Friday, December 31, 2010

IN ALLANS WORDS...

My New Years's resolution is to stop the BULLSHIT!

My body has already started without me what with all the purging and not much consumption.

I'm still a bit queasy today but in a way that's ok. I figure anything that disuades me from eating is good. When the queasiness goes away pure self control will have to take over 100%. No IFs, ANDs or BUTs.

The plan for today includes shopping, playing with my girls, relaxing and later tonight maybe playing some cards with my family as we bring in the New Year.

I hope you all have a fantastic New Year regardless of how you bring it in and may 2011 bring you fantastic things!

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, December 30, 2010

INTUITIVE PREPARATION AKA FOOD POISONING OR 24HR BUG?

I think my body knows the shock it is about to go through as 1/1/11 (I love that number) rolls around. It is onto my plan of approximately 1200 calories 24/7 (900 min and 1500 max) for the amount of time it takes me to reach my goals.

Starting on Sunday I woke up with violently painful stomach spasms that turned into 4 even more violent vomit fests in the bathroom. It felt as though someone was stabbing me through the stomach straight through my spine. No fun!! The pain and the vomit only lasted until 2pm (approx. 5 hours but felt like an eternity) but things were better. 100% better.

Monday was fine. Everything was normal.

Tuesday rolls around and everything is fine until after Papa's famous meatloaf for dinner. I should have known something was coming for me as I walked into the house and the meatloaf smelled like Chili. I ate it. A little (okay ALOT) too moist for my taste but the actual flavor was good so I ate it. Come 8pm (2 hours later) I am in the bathroom again with horrible stomach pain, and now vomit AND diarrhea! (Sorry for the TMI)

The entire night was spent in a fit of trembling chills, sweating, rushing to the bathroom, only to climb back into bed and fall asleep sitting up and rocking beneath 2 heavy comforters. I was still cold. Then do it all over again. To make matters worse Breezy and Buzzy both had it too. And to make worse matters even worserer (yeah I know that's not a word) Buzzy came down with a croupy cough. (A cough so dry it sounds like a barking seal and causes the person's throat to close the more violent the cough, cutting off air - Scary stuff) So my mom put on her 'Big Girl Panties' and helped me through the whole night and never went to sleep . . . only to have an opening shift at work that next morning (she had to wake up get ready at 5:30am) What an awesome mom I have!!

Yesterday was spent nursing 7-Up, oyster crackers and trying to keep my eyes open long enough to make sure my little ones (who had a bit more energy than me) didn't get into mischief. My grandma left work (to the dismay of her office manager) and came to the house around 10:30am bearing diapers (because Breezy had blown so many out we had run completely out of them) more 7-Up, the Oyster crackers, and Jello. She then helped me with Breezy who decided to vomit 6 more times (twice directly on my grandma who in turn had to not only take off her work clothes and borrow some of mine but then later had to go home and shower before she could go back to work) Breezy also ended up with 3 baths lovingly given by my grandma. I swear my mom and my grandma are saints!!

So, when my grandma left about 4 hours later Buzzy and Breezy and I took a fantastic 5 hour nap together and the girls woke up feeling great. I woke up with more pain, more chills and more nausea.

I was told by my mom and sister who had since come home from their respective places of work that I was burning up and was instructed to take something, which I did. Bed was heaven last night as while the nausea and diarrhea had not let up, the debilitating pain had. This morning we all woke up better except for Buzzy who still had a bit of a congested cough. (But thank God for no more croup) And thus far no pain, no vomiting and no diarrhea. Must have been a 24-48 hour thing?

Regardless my appetite as gone into hibernation. Nothing sounds good. Nothing looks good. My mental and emotional hunger is still there but when I go to the pantry, freezer or fridge to find something to 'fill the void' I can't stand the sight of anything. I swear I have made 20 trips to each place ridden with food and turned, closing the door with nothing in hand cuz I just can't stomach the thought.

On that note my pillow calls for I am late for our date.

Tomorrow night brings in the New Year and, Oh 2011, how I will enjoy conquering everything I didn't in 2010 during your 365 day span.

XO Kristen

NEW YEAR ANTICIPATION + SANTA RETURNS?

