long been a horrific speculation that this person would come back for her. This person who watched and waited for her with no good intentions.


Bowing her head and keeping her gaze on her striped pajama pants, she slowly allowed one leg at a time to move off the side of the bed. She braced herself on her palms against her bed, locking her elbows. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut willing the person to leave. It was pointless to do so, but she couldn’t help the need for this person to be gone. She sucked in a deep breath and opened her eyes.

“Hello Krissy,” the familiar voice leered and the even more familiar brown eyes gazed back at her.

Tears welled in her eyes and her voice box refused to produce a sound.

“I see you haven’t missed me. I really have missed you though.”

Anger bubbled up inside her but when she opened her mouth to object she was interrupted.

“Shhh. You don’t want me here now. But don’t worry. I’m here to protect you. I’m here to show you that you don’t need anyone. Well, anyone except me.” A lethal smile pulled up the corners of the full lips. “Soon enough you’ll realize how much time you wasted without me.”

“I didn’t waste any time.” Krissy whispered with her eyes now averted. Even she questioned the certainty of her words. The dominance and the manipulation were daunting, and difficult to withstand. Memories of this person overwhelmed her mind. The comfort, the relief and the freedom that this person allowed in her life. Only on the fringe of her memories did she recollect the pain, the toxicity, the overwhelming obsession. Specific memories danced through her mind and as she continued to remember the good, the bad memories faded further and further as the temptation of relief bombarded her thoughts.

The guffaw that followed her statement had her raising her gaze once again and narrowing her eyebrows.

“You need me like you need air. Look what has become of you while I’ve been gone. You are an emotional wreck. You don’t know forward from backward. You’re so confused. I can straighten everything out.”

“No,” Her voice broke as she shook her head. “No, you can’t.” Again, the words were practiced and she wasn’t sure she meant them.

Another patronizing laugh.

“So little faith. Come on; let’s go get something to eat and we can talk it out. That way I can see how much work I really have.”

“No!” Tears were now spilling down Krissy’s cheeks.

She felt her resolve wavering. Life had recently become so overwhelming. Finances, family, children, work, trust, honesty. It was all becoming so much and she knew this person could fix it. Numb it.

“Come on Krissy. I know you’re hungry. Everyone has to eat. Let’s grab a bite and talk it over.” The voice was alluring and she stood to walk toward it, to accept it. To accept the offer and the life she knew that would lie ahead of her.

Now her heart started thudding. Nerves sent her adrenaline pumping. Her breath accelerated and she involuntarily ran her tongue over her parched lips.

“That’s it. Come on. I have everything you need. I have everything you want. You don’t need anything else and soon you won’t want anything else either.”

Tears dripped off Krissy’s chin as she approached her destiny. She reached out and the hands that reached out to her were hard and cold. She felt the immediate urge to pull away. She searched the face of the person looking back at her. The eyes that looked back into hers were wide and blood shot. The lips that spoke to her were parted, expectant.

The squeal of the bedroom door opening tore her from her purpose and Krissy saw her little girl standing at the threshold watching her curiously in her footy pajamas.

“Mama?”

She swallowed against the dryness in her throat and closed her eyes with the effort.

“What is it Punkin?” she asked.

“Why are you talking to yourself?”

Krissy’s eyes darted from her small daughter to the bloodshot brown eyes staring back at her from her reflection. A hurricane of emotion flashed through those eyes. Hate, disappointment, relief and peace.

“Mama was making a decision.” She said to her daughter. Her reflection’s wide eyes glared back at her.
“Did you make it Mama?”

“Yes, Punkin. Yes I did and you just helped me.” Her reflections eyes narrowed at her.
“Good Mama, can you make me breakfast now?”

“Yes baby.”

And as Krissy turned to follow her child out of the bedroom she mouthed to her reflection.

“I don’t need you.”



__________________________________________

This is the metaphorical struggle I deal with daily. The reflection in the mirror telling me I need to stay fat. I need to be protected. I need to cook not only to feed myself and my size but to be a good mom, a good wife. On the opposite spectrum I need to eat to keep myself unattractive. I need to feel unattractive so that my husband will not hound me. Unattractive so that no other man will find me attractive. I need that fat girl in my reflection to justify my actions. Every morning I wake up to the aching burden of my weight and every day I look into the mirror. So many days that instigator, the one who tells me I am worth nothing, I deserve nothing and I need to stay fat is staring back at me. Rare is the day that my true reflection looks back at me. But every time I fall, I get back up. Sometimes with the help of my real daughters and the idea of their lives with or without me and sometimes with the metaphor of my daughters; something always snaps me back into my right place on the journey to a healthier happier me.

__________________________________________

As I said in my previous post I woke up feeling as though a steam roller had hit me and then backed up over me and repeated the damage. I hurt from my hair follicles to the very tips of my fingers and toes. The only thing that somewhat relieved my leg pain was Advil. After breakfast I tried throat lozenges for my sore throat. I tried tea. I tried coffee. I tried soup. Hot foods, cold foods, iced things. I found the only thing that helped was milk. I drank loads of milk today. It seemed to coat my throat. I don’t know why. That said today was NOT a good day for eating. What with all my attempts to relieve a bit of pain, I tried everything and God knows how many calories went into the concoctions I tried. I literally thought for a little while that I was going to pass out on my girls my discomfort was so intense. Thank God I only get sick MAYBE 1x a year.


That said, I am tempted to take myself out of Allan’s challenge. What do you all think? I am not using sick as an excuse to eat crap. I am using being sick as an excuse to take whatever helps my pain. If drinking cups upon cups of milk is going to allow me to be able to talk to my girls without feeling like someone is slicing my throat from the inside out than well, so be it. I have no desire to eat candy, so Halloween shouldn’t be a problem. I don’t know. My thoughts are all over the place. You tell me. Stay in the challenge or bow out?

Any good ideas for relieving muscle aches?

Oh and I received a comment a day or so ago about caffeine dehydrating you and that for every cup of caffeine you need to drink X amount of water to compensate. I decided to investigate this and it seems it would take an enormous amount of caffeine to dehydrate someone and that caffeine in moderation (for example in tea, coffee, soda etc) should be counted as water intake as it is the number one ingredient. This does not include energy drinks such as Red Bull, Jolt, Monster and the like. If anyone wants references to where I found my information I would be happy to post it.

I’m off to go take some more Advil for my legs. (I can barely sit down or stand up without grimacing) and then I’m going to go to bed. I’m exhausted. ESPECIALLY since my girls woke me up at 5AM and kept me up at intervals until 7AM when we all got up for good.

Goodnight Blogworld

XO Kristen

BREAKFAST SANS WEIGH IN

I forgot to weigh in this morning. Woke up like I got hit by a truck. Sore throat, major headache, hungry and so sore I can barely move my lower body from all those squats coupled with zumba.

Breakfast was 486 cals. Two eggo waffles with 1tbsp peanutbutter, one half banana and coffee with cream.



I think pumpkin carving and other fun family festivities are in store later this afternoon and evening.

Until lunch!

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, October 28, 2010

WHAT THE ____ IS ZUMBA?!?!

So, I get a lot of people commenting and e-mailing me that they see that I do this 'exercise' called 'zumba' and they can't believe I burn 'so many calories' in 'only an hour'. 

The simple explanation of Zumba is a form of aerobic dance that is taught by only licensed instructors, but can be bought on DVD and soon will be making an appearance in game stores for Xbox and Wii Fit. The dance involves latin rhythms such as salsa, merengue, cumbia, flamenco, quebradita as well as reggaeton, African, samba, belly dancing and so many more . . which you follow. It is amazingly fun, amazingly aerobic and the time goes AMAZINGLY fast! Oh yeah, and after you get over the self-consciousness it makes you feel extremely SEXY!

Unfortunately my favorite instructor, Kim, does not post her Zumba workouts on Youtube but some other really awesome Zumba instructors who have her style do and I will post a couple here so you can get an idea. If you want to take Zumba (in my opinion) you definitely have to like the style of the instructor otherwise it just isn't as fun as it could be.


BASIC ZUMBA STEPS






BADASS ZUMBA INSTRUCTOR - REMINDS ME OF MINE





So, now you get the idea.

Tonight while in class I couldn't see Kim and so I decided to move from the back of the class (where I always am) to the very very front. Not only could I see her better but apparently she saw me too because after class she was telling me that I have 'some serious moves' and that she hadn't seen them before cuz I was hiding in the back of the room. Haha! That made me feel good.

Well, that's all for tonight folks. Survivor has been DVR'd and is waiting for me.

