Back to the beginning of my journey. January of 2010. What was the reason for my then success and my subsequent failures up till now.
Up to today.
What was the reason I had no problem with this whole journey?
Well, I'll tell you.
First and foremost, I was doing it for me. To make ME happy. To make ME healthy.
Somewhere along the line I stopped doing this for me. Instead I was doing it (or rather NOT doing it) for readers, for Allan, for my husband, for the compliments, the attention.
Somewhere along the line, I STOPPED DOING THIS FOR ME!
I need to go back. I need to revert to my mindset of January 2010. I need to remember that this isn't about my blog or the readers of said blog. This isn't about comments or attention or anything other than me.
It's all about me.
My blog could cease to exist, all Internet contacts could disappear and my body would still be fat. My health would still be in jeopardy and I would still be falling, dusting myself off, getting back up, only to fall flat on my ass again.
So, I'll probably get called out in all forms imaginable. I am sure some will say I am giving 'excuses'. Others will say I 'don't have what it takes' and others named Carolyn and T will come to berate me some more. Because they, unlike the others, have no interest in my well being. They just enjoy the 'show' and watching me flounder. That's nice.
I'm taking myself out of Allan's challenge. I'm sure I will be called a hypocrite because of my open disdain for him canceling phase 4. But this isn't about him, or his challenges or the BIG PRIZES. This is about me and I need to focus on me. Not on challenges, or when I send in my weigh ins.
This used to be an intimate journey of me, myself and I. I blogged, made it public for the sole purpose of being accountable to people other than my family who would show me some tough love and hey, Allan, I would love if you could continue to do that.
I just can't focus. Like this. My days are full of children and children related activities, things, parenting, yada yada. I need to focus on me. Focus on my girls. Focus on us as a family. I can't do that when my mind is constantly on the computer, e-mail, blogs, and competition. This may be a race (because I get that I am slowly killing myself) but it is not a competition. I don't want to compete. I want to get healthy and not for any bigger prize than health itself. No one can do this but me and no amount of competition is going to get me there.
There will be many changes coming. Most unnoticeable, I am sure except to the people who are into drama. I am eliminating that drama. If you have words of encouragement, tough love or support, advice, whatever, feel free to comment as you will. Be assured, though, that if you belittle me, intentionally offend my character or my intentions your comments will be deleted. I will no longer be bringing to anyone's attention to the rotten comments, e-mails or what have you that I receive. They will be dealt with by me without the drama of displaying them on my blog. I will also no longer be publicly commenting on others blogs. If I have something to say to that person it will be said to them via their comments or e-mail.
I'm bringing this back to me.
This blog is about me.
About my journey to get healthy.
Everything else has got to go.
Calories will be between 1200-1500.
And I want to thank you Allan (no sarcasm) for showing me that eating 1200 calories or less sets me up for massive binges. Some of the foods on the Phase 5 challenge also set me up for binges. ie: pancakes and syrup. That's just one.
Exercise will vary but will include much Zumba as well as walking and other strength training exercises.
I plan to buy a heart rate monitor with calorie counter tomorrow.
Weigh ins will resume to the previously scheduled Saturdays.
And once a month I will do my measurements and take pictures once I have gotten below 270.
For anyone who I am disappointing, I'm sorry. Truly.
For anyone who is just rolling their eyes and shaking their head;
I need to do this for me.
I'm not succeeding now.
I need to go back to what I did to succeed before.
End of story.
And if you don't like it,
And then realizing that it isn't my problem follows closely behind.
BTW - Princess Dieter, you are welcome to spread your tough love around this blog anytime you like. I know your intentions are good and your words often inspire me to move in the right direction.
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