I don't know what it is about the new year that brings me so much excitement. I know it's not really a 'new beginning' or a 'clean slate'. In reality it is just another day where the sun rises and sets and time moves forward. I know I am just fooling myself with the perception of the newness and freshness, but 1/1/11 feels like something new and fresh. It feels like a new beginning and a clean slate. I am excited to 'start again' regardless of where the starting begins (weight wise). I am excited about the excitement and the renewed motivation. Like I said, I know it's all in my head. I get that. But I'm still excited. 2 more days!!

Santa made a 2nd visit to my laundry room this morning. Randomly, sitting upon the washing machine were these beauties. Honestly, I don't know if they're for me or who they are actually from, but I was excited to see them none-the-less. I hope they're for me...?


On that note, I must make lunch for my lil chiquis.

XO Kristen

Sunday, December 26, 2010

FLASHBACK & CHANGES

One year ago, yesterday, I wrote this:

Christmas was rough this year.
Not a lot of money.
Not a lot of health.
Not a lot of much.
But we were with family and THAT is all that matters.
Christmas isn't about a ton of gifts under the tree.
It is about being with the ones you love and loving them.
Christmas was rough but it was good. Great even.
Because I was with my family.
The most important thing anyone can have.

On another note:
Tomorrow it starts
((dramatic music here))
Tomorrow I will embark on a mission that I have embarked on before and failed miserably.
I will not fail this time
With God as my witness, health as my motivation, and you all - my audience - holding me accountable, I here by swear to do everything in my power to lose a minimum of 2lbs per week until I am beneath 200lbs. I will be posting 1 photo a week and weighing daily, so don't be surprised if an entry only holds a number. 

I am excited, and nervous. I want to cry and laugh and pray that this time I will find it within myself to succeed because I and I alone hold the power to do so. 

I have been finding inspiration in watching On Demand reruns of The Biggest Loser. I want to be a BIG LOSER. Oh how badly I want to be a BIG LOSER. 

So here is to tomorrow and the next day and the next week, month, year. Pray for me. Pray that I can stay the course and shed the pounds. Not only for vanity, but for my health so that I will be alive to see my daughters grow into adults. How pathetic would it be to miss that because of poor eating habits? Pathetic and desperately saddening to my heart.

So it all comes down to this.
Tomorrow. 
Are you with me?
Will you follow me?
Will you encourage me?
I hope so.
But regardless, I'm on a mission



The next day (a year ago, today) I posted my 'beginning weight'. I was so embarrassed by the number I couldn't even put the 3 at the beginning. I was appalled at myself:


*20.8

As I explained in another post, I have decided not to disclose the first number until I feel a bit more comfortable with my weight. But the above are the last 2-3 digits of my weight. Next week on January 2nd, that number needs to be at LEAST 18.8 . . . but preferably more. I will be weighing daily, though to track my progress. Until next time.



On January 1st I posted this photo being a symbol of my 'true beginning weight' as I had not actually started on the 26th as I had said.


On January 12th I created this blog (branched off my former blog The Buzz N Less and at that time it was called The Fat Chick Weigh - hence the URL) This was my post for that day:

WELCOME
Whether you are visiting from my other blog, The Buzz N Less or have happened upon this blog for some other reason, let me say again, WELCOME!

I've already been doing my weigh ins since the first of January and for some reason, just now did I decide to branch off my original blog to make a weight loss specific one. I don't know how it'll work out as I am pretty partial to my personal domain of buzzy N Lessy - dumb . . . In any case I have lost 12lbs thus far and am only 11 days into the game. I would say I'm not doing too shabby for a fat chick!

More later.



The Header of my Former Blog 'The BuzzNLess'
A Tribute to the Blog that Started it All
and has been Neatly Condensed into This One


I need to get back to all this. The motivation. The excitement and most importantly the weight loss. 


I won't lie. I've mulled it over again and again and again in my head and in some ways it is just easier to be fat. There's no excuse hiding in that comment. *Sometimes* it is easier to be fat. It's easier not to count. Not to worry. Not to obsess and not to care.






But it's time to care again. 2011 needs to bring me the things that I didn't allow 2010 to bring. I need to count. I need to worry and I need to care. January 1st 2011 will bring many new things to this blog and to my life.

  • Posts will be titled with the day of my journey. The journey that began 1/1/2010. So 1/1/2011 will start with DAY 366 - STARTING NEW. 
  • Daily calories will not exceed 1500. Just like in the beginning but I will also try to average closer to 1200.
  • Water intake will be around 124oz a day or 1 gallon and no it will not be pure water. It will most likely be Crystal Light.
  • Weigh ins will be on Friday as usual
  • Measurements and progress photos will be taken on the 1st of every month regardless of the number on the scale.
  • Exercise will include attending 'real' zumba classes, at home zumba DVDs, zumba for wii and Just Dance 2 for wii. When winter peeters out spring and summer walks outside will be abundant plus my jumping jacks, modified push ups and squats.
This is my plan. I want to succeed.


