Feeling like a failure?
As a mother?
At losing weight?
As a human?
Do I want to talk about my family?
None if it hits the nail on the head.
Maybe I want to confess that once again the "just let me kill myself slowly or quickly by suffocating myself with food" monster has overwhelmed my mind again.
Maybe I want to talk about how mad I am that my mom and stepdad and sister keep so much crap in the house. Entire half chocolate cakes. Another entire half if lemon glazed bunt cake. Chocolate chip muffins. Girl scout thin mint cookies.
Maybe I'm mad at myself for having no desire to put myself into Allan's phase 5. It would force me to push myself.
Maybe I want to talk about feeling like I'm all alone. In parenting and in so many other aspects of life.
Maybe I'm feeling resentful that I don't have enough me time and no one seems to think I need it or deserve it. I keep thinking, if only I could go to zumba 3x a week I would feel like it was for a reason. I keep thinking if I only could take a walk sans children every night so I wouldn't have to stop I might feel the benefits of real exercise. I keep thinking. But regardless of how much I think, the facts remain the same. I only have a babysitter 1x a week for zumba. 2x are a very rare occasion. I don't have a gym to go to and walking includes constant stops to pick up thrown or dropped toys, to stop fights etc.
Maybe I wanna talk about feeling claustrophobic. My girls and I share and very small bedroom. 2 toddler beds, a single bed and toys. Mountains of toys. When we aren't sardined in there we share the house with 3 other adults. A 1300-1500 sq ft house with 3 bedrooms and two bathrooms with 4 adults and two toddlers is not exactly ample living conditions. Don't get me wrong. I'm blessed. I could be living with my husband in a bedroom, stuck in a bedroom all day and all night but I still feel cramped. Grateful, but cramped.
Maybe I want to talk about how I'm a hypocrite. In so many ways. Weight loss, parenting, marriage. I feel like I talk the talk all the time but when it comes to walking the walk I crumble after the first few steps.
Maybe I want to talk about MY anger issues. Then again maybe I shouldn't.
None of it feels right.
All of it feels wrong.
Everything feels wrong.
And now my smallest child is awake and I must go tend to her.
Maybe I need to just shutup and try to appreciate life and what it has given me.
She fell back to sleep
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