Please pray for both my little ones. Breezy has hit her head on more things today, including the wall and my grandma's very bony knee and she has a nice big purple goose egg on her forehead. On the other hand Buzzy has either a cold or some serious side effects from her immunizations that mimic a cold. Runny nose, dry cough and 101 fever. Poor baby. Please pray Breezy is able to be accident free for a while so she doesn't give herself a concussion and that Buzzy gets well soon! Thank you!

Now go sign up for Zumba! I can almost guarantee you'll wonder why it took you so long to do it!!

XO Kristen

CRAPTASTIC LUNCH & THE EXERCISE THAT SAVES ME


Lunch was the norm only too much because I allowed my gramma to make it. No excuses of course. No one forced me to eat all the hummus and bread she piled on my plate along with the mission chips she laid out on the table. And certainly no one forced me to eat the ice cream she scooped out for me without asking first. But I ate it. Every bite of it.

I then proceeded to do 80 slow torturous squats and some of the routine I remembered from zumba while my girls napped and I watched the biggest loser burning at least 200 cals.

Tonight I'm going to Zumba toning where I will burn a minimum of 1000 cals but usually upwards of 1200 leaving me at a net intake (after my lean cuisine 250 cal dinner) of 1501 cals.

((Deep sigh))

Things could have been worse. My eating could have been unredeemable but it could have... Should have been better.

ONWARD

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

AT LUNCH...

I lost a bit of control (not a ton... I didn't binge) but enough to make me feel like crap. Now all I wanna do is take a nap. So, lunch was such a shitfest that I really don't have more than 50 cals for dinner. I'm guessing I should just skip dinner & suffer?? Here's to hoping my gramma can babysit tonight so I can zumba...

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

STRETCHING COMPARISON FROM MARCH TO NOW & BREAKFAST




So, in March I showed you all some photos of me stretching. I thought I'd do some comparison photos. The first photos will be March photos, taken approximately 3 months into my healthy lifestyle change. The photos of me in th gray t-shirt are the ones I took last night.
 
My legs could totally go further but my sister's room didn't exactly allow for it what with furniture and stupid walls in the way. LOL Oh and don't I look so pretty! Haha!

I can spread my legs a little bit wider but my sister's room still doesn't allow for as wide as I can go.




My thighs and hips were hurting from doing this so much tonight so I decided not to pull something for the sake of a picture and show you all that my feet can go 'pretty far' in


Because my legs still look fat you can't really tell but I can pull my feet in closer and my knees touch the ground better





Please excuse the LARGE BILLOWING GREEN MOOMOO that is my T-shirt. I bought it at the mens Big & Tall size 4x for when I was pregnant and it all but consumes me now. I have it pulled to my back in the photos (except for this one) so you can see me better
 


My sister actually got the full shot this time LOL





Neat trick huh? My sister said I looked deranged.
Yeah, I spose I do

This position is actually MUCH MUCH MORE comfortable now. Before I had to lean into my foot a bit, now my foot just goes right up. LOL







Blurry shot but you get the idea. Mama got some short legs LOL
 

Nothing really to say here except this is easier too cuz my belly isn't in the way


I have to say that I could fall asleep like this. It is SUCH a comfortable position


Breakfast was exactly the same as yesterday. "Silly drink and all"
*ALTHOUGH I ordered a tall instead a of a grande so that was 170 cals instead of 220 and my cheese on my sandwhich this morning was 110 cals instead of 80 because we ran out of kraft singles and I had to use real 'block' cheese which isn't with reduced fat milk ((sigh)) regardless my meal still came to 460 cals and I am MORE than satisfied.

XO Kristen

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

SNACK, DINNER, DESSERT

For 3:00 snack I had a 130 cal fiber one bar.

For dinner corned beef and cabbage with potatoes and carrots for approximately 350 cals


Dessert was 2 more dark chocolate blocks for 72 calories and mt day finished at upwards of 1470 cals. Whoot!!

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

LUNCH & COKE VS PEPSI

Lunch was 4tbsp hummus for 100 cals

1 sandwich thin for 100 cals

10 green grapes and 1/2 cup pineapple for approximately 75 cals

9 sea salt and cracked black pepper baked lays for 75 cals and

3 blocks semi sweetened dark chocolate for 108 cals.

For a lunch total of 458 cals

I also had a diet coke for lunch which got me thinking about soda. It's not something I am willing to take out of my diet and I don't think there is really a reason to as I have MAYBE 1 a day, its ALWAYS diet because I actually dont like the way the regular stuff tastes and it doesn't trigger cravings.

So in my family we have a definite controversy and that is Coke vs. Pepsi. For example the washintonians of my family ONLY like pepsi and will settle for coke ONLY if there are NO other options. The Californians in my family prefer coke and will choose Pepsi only in a pinch and it's the only thing available.

Someone in my family even prefers coke over pepsi because they believe that the CEO is a socialist and/or communist and therefore refuses to purchase the product.

I personally think Pepsi is VERY VERY VERY sweet even in diet form and therefore prefer coke but I don't really mind one or the other. I like my diet soda. Even diet rootbeer, diet dr. pepper, diet mtn. dew and of course fresca which is always diet (I think).

So which are you? Are you a pepsi or coke person? And why?

XO Kristen

BORING BUT NECESSARY

Breakfast was a 100 cal sandwhich thin toasted. One egg fried in non stick pan no oil or butter or spray for 80 cals. One piece of kraft singles cheese for 80 cals and a grande nonfat mocha from starbucks for 220 cals. Grand total for breakfast was 480 cals.

Love me my caffeine addiction! Lol ... No but seriously, I'm
Nursing a wannabe migraine so the mocha was not only a treat but completely called for as I only take my migraine meds when absolutely positively necessary.

Looking into zumba for wii or some zumba DVDs today so I can get my zumba on at home too!

Back for lunch!

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

FAT PANTS

Remember this pic I posted the other day?





Size 28 jeans on the bottom. Tried them on today just for shits n giggles.





Stickin my gut out as far as possible. The pants are around the widest part of my hips. Not where they should be sitting just below my waist.




Where they should be.




Back view




Crotch grip when pants were sitting on widest part of hip.




Thigh grip





Do you see the bagginess??




Wedgie pull. I'm completely aware how attractive this looks.

Mind you I had to pour myself into these pants at 300lbs.

Can't wait till I can fit a child in there with me. That'll make for awesome photos.

XO Kristen

PS - Dinner was pasta carbonara courtesy of Lean Cuisine. 270 cals. I will finish today with 1090 cals consumed and somewhere between 1000-1200 cals burned at Zumba tonight.

Day 1 of DOUBLE DOG DARE CHALLENGE = SHIT
Day 2 of DOUBLE DOG DARE CHALLENGE = THE SHIT!

- posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

LUNCH WAS EASY


Lunch was a 110 cal sandwhich thin used in place of higher calorie pita, paired with 100cals worth of sabra hummus (4tbsp), 1 serving (18 chips=150 cals) of cracked pepper and sea salt baked lays and 10 green grapes for 50 cals. Lunch's total was 410 cals. Hey same as breakfast. Cool.

The girls had their favorite (not pictured because it was gone pretty fast) cheese wrapped in turkey bologna, green grapes, baked cheetos and a couple scoops of mama's hummus with their fingers. LOL
XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

FIGHTING WITH MY BREAKFAST

I woke up and didin't want to eat well. I wanted a massive bowl of honeycomb cereal with whole milk and then I wanted some eggo waffles with tons of margarine and loads of syrup and then I wanted a fried egg (or a dozen) on white bread with mayo and lots of cheese.

I sat in my  big recliner fidgeting and fighting with myself for nearly two entire episodes of Fresh Beat Band. Yep, that's one hour of internal warfare regarding B.R.E.A.K.FA.S.T. Grrr I started just sitting and ended with my legs curled under me and my arms folded tightly over my chest. I need to stop the internal chaos and just do what is GOOD FOR ME.

SO I DID.

I got up. *sluggishly might I add*

Put on the coffee to percolate.

Pulled out the last 4 packets of Splenda to pour in my HUGE cup of coffee, my eggnog flavored creamer
and my 250 cal cinnamon raisin bagels (yep 250cals for the whole thing)

I toasted the bagel, poured myself coffee with 4TBSP of creamer.

My one mug of coffee is the equivalent of 2 normal coffee mugs.

I then ate my bagel dry and it wasn't half bad.

Normally I would eat 2TBSP of cream cheese (an extra 60 cals) on it but I wasn't in the mood.

So 160 cals for coffee (actually just the creamer) and my 250 cal bagel and I top off breakfast at 410 cals.

I'm full. I'm satisfied and I will be for at least 2 more hours.

