Thursday, February 10, 2011

NO ELOQUENT TITLE

I looked back tonight.

Back to the beginning of my journey. January of 2010. What was the reason for my then success and my subsequent failures up till now.

Up to today.

What was the reason I had no problem with this whole journey?

Well, I'll tell you.

First and foremost, I was doing it for me. To make ME happy. To make ME healthy.

Somewhere along the line I stopped doing this for me. Instead I was doing it (or rather NOT doing it) for readers, for Allan, for my husband, for the compliments, the attention.

Somewhere along the line, I STOPPED DOING THIS FOR ME!



I need to go back. I need to revert to my mindset of January 2010. I need to remember that this isn't about my blog or the readers of said blog. This isn't about comments or attention or anything other than me.

ME.

It's all about me.

My blog could cease to exist, all Internet contacts could disappear and my body would still be fat. My health would still be in jeopardy and I would still be falling, dusting myself off, getting back up, only to fall flat on my ass again.

So, I'll probably get called out in all forms imaginable. I am sure some will say I am giving 'excuses'. Others will say I 'don't have what it takes' and others named Carolyn and T will come to berate me some more. Because they, unlike the others, have no interest in my well being. They just enjoy the 'show' and watching me flounder. That's nice.

I'm taking myself out of Allan's challenge. I'm sure I will be called a hypocrite because of my open disdain for him canceling phase 4. But this isn't about him, or his challenges or the BIG PRIZES. This is about me and I need to focus on me. Not on challenges, or when I send in my weigh ins.

This used to be an intimate journey of me, myself and I. I blogged, made it public for the sole purpose of being accountable to people other than my family who would show me some tough love and hey, Allan, I would love if you could continue to do that.

I just can't focus. Like this. My days are full of children and children related activities, things, parenting, yada yada. I need to focus on me. Focus on my girls. Focus on us as a family. I can't do that when my mind is constantly on the computer, e-mail, blogs, and competition. This may be a race (because I get that I am slowly killing myself) but it is not a competition. I don't want to compete. I want to get healthy and not for any bigger prize than health itself. No one can do this but me and no amount of competition is going to get me there.

There will be many changes coming. Most unnoticeable, I am sure except to the people who are into drama. I am eliminating that drama. If you have words of encouragement, tough love or support, advice, whatever, feel free to comment as you will. Be assured, though, that if you belittle me, intentionally offend my character or my intentions your comments will be deleted. I will no longer be bringing to anyone's attention to the rotten comments, e-mails or what have you that I receive. They will be dealt with by me without the drama of displaying them on my blog. I will also no longer be publicly commenting on others blogs. If I have something to say to that person it will be said to them via their comments or e-mail.

I'm bringing this back to me.

This blog is about me.

About my journey to get healthy.

Everything else has got to go.

Calories will be between 1200-1500.
And I want to thank you Allan (no sarcasm) for showing me that eating 1200 calories or less sets me up for massive binges. Some of the foods on the Phase 5 challenge also set me up for binges. ie: pancakes and syrup. That's just one.

Exercise will vary but will include much Zumba as well as walking and other strength training exercises.

I plan to buy a heart rate monitor with calorie counter tomorrow.

Weigh ins will resume to the previously scheduled Saturdays.

And once a month I will do my measurements and take pictures once I have gotten below 270.

For anyone who I am disappointing, I'm sorry. Truly.

For anyone who is just rolling their eyes and shaking their head; 

I need to do this for me. 

I'm not succeeding now. 

I need to go back to what I did to succeed before. 

End of story. 

And if you don't like it,


And then realizing that it isn't my problem follows closely behind.

BTW - Princess Dieter, you are welcome to spread your tough love around this blog anytime you like. I know your intentions are good and your words often inspire me to move in the right direction.

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

16 comments :

  1. I'm not going to call you a hypocrite at all. I ran into this exact realization about 2 months ago. I, too, became mixed up in other plans that were never meant for me. I lost focus of what I was doing, and why.

    It made it easier for me to make up excuses, sadly. After spending TWO FREAKING YEARS doing this - and gaining weight the entire time, I got tired of it. I think my husband actually cheered when I got back to being "me".

    Anyway, this is getting long. I wish you success in your endeavors. And for those out there that will use this moment to spew their venom this way, they need to get their own life!

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  2. Kristen.. good luck in your journey. You have to do what works for you... and if this is what works.. then you do it! I definitely agree with a few things you said... one being you HAVE to do it for yourself. Not for anyone else.

