Thursday, February 10, 2011

TRIGGERS

I have really been digging deep, trying to figure out what provokes my binges. Trying to figure out what are my triggers. I'm a far cry off from figuring it all out but some things are blatantly clear.

I was born to a family of Greek/Lithuanian Jews aka eaters. Food is a huge part of both ethnicities' cultures and thus many of my earliest memories revolve around food, regardless of the occasion. My great grandmother loved to feed her family. I don't remember one visit to her house where there wasn't some 'goodie' ranging from pure crap like eggo waffles with maple syrup or canned corned beef hash and eggs to serious yummy goodness like homemade baklava and spanakopita.

As a young child I began dealing with hard relationships really quickly. My grandparents were having marital issues which directly affected me because I lived with them. In school I was either liked a lot or teased a lot and generally for my size. My mom got married when I was 6 and my life was flipped upside down.

Looking back, through all the hard times of my life I don't remember being particularly miserable. But only now do I see that it wasn't because I was incapable of feeling or because the things that happened weren't really that bad, but because my soothing medication to numb my pain was always within close proximity.

FOOD

I associate so many things with food and it's no wonder because through my life I used it to celebrate with me when no one else would. I used it to comfort me in sadness and grief and anger. I used it to numb feelings no child should have to feel.

I've been thinking about the specific trigger foods and they are as follows:

Bread and butter pickles, eggo waffles with syrup, corned beef hash, top ramen and those little hard strawberry candies - these all remind me of my great grandmother who I miss so much.

Chips (generally of the nacho or ranch dorito variety) cup'o'noodles, lunchables, and BBQ chicken pizza reminds me of school and insecurities. When I was new or had no friends or felt low food was always there for me.

Candy (red vines, milk duds, skittles and Heath bar crunch), and popcorn remind me of the family outtings to the movies that no longer happen.

Watermelon, sub sandwiches, and BBQ chips remind me of the pool and the California beaches of my childhood. hanging out with family and friends but being too self conscious to actually swim or take off my oversized t-shirt. I remember watching the other girls in the pool or at the beach as I stuffed my face wishing with every cell of my being that I wasn't a fat ugly mess so I too could enjoy -truly enjoy- myself.

All these foods (and so many more that I need to stop here or I will end up filling miles of blog space with foods that trigger me in one way or another) send me to places in my life that either gave me great joy or extreme sadness and pain.

I'm really trying to understand and work through the sadness and pain of my past.

Meanwhile the foods I mentioned above are just off limits. They are the perfect formula for a massive binge. It starts out with one food because it's there. It looks good and one bite creates that one feeling just from that one taste and then my mind explodes with the past and I move on to another trigger food and another until not only am I physically sick but emotionally exhausted from all the past I just forced myself to relive.

Today's calories:

Breakfast: 344.5
Lunch: 400
All snacks: 340
Dinner: not yet decided but not to exceed 400 cals.

Total:1484.5 (max)

Exercise: 1.5 hrs Zumba




PS: Buzzy (whose nickname I am officially changing to Sassy) had her preschool tour today. She loved it! And I loved watching her love it. It made my mommy heart pump chocolate!

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

11 comments :

  1. Thats a really cute pic and I feel ya on the triggers.

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  2. You also have to remember that if you deny all the foods you love it sets you up for a even bigger failure. I have read that a few of your favorite things in small portions are ok. Its all moderation. Just don't over do it. Say like a hand full of popcorn is ok as long as its not loaded with butter :). Don't buy big bags get snack size... Lovely picture and post too

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  3. Ohh I can soooo relate we share the same ethnic history...nay I am less Sephardic and more ashkenazic...( European) it has always been food food food...from Quasada to boyos. From mandel bread to matzah ball soup..from blintz casserole to ashapladas to bischos de huevo...from kugul to tzimmes... To latkas to sofganote...and a favorite of mne falafel and hummus on fresh pita bread with Israeli salad yummy......I could go on and on...it is hard to get away from it and find what works ...when I was in local high school I would eat to forget how I did not fit n....boxes of sugar cereals...to dull the loneliness for a while...ibis food in my room because my mm was always putting me on one diet or the other...pasts can be painful....living for nowand looking to the future...and knowing that you may not be able to control the world around you but you can control what you eat ...is hard to do... I wish you a great deal of luck Kristen...I know how hard it is....

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  4. Great post! This is so true. I just wrote about this exact thing on my blog. Emotional eating really is the backbone of weight gain. It's so good to finally recognize it!

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  5. In response to Kelly - I don't think you understand...a true trigger food can't be eaten in any small amount without it causing a complete avalanche of issues. Not until the issues are dealt with, anyway.

    There are certain foods that I can't have. Period. Well, unless I want to make a total pig of myself. I just can't be around it...and once I have that first taste....Watch out. You'll find me in a food coma.

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  6. Well if you have to choose one, a good watermelon binge probably wouldn't hurt. Just seeing that word on the screen makes me ache for summer.

    The mental work is the hard stuff. Good job slogging through it!

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  7. Good for you for your self-analysis! I am always impressed with your journey. You are tenacious!!

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  8. Thank you for visiting my blog and becoming a follower...I also used food as a companion through out my life, some days are better than others but we have to keep pulling ourselves through one day at a time...hugs, Jennifer

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