Wednesday, February 2, 2011

DAY 398 / FEBRUARY 2, 2011

If you have been reading my blog for any length of time there are some thing you are bound to know about me:

1. Foremost, I am fat. Not as fat as I once was, but still fat. Obese. Yeah.
2. I am a glutton for punishment in many areas of my life.
3. I yo-yo between great motivation and even greater self abhorrence
4. I have intense opinions on various subjects and often speak about them here regardless of the controversy it may provoke.

So, this post will probably include a lot of what we already know about me. I am not sure how my words will be interpreted. Whiny? Complaining? Full of self pity? Confusing? All over the place? Random rambling? I don't know, but I feel the need to get it out. 

If you have been reading for any length of time you know that I was in the process of divorcing from my husband. 

I'm not anymore. 

In come the gasps and the eye rolls and a myriad of other horrified reactions and I don't blame you. They are all merited. 

My husband begged me to reconsider. I spoke with my attorney about it and she told me that she would hold my case exactly where it is if I decided that things could not be reconciled. 

I guess I should write exactly what I am feeling and right now my emotions, feelings, etc. are on a literal roller coaster. 5 minutes ago I was very motivated to write this post. I felt passionate about the things I wanted to say but something clicked over and my 'who the hell cares' attitude just swallowed me.

Why am I writing this? 

It would be nice if it was continuously cathartic to blog but my mind's definition of cathartic seems to change with the wind. 

Yesterday, when I read that Allan had canceled Phase 4 of his challenge, I felt ... I don't know what I felt. Angry. Irritated? Frustrated? A conglomeration of all those and more?

I don't know what provokes my reactions sometimes. Was it something traumatic as a child that I have blocked out? Is it something I remember as less traumatizing than it actually was? Is it just who I am **bat shit crazy?**

I e-mailed Allan saying that it sucked (that he was ending the challenge) but resigned myself to the idea. Then today he changes his mind. Phase 5 will start on Monday. 

I'VE HAD IT UP TO TEN MILES ABOVE MY HEAD WITH CONFLICT.
  
ANY CONFLICT.

From actual fighting with my husband to someone changing their mind again and again and again to my oldest child who's favorite word is NO and she screams it at me on a regular basis. 

I have so much contradiction and conflict and confusion in my daily life.

I don't want more.

I suppose some might argue that I bring the contradictions and the conflict and confusion upon myself. That might very well be true. I'm so tired of living inside my brain though. So tired of worrying and second guessing and wondering. 

What am I doing wrong? What could I do better? Why do I insist on self sabotage? Why can't I just do what I need to do? 

I hate thinking that there are always ulterior motives beneath someone's seemingly good intentions. (Namely my husband but so many other people too)

I hate feeling so out of control. Regardless of the fact that I know I am actually in control. Most often I feel very out of control. 

The culmination of all of this is that now I am sick. There is so much pressure behind me eyes and nose it feels like my brain my explode out the back of my head. My throat feels like I took razors to it every time I swallow. The snot is free flowing. 

To make things even more fun, my oldest is sick too and she is the kind of child that whines about  everything. You'd think she was dying because she has a hang nail. 

So, my life is no fun right now. 

I'm so irritated and so agitated. 

Example: My oldest keeps fidgeting. Throwing her blanket around. Rubbing her arms and legs all along the couch repeatedly. Flipping and flopping and sliding off the couch and then climbing back up, flopping on her pillow... aghhh it sounds like nothing and I know IT IS NOTHING but it's driving me NUTS!!

(insert rant about this frackin computer!! The cursor randomly hops to different parts of the post, so one minute I'm typing where I should be and the next minute I'm typing at the beginning - makes me want to yank my hair out)

It's sunny outside. That pisses me off too. Why does it have to be sunny on days where I have to be inside? 

JEEEEEZZZZZZZ!!!

Murphy's Law right?

Yeah, well I'm done. 

I need to go put Ocean Gel on my nose and Buzzy's and Blistex on our lips and change Breezy's poopy diaper and clean up the train  tracks that are all over the floor so none of us stub our toes and then I need to maybe make some theraflu and . . . a mother's job is never done. Regardless if she feels like I do. 

I'm out.

Kristen

4 comments :

  1. Oh, Kristin. First of all, I am so sorry that you have what sounds like the flu. And it sounds as if you have my strain. It is a bitch. So be sure to rest as much as possible (hard, I know with babies) push fluids as best you can past that throat (owww!!!) and eat lots of hot soup. I found warm and hot liquids easier to swallow than cold. If you get a heavy, choking congestion, Musinex DM is fab. It calms coughing and it really thins the mucus so you can breathe.

    I can't judge you for your decision to postpone/cancel your divorce proceedings. I am not going to sit here and blow smoke up your ass and tell you that I am delighted. But it isn't my place to tell you how to live your life. I will say this, as a woman in a manipulative, controlling marriage, I see the signs and I honestly believe that you were manipulated and conned into making this decision. I can see the signs so very clearly. Because they are constantly waving in front of my own face. I have my reasons for staying put, for the time being. You also have your reasons for your decision. And I feel compelled to respect your reasons and offer you support.

    Kristin, I wish only the very best for you. A calm, peaceful, happy life. Safety and joy for you and your baby girls. And ultimately, only you can make that happen. In your marriage or out of it. Please know that there is someone out here who is pulling for you, whatever you do.

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  2. I'm a person who values security and tranquility above a lot of things--most things--so I hate being jerked around by anyone, so yeah, I understand that feeling. I can be so insecure myself that it dives into indecisiveness, but I do try not to jerk people around and not involve them in my insecurities.

    As it is, it's your marriage and life to do with as you please. Yes, many of us will roll the eyes, but we won't be surprised. You've done the "will divorce/won't divorce" thing so many times, we sort of expect it, honestly.

    We all make our decisions and live with them as best we can or as worst we can, depending.

    I hope the best for you and the girls, for sure. I don't believe hubby has changed, so I don't think you'll find great joy there, but one can hope for miracles.

    Ja ne

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  3. In a kind of sick way its nice to know there's someone out here who seems as angry as I feel. Most of the time I'm so irritated by everything I'm not even sure where it started. And then I feel like a bad person and a bad mother because I'm mad all the time and stessed out. This causes more stress and more anger and it gets me no where fast, but I see it now when i didn't before, thats a step in the right direction, you see your anger and you feel your emotions and you have a right to all of them. The things your dealing with aren't easy, and the past has taught you not to trust, but you can always trust yourself if you own your emotions and work through them, I box because it feels good to punch at something, hopefully you can find something that makes you feel good(I don't hit people by the way, although I think it would feel even better most days!)

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  4. I don't know where to begin. I so relate to this. All the conflict in life IS so confusing and irritating to say the least. I SO feel like I am going to explode. What tops it off is my best friend is blowing me off so I have NO ONE to talk to. It sucks. I GET IT.

    What we have to remember is the important things. Our family and our health. I feel if I can keep those somewhat in line, then I at least have a chance at some sort of happiness. I GET the frustration of Allans challenge being cancelled and then restarted. He totally messed with our minds. At first I wasn't going to re-join just for the principle of it but I KNOW that the information he is giving is right and it will eventually work. I NEED those weekly packets with weekly goals. Yes, I (and you) certainly could do it alone but as long as someone is offering support (for free), lets take it. I urge you to re-join Allans challenge. For your health. And happiness.

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