I will be blogging lunch and dinner as well. I am thinking maybe this is the solution to my problem. Instant accountability for my food ingested.

Yep.

See ya in a few hours.

XO Kristen

Monday, October 25, 2010

EMPOWERMENT TO BLOG OPENLY & ADMITTANCE OF FAILURE-ESQE ACTIONS

I recently came upon THIS blog post from It's Just Me, Drazil and Sheniqua, which links to THIS blog which is an anonymous blog where ANYONE can write a post and remain -well- anonymous.

Considering my actions as of late (as noble as they seem and well intended as they were) I thought that this blog looked rather appealing. It would be somewhere I could tell my woe-is-me stories and not be judged personally for them. It was a place where I could confess things I have not as of late written about on MY OWN blog without cringing at the influx of berating comments.

(I am not sure why I expect them as I have received very few in my years as a blogger)

Regardless, I was tempted to use an anonymous e-mail address and send a post to the creator of that blog. I thought about it, thought about it some more and tried to come up with a post but just couldn't.

Why? you might be wondering . . . and even if you're not, well I'm gonna tell you.

Because I value my readers and their opinions and I value my accountability on MY  blog. If I can't write what I need to write and stamp my name on it as its author for fear that someone might say something nasty then I may as well not blog at all.

To be 100% honest I have held back a little (and yes, when I say a little... I mean ONLY a little) because of Allan. While I am super inspired and motivated by him, I am also a bit daunted and intimidated by him. For a while I stopped writing all my woes because I seriously felt like an idiot having so much trouble staying on plan.

I had a realization - a sort of epiphany I suppose - tonight. I can't NOT write about the crap I eat, my binges, my emotional gluttony, my husband and the things his presence in my life drives me to eat and the emotions I feel before and after I eat those things. I have to be able to write about it ALL and stamp my name on it.

I NEED TO OWN IT.
I NEED TO OWN THIS.
I NEED TO ADMIT IT AND ACKNOWLEDGE IT AND DEAL WITH IT.

There is no reason to be anonymous. I have nothing to hide.

* By the way, I truly value your opinion, Allan, and I think your are a wicked inspiration and motivator but I also have feared your written wrath for some time - as you probably know because you seem to be very intuitive (to use an ironic word. LOL) But I can't allow a fear that I have imposed on myself - because you have never given me a reason to think you would write shit about me - control what I write.

So here I am.

I'm part of the Double Dog Dare Challenge on Allan's blog.

I started the day out really well.

350 cals of a FOR ME Veggie Omelette with coffee at IHOP

I had a 100 cal pack of candy thingies shared with Buzzy

Then life went downhill.

I get depressed with all this rain.

I get depressed with my life.

I think too much... and I started thinking. A LOT.

I had to go get Buzzy a couple immunizations and I made myself sick with anxiety over them. My poor baby. I didn't want anyone to hurt her. I didn't want to see the pain and sadness in her eyes. It killed me.

I allow myself to go numb sometimes.

And so after Buzzy got her immunizations and I promised her an ice cream cone from McDonalds today we went to get it.

I told myself I'll have a salad. No, get a happy meal, I argued. You'll be satisfied with a 530 cal happy meal of cheeseburger and fries and you won't eat a salad AND  the Happy Meal like you know you will if you deprive yourself. The argument went on and on. I ended up ordering the Happy Meal - which would have been fine, bringing my daily total to 980 cals. I would have still had 600+ cals left for dinner.

But then I lost it. Something switches over in my brain sometimes like a needle on a record, and suddenly any concern for what goes into my mouth goes out the window. The fringe of concern is still there, telling me I shouldn't be eating this. It's not right. It doesn't fit. It won't help you. You will suffer both physically and mentally from eating this. But the new song playing on the record just DOESN'T CARE.

AND THAT MY FRIENDS, IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME TODAY.

Granted, it could have been worse. A LOT WORSE. But I failed my first day of Allan's challenge and I am disappointed in myself. I am disappointed for so many reasons and some don't have anything to do with eating.

Remember I told you I got the depo shot? Well, I forgot the kind of stuff it does to you. It FUCKS up your hormones. I feel like I'm pregnant again. A roller coaster of weepy, angry, sad, depressed shit emotions and my period hasn't come. I want it to come to at least cleanse my body. Aside from that I have had headache after headache after headache and Buzzy has been so clingy, cry-ee, needy and Breezy has just been along for the ride. I feel so bad for her. Like I don't give either of them sufficient attention. It makes me sad and then angry and then anxious. I mean THESE are human lives. MY BABIES. I can't EFF them up because I'm on an emotional wreck of a roller coaster. That just isn't fair to them. They deserve emotional stability. They deserve a mommy who is there for them 100% and sometimes I just don't feel like I am and it is so guilt wracking!!! . . . ((((sigh))))

Okay, so this post got a teensy bit emotional and out of control.

So, without ridicule I need advice. I want this. I NEED this. (To lose weight that is). I want and need it so bad I can taste it. (Not that I should be tasting anything. I do enough of that in excess) It just seems that my FAT CHICK seems to override my FIT CHICK when things get tough emotionally. Besides blogging - reading it or writing it and besides just DOING IT as some of our tough-love bloggers like to advise, what do you do (especially you women) when that time of month comes up or you are feeling just overly emotional or what have you and you just want to cram as much food in your face as you can??

Help a blogging sister out. LOL I know I have the answers right here. I know I AM CAPABLE. I KNOW ALL I NEED TO DO IS DO IT, but any coping techniques you could share would be awesome.

AND THAT IS MY BLOG, MY CONFESSIONAL AND MY PEACE FOR TONIGHT.

XO Kristen

DOUBLE DOG DARE CHALLENGE



Allan's challenge starts today.

Current weight: 270

Goal weight: 150

Goal weight x 11: 1650 <--- calories to be consumed for the next two weeks. No CHEATING!

+ 64oz of water daily. No biggie.

ONWARD

XO Kristen

Sunday, October 24, 2010

MY SHRINKING PANTS & 101 USELESS THINGS YOU DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT ME

My size 28 jeans that didn't even fit me until about the time I started this healthy lifestyle about 9 months ago. The black pants are a NON-PLUS SIZE Target 2X and for those of you who don't know, there is a huge difference between a PLUS SIZE 2X and a NON PLUS SIZE 2X.

 
Now for 101 Things About Me
 
I bit the logo off of SHANILIE over at LOSING OVER HALF OF ME
 



 
1. I am a California girl through and through even though I now life in the Pacific Northwest
 
2. I secretly wish I was Mexican (sometimes) because I love their culture
 
3. I LOVE Zumba because I like to shake my ass in front of people (Yep, I'm a show off)
 
4. I have my novel character voices in my head. Which I suppose would explain why I'm SKITZO
 
5. I pull my hair out one strand at a time when I'm nervous and roll it (since I was very little)
 
6. I once shaved my eyebrows completely off and drew them on in black pencil for over a year. I looked Asian
 
7. When I was in 7th grade I hooked my best friend up with my IMAGINARY cousin who lived in Alaska.
 
8. Then I killed him when I got tired of it cuz he was imaginary and I had that power. I gave him a fatal illness.
 
9. She believed me
 
10. I sing reggaeton in the shower
 
11. I once ran from the shower, butt naked, to the living room to answer an expected phone call and then ran back to the bathroom where I promptly slipped and fell HARD on my ass
 
12. I speak Spanish fluently.
 
13. I know how to cuss in Italian, Greek, Japanese, Portuguese, and French
 
14. I'm a very jealous person
 
15. I secretly love all the teeny bopper TV shows like iCarly, Victorious, Wizards of Waverly Place and Hannah Montana
 
16. I also LOVE LOVE LOVE cop shows. NCIS, CIS, BONES, WHITE COLLAR, MONK, LAW & ORDER and so forth and so on.
 
17. I wish I could be on Survivor
 
18. I love the smell of Zest soap and when I was pregnant with Breezy, if I had thought it would taste as good as it smelled I would have eaten it
 
19. I want to KILL Dora the Explorer
 
20. I don't mind washing and drying clothes but I HATE folding them and hanging them up
 
21. I don't mind cooking but I HATE doing dishes
 
22. I LOVE authentic Mexican food like Tostadas de Tinga, REAL chiles rellenos, REAL tacos, atole, champurrado, REAL tamales, eggs with real refried beans (not canned) and green chile.
 
