Bowing her head and keeping her gaze on her striped pajama pants, she slowly allowed one leg at a time to move off the side of the bed. She braced herself on her palms against her bed, locking her elbows. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut willing the person to leave. It was pointless to do so, but she couldn’t help the need for this person to be gone. She sucked in a deep breath and opened her eyes.
“Hello Krissy,” the familiar voice leered and the even more familiar brown eyes gazed back at her.
Tears welled in her eyes and her voice box refused to produce a sound.
“I see you haven’t missed me. I really have missed you though.”
Anger bubbled up inside her but when she opened her mouth to object she was interrupted.
“Shhh. You don’t want me here now. But don’t worry. I’m here to protect you. I’m here to show you that you don’t need anyone. Well, anyone except me.” A lethal smile pulled up the corners of the full lips. “Soon enough you’ll realize how much time you wasted without me.”
“I didn’t waste any time.” Krissy whispered with her eyes now averted. Even she questioned the certainty of her words. The dominance and the manipulation were daunting, and difficult to withstand. Memories of this person overwhelmed her mind. The comfort, the relief and the freedom that this person allowed in her life. Only on the fringe of her memories did she recollect the pain, the toxicity, the overwhelming obsession. Specific memories danced through her mind and as she continued to remember the good, the bad memories faded further and further as the temptation of relief bombarded her thoughts.
The guffaw that followed her statement had her raising her gaze once again and narrowing her eyebrows.
“You need me like you need air. Look what has become of you while I’ve been gone. You are an emotional wreck. You don’t know forward from backward. You’re so confused. I can straighten everything out.”
“No,” Her voice broke as she shook her head. “No, you can’t.” Again, the words were practiced and she wasn’t sure she meant them.
Another patronizing laugh.
“So little faith. Come on; let’s go get something to eat and we can talk it out. That way I can see how much work I really have.”
“No!” Tears were now spilling down Krissy’s cheeks.
She felt her resolve wavering. Life had recently become so overwhelming. Finances, family, children, work, trust, honesty. It was all becoming so much and she knew this person could fix it. Numb it.
“Come on Krissy. I know you’re hungry. Everyone has to eat. Let’s grab a bite and talk it over.” The voice was alluring and she stood to walk toward it, to accept it. To accept the offer and the life she knew that would lie ahead of her.
Now her heart started thudding. Nerves sent her adrenaline pumping. Her breath accelerated and she involuntarily ran her tongue over her parched lips.
“That’s it. Come on. I have everything you need. I have everything you want. You don’t need anything else and soon you won’t want anything else either.”
Tears dripped off Krissy’s chin as she approached her destiny. She reached out and the hands that reached out to her were hard and cold. She felt the immediate urge to pull away. She searched the face of the person looking back at her. The eyes that looked back into hers were wide and blood shot. The lips that spoke to her were parted, expectant.
The squeal of the bedroom door opening tore her from her purpose and Krissy saw her little girl standing at the threshold watching her curiously in her footy pajamas.
She swallowed against the dryness in her throat and closed her eyes with the effort.
“What is it Punkin?” she asked.
“Why are you talking to yourself?”
Krissy’s eyes darted from her small daughter to the bloodshot brown eyes staring back at her from her reflection. A hurricane of emotion flashed through those eyes. Hate, disappointment, relief and peace.
“Mama was making a decision.” She said to her daughter. Her reflection’s wide eyes glared back at her.
“Did you make it Mama?”
“Yes, Punkin. Yes I did and you just helped me.” Her reflections eyes narrowed at her.
“Good Mama, can you make me breakfast now?”
And as Krissy turned to follow her child out of the bedroom she mouthed to her reflection.
“I don’t need you.”
This is the metaphorical struggle I deal with daily. The reflection in the mirror telling me I need to stay fat. I need to be protected. I need to cook not only to feed myself and my size but to be a good mom, a good wife. On the opposite spectrum I need to eat to keep myself unattractive. I need to feel unattractive so that my husband will not hound me. Unattractive so that no other man will find me attractive. I need that fat girl in my reflection to justify my actions. Every morning I wake up to the aching burden of my weight and every day I look into the mirror. So many days that instigator, the one who tells me I am worth nothing, I deserve nothing and I need to stay fat is staring back at me. Rare is the day that my true reflection looks back at me. But every time I fall, I get back up. Sometimes with the help of my real daughters and the idea of their lives with or without me and sometimes with the metaphor of my daughters; something always snaps me back into my right place on the journey to a healthier happier me.
As I said in my previous post I woke up feeling as though a steam roller had hit me and then backed up over me and repeated the damage. I hurt from my hair follicles to the very tips of my fingers and toes. The only thing that somewhat relieved my leg pain was Advil. After breakfast I tried throat lozenges for my sore throat. I tried tea. I tried coffee. I tried soup. Hot foods, cold foods, iced things. I found the only thing that helped was milk. I drank loads of milk today. It seemed to coat my throat. I don’t know why. That said today was NOT a good day for eating. What with all my attempts to relieve a bit of pain, I tried everything and God knows how many calories went into the concoctions I tried. I literally thought for a little while that I was going to pass out on my girls my discomfort was so intense. Thank God I only get sick MAYBE 1x a year.
That said, I am tempted to take myself out of Allan’s challenge. What do you all think? I am not using sick as an excuse to eat crap. I am using being sick as an excuse to take whatever helps my pain. If drinking cups upon cups of milk is going to allow me to be able to talk to my girls without feeling like someone is slicing my throat from the inside out than well, so be it. I have no desire to eat candy, so Halloween shouldn’t be a problem. I don’t know. My thoughts are all over the place. You tell me. Stay in the challenge or bow out?
Any good ideas for relieving muscle aches?
Oh and I received a comment a day or so ago about caffeine dehydrating you and that for every cup of caffeine you need to drink X amount of water to compensate. I decided to investigate this and it seems it would take an enormous amount of caffeine to dehydrate someone and that caffeine in moderation (for example in tea, coffee, soda etc) should be counted as water intake as it is the number one ingredient. This does not include energy drinks such as Red Bull, Jolt, Monster and the like. If anyone wants references to where I found my information I would be happy to post it.
I’m off to go take some more Advil for my legs. (I can barely sit down or stand up without grimacing) and then I’m going to go to bed. I’m exhausted. ESPECIALLY since my girls woke me up at 5AM and kept me up at intervals until 7AM when we all got up for good.