PS: Keep me in mind if you pray. My breasts have been hurting, the right in particular and I will be going to the doctor soon to have it checked. It may be something as simple as a hormone imbalance. Please pray that that is all it is. Thank you.



XO Kristen

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

PHOTOS OF CHRISTMAS PAST

2007 - I WAS 12 WEEKS PREGNANT WITH BUZZY

My cousin 'blondie' and me


Miss Reindeer - I was so happy

My gift from the husband. A multicolored gold cross necklace

I was feeling sick on Christmas Eve. From pregnancy or overeating or both I am not sure

Why the heck are you taking photos of me in this condition, I'm thinking

I guess I was able to crack a small smile
BTW the man in the photo is my grandpa who is more like my father and the only man I have ever truly trusted

More fooding

2008 - I WAS 8 WEEKS PREGNANT WITH BREEZY

Buzzy's first snow

She hated that hat

But loved her penguin and snowman buddies

Snowball love

Neenee and Buzzy


Mama and Buzzy reading a Fristmas book

All the new toys and she still just wants to read the book

It's riveting, she says. Can't you see it in my eyes?

The bright flashing lights!!

I got me some cups and I'm feelin good

Mom keeps making me rip open these dumb paper packages. 

It'd be so much easier if they just didn't wrap them


I mean look at this zoo train! It is so much cooler unwrapped

I's the princess and I gotst me lotso stuff

Including mama's phone

2009 - BUZZY'S 2ND CHRISTMAS AND BREEZY'S FIRST

Buzzy and Neenee

UncUnc, Blondie and Buzzy

They're still wrapping these dang things - they just don't listen

Then they seal it in  plastic too? This is just ridiculous

I gotst more loot this year

This is a ball. A wrapped ball. *sigh*

They didn't wrap this and it is so much funner this way

Breezy, Buzzy, Chief, & Nana

My Angel baby

... And she's off!!!

---------------SOON TO COME CHRISTMAS 2010---------------

---------------SNEAK PEAK---------------


XO Kristen

Monday, December 20, 2010

MERRY HAPPY HOLIDAYS CHRISTMAS



XO Kristen

PEACE? REALLY?

The overwhelming consensus in comments and e-mails is that when I finally 'leave' my husband (which I am assuming that anyone who has read my blog for any amount of time knows that I've already left him, as in we don't live together and have not for over a year, and the only thing left to do is divorce him) I will have peace.

But I have so many questions, preferably for people who have gone through it.

  • How can there be peace when the mere idea of him having my girls alone for any length of time makes me want to vomit?
    a: because he doesn't watch them. They are 1.5 and 2.5 years old respectively and he lets them run around in public places (ie: restaurants, parking lots, large stores) by themselves and without reigning them in and telling them to stay close, let alone holding their hands like he should be in the first place.

    b: because I am scared to death he will flee the country with them. He came here illegally before and has and is a part of a bunch of things regarding illegal immigration, including currently harboring his 3 illegal nephews. How could I not put it past him to take them away from me. Aside from that I am also fearful that one of these days ICE is going to get a hold of him for all his illegal dealings and if my girls are in his custody when they get him who knows what would happen to them?!

    c: He can't recite his own address, phone number, or any personal information if there was an emergency and he needed to call 911 which I don't think he would remember to do anyway.

    d: He has never changed a diaper since my girls have been alive and when I asked him 1x to take Buzzy potty (she's fully day time potty trained) he needed me to show him how to pull her pants down for her and pull them back up.

    e: I am scared for the emotional development of my girls with him as their father. He is manipulative and likes to give guilt trips, even to my girls. Just the other day he told Buzzy she was only 2.5 years old and didn't know what she wanted when he asked her if she wanted to come to his apartment and she said no. He then unceremoniously told her she was coming anyway.
The other big deal about divorcing him is that while I have a little bit of money on hand to pay for my attorney she charges a retainer fee of $3000 and guesstimates that an average case will cost double the retainer fee. I don't have $6000+ to just throw around. My credit is in the garbage thanks to my husband so I can't even take out a small personal lone and my family is already helping me in so many ways, how could I think to ask to borrow? Especially when I'm not working and borrowing will be more like asking for a $6000 handout. 

