Saturday, January 8, 2011

DAY 373 / JANUARY 8, 2011

I feel sad as I sit here. I know, I know, I know. This has been a long time coming. It is overdue. It's for the best. It will brighten my and my girls' future. But I can't help the sadness that washes over me when I think of the past 10 years. 10 years. For a 26 year old woman 10 years is a long time. Nearly half her life. Nearly half my life was spent with this man and good or bad there are history and memories. I know that is all they are. History. Memories. They don't exist in my present and they won't exist in my future. But for 10 years I have lived and often loved this man and fought to salvage our relationship time and time again. I feel that by releasing him and moving on in a way is like releasing my childhood, my adolescents and walking away from it. We were together since I was 15, nearly 16. I was so young. I learned so many things through him, good bad and indifferent. I learned to be more giving. I learned to think of others before I thought of myself. I learned that giving is indeed just as satisfying and often times more rewarding than receiving. I learned how to cook some awesome Mexican meals. I learned responsibility for others. I learned dependence and independence and the difference and when they are and are not appropriate. A lot of what I learned, I did not learn directly from him but from the situations we put ourselves into and how we reacted. I learned sometimes it is better to apologize regardless of fault and I also learned that apologizing without change of action is pointless and tiring for both parties.

I also learned that I don't know who I am. Not really. I mean, I know WHO I am but I do not know WHO I AM WITHOUT HIM. Who am I as a solitary person? ((shrugs)) Your guess is as good as mine. What do I like? What are my opinions? My thoughts have so long been manipulated and controlled by this man that I realized I order food because HE likes it. I say things a certain way so HE will understand them. (Even when they make no sense to anyone else) I beg and plead and cry for forgiveness when in my heart of hearts I know I've done nothing to be apologizing for, and yet I feel guilty anyway.

My future scares me. Not because I am afraid to be alone. I'm not. Not because I don't know what's in store. I like surprises. But because there are possibilities now. I choose my future. It will not be chosen for me. The options are infinite and that scares me.

FEAR

I have a lot of fear.

PRAYER

I need a lot of prayer.

This road I have begun to travel down may be short or long, easy or difficult, scary or pain free. Regardless, it is a road I am 100% unfamiliar with. It will lead me to a place I have never been and I will not be able to turn back.

I need SANITY, GUIDANCE, SELF-CONTROL AND PEACE

Thanks

XO Kristen

10 comments :

  1. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. For what it is worth, I think that you are very strong and brave and I admire your determination to face your future on your terms, free of your past and ready to move forward.

    I wish you peace with your decision and action. I hope that the rough spots won't be too rough and that everything goes through swiftly, smoothly and that you and your baby girls can move on and have a happy future.

    Please, tell us that you are making sure to get full custody of your girls and that your soon to be former husband won't be able to take them and abscond to Mexico and keep them from you. I really fear that in your case.

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  2. hi I am new follower. J ust wanted to send out a huge hug to you. Keep your heart wide open and the future can only be amazing for you!! Best of luck with everything.
    Robin
    http://1girlgettinfit.blogspot.com/

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  3. It may be half your life now...but I promise you, when you are 52 and looking back..you will be so glad you took hold of your life when you were 26 instead of letting the moths eat more years. Finding out who you are now..and not at 52. Priceless. You are going to like you. I know it.

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  4. You have my thoughts and prayers. I just want to echo what Christine said -- you will be so glad, further down the line, that you didn't wait any longer to make this huge move. Good for you, stay strong, and I think you'll like you, too. :)

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  5. It's totally okay to be sad, and scared, and whatever other emotions wash over you. It's difficult for sure, but the best thing you can do for yourself and the kids. You'll find out that who you are is strong and brave and beautiful. You're stronger than you realize, smarter than you ever imagined, and most of all - you are worthy of good things and deserving of respect and dignity. Kristen, we're here for ya!

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  6. YOu are going through a very tuff time and send you my paryers. You are brave and strong, you will come out of this stronger and wiser than you may think. I send you my prayer and I send you healing thughts for your heart.

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  7. I agree with the above posters. You took the control back before it was too late. Now you can look forward to all the new exciting things that are going to happen :)

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  8. Sending hugs and prayers your way! You know you are doing the best thing for you and your girls :) The tuffest times in life bring our your strength!

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  9. You are taking big steps that you know you have really thought through. Good for you - it takes a lot of courage to do so.

    Good luck with everything that this new year brings :)

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