Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Holy Hell, My Butt

1 hour + 5 minute cool down on elliptical this morning + full lower body weight workout and OH.MY.SWEET.GEEBUS! My butt muscles are on fire! 190lbs 3 sets of 15 reps on my calves and 110lbs 3 sets of 15 on my quads, hips and butt muscles. Did I take anyone's name in vain yet because it's on the tip of my tongue with how much my ass is killing me!

In addition to my butt qualms I am also having serious other pains. I moved 3 twin pillow top beds including box spring and bed frame by myself through the house. I think I tore something between the arch of my foot and my inner ankle. Then I spent half today on my knees rearranging the girls' play room and now my knees feel like there are no ligaments to separate the bones from rubbing together. Yikes!

So, opinions on exercise please. Longer time with steadier pace or short and furious? Also, how long should each session of weights last? Right now I'm averaging between 15-20 minutes. Give me your wisdom!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Feeding the Addict

Jules from Jules Moves posed this question on my opening post to this blog:

jules said...

why wait for Jan 1? I never understood that. If you really want something, why wait for it? Just because of some date? If you start now, you're already a couple days in on Jan 1st :-)

Monday, December 26, 2011


My entire life I have been and felt insecure in one way or another. Academically I was only average. Socially I was awkward at best. Physically... Physically I was always a mess. From a very young age I had a round belly. I wasn't fat but the way my family dressed me with my pants cutting into my belly, forever splitting it into an upper and lower bulge left me damaged irreparably. As a tween I hated that my armpits were slightly darker than the rest of my skin. I thought something was wrong with me. Little did I know that when you are of Mediterranean descent, certain areas are more darkly pigmented. As a young teen I hated that my thighs touched or the way my butt looked when I sat down cross legged. As a teen I did everything in my power to hide my body. Baggy pants and baggier sweatshirts. As a mid teen I worried about the different sizes of my boobs, the hair that was just too dark to be on my upper lip or under my chin. I started shaving my upper lip when I was 16. I regret that because at that age the minute hairs were barely peach fuzz. Shaving only created a monster.

From my young childhood to present I have heard comments on my weight. Everything from nonchalant conversation, to crass insults, to sincerely concerned suggestions. I've heard all the names in the book, all the fat jokes and insults and of course I have had the list of potential health problems ticked off at each doctor visit where a weigh in is necessary.

Of everything in my life I am most insecure about my body. Most wouldn't know this from the way I present myself. I don't hide in oversized clothes or wear grandma clothes because I feel resigned to it. On the contrary most might even think of me as narcissistic because of my choice in clothes, hair style, the way I apply my makeup or the perfume I wear. But I'm not a narcissistic person, rather I am simply a little girl inside a fat adult body begging for approval. And the worst of it all? I'll never have the approval of the one I need the most.

My own.

So this blog is an aid to help me accept myself, change and better myself so I can let go of my insecurities and not worry anymore. Not worry about what others think or what they'll say or even worse, what I think they are thinking and what I think they want to say.

Come along with me on my journey and try to enjoy the ride. I predict an adventure!

If You Still Follow, Thank You. If You're New, Welcome!

An old blog with an old purpose, a new name and a fresh start. My life has been slowly slipping away from me while I sit on the sidelines watching, and wishing and doing absolutely nothing but feeling sorry for myself. Christmas 2011 has come and gone. New Year 2012 is on the horizon. I have always theorized that even years generally turn out better than odd ones and I am praying that in the case of 2012 I am not wrong. Cliché as it may sound, January 1st starts my new years resolution that I don’t plan to let slip by me like I did in 2010. In April of 2012 I don’t plan to let whatever weight loss I have achieved blind my vision of my goal which will still be far off and 2012, though leading into an odd year will lead me into 2013. For those of you who don’t know me well enough, 13 is my lucky number. So, here is to 2012. May it bring love, laughter, joy and dreams come true; weight lost, lives gained and health into the future.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011


I have had one binge in the last 2 weeks. There were days I ate a bit more than I planned but only one day when I went back to OC eating. I'm not proud of that one day but I AM proud of the other 13.

This morning I had a moment of OC eating. I bought a scone and coffee for myself and a mini scone and drinks for my girls as a treat. Sassy ate her scone no problem which I was happy to see because she normally picks at her food and hems and haws over eating it. Breezy on the other hand doesn't feel too good still and took only one bite of her scone. Needless to say, I ate it. Now that extra 140 cals won't make me or break me today but I felt out of control.

In the month I have been away from blogging I had another realization or epiphany. It isn't necessarily all about the food or quantity you eat or the exercise or the intensity of exercise you do.

Sometimes it's just about sitting down and establishing your discipline. Self talk and reiterating to yourself that you are in control of food, your body and what you do to and for your body. I feel like when I take full responsibility for what I allow myself to eat instead of blaming it on stress or hormones or emotion or anything else, that I am less likely to binge.

Because, honestly, who wants to admit they are knowingly gluttonous without a 'reason' to fall back on? Not me.

There is so little in the form of discipline in our society today and not just when it comes to nutritional habits. In so many aspects of life we fail to practice discipline and where there is little to no discipline, chaos and malfunction ensue.

Taking my children as an example:

When children have no boundaries they feel out of control and insecure. Children thrive on boundaries and limits.

You can apply this to eating healthily as well. In the same context of 'spare the rod, spoil the child', (mind you rod is used here in a metaphorical sense) 'spare the self discipline and spoil your diet'.

So, I am trying to incorporate more discipline into my life and my girls' lives.

It makes them happy.

It makes me happy.

And happy babies plus happy mommy makes a happy world for us.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


So, this post has been a long time coming. I’ve been out of the blogging world for a while. I needed a break from sooo much technology. I needed to focus on my girls, myself, my divorce and priorities. I had started another blog but it didn’t feel right because the title was Zumba This Butt Sexy and I was unable to even afford any Zumba classes. That really isn’t an excuse though. My real excuse was that I became so ashamed and so embarrassed of my backward peddling that I just didn’t want to blog anymore. I back peddled so far that I went above what I started at in January 2010. Crazy.

I started eating well again on August 4, the day after Breezy’s 2nd birthday, and Thursday will be my second weigh in. Thus far, I have lost 13lbs.

A lot has been going on behind the scenes of my life. My divorce is moving forward slowly. Things are being drawn out by the courts, parenting classes that are on hold because they violate temporary visitation orders and a bunch of other trivial details. 

My little sister finished her EMT training and will be moving on to the next chapter of her life which I admit, I am a little jealous of though there is no true jealousy there. I guess it’s more a remorse for what I could have done and could have been. I want her to do everything I chose not to out of ignorance. 

My mom had her hysterectomy and is healing well. She wears an estrogen patch ‘the size of Florida’ that everyone blames her mood swings and out of nowhere fits of emotion and/or rage on. But we all know she’s been thrown into full blown menopause at 43 so, we are making the best of things. It isn’t really all that bad most of the time, but I can say she and I have had our fair share of shouting matches and butting heads since her surgery. But we always forgive either, verbally or in silence. My mom and I love each other unconditionally. THANK GOD!