I know what needs to be done.
I'm scared. Not of being lonely. I can deal with being alone. Not for lack of anything. I have a wonderful and supportive family.

I am scared for my girls. 

I wish someone could give me peace of mind that he would be allowed to see them whenever he wanted but only with supervised visits in public places. I wish someone could tell me that everything will be okay and that my girls will be safe. 

I wish so many things but in reality no one can do anything to settle my worries.

Again, prayer is appreciated.


XO Kristen

Sunday, December 19, 2010

A LEOPARD DOESN'T CHANGE HIS SPOTS . . .

This is something I need to constantly remind myself.

A.LEOPARD.WILL.NOT.CHANGE.HIS.SPOTS

Naming some words that might describe me many that come to mind when dealing with my husband are:
  • Gullible
  • Easily forgiving
  • Needy
  • Insecure
  • Jealous
  • Expecting too much
  • Expecting the impossible

A.LEOPARD.DOES.NOT.CHANGE.HIS.SPOTS

So, I don't know why I expected my husband to be any different. Sure, he actually kept the facade going for nearly 4 months. Sure, he made promises. He always makes promises. Sure he was treating the girls and me great. He always does in short spurts.

But Thursday something flipped a switch in him. I've spent so long telling myself it is my fault even though I know that it's not that my perception of reality and my own opinion are hazy and overlapped. 

We were happy. Driving to a mall near his home. He asked me what was wrong. Apparently I had been quiet. I said nothing and that I was thinking about the remainder of the Christmas shopping we needed to get done for the girls. This very utterance is what I think flipped his switch. His entire demeanor changed as he told me to wipe the expression off my face. Then he asked me if I thought he was made of money and why did I always have to have things right then and there. I told him (as my heart began to beat frantically and panic overwhelmed me) that I didn't want to go shopping. That I was JUST THINKING about the things we still needed to get. 

He pushed forward. I was called selfish, greedy, thankless and a user. The berating continued after we got out of the car. I took Breezy out of his arms and turned back to the car. He yelled in the parking garage that if I got back in the car with the girls that things would be over and I would be sorry.

I should have left.

I didn't.

I turned back around and faced him again. Faced more berating words and when I attempted to speak or defend myself I was accused of screaming at him and told to shut up. I was told loudly to shut up many times. I was told that I was crazy and that I didn't know how to control myself. I was told I like to make a spectacle in public. But he was the one yelling. I just wanted him to be quiet. But then Buzzy wanted him to hold her and he started whispering things in her ear. Things I could hear.

Mommy isn't a good example.
Mommy is crazy.
Mommy ... mommy... mommy

He shouldn't be saying those things . . . at all . . . let alone to our 2.5 year old daughter.

I think I am a good example.
I'm not crazy.
Nor any of the other crap he was spewing.

Then he told me I wasn't worth anything. That the three girls he works with were worth more than me and that he was going to start calling them and talking to them about personal stuff again and that he was going to apologize to them for stopping in the first place.

I shut off. I detached myself because if I didn't I was going to have an emotional breakdown.

After a while of walking around the outdoor mall we went to leave and he left us. He had come in the same car but he said goodbye and walked away. He held no regard for how that would make the girls feel. He had come with us. Why wouldn't he leave with us and Buzzy is smart enough that she asked me just that. I told her daddy had to go to work. I didn't know what else to say.

Edited for clarity: He did not leave in our car, and leave us without transportation. He walked away from us, once we were in our car and ready to drive away.

For those who have or haven't noticed. I haven't posted since the 13th. I weighed in on Friday. 277. +2lbs from the overdose of salty foods from the day before. Calories were within range but the sodium intake was high while the water intake very low. From Friday things went South. I've literally been to emotional hell and back. 

He didn't text me on Friday. Fine.
Didn't text me Saturday. Fine.

Today he texts me. 
**His texts are translated from Spanish. My texts are as is.

Him:     Good Morning. How did my loves wake up?

Me:     Good. You? Sorry we were playing and my phone has been charging.

