Wednesday, March 2, 2011

ADDICTION & THAT WHICH PROVOKES RELAPSE

My name is Kristen and I am a food addict.

But you knew that already.

Addiction as defined by Wikipedia is a long drawn out explanation. The part that specifically stands out to me is this:

"Pleasure and enjoyment would have originally been sought, however over a period of time involvement with the substance or activity is needed to feel normal."

It also states that an addiction can be defined as "a recurring compulsion by an individual to engage in some specific activity, despite harmful consequences, as deemed by the user himself to his individual health, mental state, or social life."

With that said, I am having a really really difficult time emotionally and mentally... Again. If this were all just physical I believe it would be fairly simple to 'just exercise & eat less + healthier'. There is no unit if measurement to explain how much I wish this were the case but want doesn't produce results. Action does and I feel almost... Incapacitated. I am my own biggest enemy.

As I have said, time and time again I KNOW my readers must be sick and tired of hearing excuses and reasons with no progress and frequent relapses Believe me, I know how repetitious and frustrating I AM. I mean, I have to live with me and dammit if I don't/can't/won't get out of my own friggin way to get this done.

I have been trying positive self talk. I have been trying to just DO IT. I have been trying to separate my emotions from eating and it just doesn't work. I don't know what clicks in my brain that just says,

FUCK IT! I GIVE UP!

Only to turn around a few hours later and be so regretful, so remorseful and so desperate to get back on track only to get back on track and have my mind flip on me again.


Yesterday was March 1st. I told myself I would give myself no excuses. That no matter what I would be on plan 100%. Not 50% or 85% or 99.9% but 100%.

And of course, as Murphys Law would have it, Monday (the 28th) was thee most emotionally taxing day I have experienced in a long time.

Monday 2 things had to be done.

1) I had to enroll Sassy in preschool before the first day of open enrollment.

2) We had to see the girls' dad

Sounds like two pretty simple things to do. Lemme tell you, it wasn't. They weren't. Omygod Murphy's Law was in full full force!

First, I texted the girls' dad around 9:30am saying we would be able to see him. It has been snowing off and on and I was not about to drive the iron bridges and make a 1 hour drive in ice and snow. It didn't snow. (Sadly)

He also hadn't seen them in 3 weeks due to their ear infections and some strange throat infection he had.

Meanwhile, I am informed by my aunt who has 'inside intelligence' that it was the last day before open enrollment and I had to get Sassy's application in ASAP to ensure her a spot in a preschool class that has a cap of 14 students.

No problem, right? Well, almost. I had already filled out all the application which was 20 odd pages. I just needed to get her immunization records and the registration fee.

Well crap. That meant that before we made the stupid, god awful, unnecessary and tedious 1 hour drive to see 'dad' we had to make a trip to the doctors office, the bank (for the registration fee) and then the school.

So generally we leave home around 10:30 to see 'dad' and get to his house around 11:30. We left for the doctors at 10:00. I got Sassy's immunization record and filled out the corresponding worksheet in her application packet.

We then drove to the bank where I thought I lost my ATM card. So I sat in line for the drive through ATM for 10 mins, finally gave up looking for it and drove through the drive up teller where it magically appeared in my Jean pocket only after I had started the transaction from hell that would take 10 more minutes and that ended with a bunch of sales
pitches.

We then drove to the school where the real hell would start. I handed my application to the assistant secretary and she mentioned something to the head secretary (this woman, who I know personally, is a few tacos short of a combo plate) and the head secretary says, 'Oh, those are the old application papers. We can't accept those. I need you to fill out another application.' mind you, 2 toddlers in a very cramped office with other applicants and students and me sitting down to fill out another 20+ page application. I asked her why she had given me an old application if she knew she wasn't going to e able to accept it. She asked me when she had given it to me and I told her about a month prior. She then explained she had only received the new apps the weeks before.

To say I was exasperated would be a severe understatement. But Breezy and Sassy were troopers. But that didn't help the underlying anxiety (read: intense gut wrenching fear) of how 'dad' was going to react when we showed up so late. Oh, by this time I had also misplaced my phone (There's MURPHY AGAIN!) among all the chaos and had no way of contacting him to let him know what was going on.

So, finally at 12:00 we were on our way to see 'dad'. An hour later we were there and the girls were hungry but wouldn't you know it, 'dad' had an errand to run for one of his nephews. Mind you, this nephew is 21 years old and perfectly capable of going to the Mexican Consulate to get what he needs done, done. We run this errand before we eat though, because 'dad' insists (almost angrily - but definitely irritatedly). We drove around for 45 minutes looking for the place (that he knows exactly where it is **rolls eyes**) only to find the trip was worthless because the nephew had to be there personally and the documents he needed stamped had to be notarized first!