23. I thought I wore a size 9 shoe until I turned 21 and had my foot measured. I actually wear a 7.5 or 8.
 
24. The biggest pants size I ever wore was size 32 and it was tight
 
25. I am a TWIHARD and secretly wish Edward would come to my town (it's the same state lol) and sweep me off my feet
 
26. I think my iPhone has actually become a 5th appendage
 
27. I wear Twilight Woods and Black Amethyst perfume from Bath & Body Works
 
28. My favorite flower is the Orchid closely followed by the Lace Tulip
 
29. My favorite color is baby pink. My favorite color combinations are pink and brown or pink gray and black
30. I have all four wisdom teeth but they are upside down and therefore still painful because the roots are on the surface
 
31. I am secretly grateful that God did not give me any boys (I LOVE MY GIRLS)
 
32. I love Spongebob Squarepants and pee my pants a little when I watch from laughing
 
33. I cannot stand people who chew with their mouth open (the only excuse for this is when you are sick and cannot breathe through your nose)
 
34. My boobs are different sizes (like severely)
 
35. I had braces for 5 years but I made them take them off for my Senior Pictures
 
36. When I was little we had 20 finches, 3 parakeets, upwards of 15 hamsters (4 teddy bear and 11 mini teddy bear), 3 dogs and 2 cats and numerous fish
 
37. The idea for my first finished novel came to me when I was 10 years old. 15 years later it's finished.
 
38. Other than my husband I only had one other boyfriend
 
39. I am the opposite of a germ-a-phobe
 
40. I only brush my teeth once a day. In 26 years I have only had 2 cavities
 
41. I admittedly wear granny panties but can't wait until I can buy sexy little numbers from Victoria's Secret and raunchy little numbers from Frederick's of Hollywood
 
42. I miss the freakishness that was Santa Monica Boulevard in Santa Monica with the street performers, the working girls, the punks and transvestites and other crazies and going there every weekend (sigh)
 
43. I love the movie Pretty Woman and wanted to be Julia Roberts for the longest time
 
44. I used to love horror movies as a teen ... not anymore.
 
45. My favorite cartoons ever are Duck Tales, Gummi Bears, ChipNDale Rescue Rangers, Bonkers, Darkwing Duck, and the normal after school line-up that they don't even bother to show anymore.
 
46. I love cats
 
47. I missed half of my sophomore year of high school because my bronchial asthma was misdiagnosed as pleurisy and other nonsensical issues with my lungs and was thus prescripted medicine that only made my asthma worse. It took an asthma attack and a blue faced trip to the emergency room to find out it was 'just asthma'.
 
48. I was given an epidural with Buzzy. One numbing poke. One big needle and DONE
 
49. I was given a spinal with Breezy. 25 numbing pokes. 25 other needles of varying sizes and only after 1.5 hours and the 25th needle was my spinal block FINALLY in place.
 
50. I have permanent unbearable pain where my spinal was placed whenever any pressure is put there
 
51. I can turn my feet backwards
 
52. I can curl my tongue into a three leaf clover
 
53. I LOVE dark chocolate
 
54. I am a magic eraser freak (the Mr. Clean kind . . . not the kiddie kind)
 
55. I can be ticklish or not ticklish. I can turn it on and off. Lucky me!
 
56. I have a third boob. Well, at least a place where one was supposed to grow. I guess the correct way to say it is that I have an undeveloped third areola (the dark part of a boob)
 
57. My favorite ice cream is coffee heathbar crunch followed closely by chocolate.
 
58. Among my favorite veggies are broccoli, artichoke, and butternut squash
 
59. I love having acrylic nails but rarely actually get them
 
60. I shave my toes, my knuckles and my upper lip
 
61. I don't feel 26 years old. I still feel 18.
 
62. I get abthyst ulcers on my tongue sometimes and it looks like a butcher took his knife to my tongue
 
63. I am allergic to cinnamon gum and cinnamon candies (but not real cinnamon?) which causes said abthyst ulcers
 
64. I am not allergic to any medications but my entire family says we are allergic to penicillin (sp?) because the only person in our family whoever took it died within minutes
 
65. I am the oldest of 5 children. Me and my sister from my mom and my two brothers and sister from my dad
 
66. My youngest sister is only 5 years older than Buzzy
 
67. Buzzy and Breezy have never met my dad or any of their aunts an uncle's except my sister who lives with us. (They have 8 aunts and 9 uncles total)
 
68. My girls' oldest uncle is only 5 years younger than their great grandpa. Mind BOGGLING!!
 
69. My grandfather is 30 years younger than my father-in-law
 
70. I have a very sarcastic sense of humor
 
71. I am a moderate republican
 
72. I am anti-abortion
 
73. I DO NOT HATE people for their choices, but I DO BELIEVE many people make BAD/WRONG  choices (including myself)
 
74. I find it comical that our president was publicly called a monkey
 
75. I sometimes think I am going to go crazy if my children don't stop talking/whining for 10 seconds.
 
76. I believe in a loose version of the idea 'children should be seen and not heard'. There are definitely situations where this applies and certainly others where it does not
 
77. I can type 77wpm - no errors - when I try
 
78. I love Nips candies
 
79. I  CANNOT wiggle my ears
 
80. I CAN raise both eyebrows independently of each other
 
81. I wish I could tie a cherry stem with my tongue (my mom can)
 
82. I have a lot of areys in my family. Carey, Gary, Mary, Terri,
 
83. My middle name is Breanne
 
84. My maiden name was Tint - yup - TINT
 
85. My dad paid my mom when she got pregnant with me to have an abortion (I don't think he knows I know that)
 
86. My grandparents told me mom if she wasn't going to keep me they were going to adopt me
 
87. They have always treated me as their third and youngest daughter
 
88. My grandparents were 35 and 36 respectively when I was born
 
89. My great great grandmother (who everyone says I am the spitting image of) was alive until I turned 2.
 
90. Until the last 5 years of my life (when I have lived in Washington) I used to go to Disneyland 2X every year of my life. I miss that.
 
91. My grandfather used to work for Disney Studios and created Peter Pans shadows in the Peter Pan ride
 
92. My great grandfather helped create the original KING KONG
 
93. My late great aunt Kathy was a hairdresser to the stars and I have autographs from actors as early as Lucille Ball, Dick Van Dyke, Jerry Van Dyke and Mary Tyler Moore as well as more recent actors who I am not as impressed with
 
94. Despite my weight I can bend myself into pretzel shapes, pulling my legs over my head, reaching well past my toes both sitting and standing and I can almost do the splits
 
95. I can feel my hip bones when I lie on my side. I cannot wait until I can feel them regardless of how I am laying/standing
 
96. I hate sports although I don't mind watching them every once in a while
 
97. I have been told I have more hair on my head than three adult women combined
 
98. As a teen I used to shave my ENTIRE BODY
 
99. Once upon a time after Breezy was born I was interested in getting an elective hysterectomy
 
100. I am now grateful I didn't do it.
 
101. I am thinking someday I may want a third or even fourth baby (siiigh)
 
 
XO Kristen

Saturday, October 23, 2010

7 THINGS NOBODY TOLD ME

When you are losing a significant amount of weight nobody tells you that:

  • The weight loss will first be visible in your face, your boobs and your ass (even if your boobs and ass are already non existent)
  • When your weight loss is not yet extremely obvious people will stare at you for long periods of time wondering what has changed but generally they won't ask
  • The fatty bat wings that hang off your biceps will not disappear. They will only get longer and looser and more 'flappy'.
  • You will not only be able to pinch an inch of skin from your body but you will be able to pinch several inches deep of skin and then pull it away from your body like a piece of thick clothing.
  • Cellulite will lessen but the sag of extra skin will create creases and dimples giving the illusion that rather than losing cellulite you are in fact, compacting your butt, belly, thighs and arms with cottage cheese.
  • Your private parts will become visible, and you will not recognize them
  •  Skin near said private parts can become so overly stretched and thin that when massive weight loss occurs it can actually be shredded by rough clothing  (believe me. I know. It has happened and it HURTS!)
Ok, your turn. Add your own in the comments.

XO Kristen

Friday, October 22, 2010

FOLLOW UP & SPEECHLESS SCRATCH THAT - WHAT THE F*CK?!

CAN'T.STOP.BURPING.TOO.MUCH.DIET.COKE.



FOLLOW UP TO MY LAST POST

Anyway, so I am glad that so many of you share my opinion on being PC. I think it is truly ridiculous that we live in a country where one of our human rights is FREEDOM OF SPEECH and the people in our country have become so sensitive. There was once a time when being politically correct meant simply being considerate. But NOT ANYMORE! No, now we walk around on egg shells for fear that we might say something that GOD FORBID might offend someone - anyone! Of course no one should intentially TRY to offend other people but when the truth is fact and the facts must be told, well grow some thick skin and suck it up.