Breezy was recently hospitalized for dehydration due to strawberry tongue/ massively swollen and virally infected tonsils as well as potential strep. She is home now and seems to be doing much much better but I never want to experience that fear again. No mother who experiences the sunken eyes of her child rolling around in their head or drooling so profusely that you know they are unable to swallow and possibly having difficult time breathing. I don’t ever want to see her so lethargic that when you lift her arm and let go it flops down like she’s unconscious. I will never unheard her moans of distress and pain while we tried to hydrate her orally, numbing her with everything under the sun until there was nothing more to do but use IV fluids. I thank God every day that he made her better. And to think that the very day I took her to the ER we had visited our doctor that morning and he had simply sent her home with instructions to hydrate and administer Tylenol. He hadn’t mentioned that she was already dehydrated. He hadn’t even checked her glands, her ears, eyes or anything. He didn’t ask when the last time she had urinated and when she was admitted to the hospital, the nurses and pediatrician looked at me like I must be lying that another pediatrician wouldn’t go through such basic protocol.

((deep sigh))

Now that the last month has been summed up in a paragraph, I must say that I don’t know how often I will blog, but I do want to keep this blog open to do so when I need to. Thank you to all of you who still follow me, even if you think I am blogging elsewhere, not blogging at all or have fallen off the face of the earth.
I still follow everyone’s blogs too and enjoy them very much, rooting everyone on even in silence.
So, there it is! I’m back. Working forward and praying not to fall back each hour of each day that passes just for my health and the benefit of my babies. I look forward to slowly rejoining the weight loss blogging community.


Thursday, July 14, 2011

And Onto The 5th Day

I'm a little bummed at the scale this morning but I know it is a direct consequence of my actions yesterday. It will be remedied by Monday for my official weigh in though.

Today is laundry day. I have so much of it to do and plan to spend the whole day finishing it up. It's also infinitely easier to eat well when I'm home so I look forward to completing my day's worth of food successfully.

My mom is having surgery on Monday so I am also preparing mentally for that. Due to other 'Monday obligations' I won't be able to be at the hospital with her which kinda freaks me out but again ... Be anxious for nothing, right?

I would appreciate prayer on her behalf if you are the praying kind. Her name is Ann.

Thank you and Salud!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Anxiety Will Always Lead You Astray

In my most recent post Mallwalker from Getting Healthy gave me these two pieces of advice, "Don't worry..." and "Worry doesn't get you anywhere." The rest of what she said was important as well but these two pieces of advice resounded with me. Why? Because worry and anxiety have been my leading causes of stress and emotional eating for thee longest time.

Today was a product of that anxiety. Details withheld I am going through a very trying time in my life. Some of you may know to what I refer and others may not. Those details are not important. What is important is that I immediately turn to food when times get difficult. I overate and had a mini binge today. I hadn't binged for 3 days which is a current record and I am proud of that record. I plan to beat it with day one starting again tomorrow. 

As I said we would, my family and I went to the zoo today. Beforehand my breakfast was the norm. Two pieces of blueberry toast and a cup of coffee with cream. 

At the zoo things started out well. We had lunch. The calories in their grilled cheese sandwich was fairly low and so I chose that for lunch. That is when things started popping into my mind. Current events. Past events. Events with question marks left unanswered. I ate my grilled cheese and the chips that came with it. Then I nibbled on a leftover hotdog and some french fries. After lunch I shared an elephant ear with 4 people. Dinner was Chipotle Mexican Grill. I had never eaten there before. I chose badly. I had a steak barbacoa burrito (I should have just had the bowl -sans tortilla-) The burrito has steak, cilantro-lime rice, black beans, sour cream, guacamole and pico. After I finished that I also ate a little left over rice, a few bites of chicken and some tortilla chips. My mini binge came once we had arrived home and there were fresh oatmeal cookies staring me in the face. I had 4 1/2. I call this a mini binge because normally I would have eaten 10 or 15 or even the entire plate (like 25 cookies) I would have eaten a total of 5 cookies if someone hadn't plucked the fifth one out of my hand half way through and popped it in their own mouth.

Needless to say, I don't have a good grasp on my calorie count. I know I walked for a solid 3 hours up and down hills, over uneven terrain and sometimes pushing or pulling weight greater than 50lbs. Other times carrying weight of over 30lbs. I can say my butt hurts. My thighs hurt. My shoulders and my chest hurt - in a good way of course. 

Here are my three favorite photos from today's trip.

Praying (actually she was sleeping) baboon

New baby elephants

Holding hands

On another topic, I think I may have an umbilical hernia. I need to go have it checked out. Not fun! I will keep you updated on that. 

And so I leave you with this:
(I am not a bible thumper, but do consider myself a Christian woman. If Christianity is not your cup of tea I understand and do not look to force my beliefs on anyone. I happen to find great comfort in the following verses and hope that you can respect that)

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

“Then Jesus said to his disciples: ‘Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?’” (Luke 12:22-26, NIV)

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


The life of this blog has come to an end but my new blog
is up and active and I am ONPLAN!
. Thank you to all the people who followed me and will continue to follow me.
Peace to you all.


The Rest of Today --> The Rest of My Life

Today has been good. No cravings. Mental hunger but I am 100% aware that it is mental hunger. I won't cave to that. That's what I'm really trying to do here. Change my habits. Change the way I look at food. Eat to live not live to eat. I don't want every waking thought to be about what I can stuff in my face next to numb me, distract me, and give me the excuse that "Well, I'm fat so I can't/won't/shouldn't/...".

Lunch was a 1/2 turkey cranberry wrap with 15 BBQ Lays chips. Snack was a veggie roll in rice paper with sweet chili sauce. Dinner will be one slice of homemade meatloaf (made with cracker crumbs, eggs and ...duh... hamburger), one scoop of homemade mashed potatoes (made with skim milk, butter, salt and pepper) and a veggie medley. Dessert will be two homemade Quaker oatmeal cookies.

I was invited to a bachelorette party and immediately my mind went to, 'but I won't be able to eat or drink'... Yeah, this is my life. My way of thinking. This is what I need to change. My first thought should not be about what I can or cannot eat but that 'wow, I'd love to celebrate with my friend' and it shouldn't matter what does or doesn't go into my mouth while I'm celebrating.

I have a kid's birthday party to go to on Sunday. They're making tri-tip and side dishes and the mom is known for her desserts and her appetizers and I am so worried . . . worries that I will cave, eat and ultimately fail. I need to take this one day, one meal ... maybe even one hour at a time. I can get through this and successfully. I need to remember that food cannot/ should not control me. I control it. I decide what goes inside my mouth and what doesn't and ultimately I decide what my priorities are. I must always remember that I will NEVER regret NOT eating that pie/cookie/cake/ice cream (except while it's there to eat)... Once it is gone, the temptation will be also. I will ALWAYS regret EATING those things and the regret will last much longer than the agony of not eating them.