Finally, we get to eat and 'dad' pulls into Jack In The Box (Fastfood joint here on the West Coast for those that don't know). Gagg!! He says he knows I can't eat there because I'm eating well but 'we have to' because he has yet another (urgent) errand to run for another nephew who is 18 years old (and could easily run the errand all by his adult little self). He says we'll eat at a real restaurant for dinner. I say, whatever cuz by now I am PISSED!

So we start back to his apartment and he realizes he hasn't bought food for his nephew. The 21 year old. I can't help but wonder why he feels a deep obligation to feed his adult nephews, but no obligation to consistently diaper his baby or buy training panties for his toddler. Hmm... something is off there. Anyway, back to Jack in the Crack..er...Box we go! Then we take the disgusting fast food back to his house where his nephew who we bought food for isn't even home. Gahh!! (BTW, the girls just spoke with him on the phone and he was complaining about not having anything to eat and then remembered his nephew hadn't eaten the food he had bought and it was still in the fridge - excuse me while I throttle myself because I can't throttle him!!)

We eat and the 21 year old nephew arrives home only to say he JUST ate AND he didn't know why we even tried to get his errand done for him. Come to find out the errand wasn't for the nephew or even his mom but his mom's friend in Mexico and it was 'dads' urgency to 'help' not anyone else's urgency to get it done. So in essence 'dad' made the girls stay hungry for nothing.

After we eat the putrid crap that passes for food 'dad' says he's going to take 18year old nephew to register his new car. Mind you, said nephew is illegal and was illegally given a valid drivers license by the crooked DMV here in Southern Washington. In any case he promises to be right back and 1.5 hours later returns saying that all the DMVs in Oregon and Washington are closed. What?!? What about the urgency? I guess it wasn't so damn urgent was it?!?! Because if it was NEPHEW would have gone on a day they were open!!

So after not seeing his daughters for three weeks and after being 'with him' for 3 hours he has essentially spent no time with his girls.

Add to that the fact that he contradicts me at every turn when I scold or discipline the girls. Add to that the fact that he laughs when they attack each other, hitting, kicking, biting . . . he condones and encourages it all. I hate it! And add to that, that he is no help what-so-ever when it comes to the actual care of the girls (ie: changing diapers, taking Sassy to the bathroom, feeding them, clothing them, or caring for any other necessary parental responsibility, etc) (in fact he makes it MORE work, which SUCKS!!) So, you can imagine I was one stressed out woman come evening.

Which brings me back to the emotional eating.

My switch clicked off.

FUCK IT. FUCK HIM. FUCK ME.

Yesterday I took it all out on myself. The anger, the resentment, the sadness, the aggression and the fear (because the entire time we were together I feared the 'impending' negative reaction from being late ) I took it all out on my body with food. I abused my body to the point of feeling physically ill. To the point I wanted to vomit just to relieve the tension, the pressure AND YES . . . THE PAIN. Physical pain from being too full. From trying to drown it, numb it, kill it, and make it disappear.

Today, though, 2 full days later is when I receive the negative reaction. I won't go into the details but it was everything I expected on Monday. I'm just glad he didn't unleash it all while the girls were there.

Done here.



XO Kristen

7 comments :

  1. Sorry that your day was so stressful. The chicken pita thingy from jack in the box (which is now on the west coast ;)) is actually pretty decent in calories. Like not crazy high. hopefully things go smoothly from here on out for ya.

    ReplyDelete
  2. We all have done that. Used another person as the excuse for the food. "They made me go to Pizza Hut so what could I do?"

    This is what you can do: Create and print a list of the healthy and calorically wise options at all the fast food places and eateries you are used to being tempted by or that hubby/girls may want to hit. Pizza, burgers, etc Ihop. Whatever. Print that and keep it in your purse at all times. Only order from THAT LIST. The one that has the low-cal, plan-acceptable options. Order NOTHING not on the acceptable list. Once you surrender to that...admit that you can only have the options on that list..it's easier to go to those places.

    I made that for some of my fave local spots. Example: Thai place....only the green salad, steamed veggies, Vietnamese salad roll, and Satay Chicken appetizer. The option to sub Yakitori for Satay Chicken. The option to add brown rice if a starch is okay that day. That's pretty much it. I can throw away the menu. That's it.