When people are offended by truth and fact that is no one's problem but their own and they need to learn how to deal with it. Being offended by something as random as being called a stewardess as opposed to a flight attendant is just ridiculous. Being offended by being called black as opposed to being called African American or whatever the newest PC term is, is just nit picky. Of course there are bigger and more important topics out there that we suddenly have to be all PC about too. God for one. Heaven forbid we mention God in public without also mentioning Allah, Buddha, Muhammad and Mother Nature. Heaven forbid we carry a Bible proudly or pray in public or say Merry Christmas to someone who doesn't celebrate the holiday. The world just may end!!

I found this list of PC bullshit from another blog and I think it's AN ABOMINATION!! - the PC-ness of our society - not the author or the content.

A janitor is now a custodial engineer and a garbage hauler is now a sanitation engineer even though neither has an engineering degree. An American Indian is now called a Native American. A person who is deaf is now hearing impaired. A blind person is now visually impaired. A handicapped person is now physically impaired. A fat person is now called weight challenged or weight impaired (I am fat but I am not challenged nor impaired and I resent the use of those words. I don't mind being called fat, after all, it's the truth, but I do mind being told that I am less than others because I'm fat.). A pet is now called an animal friend. A person who is slow to learn is now mentally challenged. Orientals are now Asians. Anno Domini (AD) is now Common Era (CE). A prison is now a House Of Corrections. An illegal alien is now an undocumented immigrant or an undocumented worker. Terrorists are now called insurgents even though the definition of an insurgent is a rebel and a rebel does not usually kill innocent people. Punks and delinquents are now called environmentally challenged youths. People are no longer laid off, they are now downsized. Merry Christmas is now Happy Holidays. Happy Thanksgiving is now Happy Turkey Day. Even Valentines day is now being called Friends Day. Don't say "under God" when saying the Pledge of Allegiance, because you might make an atheist uncomfortable and then the atheist might sue.

For the rest of this gentleman's quite comical but VERY TRUE post click HERE.

So people, I say tell it like it is. Don't intentionally try to hurt people but don't bend over backwards and break your spine trying to be nice when there is just no easy way to say something. And for all you PC extremists, grow a backbone, get some thick skin, see a therapist for your insecurities and GET OVER YOURSELF.

Now onto:

WHAT THE F*CK?!?!

Yep. I used a word that I rarely do. I'm not a big fan of the word but this time I think it is merited. I have been reading blogs. And I mean TONS of blogs. I have hundreds of blogs in my blogroll and that doesn't even touch on the hundreds of random ones I read all the time.


Recently, via a much loved fellow blogger, I came upon a weight loss blog who has taken weight loss to a new and frightening level. Her blindness to reality is truly astounding. I don't do the 'GO LOOK' thing because that just isn't necessary to me. If you know who I'm talking about fine. If not, well, be glad.

I have never been one to openly 'flog' other bloggers. My motto of sorts is blog and let blog. Not too long ago I was attacked regarding my opinion of God and homosexuality. People unfollowed me. I got horrible comments and e-mails. Because of my OPINION that I stated was my OPINION. This woman however states her OPINION as FACT and I think she lacks in both experience and perhaps intelligence to be able to do so. Perhaps this is a rant. So you are now warned. This is a rant. My period should be starting in 10....9.....8.....7......6.....5....4......3......2.....1



Apparently because when googling images for the world BOLD she got photos of a cell phone she suddenly thinks that we have very little in our society that represents the true meaning or symbolism of BOLDNESS.

--- Hmmmm, I'd check elsewhere besides google imaging before making such a BOLD statement.

Apparently America as a whole (yep, I guess that's you and me too) have a 'fixation and dependence on on pharmaceuticals as a matter of cultural ignorance that stems - not on accident, mind you - from the manipulated marketing with which consumers are dominated and brainwashed.'

--- So now we are not only fixated and dependent but manipulated, dominated and brainwashed. I SEE! BUT BUT BUT - I am kinda liking the pharmaceuticals that keep my lungs inflating from my bronchial asthma. My sister is very thankful for the pharmaceuticals that ease the pain in her knees (she's 17) that as of yet are in pain with no diagnosis. My grandmother is also quite happy with her fibromylagia meds. And I am sure my grandfather is quite thrilled with his pain medication that allows him to live 'normally' with neuropathy in both hands and both feet, bone spurs throughout his body, crushed and herniated spinals discs and frayed nerve endings caused by attempts to rid his face of malignant melanoma (he's 62). If that means we are fixated, dependent, manipulated, dominated and brainwashed then bring it on cuz THEY LIKE BEING PAIN FREE AND DAMMIT . . . I LIKE BREATHING!!

Apparently the cure for all cancer exists and therefore no research should be put forth and no funding of said research shouldn't be allowed because it already exists!! It really does!!

--- Sorry, I don't think so Tim. Oh and sorry lady but listing a thousand flippin' documentaries backing up your theory isn't gonna prove JACK SHIT! Thanks for the try though.

Apparently now not only our government is corrupt (cuz I totally agree that it is) but now our pharmaceutical companies, the researchers, the scientists, the doctors, and the insurance companies are all part of a conspiracy she calls the "keep 'em sick and ignorant" machine.

--- You're kidding me right? This truly leaves me speechless. Okay maybe not speechless . . . So, maybe insurance companies and maybe pharmaceutical companies are in it for the money but can you really imagine that researchers and scientists and DOCTORS for heavens sake really want to keep us 'sick and ignorant'. I think YOU are sick and ignorant and I don't mean sick like you need some Nyquil and Theraflu (even though you wouldn't take it anyway cuz then you're promoting the conspiracy you so blatantly abhor) I mean the 'you need to see a psychologist and perhaps a psychiatrist and SOON' kinda sick.

I gotst no more to say on the subject. It actually kinda makes me sick. Like I want to throw up in my mouth a little. Gah!

XO Kristen

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

FLAKY BLOGGERS & BLOG WARS

So tonight, as I was contemplating starting WWIII here in blogland with a topic that just has my panties all in a knot lately, I decided to declutter my blogroll (again) and can you believe there were nearly 20 people on my list who had not updated in more than 3 weeks?!?! Jeez! Don't you know that once I follow you, you are to feel an obligation to post at least every 2 weeks. I mean, I have reiterated this time and again. I stop reading you when you stop writing. Okay - of course - I was just joking about the feeling obligated stuff. But on a serious note, it does get kinda disheartening and sad when you become attached to certain bloggers and feel a real connection to or motivation from them and then they suddenly drop off the face of the earth. It's like losing a friend and not being able to make sure they're okay. Very frustrating for me.

On the weight loss front. The scale and I have not been on speaking terms. Murphy is mad at me for going off plan as I did and I in turn am afraid to step on him and see what he says. So, I am thinking of making it a full week (maybe 2) on plan and then seeing if he forgives me. *wink*

Back to the topic of WWIII here in blogland. I think I will start the topic and then let the comments speak for themselves. Then, maybe I'll do a follow up post - as I usually do.

So the thing that has really got me all twitterpated lately is confusing honesty with being politically incorrect or rude or racist or sexist or what-have-you. It seems while there is all this ranting about tolerance and acceptance, honesty is not tolerated and is actually (in some circumstances) considered intolerance.

Disclaimer: I am not specifically targeting any one specific controversial issue. It seems to happen in all controversial forums. Just FYI

Okay, there's the prompt. I am not going to expound on that until I get some feed back as I am mentally drained from other issues currently overwhelming my brain at the moment. I am extremely interested in your thoughts, views, beliefs.

AND AS ALWAYS, PLEASE BE RESPECTFUL. HONEST. BUT RESPECTFUL. 

XO Kristen

FREEDOM WITH A SIDE OF ANXIETY

I didn't speak much to the husband yesterday. I am trying really hard to set my priorities so other than him texting me several times asking where i was and what i was doing and me not answering because I was busy and was finally allowing myself space we didn't talk. Then last night I got more of the where and why's and I was at zumba so it ticked me off how relentless he was being. I didn't answer his texts. At home he texted me and asked if he could talk to the girls. I told him they were asleep and he demanded photos of them sleeping. Gaahhh!! He didn't text me after that. Thank God!

Normally he would have texted me already by 9am. So far he's MIA which makes me happy. I was sitting here while my girls ate breakfast and watched Fresh Beat sipping my coffee and I felt content. The difference of whether he is in or out of my life can be summed up in that statement. Without him I am content. With him I am a ball of nerves tiptoeing my way through life so I don't rock the proverbial boat and make him mad.

I do have to admit I still feel massive anxiety though. I don't know if it's merited or residual fear of him that tightens my chest when I think of him being upset or angry. As I sit here now typing this out on my iPhone I cringe everytime a popup text or announcement appears. I don't want to talk to him.

