After this I make breakfast. Usually egg whites with coffee and 1gram fiber splenda. I am not usually hungry for anything more.
The girls share two scrambled eggs, and either toast with jam or bagel with cream-cheese. They drink their juice, play with their train set aka destroy it and watch a little TV. Nana (my mom) at this point usually goes to get her coffee that I mentioned in a previous post with baby vanilla scones which Buzzy calls 'stones'. She's only 2 and obviously it's a toddler word but she doesn't know how perceptive that little language faux pas actually is.
While the girls act like little puppies begging Nana for more 'stones' I read up on my google reader.
Today I was quite impressed at Allan's second post. It was as if he already knew what I was thinking and feeling. I won't say that his post was 'meant for me' but I was thankful that whatever provoked him to write it, did. It made me feel less 'hopeless'.
Anyway, as for yesterday that schedule that I spoke of was royally messed up. I won't go into detail what prompted my quick plummet into depression and self loathing but it happened.
I made bad food choices. Really bad food choices. I knew what I was doing and consciously did it anyway. I felt such self hatred and self loathing yesterday and I kept thinking about Allan's words about killing oneself and I kept thinking, good.
How horrible is it to feel such internal pain and hate to consciously think it's ok to kill yourself. To think, I just don't care.
Of course today's perspective is a180 degree difference. The events and actions that caused the pain may occur again but this time I will be prepared and more in control of myself. There won't be any surprises and I will not resort to drowning myself and my pain in food.
I also learned my lesson because the physical pain of eating what I ate was horrifying. A gut twisting burning aching stabbing pain I can't even describe that makes you wanna sit on the toilet till kingdom come or puke up your organs to relieve the agony.
I felt full beyond capacity and my back ached from the pressure inside my digestive tract. Not to mention the gas. Omg the pain!! Then there was the dry as sand and paper sensation in my mouth from having not consumed hardly any fluids. I think I peed 2x yesterday as opposes to my normal 6-8x minimum and strangely the lack of fluids only for one day affected me horribly. My skin felt dry, my lips chapped, my eyes burned, and my joints felt achey.
Today having already consumed more than 40oz by 10am and the benefits have literally already flooded my body! I feel so much better!! No achey joints, my lips aren't set on perpetual burn from being chapped and my skin doesn't feel like sand paper.
I hope not to have anymore days like yesterday. It was horrid. Today is better. Tomorrow will be better.
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