I weighed myself this morning and the damage is - considerable. I have been eating emotionally on and off and more on than off for almost 2 months. I try and try to overcome my need for an emotional 'blanky' and it seems like eventually during the day or week, my efforts feel pointless.
And it's because my focus was on my girls, my worry, my pain and the future. Well, the worry and the (unknown) future have come and gone and while there is more to come there is time for me to come back to what is important. My girls, my health and the present and making the most of it.
I can't control tomorrow or what will happen in 60 days but I can control what happens now and if I can't I can at least choose how to respond/react to it.
The scale said 300.2 today. That hurt but I was not at all surprised. I've done this to myself. And it's time to bring in the big guns for damage control. Control. I need to gain control. I am not a gluttonous, insatiable food vampire unable to stop myself from draining the cupboards of their food like a vampire would it's victim. I can be, but that is not who I am. I can't let gluttony and being insatiable because of my emotional/psychological issues control me. That will eventually, sooner than later, be fatal.
I can control myself. I have chosen not to. I need to choose better.
300.2. That is +30lbs in a very short time. It makes me ill to think the amount of calories I would need to have consumed in order to gain so much weight in such a short time. It is eye opening and devastating.
Since this whole divorce re-initiated at the beginning of March I have been having dreams. Dreams about me with this nameless faceless man. They are all essentially sexual in nature without ever actually reaching the point of actual intercourse. Like I said, the man is faceless (mostly) and nameless but he is generally very tall and muscular and wealthy. This might all seem very superficial to anybody who isn't me and I'm not much of a dream interpreter but these dreams are significant to me. The man represents stability. Something I have never had. Strength in his brawn, sturdiness in his height, and complete stability with his wealth. There are two more aspects to the dream. There is a sense of unconditional protection. I know he would never let anything happen to me but even more than that there is this emanating feeling that he loves me. Unconditionally. Ive never felt that before. Only now, in my dreams. As for the raw sexuality of my dreams that never actually gets to the 'act', it's strange because I feel beautiful and thin and sexy with him. There is no fear or insecurity. Just 'the need'. I believe this represent my true desire to be those things, to feel those things and my belief in myself that I can. Otherwise why would I be so sure of myself in my dream? I never doubt myself.
Any dream interpreters out there who can give a real interpretation?
Back to weight and weight loss. This blog has veered so far off that path that I think it's time to come back to it. No more ex talk, minimal child talk and effort. I need to walk the walk as I talk the talk. I need to blog everyday and be accountable.
And even though you're rolling your eyes and thinking 'here she goes again', I need to believe I can do this. I need to put blind faith in my ability to take control and JUST DO IT.
So please excuse me if I ignore the scoffs and the eye rolls.
I HAVE to do this. If it takes every fiber of my being to unravel to keep myself in control than that's what it takes.
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