I was born to a family of Greek/Lithuanian Jews aka eaters. Food is a huge part of both ethnicities' cultures and thus many of my earliest memories revolve around food, regardless of the occasion. My great grandmother loved to feed her family. I don't remember one visit to her house where there wasn't some 'goodie' ranging from pure crap like eggo waffles with maple syrup or canned corned beef hash and eggs to serious yummy goodness like homemade baklava and spanakopita.
As a young child I began dealing with hard relationships really quickly. My grandparents were having marital issues which directly affected me because I lived with them. In school I was either liked a lot or teased a lot and generally for my size. My mom got married when I was 6 and my life was flipped upside down.
Looking back, through all the hard times of my life I don't remember being particularly miserable. But only now do I see that it wasn't because I was incapable of feeling or because the things that happened weren't really that bad, but because my soothing medication to numb my pain was always within close proximity.
I associate so many things with food and it's no wonder because through my life I used it to celebrate with me when no one else would. I used it to comfort me in sadness and grief and anger. I used it to numb feelings no child should have to feel.
I've been thinking about the specific trigger foods and they are as follows:
Bread and butter pickles, eggo waffles with syrup, corned beef hash, top ramen and those little hard strawberry candies - these all remind me of my great grandmother who I miss so much.
Chips (generally of the nacho or ranch dorito variety) cup'o'noodles, lunchables, and BBQ chicken pizza reminds me of school and insecurities. When I was new or had no friends or felt low food was always there for me.
Candy (red vines, milk duds, skittles and Heath bar crunch), and popcorn remind me of the family outtings to the movies that no longer happen.
Watermelon, sub sandwiches, and BBQ chips remind me of the pool and the California beaches of my childhood. hanging out with family and friends but being too self conscious to actually swim or take off my oversized t-shirt. I remember watching the other girls in the pool or at the beach as I stuffed my face wishing with every cell of my being that I wasn't a fat ugly mess so I too could enjoy -truly enjoy- myself.
All these foods (and so many more that I need to stop here or I will end up filling miles of blog space with foods that trigger me in one way or another) send me to places in my life that either gave me great joy or extreme sadness and pain.
I'm really trying to understand and work through the sadness and pain of my past.
Meanwhile the foods I mentioned above are just off limits. They are the perfect formula for a massive binge. It starts out with one food because it's there. It looks good and one bite creates that one feeling just from that one taste and then my mind explodes with the past and I move on to another trigger food and another until not only am I physically sick but emotionally exhausted from all the past I just forced myself to relive.
All snacks: 340
Dinner: not yet decided but not to exceed 400 cals.
Exercise: 1.5 hrs Zumba
PS: Buzzy (whose nickname I am officially changing to Sassy) had her preschool tour today. She loved it! And I loved watching her love it. It made my mommy heart pump chocolate!
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