Sitting here there is frost on the grass outside and it's sparkling in the sun. The leaves are bright orange, red, yellow and gold. This reminds me of how it was before. It reminds me that there is hope and so much to live for, beauty in life. It doesn't have to be dark and depressing.

Now I just need to remember this feeling. The same way I need to remember the suffocation I allow myself to feel by being with him. The same way I need to remember the euphoric feeling of eating well and watching the number on the scale drop and the same way I need to remember the frantic overly full yet empty feeling if eating shit and fearing the scale.

I need not fear any longer. I am setting my priorities. The top two are my girls and my health. The rest doesn't even really matter.

((deep breath))



XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

THE HUSBAND IS MY EMOTIONAL FAT

I really should be doing laundry. There is about 2 loads piled next to me on the couch that needs to be folded, hung and put away. My girls are resting. But I just can't bring myself to do chores when one thing keeps running a red tagline through my head.

MY HUSBAND IS MY EMOTIONAL FATMY HUSBAND IS MY EMOTIONAL FATMY HUSBAND IS MY EMOTIONAL FATMY HUSBAND IS MY EMOTIONAL FATMY HUSBAND IS MY EMOTIONAL FATIf you read my last post, you'll get this. I had this revelation today.




Okay, I hear the unanimous DUH! echoing around blogland. It doesn't take a person with even half a brain and two partially working eyes who has read my story to understand this. My husband has always been a detriment in my life. Sad and harsh, but true.

This last month plus some I have been working really hard to 'work it out'. He begged me not to get the divorce. I obliged. I told myself I would give it my damnedest.

Meanwhile my eating suffers. I cannot get past 55lbs lost. I. JUST. CANNOT. DO. IT. And until now I didn't understand why.

The only variably between the first 5 months of my journey and now is that I let him back in. And even having promised to give it my damnedest is not worth my health.

For a while everything was going well.

Now things are reverting to the way they were. He is possessive, passive-aggressive, jealous, verbally-mentally-emotionally controlling.

He said something to me the other day.

"La forma de dar es en la forma de recibir."

I don't think I get the full meaning of this but loosely it translates into, 'the way to give is the way to receive.'

He says he has given me so much an that in return I should be willing to 'gratify' him however he pleases. (and no I'm not talking sex, although that is a part of it)

He has asked me to put my wedding rings back on. I did.
He asked me to consider going to Mexico for Buzzy's 3rd birthday. I said I would.
He asked me to consider living with him again. I said I would.
He then TOLD me I was going to be talking to his mom.

I asked him (very politely) if next time he could ask me before he committed me to something.

He got PISSED.

"La forma de dar es en la forma de recibir." he told me - basically threatening me that if I didn't do what he wanted, I could expect Jack sh*t (no not the blogger..lol) from him.

He then went on to praise himself as some kind of god for having erased the girls' phone numbers from his phone. (The ones he works with and who he has texted flirty - lovey dovey things to) As if he did me a huge favor by doing that.

So, the next day I talked to his mom.

(REMEMBER, THE BITCH WHO TOLD ME I SHOULD SPLIT MY CHILDREN UP BY GIVING ONE TO HIM TO TAKE BACK TO MEXICO AND KEEPING ONE HERE???... YEAH THAT ONE)

Yep, I was an idiot and I agreed (silently begrudging)  and she sounded like she wanted to talk to me as much as I wanted to talk to her. The conversation was strained and pointless.

The next day we went to the pumpkin patch. He asked me to send him photos via our iPhones. I agreed. There was no set time for me to do this so I figured when the girls were asleep that night I would. He texts me later wanting to know where his pictures were and why I ignored him all day and that I hadn't changed.

I sent him the photos. That was that. Except before we said goodnight he TOLD me I would be talking to his dad the next day.

I said okay just to shut him up.

Yesterday was the day I was supposed to talk to his dad.

Yesterday I had a migraine. He dragged me all over friggin' Timbuktu knowing I had a migraine and then once we were both in our respective homes he apologized profusely for it, which is so typically him. Make me suffer and then when the suffering is done, THEN APOLOGIZE. But an apology to him means nothing. To me it means, I'm sorry it won't happen again. To him it means, I'm only saying I'm sorry to make you think I am and next time it happens I will do the same thing and all will be forgiven because I said I'm sorry.

He wasn't very good with the girls yesterday. Buzzy leaned on him during lunch and dinner (mind you she's two years old) and he elbows her away while sneering 'let me eat.' He also grabbed Breezy's spoon away from her on several occasions because she was making a mess (what one year old doesn't?)

And then when we were done eating and the girls were a bit whiny out of nowhere he stood up and was all 'okay already! Let's go!" It was so uncalled for.

At the park I decided to test his fathering skills. As I mentioned I had a migraine and so I asked him to take the girls to the park himself. (Mind you I had no intentions of letting him actually take them alone. I don't trust him to be able to watch them both. I just wanted to see if he would make the effort)

He started to get Buzzy out of the car and as soon as she started to put up a fuss about something he said she couldn't do he told me to finish getting her out and that I had to come along. Nice.

Aside from all that he is constantly checking up on me. What I'm doing. Why haven't I texted him and when I don't console and coddle him like the abused child he thinks he is he has a massive temper tantrum. (Like the incident with his mom)

This Friday my mom is going to give me some time alone. When she offered the time to me a few weeks ago I made the HUGE mistake of mentioning it to him and now he's all for renting a hotel room. Like I want to spend my free time giving blow jobs and catering to his deprived sexual whims. NOOOOO!!! He even took me to my gyno to get the depo shot. I didn't know what to do. I should have said no. I was an idiot.

IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT - Yes I hear the echo not only in bloggerland but throughout the cosmos! KRISTEN IS AN IDIOT!!

I got the shot.

I don't want to go anywhere with him on Friday. I want time to myself.

I feel so burdened. So pressured. So out of control.

And it's all because of my husband

MY HUSBAND IS MY EMOTIONAL FAT.

I could easily drop him like a sack of potatoes. I actually don't know why I don't. It's like the Fat Chick with the food. I'm holding on so tight and I don't know why. Why would someone hold onto something that is hurting them so, in so many different ways?

I think I need to see a therapist. But I don't have the money for that. Is there such a thing as free therapy?

The first 5 months of this weight loss journey my life was pretty much husband free. That is when I lost the most weight. I enjoyed life. I didn't feel like I was constantly walking on egg shells. I didn't feel like everything out of my mouth was going to cause me grief.

I understand this now. A leopard doesn't change its spots nor a tiger its stripes nor a man his ways. I guess this last month was the last hoorah of trying to make things work. The last hoorah of trying to make a temporary 'feel good' thing permanent. It can't be. It's too detrimental. Like sugary and fatty and highly caloric foods, my husband just isn't good for me or my life.

Now to work on letting go . . .

XO Kristen 

SKITZO

I don't have the traditional schizophrenic disorder (that im aware of) which is why I spelled it different. See, a person with schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder generally is not aware when one of his or her alter egos takes over and the person may have only one alter ego or several.

I only have one and I am ALL too aware of when she takes over. It's like we are capable of different yet simultaneous thought. The only problem is that when SHE wants food and food that is not cohesive to my lifestyle I am only able to suppress her if there are no outside influences.

What do I mean by outside influences? Children offering me food, husband nagging-berating-insulting-belittling or being possessive. Family offering me food. If I am alone I can usually disuade her but when others are involved it's like she gains strength over me.

And when this happens it is literally as though I lose control of my body. She wants food and she will have it and no matter how loud I scream at her inside my head she doesn't listen.

Recently I read a post on a blog about emotional fat vs physical fat. I don't know what my physical fat % is but I can tell you my emotional fat is darn well near 100%. and that is 270lbs of fat chick taking up residence inside my head.

I have been so frustrated lately. I have complete control of everything during breakfast and lunch. Generally it is during this time that the Fat Chick starts lurking, waiting. Family dinners, carnivals, pumpkin patch, in home movie night - these are just a few of the events she lives for. And when she succeeds her appetite is insatiable and she eats until my newly smaller stomach is near bursting and all I want is to purge. I quite literally am unable to tolerate the sensation of being too full anymore and I involuntarily will either throw up or I will get a massive painful case of diarea.

But the damn Fat Chick isn't phased.

Recently my husband told me when I reached goal he wanted to take me to Mexico to get married the traditional Mexican way. I said nothing (because it is just about the last thing i want to do) but suddenly THe Fat Chick and I became an alliance. If I never reached goal I would never have to go and I would never have to stir the pot by saying I didn't want to go. It would be obvious by the loads of food constantly in my mouth and my subsequent girth. This thought process (HER thought process) last 4 days.

