Monday, March 7, 2011

FREEDOM

Yesterday, as usual, my girls' dad texted me:

(and for those who are new here, he texts me in Spanish so his texts are translated)

HIM: Tomorrow, what time are you going to come?


(for those who are new here and even for those who have been reading a long time, we have been going to his apartment every Monday because he had his car voluntarily repossessed and couldn't drive the 40 miles (1 hour drive) into Vancouver to see us. But after last week's escapades of having not seen his daughters for 3 weeks but then choosing to do other *more important* things while we twiddled our thumbs, something clicked in me. It clicked OFF. I decided he could take the bus if he wanted to see us. I won't be driving there anymore)

ME: I would like if you could come out here tomorrow please.

Insert cringe, and wait for the barrage of hate, excuses and berating

HIM: Are you going to come get me?

ME: I don't want to drive out there. I'd like you to come here please.

HIM: Ok. I'll get up early to go to the bus stop to see what time the bus comes by and I'll send you a message when I'm on it.

Insert my jaw hanging on the floor and my eyes bulging outta my head
ME: Thank you

HIM: You're welcome

SKIP TO TODAY

We woke up at 8am.
We ate breakfast.
We watched TV.
We played.

He didn't text me and he didn't call . . . that is until about 11:05am.

HIM: You know, I'm waiting for the bus here in Portland. I've been waiting for an hour and a half and it still hasn't come by. I'm going to go ask to see if someone can tell me.

ME: Ok

Meanwhile, I busy myself getting the girls ready. 
Getting myself ready.
Tidying up a little bit.
Washing dishes.
Preparing myself not to eat my emotions all day long while we are with him.

An hour an 10 minutes later he still hasn't texted me to tell me he is on his way. 
So I text him.

ME: Are you on your way yet?

HIM: Yes

ME: How long?

And this is where I now understand that I completely misinterpreted his message so it is partly my fault what happened later. But read on and you'll understand.

HIM: I don't know if you can come to the mall with the carousel near the baby store.

This is where I got confused. Now, you remember I asked him to come to me, right? Well, if I ask you to come to me you'd assume you are going to come ALL THE WAY to me if I specifically say, I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE OUT THERE. Right? So, there is a carousel at the mall I was planning on going to and my mind kinda did a hop-skip-jump over the part where he wrote 'en el mall donde esta la tienda de bebes'. (In the mall with the baby store) So, thinking we are on the same page I text him back.

ME: The girls are going to need lunch.

HIM: I haven't eaten either.

Well, damn if it isn't always about you.


ME: OK. So we'll meet you outside and go eat?


Thinking we will go to the Ihop down the street we always go went to.


HIM: Outside of Target

This doesn't confuse me because there is a target right next to Ihop.

ME: Is that where the bus goes? Where are you now?

Remember, I'm trying to gauge time to allow him time to get ALL THE WAY OVER HERE and not be waiting around for him with two antsy toddlers.


HIM: At Target

And here I am at home, thinking that if he's still in Portland it is going to take at least the 30 minute drive for him as well as for me and maybe we'll arrive at the same time. But he's already there?!?! WTF? How'd that happen?

ME: You are at Target?

HIM: Yes.

ME: I asked you 2 minutes ago how much longer and you said you didn't know.

*In his defense (like I said) I completely misinterpreted his comment, "I don't know if you can come to the mall with the carousel near the baby store." 


- If I had really read it, I would have realized at this moment that we were on completely different pages.

HIM: Well, I don't know where you want me to go?

ME: Stay there. We'll meet you there.

Thinking he's in Vancouver. Gahh!!

HIM: OK

Half hour later after driving to Target in Vancouver.

ME: Where are you?

HIM: The entrance to Target. Where are you?

ME: The same. Driving. I don't see you.

HIM: I'm at the entrance.

ME: I've passed the entrance 10 times

Suddenly a light bulb (probably literally) appears above my head.

ME: Are you at the target by Ihop.

Mind you, I am imagining that he's at one of the other 3 targets in Vancouver.

HIM: No.

ME: No? Which target are you at?

HIM: Where Babies R Us is.

There's one thing you should know.
  • There are no Babies R Us's in Vancouver. The closest one is 20+ miles away in the next state.
I immediately park as steam starts to roll out my ears. If he had just said he was at Babies R Us in the first place . . . no no no, wait . . . I asked him to come see us. Coming to see us does not mean taking a bus 12 miles so I can drive 28 instead of 40. No! No! No! Sir!

I knew his good attitude was too good to be true the day before.

So I dial him.

ME: Why are you in Portland? I asked you to come see us.

HIM: I did. I came to Portland so you didn't have to drive all the way to Tualatin.

ME: No, you don't understand. When I said I didn't want to drive out there I meant over the bridge, cross state. I wanted you to come to Vancouver.

