Saturday, February 26, 2011

FEELING UNWORTHY - FEELING LESS

I've been pondering this concept for a long while.

FEELING UNWORTHY -  FEELING LESS

I feel less than others. Unworthy of what I logically know I am worthy of, but emotionally tell myself I am not. I feel less of an adult, less of a friend, less of a woman, less of a participant in life and less of a human. I am sure it is not all directly related to my weight but I think a majority of it is. Or at least half.

In my life as an adult I have always had to answer to someone. My husband or my mom namely. With both of them it felt and often feels as if I can do nothing right. With my husband, I didn't do the laundry the way he wanted, didn't wash the dishes when he wanted me to or how he wanted me to. We didn't have sex nearly as often as he wanted and every time we would fight he would insult me, degrade me and belittle me. I wasn't a good wife, I was a slob, I was stupid, I didn't know how to do anything. I was less of a woman because I didn't cook 3+ meals a day. I was less of a wife because I took my children to visit my family instead of waiting on pins and needles for him to get home from work. I was less of an adult because I preferred to argue and get it all out on the table than to hold it in and harbor resentment. With my mom, I am still a slob - so maybe that is true. I don't clean to her liking. Thankfully this is generally all she harps on me about. Except the rare times when she steps in and tries to control how I raise my children. That's when the hairs on the back of my neck really stand on end and I will fight back. Regardless, though, I have never felt independent. I have never felt confident in my decisions, always just waiting for the person who will question me. The person who will make me question myself.

In my current life I have very few 'in real life friends'. Having toddlers, being a single mom and living with your parents is not the way to have a flourishing social life. Not that I need or want one. Most of my friends who I feel I have a common interest and connection with are actually via the Internet whether it be people I met when I was pregnant, or people I have met on this weight loss journey. I have also met some people through Zumba and this is where things get tricky for me. It is so strange how I go from feeling as if I am on an even playing field with someone to feeling so vastly inferior.

Two examples are these:

There is a person in the blog world who I feel a connection to. She is a great person and we have a lot in common. Literally like a ton in common! The difference between her and me, though, is she has been far more successful on this weight loss journey than I have been. Perhaps it is a built in defense mechanism from being teased all my childhood and teen years but because she now lives in the world of the 'thin', I find it very difficult not to feel inferior. She is also married, and while my marriage isn't over (yet) I also feel inferior because of this. Stupid? Yes. Irrational? Absolutely. Still how I feel? Yep.

Another example is someone in my real life. She is in an authoritative position, but I love her. She has invited me out to lunch. Has invited me to her house and I agree half heartedly with a smile on my face but never make any attempt to go through with the invitations. I feel inferior to her. Too her small body. Her marriage. Her children. Her BIG house and her good heart? I feel like I don't deserve to be friends with a person as good as she is. Why? I honestly don't know. Again, the thought process is irrational and possibly quite immature, but it's how I feel.

And it sucks.

I've always felt less a woman. Being with a Mexican man who was born and raised in Mexico, he (I think) expected all women to be like Mexican women and he has always openly compared me to his ex-girlfriends. Well, if you were 'so and so' you would have done this and if you were 'so and so' you would have done this differently and if you were 'so and so' you never would have said or done that. I have had this line reiterated to me, time and time again over the last ten years. "Mejor, hubiera buscado una mexicana para tener alguien que me entiende y alguien que sepa hacer las cosas bien," which means, he would have been better off finding a Mexican girl who would have understood him and been able to do things well. If I had a dime for every time he said that to me I would be a rich rich rich RICH woman. He always used to tell me I was a 'spoiled American girl'. That I didn't understand true poverty, true hunger, true sacrifice. He told me that the girls he worked with did. They passed through the filthy rivers, they starved and went without sleep for nights to get into this country (illegally). They understand him. They can relate to him. And whether this should or should not make me feel bad, it does. Whether it should or should not, I have always felt less.

He has always reiterated (for what reason I am not sure) how fantastic his ex-girlfriend's bodies were. How they were short and slender with round butts and firm boobs. "Tenia un cuerpaso bien bonito," (she had a bangin' beautiful body) he said of his most recent ex one night after we had just made love. I cried myself to sleep that night, feeling so inadequate.

I always felt like I could never add up. I could never be what he wanted me to be. Thin, a better cook, a better housekeeper, Mexican. I could never be Mexican. The others I could attempt but I could never change my ethnicity and how I was brought up to please him. I always felt less. So much less.

In life, in general, I feel inactive. Like someone has pushed the pause button on me but the scenery is still playing. Everything is still happening around me but no matter how hard I push myself into the scenery it moves away to remain the background while I remain frozen in pause. I feel stagnant and alone.