Feeling Good Coming Into Day 3

As my title says, I feel really good coming into day three! It has been a really long time since I made it to day 3 without giving up.

And as I suspected, I peeked at the scale this morning and in 2 days I've already lost 6lbs of water weight. I always figure the first week sheds toxins and extra retained water and by the beginning of week 2 is when you know your real beginning weight.

Yesterday was good, except that it was Monday (which has a completely different definition in my life than in most but I'll get to that another time) Breakfast was 2 pieces of sunmaid raisin cinnamon swirl bread and coffee with cream. Lunch was a roasted chicken Caesar salad with no croutons. Originally I thought the salad was 490 cals (per but when I asked to confirm with the restaurant's nutritional guide it was actually closer to 600 although there were no modifications made for not eating the croutons. Snacks throughout the day were 2.5 nectarines, a 90 cal special k bar and 8 dark chocolate (flips) pretzels. Dinner was 2 Ling Lings chicken egg rolls and 1 sausage link that I had made for the girls to make sure they weren't too spicy. I did go over my calories a little but only by about 50-ish.

I figure I made up for that though, walking around the mall for 5 hours and then a double loop walk around the neighborhood last night for about 45 minutes.

This morning I started off with the same breakfast. Now I'm chillaxing before I head to the doctor, the bank and the market.

I am feeling really good. It's amazing what just 2 full days of good eating can do for your overall feeling of health. My chronic heartburn/ Gerd has all but disappeared. My headaches are minimal in comparison to what they were and I imagine as the sugar withdrawal lessens they will become even more mild and infrequent.

Tomorrow we will take a trip to the zoo so lots of walking exercise tomorrow. I just need to really think about what I eat and control the portion size. I will return with photos!

Salud! Amor! Y Dinero!

Sunday, July 10, 2011

The Beginning - First Weigh

Day 1 and everything is moving along smoothly. Well, as smoothly as it can move along for it being a Sunday when food is eaten out and therefore unpredictable. Normally after church we eat breakfast at Jack in the Box where they conveniently list the calories for the individual sandwich and then the range of calories for the meals depending on the beverage you choose. I was going to order a pita pocket breakfast sandwich for 441 calories plus a coffee with 4 creamer and my breakfast would have been around 480 calories. Unfortunately, we didn't anticipate that our breakfast place would be closed for remodeling and thus we had to choose a different location.

My family chose Shari's, famous for rich and highly caloric meals. I was as 'good' as I could manage to be. I had a spring spinach omelet made with egg whites, hashbrowns made without oil and dry wheat toast with 1 and 1/4 pat of jelly. I drank 2 cups of coffee with 2 creamers each. Unfortunately I can only estimate the calorie intake. Shari's nutritional guide states that the spring spinach omelet ordered normal with whole eggs is 577 calories. I am unsure of the calorie difference when you remove the yolks and the blue cheese crumbles that come with the omelet. The website also states that one side order of hashbrowns is 730 calories but says one side is 175 calories. I need to verify because one side of hashbrowns may be significantly larger than the portion that comes with the meal. Lastly, the website says that the two pieces of whole wheat bread I ate was 312 calories. WOW! I hadn't expected that. Then with the 75 calories in jelly and 40 calories in creamer... I'm a bit at a loss.

So I've been trying to deteriorate the calorie count, modifying the egg whites for the whole eggs. So if I take the total calorie amount of 577 calories and subtract the 4 whole eggs they use. (I called and asked how many whole eggs are used in a normal omelet and one whole egg equals 70 calories) Subtracting those eggs I am left with 297 calories. Then, the lady told me they use 6 oz of liquid egg whites to replace the whole eggs in the omelet which equals around 88 calories so I add that to the 297 calorie omelet. The omelet is now 385 calories. I am going to assume that hashbrowns (essentially shredded potatoes) not cooked in anything but water are 175 calories per serving. So far my meal is 560 calories which, yes is more than I had wished it to be. Add to that my 2 pieces of whole wheat 12 grain toast which the website says is 312 calories and I've suddenly jumped up to 872 calories. Plus creamer at 40 calories and jelly at 75 and wow, 987.

* I didn't subtract the blue cheese crumbles from the calorie count even though I did eat the meal without them.

Mind you this is at 12:30 in the afternoon so it is like breakfast and lunch combined. It doesn't sound so bad when you split it into 2 and say you essentially had a 493 calories breakfast and a 493 calorie lunch BUT that is what got me into trouble in the first place. Making excuses. So I will probably have a snack in a few hours and have a light dinner (less than 400 calories) and learn from my mistakes. No more toast. That would have knocked a good 375 calories off my intake and the hashbrowns weren't really necessary either. Lesson learned, but no harm no foul.

I weighed myself this morning and am 324lbs. Yuck. Holy yuck! I am sure I have at least 10lbs of water weight sitting on me though. Last night, in true glutton style I pigged out. Fries to begin with, a McDonalds frappe, ice cream and then chips and salsa, soda and more ice cream. I made myself sick I ate so much.

I am sure that if I stick to my plan this first week will show an immense loss in water weight alone.

Later this evening I will post my first BUTT SHOT.Be prepared. It isn't pretty. Now to continue on with my day. A little spring cleaning and relaxation.

Happy Sunday


Saturday, July 9, 2011

A Long Time Coming

Hello, my name is Miss K. I've been wanting to start this weight loss journey for a long time now. I have spent almost 27 years of my life overweight and the last 16 years or so at 200+ lbs. Three years ago I topped 300. I need the trend to stop. Every day I tell myself, 'tomorrow I'll start' and every tomorrow turns into today and the mantra continues. The binge monster has been my best friend and my worst enemy. A quick fix of consolation, comfort and a habit that I know I would be better off without. This relationship (though it is volatile and dangerous to my health) is going to be difficult to break off.

I have never been thin. The closest to thin I ever was in my life was as a small child and at my high school graduation. But I still weighed more than 200lbs even then. I want to be thin, but most of all I want to be healthy. Generally speaking, you could say I am healthy for being 300+lbs. I don't have any kind of diabetes, high blood pressure or other weight related illnesses. I do have GERD (Gastroesophageal reflux disease) which can be very painful. This significantly lessens when I lose weight, which I have done time and time again. But always returns when the weight returns.

Another reason I want and need to shed the pounds is my passion. Zumba! I am an addict. I started Zumba-ing in public classes when I was around 270lbs. Now that I have surpassed 300lbs I am quite embarrassed to attend the class where I once did, ashamed of my morbid obesity. It is difficult to show your face to a group of women who have done nothing but aid you in your efforts to lose weight and yet the proof is in the pudding (or in the fat around your waist) that you have basically wasted their time.

I eventually want to become a certified Zumba instructor. I dream of making this my career. Teaching Zumba and dancing all over the country, attending conventions and masters classes and meeting Zumba 'Big Dogs' like Beto Perez the founder and creator of Zumba. 

So . . . my goals are simple. 