Him:     You know, I have been thinking in how you are and the truth is I'm still sad because I thought you had changed but you are still the same. I don't know if our relationship is going anywhere if when you are bothered you start to yell like when we lived together and you don't control yourself. You only care what you think and what you feel. I remember when it was thanksgiving I told you that I was sad because you weren't with me and you didn't even visit me and you didn't care that day either. You just told me that you understood me and that you were sorry. You didn't make me feel better. Then you told me you had to leave and thats how you left me with my sadness. You didn't send me any messages to see how I was or to let me talk to my daughters until like 9:00 at night when you told me that my daughters had gone to sleep and that they had had a lot of fun. You asked me how my day had gone and when you're bothered by something I always try to make you feel good. What are we going to do? 


Him:     So what do you think you're going to do?

Me:     In what aspect?

Him:     Our relationship.

ok. The only thing you or I can expect from the other is respect and I admit I wasn't being respectful with what I said that day. The reason I got angry was because you kept pushing me when nothing was wrong and then yelled at me in the street three times to shut up. I would have even understood if you stopped talking too but you didn't. You kept insulting me and telling me things just to provoke me. So you tell me what you think needs to be change or what needs to be done.

Edited to clarify: I had thought everything was fine because Thursday evening I texted him to see if he was over himself. He was working though and even though our conversation was very short it ended with I love you's and smiley faces. 

Him:     If you thought I yelled at you to shut you up imagine how loud you must have been screaming because I only wanted you to stop yelling but you didn't care. You kept yelling and if you say that I continued saying things and asking questions it was because of the expression on your face and because you said you wanted to finish shopping and that you thought we were going to do that. I just wanted you to be happy and in respect to thanksgiving you don't have anything to say because its the truth and now I'm not going to ask you to change anymore. No, instead I'm going to act just like you.

Me:     I NEVER said I wanted to go shopping or that I thought we were going to go finish that day. I said I was thinking about the presents that we still needed to get. You just don't listen. You like to hear what you want to hear. And you didn't want me to be happy. That's not true because I WAS happy. You ruined it. As for Thanksgiving I have nothing to say because we supposedly already talked about it and yet here you are bringing it up again. And finally, you never stop threatening. First about the girls and now that you are going to 'act like me'. In the same way that I need to do what you want you need and have always needed to stop threatening me. You are always threatening me.

Him:     I'm not threatening you. I'm always wrong and you're always right. Maybe I will see how many times you have been bothered because if you say I ruined your happiness that day and that you were happy then I'm also a gossip and I don't know how you want to continue with a relationship with a gossipy, person that threatens you and that doesn't give you what you want. Regardless, you were supposed to tell me when you took money out of the account and you don't so forgive me but yes, I am going to act just like you.

Me:     That threat is old. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go feed my daughters lunch.

Him:     I won't bother you again. I just need to know what you used the money for. Go feed my daughters.

Me:     Diapers. What else? And food for the last couple days.

__________________________        2 hours later       _______________________________

Him:     Forgive me. I woke up with a headache that I couldn't handle and it won't go away. I miss you a lot. I'm going to work. I love you.

Me:     I forgive you but I'm really irritated. I understand you had or have a headache but this roller coaster you put me on every time you get a headache is not ok. Your threats and your accusations are those of an insecure boy. I need you to grow up and be a man. Stop threatening me just because you don't know how else to solve a problem. You do the same thing with the girls, offering them money or new toys when they are crying. In order to have a good relationship with me and with them you have to give more of yourself than just material objects. I need someone I can trust with anything. Someone I can trust with my thoughts, my body, my life. The girls need a father. Not a friend and not a 24/7 Santa Claus. They need stability and security. I need you to think about those things and tell me if you are prepared to provide them. Have a good night at work. I love you too. We have a lot to work on.

Him:    You know what? Forget it. I am going to be who I am and you aren't going to forbid me from giving what I want to my daughters. Go look for someone that is mature and not a boy like me.

Me:    Wow. I'm sorry you feel that way.

Again,

A.LEOPARD.DOESN'T.CHANGE.HIS.SPOTS

Has it sunk in yet?

Now, I just need to pull myself out of this depression I have sunk into. Not easy. 

I am sure later tonight I will get a text that says something to the effect of, "I want to see my daughters tomorrow" and for the first time I am going to put my foot down. No more emotional abuse. No more verbal abuse. I am not going to subject myself or most importantly my daughters to that.

Edited to say: I realize I too have not 'changed my spots' so to speak either. I am who I am, but I can change how I react to him. I am changing that. I took off my ring. I don't trust him. I need to stop convincing myself that someday I will be able to. He will never stop threatening me. I will never feel stable at his side. My girls are the most important part of my life and their well being comes first. A frantic, panicked, sad, depressed and scared mommy is not providing the best I can. So, setting the trash out to the curb. I will not be seeing him tomorrow. 


