But you knew that already.
Addiction as defined by Wikipedia is a long drawn out explanation. The part that specifically stands out to me is this:
"Pleasure and enjoyment would have originally been sought, however over a period of time involvement with the substance or activity is needed to feel normal."
It also states that an addiction can be defined as "a recurring compulsion by an individual to engage in some specific activity, despite harmful consequences, as deemed by the user himself to his individual health, mental state, or social life."
With that said, I am having a really really difficult time emotionally and mentally... Again. If this were all just physical I believe it would be fairly simple to 'just exercise & eat less + healthier'. There is no unit if measurement to explain how much I wish this were the case but want doesn't produce results. Action does and I feel almost... Incapacitated. I am my own biggest enemy.
I have been trying positive self talk. I have been trying to just DO IT. I have been trying to separate my emotions from eating and it just doesn't work. I don't know what clicks in my brain that just says,
Only to turn around a few hours later and be so regretful, so remorseful and so desperate to get back on track only to get back on track and have my mind flip on me again.
Yesterday was March 1st. I told myself I would give myself no excuses. That no matter what I would be on plan 100%. Not 50% or 85% or 99.9% but 100%.
And of course, as Murphys Law would have it, Monday (the 28th) was thee most emotionally taxing day I have experienced in a long time.
1) I had to enroll Sassy in preschool before the first day of open enrollment.
2) We had to see the girls' dad
Sounds like two pretty simple things to do. Lemme tell you, it wasn't. They weren't. Omygod Murphy's Law was in full full force!
First, I texted the girls' dad around 9:30am saying we would be able to see him. It has been snowing off and on and I was not about to drive the iron bridges and make a 1 hour drive in ice and snow. It didn't snow. (Sadly)
He also hadn't seen them in 3 weeks due to their ear infections and some strange throat infection he had.
No problem, right? Well, almost. I had already filled out all the application which was 20 odd pages. I just needed to get her immunization records and the registration fee.
Well crap. That meant that before we made the
So generally we leave home around 10:30 to see 'dad' and get to his house around 11:30. We left for the doctors at 10:00. I got Sassy's immunization record and filled out the corresponding worksheet in her application packet.
To say I was exasperated would be a severe understatement. But Breezy and Sassy were troopers. But that didn't help the underlying anxiety (read: intense gut wrenching fear) of how 'dad' was going to react when we showed up so late. Oh, by this time I had also misplaced my phone (There's MURPHY AGAIN!) among all the chaos and had no way of contacting him to let him know what was going on.
So, finally at 12:00 we were on our way to see 'dad'. An hour later we were there and the girls were hungry but wouldn't you know it, 'dad' had an errand to run for one of his nephews. Mind you, this nephew is 21 years old and perfectly capable of going to the Mexican Consulate to get what he needs done, done. We run this errand before we eat though, because 'dad' insists (almost angrily - but definitely irritatedly). We drove around for 45 minutes looking for the place (that he knows exactly where it is **rolls eyes**) only to find the trip was worthless because the nephew had to be there personally and the documents he needed stamped had to be notarized first!
Finally, we get to eat and 'dad' pulls into Jack In The Box (Fastfood joint here on the West Coast for those that don't know). Gagg!! He says he knows I can't eat there because I'm eating well but 'we have to' because he has yet another (urgent) errand to run for another nephew who is 18 years old (and could easily run the errand all by his adult little self). He says we'll eat at a real restaurant for dinner. I say, whatever cuz by now I am PISSED!
So we start back to his apartment and he realizes he hasn't bought food for his nephew. The 21 year old. I can't help but wonder why he feels a deep obligation to feed his adult nephews, but no obligation to consistently diaper his baby or buy training panties for his toddler. Hmm... something is off there. Anyway, back to Jack in the Crack..er...Box we go! Then we take the disgusting fast food back to his house where his nephew who we bought food for isn't even home. Gahh!! (BTW, the girls just spoke with him on the phone and he was complaining about not having anything to eat and then remembered his nephew hadn't eaten the food he had bought and it was still in the fridge - excuse me while I throttle myself because I can't throttle him!!)
We eat and the 21 year old nephew arrives home only to say he JUST ate AND he didn't know why we even tried to get his errand done for him. Come to find out the errand wasn't for the nephew or even his mom but his mom's friend in Mexico and it was 'dads' urgency to 'help' not anyone else's urgency to get it done. So in essence 'dad' made the girls stay hungry for nothing.
After we eat the putrid crap that passes for food 'dad' says he's going to take 18year old nephew to register his new car. Mind you, said nephew is illegal and was illegally given a valid drivers license by the crooked DMV here in Southern Washington. In any case he promises to be right back and 1.5 hours later returns saying that all the DMVs in Oregon and Washington are closed. What?!? What about the urgency? I guess it wasn't so damn urgent was it?!?! Because if it was NEPHEW would have gone on a day they were open!!
So after not seeing his daughters for three weeks and after being 'with him' for 3 hours he has essentially spent no time with his girls.
Which brings me back to the emotional eating.
My switch clicked off.
FUCK IT. FUCK HIM. FUCK ME.
Today, though, 2 full days later is when I receive the negative reaction. I won't go into the details but it was everything I expected on Monday. I'm just glad he didn't unleash it all while the girls were there.