FEELING UNWORTHY - FEELING LESS
I feel less than others. Unworthy of what I logically know I am worthy of, but emotionally tell myself I am not. I feel less of an adult, less of a friend, less of a woman, less of a participant in life and less of a human. I am sure it is not all directly related to my weight but I think a majority of it is. Or at least half.
In my life as an adult I have always had to answer to someone. My husband or my mom namely. With both of them it felt and often feels as if I can do nothing right. With my husband, I didn't do the laundry the way he wanted, didn't wash the dishes when he wanted me to or how he wanted me to. We didn't have sex nearly as often as he wanted and every time we would fight he would insult me, degrade me and belittle me. I wasn't a good wife, I was a slob, I was stupid, I didn't know how to do anything. I was less of a woman because I didn't cook 3+ meals a day. I was less of a wife because I took my children to visit my family instead of waiting on pins and needles for him to get home from work. I was less of an adult because I preferred to argue and get it all out on the table than to hold it in and harbor resentment. With my mom, I am still a slob - so maybe that is true. I don't clean to her liking. Thankfully this is generally all she harps on me about. Except the rare times when she steps in and tries to control how I raise my children. That's when the hairs on the back of my neck really stand on end and I will fight back. Regardless, though, I have never felt independent. I have never felt confident in my decisions, always just waiting for the person who will question me. The person who will make me question myself.
In my current life I have very few 'in real life friends'. Having toddlers, being a single mom and living with your parents is not the way to have a flourishing social life. Not that I need or want one. Most of my friends who I feel I have a common interest and connection with are actually via the Internet whether it be people I met when I was pregnant, or people I have met on this weight loss journey. I have also met some people through Zumba and this is where things get tricky for me. It is so strange how I go from feeling as if I am on an even playing field with someone to feeling so vastly inferior.
Two examples are these:
There is a person in the blog world who I feel a connection to. She is a great person and we have a lot in common. Literally like a ton in common! The difference between her and me, though, is she has been far more successful on this weight loss journey than I have been. Perhaps it is a built in defense mechanism from being teased all my childhood and teen years but because she now lives in the world of the 'thin', I find it very difficult not to feel inferior. She is also married, and while my marriage isn't over (yet) I also feel inferior because of this. Stupid? Yes. Irrational? Absolutely. Still how I feel? Yep.
Another example is someone in my real life. She is in an authoritative position, but I love her. She has invited me out to lunch. Has invited me to her house and I agree half heartedly with a smile on my face but never make any attempt to go through with the invitations. I feel inferior to her. Too her small body. Her marriage. Her children. Her BIG house and her good heart? I feel like I don't deserve to be friends with a person as good as she is. Why? I honestly don't know. Again, the thought process is irrational and possibly quite immature, but it's how I feel.
And it sucks.
I've always felt less a woman. Being with a Mexican man who was born and raised in Mexico, he (I think) expected all women to be like Mexican women and he has always openly compared me to his ex-girlfriends. Well, if you were 'so and so' you would have done this and if you were 'so and so' you would have done this differently and if you were 'so and so' you never would have said or done that. I have had this line reiterated to me, time and time again over the last ten years. "Mejor, hubiera buscado una mexicana para tener alguien que me entiende y alguien que sepa hacer las cosas bien," which means, he would have been better off finding a Mexican girl who would have understood him and been able to do things well. If I had a dime for every time he said that to me I would be a rich rich rich RICH woman. He always used to tell me I was a 'spoiled American girl'. That I didn't understand true poverty, true hunger, true sacrifice. He told me that the girls he worked with did. They passed through the filthy rivers, they starved and went without sleep for nights to get into this country (illegally). They understand him. They can relate to him. And whether this should or should not make me feel bad, it does. Whether it should or should not, I have always felt less.
He has always reiterated (for what reason I am not sure) how fantastic his ex-girlfriend's bodies were. How they were short and slender with round butts and firm boobs. "Tenia un cuerpaso bien bonito," (she had a bangin' beautiful body) he said of his most recent ex one night after we had just made love. I cried myself to sleep that night, feeling so inadequate.
I always felt like I could never add up. I could never be what he wanted me to be. Thin, a better cook, a better housekeeper, Mexican. I could never be Mexican. The others I could attempt but I could never change my ethnicity and how I was brought up to please him. I always felt less. So much less.
In life, in general, I feel inactive. Like someone has pushed the pause button on me but the scenery is still playing. Everything is still happening around me but no matter how hard I push myself into the scenery it moves away to remain the background while I remain frozen in pause. I feel stagnant and alone.
Sorry this is such a downer post. I had to get this out. It still doesn't truly lift the weight of how I feel off my shoulders because I don't feel like anyone could understand exactly how I feel. I am sure there are women out there, though. Perhaps even in this community of weight loss. Who knows?
I'm done now though.