Yep. 4 days. So I am sure you can surmise that my eating was well below par. It wasn't even subpar it was ... Awful.

Today I woke up and SHE was in full control. Thoughts of postponing my good eating until November 1st or after the holidays were very forefront in my mind. Then I decided to weigh myself and just between you (all) and me, I DID NOT like what I saw. The Fat Chick rejoiced though. One more reason to continue eating shit! Right?!?!

Right?!?!

Right?!?!

No. Wrong. I told her to step off. Sit down. Shut up. Right now she's listening. Instead of consuming 800 calories for breakfast I ate 360. I feel good. Right now SHE is sulking. I don't feel her lurking or waiting. I feel no pull toward food.

Here I must say that for someone who has never experienced emotional eating this post may seem melodramatic, exaggerated and ridiculous but the truth of the matter is (and any emotional eater/binger will agree) that food becomes a shield, a means of protection, medication, numbing agent. Food becomes an addiction. I am working my way out of my addiction. I wish I could say I was doing better. I could be doing worse. I only pray that SHE remains dormant because no matter what she wants or how logical her reasoning may seem it is detrimental to me and my health.

Now if I could just figure out the emotional 160lb baggage I carry that is my husband. (((sigh))) but that's a whole other blog post.

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday, October 18, 2010

SEEING DRAGONS

In our family when someone sees things that don’t really exist or aren’t really there, we call that ‘seeing dragons’.

I have been ‘seeing lots of dragons’ lately and as far as I know I'm not really (really really) crazy . . . (?) When I’m driving I see shadows, people, dogs, cats, animals etc, in the street, that aren’t really there.

I could have sworn the other day as I drove down a back road that a small boy started to jump out in the street just before I drove by -- but when I blinked there was nothing and no one there. Just a strangely bent tree hanging toward the road that was oddly colored … like the color and height of a small dark skinned boy.

Okay, so I imagine you are thinking WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GIRL SMOKING? And honest to God sometimes I think my family and/or my husband puts stuff in my food or drink because I have never, nor will I ever use anything -- NOTHING -- let alone something that could cause me to see what I see.
So, I have to blame it on fatigue. I go to sleep somewhere between 10-midnight (usually the latter) and sleep (if you can really call it sleep between all the pee trips, the bottle refills and the night terrors * mine and the girls’ *) until roughly 6-7:30 in the morning. Total, I think I get roughly five (MAYBE six on a good day) hours total -deep- sleep.
Now, for someone who has the leisure of taking an hour nap during the day, or who doesn’t really expend much energy that may not be a big deal. But with a 2 year old and a 1 year old, running here and there and everywhere and ‘mama get me this’ and ‘mama I’m hungry’ and ‘mama, mama mama’ every ten seconds and getting up and going here and there and everywhere to change diapers, change clothes, get this or that and of course doesn’t even include household chores like laundry and dishes and cleaning up messes etc. On top of that I have my mom who (God bless her soul) is a neat-freak and neurotic about the strangest things and has me hopping. And as if that weren’t enough I then have my husband who likes to text non-stop (and I mean literally NON-STOP all day) and if there is a break he wonders where I have gone and why. Then on Tuesdays and sometimes Thursdays I get a whole hour to myself to go Zumba where I expend so much energy that I think I have some kind of energy deficit. Can you go into the negative of an energy equation and still be awake?
I guess that would explain my ‘dragons’. I just pray that one day I don't assume I'm imagining things and have it really be something . . . YIKES! 
Oh and speaking of dragons (but this time the fictional fire breathing kind) – I saw ‘How to Train Your Dragon’ for the first time last night and it was really really cute!
I want a toothless!!!
Okay, I’m tired. I have much to say on the weight loss front. HIGH STRESS! Like off the charts this past week. Not an excuse but, hey, I’m human. More to come on that . . .
XO Kristen

Saturday, October 16, 2010

UPDATED PROGRESS PICS JANUARY - OCTOBER

Some might say better late than never . . .


Not much in the mood for blogging or even being awake.

XO KRISTEN

PS - sorry for the crazy current face photo. It was taken with my iPhone and my photographer didn't say she was taking it. Hence the cheesy smile. I have no excuses for the bloodshot eyes with bags and smeared makeup underneath. Well, none except that I am the mother of 2 toddler. ((deep sigh))

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

BIRTHDAY OVER - MOVING ON, PHOTOS & MORE ALLAN

Today was my birthday and I was so surprised to see how many people wished me a 'happy birthday'. I was not expecting that at all. Seriously, I'm used to maybe -like- a couple e-mails and a couple facebook messages but today I got 13 comments on my previous post, 20 messages on facebook, 8 texts, 5 voicemails and several phone calls. WOW! I am seriously impressed! Thank you!!

I thought I would share my birthday transformation, only because I was told by a few people how different I looked today. FYI - I normally wear clippies to hold my bangs back and a large clip to hold the rest of my hair up. Today I used my sister's high profile professional straightener to burn straighten my hair. I truly don't think it will ever smell the same though. LOL

So the first picture is of me when I woke up this morning. Bad night's sleep. Even worse than normal. You see my waist and hip ratio difference is really quite severe and so when I lay on either side my spine curves into my hip. It's painful. For the same reason I cannot lay on my back - my spine will bow - nor can I lay on my stomach for any extended amount of time because then my spine inverts. It's not fun. Anyway, besides the normal pains of a night's sleep, I had 3 horrible nightmares, paired with 2 times waking up to pee on top of waking up when the girls would become restless. Needless to say I did not sleep well. Here I am with my residual makeup, and my hair completely whacked out. LOL




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The second picture is of me, post hair straightening and makeup adjusting. What a difference, right?




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Oh and look, I have a neck! Where did that come from?




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One  more NSV for the night: I tried on my wedding ring. The same ring that 1 month ago I had to squeeze over my second knuckle and then had to use soap to get off. Tonight it slid on like butter. It fits perfectly. I suppose that means when I start losing more weight I will need to get it sized. YAY!

Tomorrow starts my new calorie regimen. I am actually quite confident in my ability to adhere to my own stipulations and I am excited!
There was an occurrence this morning (of which I will not divulge because I don't want to call the person out) that sparked an idea for a blog post. Since most of my inspiration for blog posts seem to come from one source lately, what would this post be about other than Allan? LOL Now, I have already written a decent sized post so I have condensed the long version

You see, Allan keeps saying over and over again, reiterating and pounding it into our skulls that he did not invent his diet. That he is only acting on the sound advice of medical professionals and logic. While I agree to some extent I was also thinking that no matter what a medical professional or logic might tell us, the proof is in the pudding. A doctor could also potentially tell us that by drinking minuscule amounts of noxious substances we could forever be free of cancer. I'm sorry but I'm not willing to be the guinea pig for that. And in the instance of dieting I will call Allan my metaphorical guinea pig. He is the proof. Medical professionals can talk until they turn blue in the face but to see a man who has listened and has dropped nearly 130lbs in 150ish days. That speaks to me the way no medical professional could. So, while he may not have invented the idea behind the diet, he is the poster boy that advertises that the diet works. I don't know about you, but when something is inspirational I don't always give credit to the idea origination place. Instead, I give it to the inspiration itself. In this case the inspiration is Allan and he has inspired me to follow in his footsteps. 900-1200 calories a day, here I come. New, thinner, healthier, happier me, here I come. And even though a medical professional came up with it and Allan didn't invent it, dude, you sure do promote it well! So thanks!

Not much more to blog about. Tired. So tired!

XO Kristen

PS - Is it wrong that I am impressed and flattered that Drazil is following me now?

*Grin*

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

ZUMBA LOVE, SELF LOVE & BIRTHDAY ... LOVE?

At Zumba tonight I was told that I looked like I've lost inches.

"Look at you, you're looking really good!"

"Look how you're shirt is just hanging on you - and down to your knees." - Not really, she was exaggerating

"You can totally see it in your belly and your shoulders and your face."

"You have such a cute little chin!"

AND THEN

I Zumba'd my ass off. It felt so good. I LOVE ZUMBA. So much in fact that when I reach 199 I am thinking of taking the 1 day instructor course and then of course working my ass off to 150 so I can become a full time instructor. I want to teach basic Zumba classes (the most common ones) and Atomic Zumba, which is for kiddos.

That said, tomorrow is my birthday. Whoop-de-friggin-doo. LOL I am actually happy though because that means time spent with love ones. I will be 26. 26 on 10/13/10 = 26 --- Maybe only my sister will get this but the symmetry of those numbers is awesome. 13+13=26. I know. I'm a freak! No news to me.