  • Eat between 1200-1500 calories a day
  • Walk and/or Zumba 3-5x a week
  • Don't cheat
  • Don't make excuses
The calorie intake should not be difficult. For the first month or so I will not be actually doing any Zumba. I am currently waiting for hardwood floors to be installed in my home, thus I only have carpet and carpet is not conducive to turning quickly on the balls of your feet. That's when you twist your ankle really well. BUT I will walk and I will walk a lot. Then, once the floors are installed they are going to be worn out by my dancing. 

I vow to myself I will not cheat. I want to meet my goals. I will not make excuses. There are no more tomorrows. You never know if they will actually come. There is only today and right now and I will make today, right now count. 

I will post my first weigh in tomorrow morning and my first butt photo. (Yikes) As my blog title states I am looking to Zumba my butt sexy and this will be a sort of chronological diary of the shrinkage of my butt. I am looking forward to being able to buy underwear in the near future that not only isn't a double digit but that is actually cute and feminine and dare I say it? SEXY!

So here's to the beginning of my journey!


Tuesday, June 28, 2011


Zumba has been on my mind again. I swear I am feeling borderline ADHD. From eating well and trying to lose weight to my shambles of a marriage and ever pending divorce to books and publishing those books and now feeling the pull again toward Zumba ((sigh)) my life is a rollercoaster... But that's half the fun right?

It's not the destination. It's the journey. Boy oh boy isn't it?

So my fantastically selfless and generous friend and zumba instructor invited me to her classes without talking price. Gasp sputter sputter gasp. I need to get my grandma or mom on board STAT to watch my girls so I can go a few times a week.

The Latin rhythms are caaaallling meee!!!

In other news, Sassy pierced her ears.

Pretty girl!

There's been a lot of tattoo and piercing talk in this house and I think that was what sparked her interest. Not to mention that she is just so sick of those stick on earrings.

So a couple people want tats, one got a tat,

I want my nose pierced and Sassy says to me,

"I wanna get my ears pierced."

And from that moment there was no changing her mind. Even as she sat in the chair she was cool as a cucumber and when they did the piercing she didn't flinch, she didn't cry. She only looked mildly dazed. I picked her up and asked her if she was ok. She said yes. I told her if she wanted to cry it was ok and asked her if she felt like she wanted to and that was an emphatic no. Like, jeez mom what kinda wuss do you think I am? Lol

Here is my diva the day before she got her her ears done. I just love this photo.

And Breezy in all of her squishy adorableness.

And me


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday, June 27, 2011



I have not disappeared contrary to popular belief.

I am however also not back here to stay (yet).

But I would like you to take a jaunt (click) over to my new Writers Blog HERE where you can follow my writing career and even read my newly published book!

Introducing . . .

I hope to see you there, (and here again) soon . . .


Thursday, June 16, 2011






Monday, June 6, 2011


I have been thinking a lot about my manuscripts lately and would much rather be writing there than here, but I cannot think straight much less creatively as I wait for my small (very talkative and apparently not very tired) children to fall asleep.

So, here I am thinking about today and what a roller coaster of emotions I go through every Monday. Yeah, Mondays are bad news in my world . . . much more so than in most people's worlds I think? I don't know, maybe I'm wrong but it just seems like waking up at 7 to go to a job I might like on some days and not others would be easier than waking up at 8 to see the one person I wish I never had to see again. And for 5 hours.

This past week has not been an easy one. To say it has been an emotional roller coaster would be a severe understatement. Aside from the divorce and my suddenly very bratty almost 3 year old and my suddenly very very moody almost 2 year old, things have felt very strained between me and my family. Maybe it's because my nerves are already frayed. Maybe it's because there are 4 adults living in one house and an entire family unit living within one neighborhood. Maybe it's for all those reasons and more that I don't care to get into but things have just been bad.

Tonight Sassy was extremely upset that bedtime was slowly closing in and my mom wasn't home to say goodnight to her. I told her to go ask my step-dad what time 'nana' would be home and she did as she was told, to which she was answered by a very patronizing 'nana will get home when nana gets home'.

I'm sorry, but that's just not how you answer a three year old . . . much less when you're not joking and much much less when that three year old is distraught and you know that kind of answer is just going to unleash a flood of tears.

His behavior and his answers are not surprising to me though; which brings me to my rant . . . about my step-dad and perhaps it isn't really a 'rant' so much as a rehashing of all the hurt and emotional distress he caused ME as a child.

  • On one occasion in particular, my mom and he had just married and I was between 6 and 7 years old. My mom worked at a grocery store and had fluctuating shifts. On this particular night I remember she was working a night shift and I was left at home with him to babysit me. I remember standing at the second story apartment window crying and crying when my mom left to go to work. Screaming that I didn't want her to go. Wailing that I wanted my mommy. I didn't say as much nor do I remember if I understood then that I didn't want to be with him. I just wanted my mommy. Was my distress met with hugs and kind words and reassurance that my mom would be home soon? No. No it was not. It was instead met with harsh threats to be quiet. That mom had to work and to go play. And when my sobs and crying did not cease, I was sent to my room and told that he didn't want to see me again that night.
It brings tears to my eyes just remembering it. It brings tears to my eyes thinking that ANYONE would ever dare to make my child feel that way.
  • On another occasion, when I was 9 my mom and sister (who was around 1-ish at the time) went to visit my aunt in Washington State. (We lived in California) and when my mom and sister were on their airplane back my step-dad and I drove to the airport to meet them. I was so excited to see my mom and baby sister and so badly wanted to hold my sister. I told my step-dad excitedly that I wanted to hold her first. But my excitement was quickly drowned when he told me that I would not hold her first. That he was her father and that he would hold her first. I argued a little, being the child (again, I was 9) that I was and was promptly told to be quiet and if I continued I wouldn't hold my sister at all.
No words will ever explain how sad that trip to the airport made me. When my mom and sister got off the plane my sister immediately got so excited to see her dad and at 9 years old that was just another small jab. Now, as an adult, I can see how a baby would want to see her dad first as opposed to her big sister, but the way he handled my excitement - by squashing it completely - it has always affected me.
  • When I was 14, after a very prominent occasion in my life had come to pass and before anyone really understood the detriment and severity of it, (that included a man 3.5x my age with the same name as my then boyfriend) my step-dad sat my down on the couch, with no one home and told me what a burden I was making of myself. Didn't I know I could get pregnant? Didn't I know what pregnancy could do to me at 'my weight' (I was between 180-200) Didn't I ever think about anyone but myself? 
Unfortunately his little talk had an adverse affect on me. I'm thinking that could be a leading reason why I assumed it was my fault. I chose it. I could have changed it. But a 14 year old can't be at fault or choose or change rape. 

In one way or another this man who is by title, my mother's husband and my sister's father has ruined so many aspects of my life. It's no wonder I trust men very seldomly. It's no wonder I think so little of them. It's no wonder I see men as useful for only a handful of things and it's no wonder I am in the predicament I am in right now. Granted, I don't blame my divorce on my step-dad. I chose the man I chose and I chose wrong. But I wish the older, wiser me could go back to the younger me and tell me not to pay attention to him. He's no example of what a real man is. Find the exact opposite. Don't settle. Oh God, don't settle like your mom did. I would scream this last phrase into the young me's head until I lost my voice and grew short of breath from screaming in whispers. 






