Monday, March 28, 2011

WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE...

. . . to have an hour to myself to walk on a treadmill, run on an elliptical, ride a bike and/or do some strength training on some so intended machines.

I can't right now, though.

I have no monetary income except the EBT that the state gives me and the pennies I can squeeze out of my husband for bills or *gasp* ... Diapers.

(I am honestly so looking forward to the day when both my girls are completely potty trained so that never again do I have to hear 'again? You just bought them!')

Hopefully the temporary motion will get me a little more cash flow so I don't have to ask beg plead make myself inferior and submissive to get diapers or clothes for my daughters or god forbid they need something silly like a new toothbrush.

Given he actually adheres to the motion and isn't a typical jackass like so many men, I should be receiving a decent little chunk of change every month. Definitely nothing to live off of long term and most definitely not enough for what it takes to raise two children . . . but when does the government ever do anything logically?

I get a friggin motherload on EBT for myself and my two toddler daughters but I get about $200 less in child support. Does that makes sense? ((shrugs))

In any case, after some stressful events today dealing with the husband I must admit that I didn't cope well. I controlled my urges to binge. I didn't binge. ((sigh of relief))

But I did a little damage.

I had held it together so well until around 2 o'clock when he texted me about seeing the girls tomorrow and I asked him what time. He has taken to being very selective in which texts he does and doesn't answer. So, after he hadn't responded for almost 20 minutes, I called him. Just. To. Get. A. Time. Bad move on my part. I should never call him.

He was already at work. I could tell by the sounds of the dishes clanging around.

And then I heard a female voice,

'Hola Arturin, como estas," and a distinct sound of a kiss (probably a cheek or air kiss as his culture is accustomed to . . . at least I'm hoping) near the phone and then his response in an overly flirtatious tone and he continued this little conversation while I am sitting on the phone waiting for the simple answer about when he was going to come see the girls. Then! He has the nerve to hang up on me without saying anything more to me.

So, regardless of whether I am divorcing the guy or not, it still stings. I did love him. On some level I think I still do. He is my girls' father and what I thought was the person I would spend forever with, so yeah it stings.The purposeful flirtatiousness while I'm on the phone and maybe it's just because we had so many issues with the intimacy of his female 'friendships' while we were together. I don't know.

Can you tell I am a highly insecure person??  ((That was sarcasm just in case you couldn't read the inflection))

In any case, those insecurities and my own self loathing surfaced.

But I DID NOT binge.

Thank God for some level of self control, even if it was only by the skin of my teeth.

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

7 comments :

  1. You, my friend, are incredible.

    A mother.

    A fighter.

    A strong woman.

    I pray you hold your head high, you walk past this man who has hurt you so deeply, and you embrace a brighter future with enthusiasm.

    You deserve it!

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  2. Binging would have only added another problem so great job. Your only choice it would seem at this point is to do what you can at home. Floor exercises, marching in place to music - it can be done. You can make your own weights with empty fabric softener bottles - fill them with water to the desired weight (or sand). Those bottles have a nice handle.

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  3. He's being rude. That was totally uncalled for and the only reason he did it was to hurt you.
    I hope that doesn't sound too harsh.:( I just can't believe he did that. I too still love my ex..thought I would spend the rest of my life with him..but he is totally different than he once was...sometimes act like I never mattered and that hurts more than I can say. But we just need to hang in there and know that we ARE worth being treated well and not settling for less.

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  4. Hey Kristen. You know im seperated right now. Ive had a ll these feelings. (Lucky my ex is a great dad and willingly gives me money for the kidS) and while ill always love him, recently I realized that:

    I loved who he was more that who he is.

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  5. Divorce can be so hard especially when you have to give up your hopes and dreams for a future and a family. Is there any way that you can request a "set visitation schedule" where you meet at a designated spot at a specific time each week and if your ex doesn't show then you can just leave. It would minimize your interactions with him and you wouldn't have to deal with all his bullshit.

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  6. That was a deliberate attempt to hurt you by hitting you directly in what he knows all to well as a weak spot. I know you wont call him again, try your damnedest not to react to him! Kudos for not binging!

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  7. You didn't binge... that's great! Keep your focu on yourself. I know it's easier said than done but he's not worth the stress or time. One day you will look back on this and wonder why you bothered wasting your feelings on him. You will grow from this experience in ways you can't even imagine right now. *Hugs*

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