Wednesday, January 26, 2011

DAY 391 / JANUARY 26, 2011

When I wake up in the morning I have a routine. Potty. Then Buzzy goes potty. We change her out of her nighttime panties and into her big girl undies. Then we change Breezy. Then 10 minutes or so later after I have turned on Dora I change Breezy again because she has an internal timer that tells her to poop precisely 10-12 minutes after mama changes her nighttime diaper.

After this I make breakfast. Usually egg whites with coffee and 1gram fiber splenda. I am not usually hungry for anything more.
The girls share two scrambled eggs, and either toast with jam or bagel with cream-cheese. They drink their juice, play with their train set aka destroy it and watch a little TV. Nana (my mom) at this point usually goes to get her coffee that I mentioned in a previous post with baby vanilla scones which Buzzy calls 'stones'. She's only 2 and obviously it's a toddler word but she doesn't know how perceptive that little language faux pas actually is.

While the girls act like little puppies begging Nana for more 'stones' I read up on my google reader.

Today I was quite impressed at Allan's second post. It was as if he already knew what I was thinking and feeling. I won't say that his post was 'meant for me' but I was thankful that whatever provoked him to write it, did. It made me feel less 'hopeless'.

Anyway, as for yesterday that schedule that I spoke of was royally messed up. I won't go into detail what prompted my quick plummet into depression and self loathing but it happened.

I made bad food choices. Really bad food choices. I knew what I was doing and consciously did it anyway. I felt such self hatred and self loathing yesterday and I kept thinking about Allan's words about killing oneself and I kept thinking, good.

How horrible is it to feel such internal pain and hate to consciously think it's ok to kill yourself. To think, I just don't care.

Of course today's perspective is a180 degree difference. The events and actions that caused the pain may occur again but this time I will be prepared and more in control of myself. There won't be any surprises and I will not resort to drowning myself and my pain in food.

I also learned my lesson because the physical pain of eating what I ate was horrifying. A gut twisting burning aching stabbing pain I can't even describe that makes you wanna sit on the toilet till kingdom come or puke up your organs to relieve the agony.

I felt full beyond capacity and my back ached from the pressure inside my digestive tract. Not to mention the gas. Omg the pain!! Then there was the dry as sand and paper sensation in my mouth from having not consumed hardly any fluids. I think I peed 2x yesterday as opposes to my normal 6-8x minimum and strangely the lack of fluids only for one day affected me horribly. My skin felt dry, my lips chapped, my eyes burned, and my joints felt achey.

Today having already consumed more than 40oz by 10am and the benefits have literally already flooded my body! I feel so much better!! No achey joints, my lips aren't set on perpetual burn from being chapped and my skin doesn't feel like sand paper.

I hope not to have anymore days like yesterday. It was horrid. Today is better. Tomorrow will be better.





XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

9 comments :

  1. I have been there, done that and it is amazing how one day of crappy food can make you feel like just that...CRAP!

    I love this picture of you....you look so pretty!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oooh, so cute in your pic. Love it!

    Hey, you did a binge. You picked yourself up, dusted yourself off, and on you go. You learn from it (think of the triggers, think of how to avoid falling for triggers, work on the stress, work on the emo-eating, find alternate actions when similar stimuli come in, etc, etc, etc). You learn and move on.

    A new day, a new chance, right? Every day is fresh and new....that always makes ME feel good. :D

    ReplyDelete
  3. Love the picture. Been there with the eat now, pay later situation. Thankfully you recognized (and your stomach lining recognized) that you made a mistake and you are not going to do it again.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Your pic is fantastic! Seems like we are all MOVING FORWARD!


    www.lifeinsidetheblubbersarcophagus.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  5. That was yesterday. Today you have treated yourself better, and are feeling better. Keep sight of that.

    And you look lovely :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think that Allan is inspiring, but you should not compare yourself to him. He does not have two toddlers to watch, junk food lying around, an abusive ex-partner, and female hormones to contend with. Your picture if awesome! Do you mind me giving you some advice? Perhaps you should find pictures of Zumba dancers and make a collage of them to remind yourself what you want to do. Just a thought. Have a good day!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I feel the same way when I dont drink enough water. Great picture.

    ReplyDelete
  8. That's a really pretty pic of you.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...