Wednesday, June 1, 2011


Even though June is still technically considered spring, I am starting my own summer challenge today and it will end (the challenge) on august, 31.

Those who would like to know exactly what I'm doing or who want to join me just comment or email me!

I'm making this pretty simple for myself. Staple breakfast, lunch and dinner with set snacks in-between. When I never deviate I will always be at or under 1200 cals every day.

I've already made plans to thwart temptations at events and holidays.

For example, a week from tomorrow is my last bunko party and they are having a sit down dinner beforehand. I won't be there for that part and NOTHING is to touch my lips but water or diet. 4th of July is easy (sorta) too. It's a Monday and providing my ex doesn't crap out like he did on Memoral Day because the bus lines weren't running and he refused to find other transportation to his visitation then we will spend until 3:00 with him which will omit all my midday snacking that is the norm for the 4th.

There will be no cake or even food that will be allowed to touch my lips at Sassy's birthday in a week or Breezys birthday in 3 months.

I will have my foods set aside and NOTHING else is for me. Period.

Now, if I were you I would be laughing and placing bets to see how long I'll last .... But honestly, I have been feeling really strong. So we'll see where that brings me in a week.

For those wondering, the 314lbs at the left hand corner was my last weigh in but I don't even remember what day that was a week or more ago. I forgot to weigh myself this morning but I am assuming had I weighed in the scale would have been lower. So it'll be interesting to see what Murphy (my scale for those who don't know) says on Wednesday the 8th.

Today I end with 1120 cals in.

A post will be coming soon about health insurance and exclusions/clauses for obesity and even if it is a serious health issue there are some policies/providers that just won't cover/help a person lose weight.

GAHHH!! But that's for another time.

Until later world!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, May 28, 2011


... And I think it shows.


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I've recently come into contact with many people I went to highschool with on Facebook.

Seeing the faces of people who were such a huge part of my life after a decade of having not seen them is quite emotionally provoking.

Seeing the boys turn into men with successful careers and become daddies. To see the girls who I used to be friends with, or who I only knew from classes because we shared them and to see how they have become women and mommies and have made lives as adults. It really gets to me.

It makes me sad that I didn't appreciate the time with the people of my youth. That I was too busy being boy crazy and trying in anyway possible to rebel and see the one man I am now divorcing.

Seriously. Like, 11 years of my life focused on the one person who I am trying to get as far away as possible from. Irony? Karma? I don't know what to call it, but it leaves a sickening empty pit in my stomach. To think of the life I could have lived. The person I could have been.

Don't get me wrong, my babies are my life and I would trade them for NOTHING. Not even to go back in time and do it all different.

But ....

I miss my home. Washington is where I live. It's where my family and my things are and by many people's definition that is 'home'. But I miss California. I miss my streets. The places I used to hang out at. I miss the weather, the car washes, the culture, the diversity. I miss having a vast array of things to do from the beach, Disneyland, magic mountain, knotts, Santa Barbara, (although now that the Big Yellow House is gone it just wouldn't be the same) I miss the manicured neighborhoods, the palm trees, the sense of self worth in the residents. I miss feeling 'the need to look nice'.

Here you 'look nice' as long as your sweats and t-shirt aren't ripped and fit well.

I miss seeing familiar faces, hearing familiar names. I miss life there.

My 10 year reunion is coming up in 2012. I hope to go, if for nothing else than to see and smell and hear and be a part of what used to be my life. If only for a little while.

Which brings me to my weight. I don't know in what month of the year high school reunions are generally held but assuming the soonest would be January 2012 that gives me 8 months to shed as much of this weight as possible and if I can follow in Julia from JewliaGoulia's (gosh, I miss her) footsteps, maybe I'll be able to lose 100+ lbs in that time frame.

Today has been good. Breakfast in. No thoughts of failure. No need to eat or medicate by eating.

Yesterday ended at 1320 cals.

Today should be close to that as well.

Sorry for the super scatterbrained post but I was feeling super emotional so I thought I'd get it out. Cathartic? Yeah. I feel a lil better now.

Much love and until later.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, May 27, 2011


The term "entitlement" refers to a notion or belief that one (or oneself) is deserving of some particular reward or benefit.

In my case, food. I am a good mom and therefore I deserve that pizza. I work hard cleaning the house so I deserve that ice cream. I put up with everyone I live with who have strange and annoying quirks so I deserve that cake. No, not only do I DESERVE it, I'm ENTITLED to it.

I am entitled to anything I want to put in my mouth because of all the shit I deal with and all the shit I put up with and all the shit I live with.

Or, at least that's what I think.

In reality I am actually ENTITLED to live healthily. I am actually ENTITLED to feel my pain and be angry with shit I have to live with and be sad about the shit I have to deal with. I am ENTITLED to FEEL.

But no one has been robbing me of that ENTITLEMENT except me.


I am my own worst enemy. My own saboteur. My own kryptonite. I know what switches flip where and when and I allow them to flip on and off at will. I allow my buttons to be pushed and use it all as an excuse to use my facade of entitlement that is really just myself, a wolf in sheep's clothing, waiting to make me fail.

Yesterday I had 'started again' and then I made the mistake of going to the market ... Hungry.

In addition to lunch I also bought the new mini Reeses that you don't have to take the wrapper off of. Long story short, when I went to eat them later in the evening they were gone.

I was pissed, although looking back now it wasn't because they had been eaten but because they were mine and no one asked. That happens a lot around here. In any case, I pulled out a LARGE piece of chocolate cake that was actually my sister's and proceeded to eat 1/2 of it.

The thing though? It didn't taste good. I didn't really want it in the first place and afterward I felt like shit but DAMMIT if I wasn't entitled to that cake because someone ate my dessert without asking me.

As I lay in bed after I chugged milk for the heartburn the cake had caused I realized like a gazillion and one things. But the biggest things that kept flashing through my head?

1) I'm only 10lbs from where I started in January 2010.

2) no one can do this for me. Only I can do it for myself.

3) food is tasting seriously nasty and making me feel even worse

4) if I don't really take control, I'll be 500lbs before I know it

5) and lastly, I deserve and am entitled to love myself and want better for myself. I don't have to be the gluttonous self loathing Person I have been.

So here I am blogging instead if eating. My stomach hurts but not from heartburn. Instead it's growling because I'm not stuffing it full. My head hurts a little but not because I've overdosed on sugar. Instead, because I've not had any substantial sugar today and lastly ... My energy is up and my morale is as well. Forward and I'll be back if I am suddenly attacked by the 'wanting to fail' monster.



The potential business venture with Metabolic Research Centers ended up being a no-go and honestly, when it took them almost a week to contact me I was pretty sure I knew which way the ball was bouncing. To say I am disappointed would not necessarily be true because while the staff was friendly, their demeanor and techniques for handling situations were poor at best.