Any ideas where I can meet him, other than his apartment for Christmas day so he can see the girls? 

**sigh**

I need prayer.

Goodnight

XO Kristen

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

RAIN, TORNADOS & THE HACK

Short and sweet tonight.
Zumba was canceled because of slanted ice/rain and tornado watch + my babysitter (my gramma) has the hack (a cough I'm guessing) The hack is what my grandpa called it.

1212 calories consumed.
Egg white + cheese + sandwich thin + coffee + peppermint mocha creamer for 287

Lean Cuisine cafe steamer maragarita chicken for 300 cals.

1 serving lasagna + big romaine salad + honey mustard dressing + lime juice for 625 cals.

No zumba.
*insert super sad teary face here*

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, December 12, 2010

FOODAGE

This is what I'm faced with these days.


Thankfully the cookies, chocolate swirled peanutbutter fudge, and other misc treats were eaten quickly.

I have no interest in the hot cocoa mix although it's presentations is really cute!


Unfortunately each time something disappears new horrific things replace it!

This is the candy corner. It's evil and I stay as far away as humanly possible at all times!


No matter what I do crap seeps into our fridge, freezer & pantry.






Thank god I'm well stocked on box meals (a few leftover crappy ones and several new healthier ones) plus mucha fruta y vegetables.





Oh and a gallon almost gone today. Oh yeah!



Banana mas peanut butter for snack. Mmm mmm mmm!

Until laterz

XO Kristen

Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

HELLO! MY NAME IS KRISTEN & I AM SELF DESTRUCTIVE

Aside from the obvious and being obese I have come to see, admit and accept that I am self destructive in other areas of my life not involving food. This post has been a long time coming. I am trying to come to terms with my actions.

Oh don't worry. I don't cut or do drugs or drink or any of those things. No. My self destruction is more subtle. Easier to hide but just as mentally detrimental.

When I was very little I pulled out my hair. In large clumps. So much so that I had a little bald spot going on in the top right side of my head. As I grew older, so as to remedy the bald spot I pulled singular hairs from my head. The truth is that I don't know what triggers that behavior. Sometimes I don't do it for weeks, even months and the next thing I know I'm doing it every other minute.

Pulling my hair out is not my only other self destructive behavior besides eating. I also pull at the skin on my lips, especially if they're chapped or dry. And sometimes I pick at them to the point that I make them bleed. Like today. I pick and pick until it bleeds and hurts.

One more self destructive behavior I have is scab picking. It's horrible and probably viewed as gross but I do. I know other people are 'scab pickers' also but I am an OCD scab picker. I will pick and reopen the cut (sometimes even making it larger than it originally was) just to let the same scab reform and pick it again until there is no scab to pick and in its place is a dark purple scar. The problem is I don't scar easy.

I don't know what to do about these behaviors. I don't know their triggers. It seems nervousness might be the biggest trigger for the hair pulling but the rest, I do it randomly. I've even asked myself why I'm doing it and he answer is I don't know. But I also can't stop. A piece of skin on my lip or an unpicked scab will drive me insane.

I'm not proud of these things. They're actually quite embarrassing.

Does anyone else who has issues with food have other self destructive behaviors?

Sigh

Edited to add:

It is 1:00pm. I had my 'new fave breakfast' + a handful of strawberries (maybe 6 medium) and lunch was a Lean Cuisine Steamer (Sweet & Spicy Ginger chicken with yummy veggies like broccoli, carrots, & water chestnuts) Total cals so far today? 599 and totally satisfied. Around 3 I may have a banana with 1tbsp peanut butter for a snack and 195 more cals. Dinner will be another Lean cuisine that is less than 300 cals. So, I will be well under my goals for today. Water is chuggin along. Quite literally but (thankfully) the peeing has slowed.

XO Kristen


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

RANDOM AT 12:15AM

I was woken by my pajama pants and my underwear. As I turned from my left side to my stomache in bed something horrible happened. I moved -- and my clothes didn't. I don't think I have ever been so tangled in my own underwear. It was so bad, that the left leg opening was situated over my stomach and the right leg opening was acting as a thong when I stood up from bed to readjust. And yes, I had to stand up because they were so twisted around my body it wasn't going to happen lying down.

