If you have been reading my blog for any length of time there are some thing you are bound to know about me:
1. Foremost, I am fat. Not as fat as I once was, but still fat. Obese. Yeah.
2. I am a glutton for punishment in many areas of my life.
3. I yo-yo between great motivation and even greater self abhorrence
4. I have intense opinions on various subjects and often speak about them here regardless of the controversy it may provoke.
So, this post will probably include a lot of what we already know about me. I am not sure how my words will be interpreted. Whiny? Complaining? Full of self pity? Confusing? All over the place? Random rambling? I don't know, but I feel the need to get it out.
If you have been reading for any length of time you know that I was in the process of divorcing from my husband.
I'm not anymore.
In come the gasps and the eye rolls and a myriad of other horrified reactions and I don't blame you. They are all merited.
My husband begged me to reconsider. I spoke with my attorney about it and she told me that she would hold my case exactly where it is if I decided that things could not be reconciled.
I guess I should write exactly what I am feeling and right now my emotions, feelings, etc. are on a literal roller coaster. 5 minutes ago I was very motivated to write this post. I felt passionate about the things I wanted to say but something clicked over and my 'who the hell cares' attitude just swallowed me.
Why am I writing this?
It would be nice if it was continuously cathartic to blog but my mind's definition of cathartic seems to change with the wind.
Yesterday, when I read that Allan had canceled Phase 4 of his challenge, I felt ... I don't know what I felt. Angry. Irritated? Frustrated? A conglomeration of all those and more?
I don't know what provokes my reactions sometimes. Was it something traumatic as a child that I have blocked out? Is it something I remember as less traumatizing than it actually was? Is it just who I am **bat shit crazy?**
I e-mailed Allan saying that it sucked (that he was ending the challenge) but resigned myself to the idea. Then today he changes his mind. Phase 5 will start on Monday.
I'VE HAD IT UP TO TEN MILES ABOVE MY HEAD WITH CONFLICT.
From actual fighting with my husband to someone changing their mind again and again and again to my oldest child who's favorite word is NO and she screams it at me on a regular basis.
I have so much contradiction and conflict and confusion in my daily life.
I don't want more.
I suppose some might argue that I bring the contradictions and the conflict and confusion upon myself. That might very well be true. I'm so tired of living inside my brain though. So tired of worrying and second guessing and wondering.
What am I doing wrong? What could I do better? Why do I insist on self sabotage? Why can't I just do what I need to do?
I hate thinking that there are always ulterior motives beneath someone's seemingly good intentions. (Namely my husband but so many other people too)
I hate feeling so out of control. Regardless of the fact that I know I am actually in control. Most often I feel very out of control.
The culmination of all of this is that now I am sick. There is so much pressure behind me eyes and nose it feels like my brain my explode out the back of my head. My throat feels like I took razors to it every time I swallow. The snot is free flowing.
To make things even more fun, my oldest is sick too and she is the kind of child that whines about everything. You'd think she was dying because she has a hang nail.
So, my life is no fun right now.
I'm so irritated and so agitated.
Example: My oldest keeps fidgeting. Throwing her blanket around. Rubbing her arms and legs all along the couch repeatedly. Flipping and flopping and sliding off the couch and then climbing back up, flopping on her pillow... aghhh it sounds like nothing and I know IT IS NOTHING but it's driving me NUTS!!
(insert rant about this frackin computer!! The cursor randomly hops to different parts of the post, so one minute I'm typing where I should be and the next minute I'm typing at the beginning - makes me want to yank my hair out)
It's sunny outside. That pisses me off too. Why does it have to be sunny on days where I have to be inside?
Murphy's Law right?
Yeah, well I'm done.
I need to go put Ocean Gel on my nose and Buzzy's and Blistex on our lips and change Breezy's poopy diaper and clean up the train tracks that are all over the floor so none of us stub our toes and then I need to maybe make some theraflu and . . . a mother's job is never done. Regardless if she feels like I do.