With nothing to write except more depressing current life events, I found myself delving into my past. The part of this journey that was full of light and success and (weight) loss. I came across the following post and decided to re-share it with everyone. It really touched on some things I am currently feelings and is helping me to remember what it's like to be excited about this journey. What it's like to eat to live, not live to eat. What it's like to have goals and actually feel capable of striving toward them. So here it is . . .
A JOURNEY OF CHANGE
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France Tears welled up in my eyes when I read this. I don't know why. Maybe because it rang true. Maybe because in that truth I found my own fear. Every man, through fear, mugs his aspirations a dozen times a day. ~Brendan Francis This journey that I'm we are on is a journey wrought with change. So much change, in fact, it is amazing that we are able to wake up daily and recognize our own lives. The BIG changes aren't even so much physical. Of course there is the smaller portions of food, less calories, less sugar, less fat, less of this and less of that. There is change in our bodies. Less fat, more muscle, less retained water and more range of physical activity. However, while these changes, are our motivation - our inspiration - what keeps us moving forward, these are NOT the BIGGEST changes taking place in our lives. The BIGGEST changes taking place are the difference in confidence, the difference in self deprecation, the difference in the way we see food, thing about food and exercise. It is about the way we see others and the new way others see us. It is about finding who we are underneath the fat, underneath the comfort, underneath the shield, underneath the fear. I must admit, this is a really scary journey for me. I am nowhere near a number on the scale that I have never been before. Once I'm in ONE-derland I will be able to stake that claim and yet, still I find myself uneasy. Uneasy about my body and what people think of me and how people perceive me. Uneasy about my relationship with food and if it is healthy - yet. I feel guilty at times, but most often I'm not sure what about. I feel exposed, as though with each pound shed the real me is shining through and that is SCARY! Why? Because I don't think I KNOW the real me. Most scary, though, are my emotions. Somewhere along the way, I read this (I think it was on Drazil's blog) about feeling things more intensely once one starts losing weight. For people who use food to numb themselves, to calm themselves, to alleviate stress, to rationalize trauma, to HIDE and SUPPRESS their feelings, I think for these people this journey is the scariest. It used to be that when I became X (ie: happy, sad, angry, jealous, frustrated, stressed, etc) that I would eat. Eat to celebrate. Eat to mourn. Eat, Eat Eat!! Now, I eat for nutrition, energy and my feelings are left standing out there by themselves like nerve endings in an open wounds. With a band aid (food) the nerve endings are protected from everything. Sure, a bump here, a scrape there might send a little twinge once in a while but rip that sucker off and those nerves feel EV-ER-Y-THING! Happiness is confusing and anti climatic. How do I celebrate if I can't eat? Sadness at any level suddenly merits deep torrential sobs. The fuse on anger and frustration no longer exists. It's 0-150 in 3 seconds flat and there's nothing to stop you from ripping the head off the next person who speaks to you, or wanting to hang your mouthy toddler up by her big toes over the toilet, or thinking of serving up your dog/cat who just soiled your carpet - again - for dinner. You become a 1000 headed Hydra when someone looks at your significant other suggestively and stress on any scale could send you to the corner, crying, sucking your thumb, pulling your hair out and eating it. **This is all exaggerated for the purpose of the point. Please know I do not nor would I ever do the aforementioned things. That doesn't mean when I'm at my wits end that I don't doze off into dreamland and imagine them happening.
(REDACTED) And a closing quote: Reality check: you can never, ever, use weight loss to solve problems that are not related to yourweight. At your goal weight or not, you still have to live with yourself and deal with your problems. You will still have the same husband, the same job, the same kids, and the same life. Losing weight is not a cure for life. ~Phillip C. McGraw, The Ultimate Weight Solution: The 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom, 2003 The Fat Chick