I am going to attempt to be good tomorrow but regardless of what ACTUALLY happens, on Thursday I am starting a more -ALLAN-IZED diet. I have kept my calories around 1200-1500 but every once in a while they go up a couple hundred and I just don't like the trend sooooo - I am stopping that! Starting Thursday I will eat no more than 1200 calories a day with an aim at 900-1000. NO DIET BASHING PEOPLE. I KNOW ABOUT SLOWING MY METABOLISM. I KNOW ABOUT SETTING OFF STARVATION ALARMS. YADA YADA BLAH BLAH. I know it all and I'm still gonna do it. SO HELP ME GOD! Please help me God!

Doing Allan's math - if I weigh 270 right now that means I require 20790 calories a week to maintain my weight. In order to lose 2lbs a week at this weight I need to eat 7000 calories less than that (each pound is 3500 calories) which brings me to 13790. If I want to lose 3lbs a week I need to eat 10290 which comes to about 1470 calories a day. Now if I cut that even further and without any leeway (like I was giving myself) stay between 900-1200 calories a day I could potentially lose 4+ lbs a week. To start with at first. Obviously the weight loss will slow down as my weight goes down but I am really liking those numbers.

In  June of 2011 I am thinking of going to Mexico for a vacation. That gives me approximately 33 weeks to get at least close to goal (between 130-150) as I can. 2lbs a week for 33 weeks would bring me to 204lbs. 3lbs a week would bring me to 171 and if I start out losing 4lbs a week the possibilities are endless.

Aside from wanting to be a (hot) Zumba instructor I have a few other motivations going for me that are quite a bit less respectable. I'm tossing around whether I really want to divulge how self absorbed I really am. (You have NO idea)

On that note I am off to stretch my aching legs. Oh but they ache sooo good!

XO Kristen

PS - I deleted 12 blogs off my blogroll last night who hadn't updated in more than 3 weeks. That's my cutoff. If you don't post within 3 weeks I unfollow - no offense, just keeps my blogroll up to date and uncluttered. I did feel bad deleting SOOO many blogs though so if you're still out there and blogging and want to me on my blogroll but can't find yours, message me or comment on this post and I'll be sure to re-follow you. XO

PPS - I just saw that someone found my blog by googling 'Noodle Booty' . . . There are no words . . .

Sunday, October 10, 2010

IT AMAZES ME

I know my followers already know everything I'm about to say. Just bear with me.


Hi. My name is Kristen. I'm 25 (almost 26) years old. I'm Caucasian. Female. I have two daughters. Both toddlers. 14 months apart. (13.5 really but who's counting?) I am a good 120lbs overweight. That would be considered obese. Morbidly obese. I choose to lose weight. Period. And the method I choose is low calorie. Calories ranging from 900-1500 a day. I hate exercise. I LOVE Zumba.

Now if you had a problem with anything I just wrote above, well okay that's fine. There is nothing I can really do to change most of it. It's who I am. I can't change my name (I suppose I could, but I think it's a decent name). Can't change my age, my race, my gender or my status as a mom or the ages between my girls. The one thing I can change is my weight. Which I told you I am doing, and I am sure you could have guessed that considering this is a weight loss blog. My method of weight loss is my own decision. I was not placed on a diet. I was not instructed how to go about it. I chose calorie counting and with a bit of support and number help chose the range of calories I am able to eat. I can't help that I hate exercise and while in every right Zumba IS exercise, it doesn't FEEL like exercise so I don't really feel like a hypocrite when I claim to LOVE it.

Maybe after what you've read you've already drawn some conclusions about me. Maybe not. Now, I could stop here and whatever conclusions you may have drawn could be left as they are. You could think whatever you needed to think of me and probably the worst thing you could think is about my weight and what a fat, lazy blah blah blah I must be, or I must have been. But in general, people around the weight loss community are pretty excepting of us 'morbidly obese' folk and our efforts to lose the fat. So, in essence I could leave you with this and you would probably have a pretty rosy opinion or perception of me. Right?

Now, what happens when I come out with more information about myself. Not only do I have two small children but I am also raising them by myself. I have been separated from their daddy for nearly a year and we are currently trying to work out our relationship. I am a stay at home mom. I have no income other than what my estranged husband provides. My family helps me with my expenses as well.

Now, surely you have drawn further conclusions with this information. They might be negative full of disgust and repulsion at a woman who would stay married to a man and 'use' him for his money while trying to fix a marriage that may or may not work. Or perhaps your new perspective is full of pity or empathy. Regardless, your opinion of me will have changed marginally with this new information.

Then, let's say I divulge that I am an aspiring writer. I have written a full manuscript large than that of the popular book Twilight. It is sitting on a few different literary agents desks and I hope to have it published in the near future. Once again, your perception of me will alter.

And with each new piece of information you learn about me your perception will alter and your like or dislike of me will grow.

The thing is, that unless you know me personally and what I do and how I think affects you directly than why does it really matter? There are so many different kinds of people in this world. So many and that is what makes it beautiful. If we were all the same, all drones, all thought the same and felt the same and did the same life would be one boring crapfest, lemmetellya!

This is the internet people. The IN-TER-NET. 20 years ago it barely existed and the majority of people you converse with here through the blogosphere were just random people that existed that you had no idea about. So, I don't really understand how you can take a person - who you've never met, sitting behind a screen, typing out their thoughts - so personally.

It truly amazes me, some of the blogs and the comments I have been reading lately. Fighting and bashing and name calling and cliques and a bunch of other 'high school drama' stuff. Is that really necessary?!?! I'm all for a good debate. I LOVE DEBATES. I LIVE TO DEBATE AND TO HEAR DEBATES AND WATCH THEM but is it really necessary to play dirty? Is it really necessary to bash, and berate and name-call and then threaten?!?! I just think it's such a waste of energy. 

Something else that amazes me is that Allan (who seems to be such a catalyst for all the drama) has such an astounding affect on people. I mean DAMN! I understand he can be crass and callous and at times vulgar and he curses like a sailor but does he put food on your table? Does he put clothes on your back? A roof over your head? Does he send you monthly maintenance checks? Well, if he does, then my bad but in all honesty I don't think he takes care of anyone except for his lovely wife, three pooches and himself.  So, why then put so much weight in what he says? If you like it (like I do - MOST OF THE TIME, NOT ALL THE TIME) than read on and enjoy. I love his humor, his realism and his stories. If you don't like it, than why are you wasting your time? In my opinion its either a completely self absorbed and/or masochistic person who submits themselves to do something they don't want to do (i.e. read a blog that disgusts, hurts, belittles or insults them)

On another note, it is very disheartening in a community of weight loss bloggers where the atmosphere is a stagnant bitter stench of spite and written insults cast here and there and everywhere. I mean there was a blog I read who wrote an answer to Allan and she was chastised and told that her followers would unfollow her because of what she had written. JEEZ!!!! Seriously? I mean, cuz I don't know about you but I don't blog for my followers. I LOVE MY FOLLOWERS. I think it's awesome that people want to read what I have to say but I blog for ME. So WTF is up with the threats to unfollow?!?! She's probably better off without anyone who threatens that anyway.

AND ON THAT NOTE: If you were to meet a new person at work/school/or some other place and you were walking along talking and they said something that you didn't agree with would you turn around and walk away, without saying a word? What would that say about your character? Well, to me that is the equivalent of 'unfollowing someone' because they said something that bothered you. It's just so ridiculous.

This community is supposed to be a fountain of information and a form of accountability and support. I don't believe it should always be rose colored and I don't think that there should be NO DISAGREEMENT. Whenever there is more than one person there will always be differing opinions, points of view, stands, etc. BUT BUT BUT BUT - In a world where there is enough harassment, enough belittling and judgmental expression I would think most weight loss bloggers would want to come here to get away from that (and for your information - while Allan has a no bullshit tolerance level and he can come off extremely blunt I don't believe he has any mal intent toward anyone - well until they express mal intent toward him)

I will say if you are pro-allan, anti-allan or don't even know who Allan is - if you choose to follow people and then decide they aren't your cup of tea than there is always that very convenient UNFOLLOW button on your dashboard. If someone comments on your blog and you don't like what they have to say, there is the convenient DELETE button. But remember, this is a public forum and you or I or Allan or anyone who wants to can write whatever they want. You can like it, use it, or stop reading and do something else. Just my opinion of course.

Lastly, if you are interested in reading some short stories and/or deleted excerpts from my books go to the tab at the top of my blog labeled SHORT STORIES and click on the story of your choice and then follow me over there (if you want)

More weight loss and husband news coming soon.

XO Kristen
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