During the week it took for them to answer me can you guess how good my eating habits were? I bet you can. I bet, you as my readers know that excuses is my middle name. And it's true. I used every excuse in the book to eat whatever I wanted. Not low calorie. Not low carb. Just low in nutrients and not much else.

Yesterday I pulled out 2 old desktop towers so I could backup all my old photos onto a flash drive and I found photos of me when I lived in Mexico between 250-265lbs. Wow! I was a completely different person. This coming week, after my laptop is done being refurbished I will post some of them. I'm jealous of my past self. I'm jealous of my tan skin and my high cheek bones.

I need to stop being jealous though because that person is still me. That person is still under all this fat. I just need to figure out how to turn off the 'I don't care' switch and turn on the 'I deserve to be thin and healthy and beautiful' switch. I need to realize that I am entitled to a better life. Why can't it sink in?

Maybe cuz most days I let myself look like this.

Every day I wake up telling myself, 'today is the day' and then I make 1 little mistake and the whole day is a bust. Not really but that's how I feel. See? Excuses! Full of em! They're never ending!

What's terribly sad is the cycle. I feel bad. I eat. I feel worse. I eat. I feel even worse and now guilty. I eat. I keep searching for something to eat that will satisfy something that can't be satisfied or fulfilled or fixed with food. You can't fix a transmission in a car by simply filling the tank with gas. You have to go to the actual problem.

My brain is the problem. I wake up thinking about food, spend all day thinking about food and go to sleep thinking about food. The biggest joke of all? I'm never thinking about what I want or what tastes good. I'm perpetually kicking myself because nothing I eat tastes good. Nothing I eat fixes anything and most of all, I don't even really want most of the things I do eat.


Today starts another day.

Breakfast was and always is easy.

Lunch, I generally have no problem with.

It's come 1-4 o'clock that a switch flips on telling me there is no point.

There is a point though and I have to get past myself to achieve my goals.

Now the question of the day:

How to get out of my own way??


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, May 20, 2011


Low carbin it has been great. I'm losing weight (almost 10lbs in 5 days albeit I know it's mostly water) and best if all?

No hunger. No cravings.



Holy yes!

100g net carbs or less and suddenly *POOF* cravings be gone!

Yesterday, my sister and I went to the midnight showing of Pirates of the Carribean On Stranger Tides. (good but very dark for my taste and for Disney)

So, I wanted to test the whole cravings theory and I'm not sure that I succeeded. I mean in a way I did but my experiment did not render the results I was expecting.

Yesterday I ate a normal carb day (after 4 days of 100g or less) and then at the movie I had candy and popcorn, thinking that I would get some kind of sugar high and my cravings would return.

They didn't.

It's nearly 12 hours after my experiment and I had my low carb breakfast and I want for nothing. Not hungry and no cravings! So, the experiment in theory failed but in reality was quite a success.

Even while I ate the candy a thought about not wanting the candy and how it wasn't worth it kept crossing my mind and OMG the popcorn was awfully salty. I could have finished off the entire VERY large diet soda my sister and I shared all by myself.

So back to low carbin it.

I don't think I'll be experimenting anymore. It just isn't worth it. Why skew my results, right?


Oh and on a random note about my divorce, my ex assumably deleted all the photos of his home from my phone because I used to have some and now I don't. I need them for my attorney as proof that his home is not an adequate place for my girls to reside.

Well, you know how FB now suggests people you might know? Yesterday it suggested one of the nephews that my ex lives with (with a different name ... I had no idea any of them had FB) and wouldn't you know that his FB has public photos of their home? Bummer for him! (my ex, that is)


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Thursday, May 19, 2011


As you know I'm attempting low carb eating but I have a question or a thousand to smooth out some confusion I have provoked within my own mind by reading too much too quickly without understanding the entire concept of low carb.

So here are my questions:

Should I monitor calories in addition to carbs?

If so, what should my cals top out at?

Should I replace carbs with mostly proteins or fats?

I have more questions but I'll start there.

I'm confused with a lot of conflicting information I have read on the web and hope someone or lots of someones can help!

Thanks in advance!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


Today was good.


I ate well.

I played with my girls.

I spoke to MRC but they didn't give me an answer yet.

I rested.

But in the middle of the day the girls' dad texted me about the money I owe him from the 2010 tax refund. I in turn asked him about the money he owes me from April and May child support payments.

You see I have the money to give him and for a while my lawyer has been trying to arrange an exchange of checks with his attorney. His attorney was (until today) quite unresponsive and my attorney told me that if I wanted I could try to exchange the checks just between him and me or I could ask him if it would okay if I subtracted the amount he owes me from the amount I owe him. (Yes, we got a very large tax refund)

I asked him at the time that he texted me if I could subtract the child support from the money I was going to give him and he said, absolutely not. He wanted the check in its complete amount. I asked him how I would know that he would turn around and give me my child support and he told me, because I'm not like you. I told him that we needed to do this as easily as possible and since his lawyer isn't talking to him or my lawyer that this was the easiest route to avoid more court dates. He not only declined once again but told me he was going to sue me for 2009's money also. Uh, ok. We had spent that together and I am pretty sure it is irrelevant in the current matter, but his threat was enough to shake me. I told him that no money would be exchanged, then, until our attorney's talked.

2 hours later I receive an e-mail from my attorney with an attachment. UGH! Not more paperwork. But no, to my relief it was not paperwork. It was his lawyer's official document stating that he was withdrawing his services to my girls' dad and the matter (the matter being our divorce)

I don't know what to think.

Why would a lawyer withdraw his services? Did my ex not pay him? Is he really as crooked a lawyer as we were starting to suspect?

I am literally at a loss.

We are at a pivotal part of the divorce. I was ordered by the courts to take a class called Parents Forever which is a class that teaches parents how to help children cope with divorce. That's fine. I'm wondering though when my girls' dad thinks he is going to take the classes though. The 90 day waiting period for Washington State divorces is June 24. The temporary custody order was set for 60 days which ends June 11. He is supposed to be done taking or currently taking the same class as me plus one that I requested he take that is a weekly class for 6-8 weeks. So far he has signed up for neither.

And now he no longer has legal assistance.

See, I'm all for getting things the way I want them . . . but I'm not the kind of person who likes to throw another person under the bus. When he had an attorney (no matter how whacked out the attorney he chose was) it felt like we were on an even playing field. Now . . . not so much and I don't want to be seen as the person who manipulates a sensitive situation.

Why do I think it's sensitive?

Because he has never been a proactive person. In fact, I was surprised when he found legal aid and then laughed when I found out one of the girls he worked with found it for him. He doesn't know how to investigate or find out information for himself. When we were together I did everything for him, from little things like calling to order pizza to huge things like documents to secure his residency when it was no longer my job to do so.

I don't know . . . as the title states, I'm a little bit at a loss.

And the clincher . . . I don't think he will even know he has lost his attorney until it is really late. I doubt his attorney will call to tell him and if his mail opening habits are at all like they used to be then he won't get the letter for between 2-5 weeks.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

I'm tired of this and I'm ready for it to be over.

