Sunday, February 6, 2011

DAY 40(2) / FEBRUARY 6, 2011

14 steps (pounds) forward (lost) and then almost 9 steps (pounds) back (gained). FUCK!

I hate me. I hate my brain. I hate my issues. I hate my lack of will. My lack of strength. My lack of persistence.

I HATE that I was so heavily influenced by the cancellation of Phase 4.

I HATE that I even use that as an excuse!

Broken record.

I'm a stupid, annoying broken record.

So here is my starting weight for Phase 5.


I'll be putting a Phase 5 ticker up tonight.

Off to wallow and get ready to bake some potatoes for everyone else and cook up some ribs for everyone else and wallow some more.

Word of the day!

FUCK!

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

16 comments :

  1. I know you want to lose weight. I know it is hard. You must think positive and not set yourself up for failure before you even start. It seems like you are already defeated in your mind.

    I hope for the best with you on Phase 5. Even if Phase 5 stops like Phase 4 did, it doesn't mean you have to stop. Are you losing weight for a challenge or yourself? Life gets in the way sometimes, but life will always get in the way and you have to figure out if you want to keep moving forward or keep taking steps backward. I know you have had a hard time lately with personal issues but I know for a fact that food doesn't solve problems. It covers problems up that will still be there later. You choose what you want to do. You choose what goes in your mouth. That's the biggest lesson I've learned.

    My life has changed so much since I stopped giving food power over what I want out of my life.

    Good luck Kristen. I'm rooting for you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You can do this!

    Something that has REALLY helped me figure out when I REALLY hungry or when I'm eating for another reason is that if I "think" I'm hungry and it's not time to eat something, I drink a huge glass of water. Then wait. If I'm really hungry, then I'm still hungry....if I'm not, I'm starting to realize it more and more.

    It's hard but YOU CAN DO THIS! Do it for YOU!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. My scale went up too. It's not fun. Even if this challenge stops again, you need to have the attitude that you are doing this for yourself, not for JUST the challenge. The challenge is here to help and guide us, not to make every choice in our lives. The prize is to lose weight and get healthy. Nothing should stand in the way of that. Keep positive.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Try to develop that alternate route...the thing you do when the stress or anger or frustration or sadness strikes. For a lot of us big gals, the route is to the kitchen, the pantry, the candy bowl, the fridge, the phone to order delivery pizza or chinese.

    It begins with awareness of the path--the way your brain is directing you to move. It might be this: Bad text dialogue on phone with hubby, urge to eat, body starts moving to the fridge.

    To break the circuitry and start to re=establish new habits of reaction, for a while, for weeks, maybe months, you have to actively be introspective about your reactions. What do you DO and THINK when you are in one of those emo/stress/reactive/habit moments? Do you start walking to the kitchen? Do you just scope out the fridge? Do you have a stash of snacks you head to? Do you look at take-out menus? Do you get the car keys to drive to get something?

    At that point, break the circuit. Actively establish the ALTERNATE ROUTE....force yourself to do particular non-eating activities. Say to the girls, "Let's play 'dance with mommy'" or pick up a motivating book and start reading then and there, or start singing, or do knitting, or go outside and breathe, or march in place for 10 minutes. Whatever it is, it has to be something accessible that's a DIFFERENT non-eating thing. Call a friend. Blog an entry. Anything.

    Try that. I find it helps when I wanna emotionally eat and it retrains the brain to see a different, non-eating act as the habit for emotional moments.

    Best of luck with P5, babe.

    ReplyDelete
  5. The emotional part of losing weight is so hard! It's such a head game sometimes. But you really need to be nicer and more forgiving to yourself because that will seriously help you in the long run. Feeling guilty and beating yourself up will probably only lead to more unhealthy choices.

    What are the phases? What program are you doing?

    ReplyDelete
  6. You are not stupid. You are not annoying. Get used to the fact that you are human, dearie. As a human being you are going to... *gasp!* Make mistakes. Fuck up. Have bad days.

    But as a human, you have the brain and the heart to rebound, learn from your mistakes and move forward, stronger, smarter and even more together than last time.

    I recently had a Fuck! day, myself. I beat myself up over it and now I am moving on. Come along. :D

    ReplyDelete
  7. you gained 9 pounds in one week? (correct me if i am wrong).

    honey...its not your brain that is the problem...its your mouth.

    2970 cals a day to maintain your weight.
    31500= 9 pounds.
    Thats 52290 cals this week...thats over 7000 cals a day.

    Do that math. Something else needs to be going on apart from Allan canceling Phase 4.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hey - just my 5 cents that doesn't mean much to anyone but myself - When I started reading your blog, you had lost X amount of weight "on your own"...And you were doing pretty darn good.

    Then, I noticed you joining a lot of Allan's challenges, etc. And when you'd fudge them up, you would feel really guilty, and binge, etc.

    I know when I try to go a route that is not fitting for me, I do this...I try to jump on someone else's bandwagon for extra support, it seems fun, or something else similarly...and typically, it gets futzed up, and I'm back where I started.

