Tuesday, January 11, 2011

DAY 377 / JANUARY 11, 2011

My emotions have been particularly high since yesterday's meeting with my attorney. Even though she told me I am likely to get everything we are laying out in my petition I'm really really sad to say the least.

I keep dreaming of him.

The good times and the special times are haunting me.

And even though he wouldn't believe it and you might not either, I know he's hurting and despite everything I still hurt when he hurts.

Part of me feels this inexplicable peace. The rest of me is struggling through one of the biggest onsets of emotional turmoil I have ever experienced.

My attorney stipulated that I needed a few things before we could officially serve him. Now, I am the complete opposite of my husband and I had these things 3 hours after I was told I needed them. Part of me is sad that I'm so efficient. My efficiency was good during his immigration. I was always on top of everything. It was good during my pregnancies and when buying our cars but all those events were expected to end happily.

One might argue that this event too is supposed to end happily but for me divorce = broken home = not a particularly celebratory event.

And so I almost feel guilty being so efficient on the journey to the inevitable demise of my marriage.

Thankfully my eating has not suffered. I am still on plan, though my brain is obviously not focused on weight loss. I hope my lack of obsession doesn't somehow reflect in the scale because I have been 100% on.

I guess I'm just feeling like a worry wart.

God give me the strength to change what I can, accept what I can't and the wisdom to know the difference.

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


  1. My husband calls divorce espeically one where children are involved a death that never ends.. you mourn the loss of a marriage and dreams.. but then there are children involved.. as was for him... he and his x are on decent terms.. the kids are grown the last one is in law school now.. but I can tell even at the family gatherings we have.. where we are all together even his x is there... that it haunts in way that I will never fully understand.. but .. that is just a part of life that is.. and we deal with.. We have our own life together...
    SO I do understand how you feel.. but I wonder if just per chance you might start thinking of this as your rebirth.. Your Second chance. to get yourself together.. raise your kids,, find a job if you want.. something that makes you feel really proud of yourself.. Become the woman you were meant to be Kristen.. this is that chance.. nothing holds you back now.. The process of divorce is painful and it will always be a chapter in your life.. One you will survive through and one you will not let over eating become your cushion.. Becoming the person you want to be.. the one you want your children to model themselves after.... is with in you.. it is time to let that person take control.. The strong one.. The smart one.. The Fighter .. not the victim.. The Winner not the Quitter.. I think with in you is the power to be fearless.. and raise your children in a healthy nurturing environment.. and you will even find a way to include their father.. in a productive way.. Have faith in yourself that not only can you recreate yourself.. but you can live the life you want too.. Seems to me you have a good support system around you... my advice.. Breath in .. Breath out.. and MOVE ON! you are worth so much more than you will ever imagine.. especially to your children who look to you to be their guide in this crazy mixed up world of ours...

  2. Yep, what Honi said! The mix of emotions is totally normal & understandable... ultimately I know (from reading all you've been through with him) that you are doing what is best for you and your girls... and honestly probably even for him. While the effects will always linger, you have the chance to move on and create the life you and your girls deserve. Stay strong!

  3. Aaaaw Kristen !!! I don't really know what to say except that I hope that you hold on to God during these times. May He give you the strength you so deeply need. ((((hugs))))

  4. I wish you peace through this difficult time and I hope the doors to the rest of your life are wide open to wonderful beginnings.


  5. The part about you being so efficient reminds me of myself. I do everything for me husband and when things aren't going well all I can think of is how awful it will be to have to admit that we failed. That we couldn't do it. That always turns me around.

    But every ending is a new beginning. Some things just aren't meant to be.

    Hang in there sweetie. I know how bad it must hurt. Time will help a little.


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