So ready.


Monday, May 16, 2011


I wrote a post last night with the above title, published it via my iPhone's BlogPress, the app said it was published successfully and then POOF, it disappeared out of my unpublished posts, my published posts and never appeared on my google reader. Sometimes Blogger just irritates me but I could never switch to Wordpress. Tried that and didn't like it AT ALL.

So, in short, yesterday's post was essentially about how I couldn't stop thinking about food and how my mind kept trying to justify not eating well, or just one bite. Every time I would successfully navigate my mind away from food, something else would draw it straight back. Very frustrating.

However, I succeeded in not only staying under my calories but eating low-er carb. I succeeded in keeping myself from binging. I didn't even take 'just one taste' of anything and try to justify it.

Today my mind hasn't been on food so much except for the fact that I have had a severe headache. (spending 5 hours with my ex does that. Lol) and in the past chewing has always relieved my headaches. Unfortunately gum does not do the trick so I have just had to endure this mild agony squeezing my skull since very early this morning. Thank God I can just rest now.

I have a new favorite meal that is in the form of a protein shake. It includes soy protein powder (vanilla), Quaker oats, banana, skim milk and sometimes peanutbutter. Yum!!! And totally within my calorie & carb allotment!

I am finding this low-er carb thing very easy to do (knock on wood)

Many of you may be wondering what I mean by low-er carb as opposed to low carb.

Well, I spoke with my PCP as well as the nutritionist that cared for me in my first pregnancy when I was borderline with gestational diabetes. Both recommended between 50-100g of carbs which is low-er than the FDA's recommended 150ish. They recommended that I not do the normal low carb diet of between 0-50g of carbs because I would have to bd deprived or at least heavily restrict fresh fruits and veggies that are exceptionally nutritious but not considered low carb.

So, being the curious and investigative person I am I started looking up how many grams of carbs were considered low carb, how many carbs are generally recommended for a healthy diet and how many carbs are allotted for healthy fat burning.

I came upon this from talking about The Primal Blueprint carbohydrate Curve. I found it very interesting.

300 or more grams/day - Danger Zone!

Easy to reach with the “normal” American diet (cereals, pasta, rice, bread, waffles, pancakes, muffins, soft drinks, packaged snacks, sweets, desserts). High risk of excess fat storage, inflammation, increased disease markers including Metabolic Syndrome or diabetes. Sharp reduction of grains and other processed carbs is critical unless you are on the “chronic cardio” treadmill (which has its own major drawbacks).

150-300 grams/day – Steady, Insidious Weight Gain

Continued higher insulin-stimulating effect prevents efficient fat burning and contributes to widespread chronic disease conditions. This range – irresponsibly recommended by the USDA and other diet authorities – can lead to the statistical US average gain of 1.5 pounds of fat per year for forty years.

100-150 grams/day – Primal Blueprint Maintenance Range

This range based on body weight and activity level. When combined with Primal exercises, allows for genetically optimal fat burning and muscle development. Range derived from Grok’s (ancestors’) example of enjoying abundant vegetables and fruits and avoiding grains and sugars.

50-100 grams/day – Primal Sweet Spot for Effortless Weight Loss

Minimizes insulin production and ramps up fat metabolism. By meeting average daily protein requirements (.7 – 1 gram per pound of lean bodyweight formula), eating nutritious vegetables and fruits (easy to stay in 50-100 gram range, even with generous servings), and staying satisfied with delicious high fat foods (meat, fish, eggs, nuts, seeds), you can lose one to two pounds of body fat per week and then keep it off forever by eating in the maintenance range.

0-50 grams/day – Ketosis and Accelerated Fat Burning

Acceptable for a day or two of Intermittent Fasting towards aggressive weight loss efforts, provided adequate protein, fat and supplements are consumed otherwise. May be ideal for many diabetics. Not necessarily recommended as a long-term practice for otherwise healthy people due to resultant deprivation of high nutrient value vegetables and fruits.

This seemed to confirm what my PCP and nutritionist had said and so I am trying to keep my carbs under 100, which today I will finish with a net carb intake of 90.

Breakfast was 1 egg + 2 egg whites and coffee with creamer and splenda

Lunch was Mongolian Grill where I piled raw veggies such as broccoli, cabbage, onions, bean sprouts, carrots and mushrooms under chicken and beef and they steam cooked it right in front of me then adding no sugar added curry and Ginger sauce.

I had a kid scoop of no sugar added chocolate covered banana ice cream for a snack (I know, not particularly nutritious) and later 2 sticks of string cheese

And for dinner I will have the shake I mentioned before.

I'm praying tomorrow I will receive good news from Metabolic Research Centers but regardless of the outcome of that venture I hope I have found my happy little diet nitch again.

Also, thank you all for your responses on my last post. All the information was very enlightening.

Until tomorrow!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, May 14, 2011


Warning: This post will inevitably end up being controversial as I don't have a politically correct opinion of antidepressants. 
I warn you that if you are easily offended not to read on. 

So, in my most recent post titled DO OR DIE

Eileen said...

Have you considered an antidepressant? It may help.

Eileen poses a perfectly good question. However, for anyone who knows me well, they know I am not one for medications or drugs of any kind. In fact the most medicine I take is a few Excedrin migraine when my headaches are out of control.

You see, medication (in my opinion) in most cases (not all) is an agent to mask the real problem. My Excedrin migraine relieves the pain but doesn't take care of the main source of the migraine. Morphine eases the pain of terminal patients but does nothing to help cure them. Aloe Vera gel eases the itch of poison ivy but the rash has to heal in its own time. And in a quite metaphorical sense, a crutch relieves the need to walk on a broken leg/ankle/foot but in no way aids in the healing of that broken leg/ankle/foot.

Antidepressants ease the pain of sadness and other emotional issues and are essentially used in many situations as a crutch. In some instances I DO believe they are necessary. Like on a broken leg a person would definitely need a crutch and like in a cancer situation where the pain is too horrible to bear morphine would allow them to live out the remainder of their days in a less painful state. I believe there are justifiable psychological reasons to need antidepressants. Like in the situation when a person is considering suicide. I would think in a life and death or self inflicted abuse situation, the temporary relief of antidepressants could be useful - helpful - and aid in the recovery of the individual.

However, for a person who is sad or angry, or bored, or what have you, giving that person antidepressants is like telling them they don't have a reason to feel the emotions that rightfully come from certain situations. I may be sad or angry  because my marriage ended and remorseful because of the choices I've made and YES, depressed because of the weight I have gained due to my compulsive eating, BUT NO I should not take antidepressants. Why should I try to mask very real, very necessary feelings?

There are too many people in the world who refuse to feel their feelings because they don't now how to cope and therefore eat copious amounts of food or become bulimic or anorexic or cut or name another coping mechanism. There are even more people who go even a step further to distance themselves from reality by numbing themselves chemically. Relieving the pain so they can pretend it doesn't exist or that there aren't underlying issues that are causing it.

I am not one of those people.