    You may want to think about that...I'm not saying that's what is going on with you..but it may very well be.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Kristen, this is just a bump in the road along your journey. Besides the 9 lb. gain - do you have any NSVs (Non-Scale Victory)? I hate being dictated by a scale--

    I might need to read up on what program you are doing? 9 lbs. seems like a lot. Weight Loss is more a mental thing than it is eating right (I am now 33 and JUST NOW getting in the right frame of mind.

    I wish you well my friend. Today is a new day!

    Look at it that way--take it one day at a time. Make it a goal to get through 1 day choosing to lose weight, you'll find out 1 day is not as bad as "gosh, I need to lose xx amount of weight.

    Anyway, there's my two cents. Oh yeah, thank you for visiting my blog AND becoming a follower. I'm soo very new to blogging and sometimes not sure if I'm 'doing it' right. :-)

    amomentwithkelly.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. Your word of the day is my word for every day! haha You're gonna have ups and downs. I know how bad it sucks. I get stuck and can't get out busting ass or not. You will find your way again. I believe in you!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I have to wonder how many times you can fuck up and people will log on and be all "I believe in you!" I mean, NSVs for REAL???? There is nothing to celebrate in a 9 pound gain. It's a time to suffer and LEARN and GROW and MOVE ON.

    Don't feel guilty? Are you kidding me? Some amount of shame and anxiety should be felt here. If I worked hard to build a house and then decided I was going to bulldoze that house, I'd feel ashamed.

    Seriously, IMO: Put up or shut up.

    It's not Allan's fault you ate shit food. It's yours. Big girl panty time.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I came in to check on you and find a couple of "tough" comments left by folks who can't bother to actually have a blog or profile. Wussies. Easy to snap at people incognito....

    When I'm tough on you, you know who I am and where I'm at and you've seen my face and know my name. So, I figure I can be tough with sisterly mojo. :)

    Here's the deal. Challenge or no challenge, it's about you. Allan or no Allan. All Allan can do is give us some cheerleading and motivation and an example. It's always on us.

    Sure. It's tough when "rugs get pulled"--and that's how the challenge cancellation first felt. BUT...eventually, we have a whole life of continuing to fight food demons. Even at goal weight--=the fight goes on. It never, ever stops. People regain cause they think the fight is over and it's not until you die. (I do have faith the afterlife won't have weight issues, heh.)

    So, no blaming husband, stress, Allan this or anyone that. It's about you. Deal with the stress. Deal with the uncooperative family members who eat crap. Deal with the husband who plays mind games. Separate that crap from eating crap. Compartmentalize or find coping strategies. Life will ALWAYS have stressors, difficult people, bumps. You children will bring joy and grief by turns, cause they will be teens one day. Prepare yourself!

    So, just buck up, face the fact that life throws suck ass stuff at us, and commit to not eating crap. Whether you do 1200 calories in the challenge until June or 1500 calories on your own , whether you Zumba or walk or tai chi or weight lift. The challenge will end and life and food go on.

    I know you joined the challenge, but even if it's cancelled again (God and Allan forbid), you can still blog, still email people in the journey, still do Zumba when you can, still dance at home, still walk, still cook good meals.

    So, please update the blog , cause some of us worry about you what with the things that assail you.

    Just focus on how great you'll feel in four months, in a year, in two years, for your girls' weddings when you'll be slimmer/stronger/healthier. That's the prize....eyes on it!

    Later...

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am not anonymous. I sign in with my google account and that is the name on my email. I can't help it. But my name is Jenn...does that make it easier not to discount my comments?

    I don't have a blog or have ever blogged. I was not aware that in order to comment it was necessary to have a blog.

    I read and comment. I have been reading this blog since the beginning so I am not just some random trying to stir it up.

    What do you want to know about me? age? sex? location? occupation? how I have lost weight and kept it off for years without a problem?

    Would those things make it easier for people to read critique?

    ReplyDelete
  14. HAHAHAHA!

    It cracks me up that Princess Dieter is saying the EXACT SAME THING AS ME, but since I don't have a blog (or will ever) somehow my opinion doesn't count. Or that I'm a "wussie." What are you? 8? My name is Carolyn. 10 years ago I lost 150 pounds and I've kept it off. I did it with NO MONEY, NO HELP, ON MY OWN. Want to know more about me? Too bad.

    Like T I sign on with my email.

    Truth hurts, doesn't it? Maybe that's why PD is coming all defensive. You know Kristen creates her own catastrophes and then looks around to he environment to lay blame. YOU KNOW THAT, PD.

    I do love that if you don't have some sort of confessional, self-absorbed blog, you're all of a sudden not a real person. That's really funny to me. I spend more time in the real world, doing real things. The time Kristen spends blogging, I'm exercising and planning my meals. I'll check her blog every few weeks just to see what kind of craziness has gone down.

    And don't start in on the whole If you're Not going to be Supportive, don't Read bullshit. Because this is the internet. You start a blog, you accept that people will critique you. Otherwise, close it off and make it by invite ONLY. And since Kristen's all "I can take it, I have thick skin," it shouldn't MATTER. Right????

    ReplyDelete
  15. Wow. Some hostililty there from a person who sees this blog as a fun rubber-necking opportunity "every few weeks".

    Some of us criticize Kristen cause we wish her well and want her to get healthy and succeed.

    Others want a sideshow act, I guess.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...