Sorry this is such a downer post. I had to get this out. It still doesn't truly lift the weight of how I feel off my shoulders because I don't feel like anyone could understand exactly how I feel. I am sure there are women out there, though. Perhaps even in this community of weight loss. Who knows?

I'm done now though.

XO Kristen

15 comments :

  1. Hey, I understand feeling inferior. When I was bigger I did...I went out of my way to be useful and funny...to be 'not a problem'.
    Instead..well, I pushed me so far under that I sank.
    But looking back...the weight was a symptom not the cause.
    Here is the thing about being the person that you admire. YOu have to believe it to become it...you have to know you deserve it. And the only one who can allow that is you.
    Your ex is a Dick.
    Not very christian of me, oh well.
    It is true.
    Not kind...but true.
    That is emotional abuse.
    Funny how even though he said this and that about mexican girls he didn't marry one...isn't it.
    If he had wanted a mexican girl, he would have married one.
    If you think he married you to stay in the country, then why does he keep going to mexico?
    He liked you...loved you...or he wouldn't keep hanging around. So next time he says some dickish bullshit..say, "then find the banging body and leave mine alone...asshole".
    I deserve BETTER THAN YOU.
    Maybe a nice american man who doesn't want a maid and a mother, but a wife and a friend.
    So f off.

    As for your mom...you live with her therefore are going to have to put up with the comments..but you can say "don't call me names." or "Don't talk to me like that."
    Draw boundaries with your mom.
    You are who you decide you are.
    I spent years thinking I was unlovable. That there was something wrong with me..to fix that WRONG thought i had to go back to my childhood and find out where I got such a crap idea.
    well...everyone I loved left.
    Nobody stuck around...not for me they didn't.
    I thought there was something about me that wasn't worth sticking around for.
    When all that time it wasn't me, it was them
    To find out if you are lovable...Kristen.
    look at your kids.
    If you were 'less than'...wouldn't your kids know?
    Do they love you?
    Yep.
    So guess what.
    You are loveable..
    So, now moving on...
    ask yourself...when I give love to my kids...do they give love in return.
    That's what love looks like.
    Anything else.
    Isn't love.
    If you pour love in and get nothing back.
    You need to flush that person from your life.
    They are soul suckers.
    The people who give back.
    Keep.
    that is just the very tippy top starting point on regaining your life.
    You are not abnormal
    you are not alone.
    and you are not less than.
    big hugs, and lots of love,
    Chris

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  2. You're right, there is no one who can understand exactly what you're feeling... your experiences and feelings are yours alone. But, I'm quite certain there are many who can relate in one way or another; I know I do. I have a husband and a mother who it feels like I am never enough for... no matter what I do it is never the right thing or never quite good enough. Its tiring and I know the feeling it brings spills into other areas of my life. I love what Chris wrote in her comment... she is a smart lady. You are worthy of all things good and wonderful that life is going to bring your way. And, you are certainly not alone. (((HUGS)))

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  3. I was married to an acoholic and mentally abusive husband for four years - I divorced him. It was a terrible ordeal and it left deep emotional scars. I say this only to say, you have a lot of abuse to deal with. I eventually sought out counseling and after several rounds I learned some things that have helped. If this is an option for you - you might find it extremely helpful.

    Even when I was thin, I still felt inferior. I think that is one thing that led to me gaining weight. Now I am fighting to regain myself - and focusing on the good parts. As I have gotten older I have come to realize, no one has a perfect life. Those people that seem like they have it all together - they are just good at acting or they haven't come to their "personal challenge". I strongly believe that everyone, at some point in their lives, hits some kind of wall.

    What your ex did to you is not acceptable. You feeling inferior is not acceptable either. You seem like a great person but you have to find a way to start falling in love with you again or maybe for the first time. (Talking to myself too)

    I wish you all the best. I know it is hard but you are worth it! Look at how courageous and strong you are already - writing a blog and sharing your burden. This is not easy.

    You have taken a big step in just sharing your feelings. Hope the days ahead bring some clarity and confidence!

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  4. p.s. your husband, or ex husband is full of crap. That is just his way of controlling you and manipulating you. You cannot buy into any of that - it's just b.s.

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  5. Very saddened by this, no one has a perfect life, but your husband or ex is mentally abusing you. he is mentally beating you down...he is a bully and harps on you so he does not have to face any harsh realities about himself. You deserve to be with someone whom loves you for who you are, encourages you, supports you, respects you. I went through a divorce and I know it is hard. You need to be strong for you and for your children....only you can make your choices but if someone is not helping you to be all you can be and are. I think deep inside you know what you need to do.,I hope that you realize one day that the only persons opinion of yourself that matters at all is yours. I know you can do this and I pray you find it, all the best. be well

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  6. I really can't say more than what was said already... Chris really said everything. ((HUGS))

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  7. I do have something to add... from someone who's been there. My hubby started out every morning waking me up to say "You're fat, you're ugly, you're stupid, and no other man would ever want you, so don't even THINK about leaving me today."