I think it's time for new undies and Jammie bottoms.

Oh Saaanntaaaaa!!

XO Kristen


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, December 11, 2010

IRRITATED

So as you all know I have had quite a time of it these last several months. I'm back on the wagon. Numbers heading south. Calories staying low. Fluid intake staying high. Life's good in my corner, but then I go and read some other blogs and I just get irritated. When I go off plan. I know I'm off plan. Off plan as not consciously eating healthy. I don't pretend to think that a piece of pizza is good for me or fits into my plan. I don't pretend those cookies will only take up a certain % of my daily calories and therefore fit also. Of course, I am not as hardcore as Allan. I do understand these things technically 'fit' in an allotted amount of calories and I can see an occasional slice of pizza (not 3 or 4) or an occasional cookie or what have you.

What really bothers me, I guess is when people are so hell bent on their 'journey' that they have blinders on. Regardless of whether they are subconsciously sabotaging themselves every other day. Regardless of the shit they're eating. It's their way or the highway. When people are succeeding and progressing in their journey I can see having this stance. But when weight is fluctuating at best and at times jumping week after week only to go down a few pounds and jump up again it's like hey! Maybe what you are doing isn't working. I can't stand when people say (without even bothering to research for themselves) that a certain amount of calories per day isn't acceptable for their body. (ie: meaning that X calories is waay too little) Hello! You're fat! Anything less than what you are eating is good but seriously? You think that dropping to 1200-1500 calories a day is going to put your body into starvation mode? Really??

I recently read a blog where the blogger was convinced that s/he at 250lbs wanting to get to 135 should not drop below 2000 calories a day. Really?!?!?! I mean this is where I insert a double blink to make sure I'm reading right. 2000 calories to get to 135lbs? Does s/he even realize how effed that rationalization is?

Also, when did it become fact that 1400-1600 cals was what WLS patients are told to force on themselves, even when they're not hungry?? I read this on a blog and had another double blink moment. As far as I know WLS patients eat upwards of 1000 calories a day with great emphasis in lean proteins, fruits and veggies. There is no way (especially in the beginning that they would be able to choke down 1200 calories let alone 1600. They'd vomit it all back up!)

These are excerpts from WLS sites.

FOR BARIATRIC SURGERY (LAPBAND & GASTRIC BYPASS)


Most bariatric diets allow 1000 to 1200 calories per day with meals focused on lean sources of protein, whole grains, fruits, and vegetables.


The ASMBS guidelines (which is where many surgeons GET their recommendations for you) state:

  • 1,000 to 1,400 calories depending on the individual and activity level.
  • 60 to 100 grams of protein depending on the individual and activity level.
  • 27 to 47 grams of fat based on 20 to 35 percent of a daily 1,200-calorie intake.

______________________________________

All that said, I'm also frustrated with myself. No, I haven't fallen off the wagon. I have actually been doing exceptionally well in the food/exercise department. However my temper is suffering for my lack of eating. My patience is maybe only a fingers length past existing and my poor girls have been super hyper today (hitting, pinching, biting and shoving each other) which has just grated on my nerves and they've ended up in the corner and time out chairs much more and much faster than normal.

Buzzy is probably wondering why mommy turned into a she-demon. ((sigh))

This goes for my family as well. There have been a few people that JUST RUB ME WRONG! Everything that comes out of their mouth makes me want to rip my own ears off just so I wouldn't have to hear their voice. Gaaahhhhh!

On a more positive topic: My new fave breakfast? 1 egg white scrambled with pepper, single slice of Kraft American cheese on a toasted 100 calorie sandwich thin with coffee and 2tbsp peppermint mocha creamer for 246 cals. Better, right Allan?

Groceries for the next 2 weeks all bought. All healthy. Lots of fruits and veggies. Hoping to really rock out these next three weeks and be close to the 250s by my weigh in on January 1st.

That's all for now.

XO Kristen

Friday, December 10, 2010

PHOTOS & A LOSS

281.6 last week
275.2 today
Loss of 6.4lbs

And a photo of my hair which while I think looks nice has taken over my head.


For comparison, this is how it looks straightened.


Which looks better?

And just for shits n giggles an unofficial progress pic. Official ones will be taken January 1, 2011 along with measurements and a 1 year weigh in.



You can see Breezy dashing outta the bathroom. Haha! She's probably thinking her mom is crazy. Till later.

XO Kristen

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