    The Mexican place, same: Tulum salad with dressing on side. Chicken fajitas, toss the tortillas and ask for no sour cream or cheese and easy on the oil for grilling/sauteing. Aguacate soup (the one locally makes it very ehalthful and low-cal). Lime chicken soup. Maya Salad. That's it.

    So..do it for the places you may go to. What is good. The internet is full of tools for you to look at fat/carbs/calories for items. And you know to nix fries, nix fried anything, go for lean protein and veggies or salad, right?

    Well, in general, you know that planning is all. Have to have your plan on what you will do if A, B, and C occur when you are out. He will screw you brain again. Be ready for it. Be your own ninja warrior against the demon temptations. Arm yourself before leaving the house (water, snack/food, a book, motivational index cards, a notepad to write your novel instead of eating, whateer).

    As long as those girls live (and my they live long and blessedly) and as long as that asshole is alive and their father, he will mess with your head. As long as those girls are in school, things will come up that will try your patience. Be as organized as you can to deflect the craziness regarding food and mood. Learn to medidate on the spot, if you hafta. :D Breathing techniques.

    And keep a mommy calendar so you never do things on "the last day ". :) That's a recipe for stress...One day you will be employed and you will have even LESS time. This is the ideal time to get your act together organizationally.

    And yes, you can do that and more. Mommies are superhuman, I'm told. :D

    You can do this, sweetie.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The teriyaki chicken bowl isn't too bad, although high in sodium. It actually tasted pretty good.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I read the start and I read the end and I pretty much skimmed the middle, cause I know what your husband is, and I knew what was coming....and you should have known what was coming, too, which only makes me wonder why you continue to allow him to dictate your life.

    Why can't he come and see his daughters in a place that is mid-point or neutral and you don't have to drive a long time? A park or a mall? Where you'd have options? Or you could take a boxed lunch for yourself and the girls...so if he sayd "let's eat crap" you can say, "Go ahead. Eat crap. We have good food."

    Anyway...food addiction has both physical and psychological components--it has spiritual ones, as well, I believe.

    My advice: READ THE FOLLOWING ASAP:

    1. The End of Overeating (Kessler)
    2. Beating Overeating (Riley)
    3. Why We Get Fat (Taubes)

    There are lots of case studies/science about what triggers bingeing and overeating in the 1st and 3rd, some in the 2nd. There is advice on how to eat in all three. There are strategies in 2 about how to face the binge urge.

    These are useful. You want to start to understand about those switches and addictive urges, then read those three. Now. Starting Thursday. Download Nook or Kindle for the PC (don't have to buy the Nook or Kindle) and buy the ebooks and read them. It's a lot of reading, but it will start to give you hope and help you understand why your brain is your enemy right now and why every time you give in to fast food crap and binges, you strengthen the desire for fast food and binges.

    I used to binge until I was like that--wanting to throw up to just stop the pain of too much in my belly. I haven't binged once since reading those. Not once.

    It's a start, right?

    And in future, my advice: Plot out every meeting with the girls' dad so you have options. You have to become the warrior strategist of your life. Whenever y ou have to go somewhere and do things, assume Murphy's Law will kick in. What can/will go wrong? What is your back-up solution? As a conditioned overeater, you need to always carry an alternative food. Always. Be it a bag of nuts and fried fruit, be it beef jerky, be it a protein bar, be it a half-sandwich (for shorter errands). Whatever. You must always have your food option so no one can derail you, and so you have no excuse to BE derailed.

    Let's face it. You chose to eat the food. You could have said no, I'll eat when I get home. But you took the out.

    (cont in next post)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh, and forget the Teriyaki Chicken bowl at JitBox. It has 700 calories. For a dieter, that's half to more than half of what you can eat in one day and enough sodium to bloat you to hell and back. If you're gonna limit yourself to 1200 or 1400 or 1500 calories, 700 in one shot...well...unless you only eat 2 meals a day, that's problematic. The othe problem, once you read THE END OF OVEREATING, will become evident because of the 1700 grams of salt (more than the recommended daily under the RDA guidelines), the 133 carbs (what a lot of folks would not even eat in one day without forming fat from the insulin surge of that manyc arbs in ONE meal, not spread out). Im guessing they ahve none to nearly no healthy options. This is why you say no or take your own food or demand another option and refuse to be swayed. He will sabotage you. He wants to sabotage you. And that trip to JitB is all about sabotaging you. Trust me. I can feel that from all the way across the country... Control. He took it. You gave it.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I was an addiction counselor for a few years... If you need anything let me know

    ReplyDelete
  7. I occasionally have a salad from that place,but I make a healthier one at home. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...