Friday, April 15, 2011

DAMAGE CONTROL - IM GOING TO NEED A SWAT TEAM

Well maybe not an actual swat team. More the kind of 'swat' team that would 'swat' food outta my hand or 'swat' me away from the kitchen.

I weighed myself this morning and the damage is - considerable. I have been eating emotionally on and off and more on than off for almost 2 months. I try and try to overcome my need for an emotional 'blanky' and it seems like eventually during the day or week, my efforts feel pointless.

And it's because my focus was on my girls, my worry, my pain and the future. Well, the worry and the (unknown) future have come and gone and while there is more to come there is time for me to come back to what is important. My girls, my health and the present and making the most of it.

I can't control tomorrow or what will happen in 60 days but I can control what happens now and if I can't I can at least choose how to respond/react to it.

The scale said 300.2 today. That hurt but I was not at all surprised. I've done this to myself. And it's time to bring in the big guns for damage control. Control. I need to gain control. I am not a gluttonous, insatiable food vampire unable to stop myself from draining the cupboards of their food like a vampire would it's victim. I can be, but that is not who I am. I can't let gluttony and being insatiable because of my emotional/psychological issues control me. That will eventually, sooner than later, be fatal.

I can control myself. I have chosen not to. I need to choose better.

300.2. That is +30lbs in a very short time. It makes me ill to think the amount of calories I would need to have consumed in order to gain so much weight in such a short time. It is eye opening and devastating.

Since this whole divorce re-initiated at the beginning of March I have been having dreams. Dreams about me with this nameless faceless man. They are all essentially sexual in nature without ever actually reaching the point of actual intercourse. Like I said, the man is faceless (mostly) and nameless but he is generally very tall and muscular and wealthy. This might all seem very superficial to anybody who isn't me and I'm not much of a dream interpreter but these dreams are significant to me. The man represents stability. Something I have never had. Strength in his brawn, sturdiness in his height, and complete stability with his wealth. There are two more aspects to the dream. There is a sense of unconditional protection. I know he would never let anything happen to me but even more than that there is this emanating feeling that he loves me. Unconditionally. Ive never felt that before. Only now, in my dreams. As for the raw sexuality of my dreams that never actually gets to the 'act', it's strange because I feel beautiful and thin and sexy with him. There is no fear or insecurity. Just 'the need'. I believe this represent my true desire to be those things, to feel those things and my belief in myself that I can. Otherwise why would I be so sure of myself in my dream? I never doubt myself.

Any dream interpreters out there who can give a real interpretation?

Back to weight and weight loss. This blog has veered so far off that path that I think it's time to come back to it. No more ex talk, minimal child talk and effort. I need to walk the walk as I talk the talk. I need to blog everyday and be accountable.

Yes.

It's time.

And even though you're rolling your eyes and thinking 'here she goes again', I need to believe I can do this. I need to put blind faith in my ability to take control and JUST DO IT.

So please excuse me if I ignore the scoffs and the eye rolls.

I HAVE to do this. If it takes every fiber of my being to unravel to keep myself in control than that's what it takes.

Game on

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

10 comments :

  1. You have been under pressure and it's hard to focus on yourself when there's so much chaos going on around you! It takes courage to pick up the pieces and start over again so I'm not going to eye-roll or scoff because I've been on the yo-yo situation before. I packed on 60-70 lbs within a short amount of time and I have the stretch marks to prove it (still)

    good luck with everything. april is a new month and new start. You deserve stability and happiness!

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  2. No scoffs. No eye rolls. Just a "Do it. Kristen, do it. Put a strategy in place! Go, go go!"

    I'm serious. Commit to blogging TWICE A DAY, am after you get the girls breakfast or before and after dinner. Be accountable. Post what you eat. Post if you exercised. Post what emotions are roiling and how you're dealig with them NON-Food. Read the books that have been recommended. Write down a sensible meal plan and post it to your mirror or fridge or somewhere you MUST see it. Ask your family for help. Stop buying any junk. Commit to NO EATING OUT--no drive-thrus, no IHOP, nothing ouside, unless you write down specifically what you can have, what you can order and you will hold that paper in your hand when you go. Or just don't go.

    You need to put the strategy down on paper, commit to it, sign it, and post it somewhere.

    Just saying you'll do it won't work. Make a plan of what your day will consist of. What activities will replace food/eating when stress strikes. I re commend WRITING YOUR NOVEL. When you want to eat..sit down, plot, write scenes, read books on writing craft, do a short story. Make a goal to write instead of eat.

    March in place when you want to eat; say affirmations; brush your teeth; take 10 deep breaths; drink water; drink tea.

    Have a plan. Read the plan when you get up. Commit to it when you wake up. Commit to eat before each meal. Say it out loud.

    Now, go...kill the fat, baby.

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  3. Um "Commit to It before each meal. Say it out loud." Not "commit to eat". Snarf. :)

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  4. No scoffing or eye rolling, here. I am hardly in the position to judge. lol I have been there, done that too many times to count. It is important that you see what happened and you have an action plan and you are not giving up on yourself.

    Intense emotional pressure can wreak havoc on anyone and we all have to find our coping mechanism. While food isn't the ideal one, sometimes it is the easiest, most accessible and most comforting and we tend to run to that when we are under the worst stress.

    You have won the first battle. You have a war ahead but keep strong and you will persevere. For now, take this time to breathe, center yourself, take proper care of yourself, physically and mentally and emotionally. Take care of you so that you can can take the best of care of those precious little ones of yours.

    Hang tough, girl. You can do this. And we have your back.

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  5. I too have been in the same predicament that you are in now. In fact, I am still working on getting myself back together. Just like Princess Dieter said, commit to whatever it is and you will be fine. We are all here for you!

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  6. Oh, and I just blogged about EMANCIPATION DAY. Declare it. Declare this as your day of setting yourself free from addiction to food and reliance on stress eating. Choose to be free and believe it.

    Freedom rocks!

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  7. You have been under a crazy amount of stress. And you can hop right back on and get it right! Remember you are the ONLY stable parent the girls have. They need you to be the strong woman you are

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  8. Kristen you can do it. I think it would help you if you could try and move on. I have been seperated from the ex for 1 1/2 years. It has been horrible. But time heals everything and what really helped me is when I decided that hes not coming back and Im moving on with my life. Its easier said than done but now I truly dont care what he does, it doesnt affect me. This is a hard process...good luck

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  9. You can do this Kristin!! Everything, all of it, I know you can!

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  10. Hi Kristin - I'm a new follower to your blog! I'm sorry to hear that you're going through some tough times - I can relate to the weight re-gain after such a tremendous loss. It so easily knocks the wind out of your sails. On another note, I really like how you posted your rewards for weight loss - I look forward to following along with your journey and watching you achieve those rewards/goals! Good luck!

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