HIM: Why should I have to come to Vancouver? There's no bus to Vancouver.

ME: There are plenty of buses to Vancouver.

HIM: What's wrong with you that you can't drive over here?

ME: After the way you treated us last week?


*I went into details here that I won't bore you with about his neglect and preference to do errands for his nephews*

HIM: Insert unintelligible tirade.

ME: BYEEEEEEEE!


The girls and I then hightailed it to the mall where I showed my girls the kind of good time they should have been able to share with both me and their Daddy. Unfortunately, their daddy doesn't know how to give to others without something in it for himself. So, we had chow mein and chicken (Sassy's favorite) for lunch. We played for 2 hours at the play area. I got them each a little lollipop. We rode the elevators in all the department stores and I let them push the buttons each time. (You know, the little things that make a kids day . . . that has nothing to do with me except the pleasure I feel at making them so happy) We then went and looked at all the animals at the pet store and then went zooming down the mall in their jogger stroller making them giggle and scream. I didn't care who looked or who cared. My babies were happy. Then we went on the carousel and the train. The girls were so proud to go on the train by themselves and waved excitedly each time they passed me and then would explode into giggles when they disappeared into the tunnel where I couldn't see them. 

Then we went home, but that was a good 5 hour day out and about with my babies. Making them happy. Doing something for them unlike anything their daddy has ever allowed them to do.
  • When we are with him we have to eat at a certain time, at a certain place and if he isn't happy about something, no one is
  • At the play area, the longest he has ever allowed them to play was 45 minutes and then he gets fidgety and agitated.
  • He always takes them to see the animals but overkills it and tells them they can have one as soon as we live together again which sucks ass considering that isn't a possibility. Thank God today the girls didn't even mention getting a puppy or kitty or bunny. Maybe he has less affect on them than I think?
  • He would never run or let me run down the side of the mall with them in their stroller. He'd be embarrassed for himself or of me and he'd make sure I knew it.

All that said, today was the first day that my mind didn't extend to him every once in a while. I wasn't thinking:
  • How mad is he?
  • What will he say?
  • What will he do?
  • What will he threaten this time?
  • How much more hellish is he going to make my life?
There was no fear today. No anxiety. I spent the most joyful 5 hours with my girls uninterrupted by him or by anyone. It was fantastic.

And even now, at night when the fears and anxieties are usually at their worst, I feel nothing. Blissful, peaceful, wonderful NOTHING. 

When I turned on my computer I had the odd compulsion to click on his work schedule to see if he was working with one of 'the girls' this week. I clicked off the schedule as soon as I opened it, realizing, I don't care. I just don't care. He can exist or cease to exist or say things or do things and I just.don't.care. anymore. He's as good as dead to me. 

It's a beautiful thing when the mind and the heart and the body are able to just LET GO.

That is when you achieve FREEDOM.

XO Kristen

11 comments :

  1. *STANDING OVATION!!!*

    Good for you for standing up for yourself even though there was confusion, and even better that you didn't let his mood ruin your wonderful day with your girls!!!

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  2. Amazing. :)
    Glad you had such a wonderful day with the girls!

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  3. Freedom is a wonderful thing!
    It sounds like you had a fantastic day with your girls. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yay. Giving yourself a win. What a gift.

    Cheers,
    Missa
    LosingEthel

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is beautiful. There is no greater feeling than being free form the grips of someone else. You are toatlly awesome.

    Peace and Blessings

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  6. Congrats for you and the girls! I am so glad. you had a great time with them!!! And I am sorry that your quazi husband isn't willing to meet you half way, I just wanted to let you know that I have been reading since the beginning and you have grown so much. And each time you grow you make a better role model for your children

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  7. Good job! It is so hard to do what you know is right sometimes, but you used your head and did it. "freedom comes when you learn to let go" - I love that quote, I think its from a Madonnna song! Stay strong girl!

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  8. Good for you! Sounds like you had a great day creating memories!

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  9. I did weight watchers. it worked, but It took FOREVER. last year, a month before my best friend's wedding I wanted to lose 11 Pounds, and my mom found this diet that works fast. I lost 10 Pounds in about 20 days, and it wasn't one of them creazy low carb diets or anything. they give you this menu that you need to follow, and it menipulates your hormones, and forces your body to burn fat. here's a realy cool website I found about this diet- some girl tried this diet, and she created a blog and reported every single day untill she reached her goal weight. check it out- this diet is easy to follow and I lost the weight fast and haven't gained it back since :)
    Here's a link to this girl's blog:
    http://how-to-lose-weight-fast-with-fatloss4idiots-reality.com/

    ReplyDelete
  10. Curious that a father who needs transportation in order to have weekly visits with his children would voluntarily give up that transportation.

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