Now, two days later - nothing has changed. I still feel free. Even after my girls' dad texted me with emotional diarrhea of the fingertips. Even when he told me I had no idea how much I was hurting him and how he felt as though he was dying. Nothing changed. His words didn't provoke sadness, or guilt, or FEAR. His words instead pulled from the depths of me something - until this point - I had never truly understood.
Until now, every time these things had happened I EMPATHIZED with him. I felt his pain because it was my pain too. I felt the sadness. I felt the guilt. The loss.
I don't feel those things anymore and so my empathy has quickly evolved into sympathy. I feel sad FOR HIM. Not WITH HIM. I feel pity FOR HIM. Not pity FOR US.
Yesterday when he first texted me and I looked over at my cell phone with the screen lit up with his name and 'preview' of text I had a nano-second of anxiety. The same anxiety that has been ingrained in me to feel. It quickly disappeared though because I KNOW I have no reason to feel it. I am disconnected now, from that which has caused me so much suffering and I refuse to suffer more.
I responded to his text kindly, as he had asked me a very simple question and when the conversation became too complex and I saw it heading in the inevitable direction of an argument I told him that I was done talking about it. That I was sorry that he was hurting but that I couldn't talk about it anymore.
He didn't respond back.
There are NO WORDS to describe the liberation, the ABSOLUTE EMOTIONAL FREEDOM of NOT being scared. NOT BEING FEARFUL. But instead, JUST BEING. Just being Kristen. Mom. Daughter. Just sitting in my house, playing with my girls and not having anxiety, or the weight of the world imposed by him on my shoulders.
While I believe my weight loss efforts have been good, I don't know the result. The number is illusive because I still do not have a working scale . . . BUT . . . I feel as though I have lost 145lbs (to be exact) of cumbersome, suffocating, claustrophobia inducing fear from my chest, my shoulders - my body. I can breathe. I can think. I can speak.
And I am not afraid to do it.
In addition to this new found freedom, I have also found myself freed from other burdens.
Before, I felt a physical and tangible attachment to my iPhone. I HAD TO HAVE IT BY ME AT ALL TIMES - you know, just in case. I feel as if the 'umbilical chord' attaching me to it has been cut. He isn't on the other side of it anymore, holding me captive, reigning me in with threats and silent accusation. And when he is on the other side, texting me the millions of times a day that he texts me - I don't feel obligated to answer immediately. I feel no guilt in finishing what I'm doing or even just putting it off until I feel comfortable and in a good place (mentally and emotionally) to answer him. And sometimes, if he isn't asking a particular question - I just don't answer. Which before was unheard of. I was EXPECTED to answer. Perhaps I am still EXPECTED to, but I no longer feel OBLIGATED.
Also, the computer used to be a draw to me. An escape. I could get online and blog or facebook or tweet and just ignore life. And when I used to be interrupted - no matter the interruption I would become irritable and frustrated. With him gone, I don't feel like I need to escape. I don't feel the need to get away. I feel good. I feel safe. I feel like I am coming back to me.
That being said, my eating is also falling into a good pattern. I am still counting calories but am giving myself some leeway with fruits and veggies. If I'm craving sweets I will allow myself to 'pig out' per say on fruit. I mean really - after 15 1 inch by 1 inch pieces of fresh pineapple I can honestly say my sweet tooth has been cured. (and I am actually quite full) The same with grapes, apple, plums, nectarines and peaches. I also LOVE bananas but I do limit those because their calorie content is considerably higher than other fruits.
Eating this way doesn't make me feel so constricted. I feel that limiting my carbs (ie: pasta, rice, potatoes), my protein, my fats and my simple sugars is fantastic but by allowing unlimited fruits and veggies I feel like this thing is possible long term.
On one last note, I read a lot of 'band blogs' and have read a ton about restriction and how one must eat (ie: specific foods + amount of said food + chewing enough = allowing said food to pass through the band) I have also read about 'getting stuck' and PBing. Well, it's weird. I am NOT BANDED but I seem to be 'getting stuck' a lot. It's weird. I chew my food and swallow and there is this sensation in my lower esophagus that the food just isn't passing through. I guess I'm wondering if the place where your esophagus and your stomach meet can swell and mimic 'getting stuck'? Or any other suggestions about what this might be? It's weird and uncomfortable.
Anyway, I'm off to plan today's grocery list. Yesterday I did some, but not the whole thing. I bought a ton of fresh tilapia, frozen chicken breasts, canned tuna in water, fruit up the wazoo (strawberries, plums, pineapple, nectarines, apples, bananas) fresh peach&mango salsa, sandwich thins, bagel thins, coffee, frozen fruit (for smoothies), frozen veggies (including frozen spinach for smoothies) and some other things I would have to check in the cupboard or fridge - oh like non-fat milk and lite yogurt.
Today I will be getting things like low fat cottage cheese, low cal string cheese, lunch meat, rice, pasta and potatoes for dinners, diet coke (something I am not willing to go without), beans, fresh veggies, different meats for dinners such as fresh chicken breasts, different kinds of fish, perhaps some lean hamburger and lean cuts of steak. I'm not sure. I guess I'll pick up whatever is on sale as long as it fits into my healthy eating.
I have kindly told my family that there will be no more crap bought. No cookies, cake, ice cream or things created of ice cream such as chocolate dipped cones, no chips, no candy, no chocolate, nothing made from chocolate and no sugary snacks. My mom and sister are good with that. My step dad not so much, but if he wants it HE CAN BUY IT.
So forward with my day. Must get off the computer to get girls dressed and perhaps make them some lunch.
Ciao for now.