    ((HUGS)) and you can do this!

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  3. Good luck Kristen! I have always found your blog to be motivating, and the struggles you go through are very close to my own. I hope no one "calls you out", because that's just not fair of them. This is a struggle, and you need to do what's best for you. I hope you keep writing because I love reading!

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  4. Good luck Kristen! I too enjoy reading your blog for my own motivation - just remember it can be 'all about YOU'!!! You ARE going to do this!!

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  5. I love that you're making changes that'll refocus on your journey. I love it. You need to find something that works for you and just do it. You're doing that now! Amazing job! Keep it up, sweetie! I'm proud of you for doing this for YOU. It's what you needed!!!

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  6. Oh please. Whine whine. If you don't want to hear the UNSWEETENED truth, then don't put it out there, darling. What happened to that famous "thick skin"?

    There was a time (back when it was the Fat Chick Weigh) I enjoyed participating and helping, and then I figured out that I would invest energy in your well being above and beyond what YOU invested. It gets tiresome to lead to Go Go Go cheer when you don't pony up your end. Your readers invest time and energy in you, and you should at least make an effort to stick to some kind of plan consistently.

    And for the record, your plan now is the smartest one you've had in awhile. If you actually commit to it, forget the bullshit, consistently track your calories in/out, and stop letting your addiction take over your life, you can only succeed.

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  7. DO IT!!!! You can soooooooo do this!!!

    Every dieter in the universe has EFFED up a zillion times. There may be a freak here and there who succeeded their very first time out on a diet, but I don't know any of them. The trick is continuing to get up, get up, get up and refuse to give up. One of those "get up" times is THE TIME when it clicks and the big big changes come.

    Let's all pray and hope this is that Big Get Up Time for you, Kristen!

    So, do it. We're cheering you on.

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  8. There was a time when I LOVED your honesty! Now, it's my turn to be honest...I began hating your blog, not really reading your posts just going through the motions of "following" your journey. I am not saying this to be mean, I am saying it because this is the most "REAL" thing I have read from you in a while. You are a tough chick on the surface, I love seeing this vulnerability from you because I can identify with it and I can glean from it and I can support someone on an honesty journey. Glad you're back!

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  9. Amen.. Glad to hear you are doing it for you. You deserve it.. Just this morning I decided that I need to take care of my self. Reading about struggles you have makes me glad I am not alone. Thank you.. :) As of this morning. I started on my weight loss journey. I have 100 pounds I would like to lose. I have only been following you for the last week.

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  10. You deserve to be healthy...for you and your family.

    Do it girl.

    DO IT!

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  11. I crumbled under the same sort of stress you write about today and came to the same conclusions, going so far as to archive my old blog and start a new one with a symbolic clean slate (and a bit more anonymity). Do what you need to do to get back that spark! You can do it!

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  12. Kristen, this is all about you and your life. I know what you mean about "getting away from doing this for yourself. I totally do. All the best to you. You can do it. You and your cute little girlies are top priority. Find what's best for you. It's nice to have support, but we all have to take this journey alone.

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  13. The attention from readers is addictive, I already fell into the trap after just a few weeks, but was gently encouraged to fall out of the trap and your post backs that up!

    It is your journey and your choice how you travel along in that journey. You don't owe us(readers) anything, if we read your blog and you succeed - hooray for you...if we read your blog and you go off the deep end and eat your way to China - then we learn the cautionary tale - be careful or this could happen to you. Either way - we are all just blogging about our journey - good or bad = at least that is how I feel..

    I totally agree about the competition part! This is a marathon and everyone that crosses the finish line wins a prize. Kind of like the special olympics, if we show up and participate we are winners. If we don't make it - we are not losers, we simply miss out on the winner's prize - but that doesn't make us any less special.

    I don't know if Carolyn is for real, since I am new to this whole blog scene, but I don't understand the whole negative feedback stuff. I hope you focus on the positive feedback and people who are obviously pulling for you. As far as the other, I think I would try to block that or at least ignore it. That is just my opinion.

    I wish you the best on your journey!

    Kim

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  14. Do what you need to and if you continue to write about it I'll be happy to read about it. I know how much of myown day is about my kids and I often have to tell myself to take a moment for me, so I totally understand where you are coming from. I hope you find the time for you, because you are the most important person in your own life, nobody can be you for you!

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  15. It's very important that you do this for yourself! Good for you for remembering that! :)

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