    I also went home with a toddler to the parents house. They charged me rent for a moldy basement room. They told me to buy my OWN food, then THEY ate it. They'd always treated me like sh*t, and I wasn't going to get any respect under their roof.

    Yes, it SUCKS to have to go to TANF, WIC, and other agencies. GO THERE. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. I know it's tough, and I know it feels awful to feel you have no one to depend on, but you can DEPEND ON YOU. Your self confidence and self love will rise when you're away from the abuse.

    Next, don't make the mistake I did back then. DON'T use the "I'm a single parent" excuse not to get out there and meet people. Join a single parent group. Arrange play dates. Hang out at local mommy and kid hot spots on weekends: parks, museums, aquariums, zoos.

    Your mom and your ex-husband aren't going to rescue you. There will be no knight in shining armor arriving on a white horse. BE the knight, BE the rescue.

    You can do it!

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  8. Your ex-husband sounds like a Class A Asshole.

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  9. Everyone except total narcissists or, I suppose, people with amazing skills or with little self-introspection, feel inferior at times. You always meet someone better looking, kinder, more affluent, more athletic, more accomplished. Always. The rudest, nastiest person you meet may be the best at their career. The sloppiest, most forgetful may be the gentlest and most comforting. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses and no one is fully superior to others. We all have blind spots. We all have gifts.

    Stop comparing yourself to the thin person. You can be that thin person. Work as hard as necessary to do it. Or accept that you won't be that thin and work on just being as healthy as you can feasibly be without going insane.

    Stop comparing yourself to the happily married person. Decide what the hell to do about your effec up husband and relationship. Me, I don't think it will be healthy or work out--barring Divine Intervention to heal his Assholiness and Your dependency or the Miracle Angel descends on your home.

    Seriously. You wanna be thin. Do it. You wanna be published, join a critique group online with similar genre and submit your novel to 100 agents/editors/slush piles. You want a good relationship--accept that your abusive husband is not Prince Kinda-Charming/Mostly OK and make a decision and stop going back and forth--I'm leaving/I'm staying/I'm leaving/I'm staying....

    I think amazing things can happen for you. Health, slimmer weight, publishing career (verbally, you rock), a happy relationship with someone who doesn't get a sadistic kick out of mind-gaming you.

    Tired of being dependent...then make your game plan and start the road to independence. It's not your mom, husband, whatever. It's your life and you are the main character. Give yourself a better plot.

    No heroines win the novel's climax by just blogging and whining. They get on the ball and make it happen.

    We all feel like crap and useless sometimes. Maybe a bit every day. I do. I have wanted to kill myself more times than I remember to count. But that's not a part of me I admire or want anymore. Screw that. I wanna win.

    Go win...

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  10. Oh, and Christine's saying your husband is a dick. No, to be more precise, he's a putrid, evil, manipulative, slimebag of a diseased dick. And do you wanna be attached to that? Really?

    Just asking...

    Cause there are way better dicks (nice, clean healthy, loving, supportive, honest ones) and the only way to have one of THOSE Saintly Dicks that add to your life and not detract from it is to get the Demon Ones out of your bed and life. :D

    And my pastor would have a cow if he saw this post....but that's reality as I see it. Some dicks are just plain toxic to a woman and need to be castrated....

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  11. Dude, as a single mother who lives with her mother, I feel you. I have one toddler, not two, but I totally feel you. It's tough.

    I think your ex would make anyone feel inferior. Do you think he was nice to those ex-girlfriends he talks about all the time? I bet he was a dick to the bangin' body girl. Believe me, he found a way to put her down, and he probably even made her feel bad about her body. The problem there is him, not you.

    Funny: I've had bad acne putbreaks lately, so I feel fat and ugly. We had to do presentations for my international accounting course a few weeks ago, and I had some lovely ladies in my group. There was a beautiful, petite Russian girl and a tall, thin, pretty Irish girl. I hated standing in front of the mostly-male class next to them. They're sweet, kind women, but I still felt like less. I mean, c'mon: They're attractive, successful, married women with great careers, and I'm the fat girl who lives with her mom.

    Chin up. People who make you feel inferior shouldn't be in your life, and the other people around whom you feel inferior don't see you that way. Try to view yourself through others' eyes. :)

    -Long-time lurker, new follower :)

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  12. Kristen, so hoping you had posted that you were feeling better. I am thinking of you often and wondering how you are. Let us know how things are going.

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