I am sure many people may argue that there is a very real chemical imbalance in my brain or body causing my depression and that an antidepressant would even out and balance those chemicals. I believe for some people that is fine. Not for me. I want to fix the underlying issues that are causing the chemical imbalances. I need to fix my issues with food. Not pretend they don't exist by masking the symptoms. I need to make myself happy. Not be made artificially happy by chemical enhancers.

So, to answer the posed question; No, I will not consider antidepressants although I would never rule them out 100%. I'm just saying I would have to be on the brink of insanity and without any other recourse.

*Remember, these are just my opinions. We all have them and I DO NOT look down on or think poorly of anyone who uses antidepressants on a regular basis for any reason big or small. I have a few family members who I love dearly who use them (though I don't believe they need them) and I don't judge. They simply aren't for me.



To merely explain the plethora of pain I am feeling as a direct affect of my food choices and subsequent weight gain might be considered redundant and believe me, no one knows this better than me. But I have to put it out there.

Lately I have had constant headaches, they radiate everywhere from the center of my skull, behind my eyes, into my ears, down my neck, around my jaw and even into my teeth.

My back is a contorted and dilapidated mess that barely keeps me erect most days. (I'll be at at least one of my readers smirked or smiled at the word 'erect')

I have trouble breathing some days. It hurts all the way from my esophagus deep into my lungs and sometimes the space around my heart aches. Physically. Worrisomely. I have acid reflux that sends acid into my mouth the minute I'm hungry as well as intense stomach cramps after I've eaten too much and I spend just waaayy too much time in the restroom.

I'm tired. So tired. But not just from stress and the activity level of my girls. I am literally fatigued. At any given moment through the day I could sit down and close my eyes and I would be out faster than you could snap your fingers.

Sunday my mom and I had planned to start eating well together but even as I write that I wonder 'how quickly will I fail this time?'

You would think that all the reasons I just named, not to mention the 2 most precious reasons in the world would keep me from eating crap.

Well, I think I'm just about at my breaking point. I got to this point at the end of 2009 when I tipped the scales at 325. I'm not far behind that and aside from the physical pain I am also feeling the simple discomfort of carrying too much mass. It's not a happy thing.

I was told I should hear something regarding this business venture with Metabolic Research Centers by Tuesday. My initial consultation with them was sadly eye opening and very possibly an aha moment.

Stats: 314.6 lbs
53% body fat (normal should be between 24%-27%)
40lbs lean muscle mass

That's approximately 145 lbs of fat. That's a lot of fat, especially when the consultant holds up a 1lb model of fat and it is bigger than my hand.

So, I'll be updating regularly now. My 2 week hiatus is over. Depending on whether I am counting calories or doing it the Metabolic Research way, I will be updating accordingly.

Stay tuned...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, May 13, 2011


There is a potential new venture on the horizon regarding this blog, my weight loss and a company called Metabolic Research Centers. I don't have any concrete information right now but I am super excited for what might be to come.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


So, I've spent some time away. 2.5 weeks to be exact.

When they say divorce is a roller coaster. Well, that is like comparing a garden snake to an anaconda. It is just so much more than a roller coaster. There is pain and you don't know why because there is also this relief and yet this agony and yet another set of feelings that can only be called emptiness because it is where the love and compassion and connection used to exist. And now there is just ... Nothing.

And to make my anaconda sized roller coaster worse, my ex-husband chose a slimy lawyer. And when I say slimy, I don't mean he's out for me or my blood. He's out for me ex's. I can't confide all the details at this moment but suffice it to say that at the end of this whole situation I would bet my (soon to be sold) wedding ring that my ex makes a call to the association of attorneys regarding malpractice.

My days have been hectic and stressful. If Sassy isn't dealing with secondary stress that she feeds off of me than she and Breezy are going at it like two professional wrestlers (toddler style)

Thank God they're cute because I've totally entertained the idea of duct taping them both to the wall. Ok, not really, but the image is kinda funny.

I still get a lot of texts from the ex and they are sometimes threatening and accusatory and other times they are straight up pathetic blubbering. It's very frustrating but because the judge ordered phone contact I have to just endure it and ignore what I can.

We've been going to church and while these past two weeks have not been exceptional, I really enjoy going. I go to get something, learn something and of course to fellowship with other Christians but I must admit that while our regular pastor has been away I have really had a hard time with his replacement. I feel ungrateful and petty but I just have the hardest time getting anything outta this guy's sermon. Maybe it's his hand motions or his random tangents or maybe it's his small but noticeable lisp. I don't know. I just want my regular pastor back!

Sassy really enjoys church and Breezy is quickly learning to part from me for the hour. (grudgingly, I think though)

Here are Sassy, Breezy and their 2nd cousin on the church steps a couple Sundays ago.

Things at home are blah. Nothing really new to speak of. We just hang around and play a lot.

Princess Sassy Pants

Dr. Breezy Loo

Aside from that, my little add-on apartment to my mom's house is coming along nicely. The framing is all set. Now to wire the electrical, call the inspector to make sure everything is to code and then dry wall and flooring!! Yay!

My weight is a joke. Quite literally. I have had another epiphany of sorts that I have read before but never truly understood the meaning of until I applied it to myself.

My obesity is not my problem. Rather it is merely a symptom of the true problem which is my compulsive overeating disorder. My goal should not be to lose the weight but to fix the real issue and then the weight will come off. Dont get me wrong, I totally get that even though the weight is 'just a symptom' it is a completely serious one. The same way a severe hemorrhage is the symptom of a deep wound. I get that the symptom can kill me as easily as the source of that symptom. I am just trying a new approach because suddenly, I feel like I have NO control. NONE. GONE. Into the wind.

But, as I've said before, I will say it again, I'll keep getting up. I'll keep trying. I will not fail because the only failure is to stop caring completely. And the part of me that cringes when I put horrible things in my mouth even when I don't want them, the part of me that hurts when I see the scales number rise and my pants tighten. The part of me that wants to be around for my babies. That part still cares and it will keep me from giving up. It will make me rise, no matter how hard or how often I fall.

So, here I am. Back in the land of the blogging. (that is, if blogger decides to work again sometime soon)


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, April 24, 2011


I'm going to be completely honest here.

I gorged on Easter candy today.

I plan to start a renewed plan tomorrow.

I am not at all confident that I will succeed.

I am confident that I will never stop trying.

I am ashamed that my weight has risen above 300 once again.

I am mad that I lost control that much for that amount of time.

I am going to do within my physical capability to control what I put in my mouth.

Psychology, reverse psychology, counting, humming, crying, screaming . . . it will all come into play.

AND immediately, I will be tested.

Tomorrow is Monday.

I have to spend 5 hours every Monday with the girls' dad.

I need to pray and ask God to help me. I need to pray that he allows me to be in control of my actions. I need to pray I don't feel the need to drown my emotions. I need to pray that at the very least, he gives me a tummy bug that makes me feel just nauseous enough that NOTHING sounds appealing. Oh please God . . . help me, especially tomorrow.

XO Kristen
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