That isn't what I'm pissed about.
I'm pissed because I am 95% sure I know why she has these racing heart episodes. These dizzy, short of breath episodes. These, now, black out episodes.
There are four reasons with names, all under one blaring headline.
Mr. CDD (her husband)
The blaring headline over all our names?
And it pisses me off because there is very little I can do.
I am constantly stressing my mom out (unintentionally) because I don't parent how she thinks I should. She says I am too strict in areas I shouldn't be and too lax in areas I should be stricter and she feels obligated to help me because I don't have a husband to fill that void.
Aside from my children, I am sure my divorce has her at her wits end. She parallels the emotional roller coaster with me.
And lastly, she deals (quietly) with my inability to keep myself on this healthy journey. She supports me and wants the best for me but even under her encouraging words, I feel the patience waning.
Buzzy drives my mom nuts because Buzzy prefers my mom over me when it comes to almost anything and it stresses my mom out. She feels obligated to respond to Buzzy but feels overly responsible.
And again it comes back to me for being too lax or to strict and not complying with what my mom thinks I should be doing.
Breezy is the opposite of Buzzy. She defies my mom at every turn which stresses my mom out.
We all live under her roof though with no estimated time for when our apartment will be finished. We live on top of each other and often get on each others nerves and stress each other out.
Then, as if that isn't enough to be stressed out about my mom has to deal with her husband. A self absorbed, prescription drug addict who would just as soon boot us all out of the house and/or whisk my mom away to a remote island to keep her for himself.
He's not only addicted to prescription drugs but also chewing tobacco. He spends their money faster than either of them can make it and this stresses her out immensely. He wants to spend all their free time together which would be nice except she likes to spend time with the girls, me, my sister, my grandparents, my aunt, uncle and cousin and of course, sometimes she just likes to be alone ... So that stresses her out.
In fact, all these episodes didn't start until he moved in about a year ago.
The other factor that pisses me off?
The fact that she doesn't do anything to take care of herself. She has maybe 1 real meal a day if that and her first meal of the day which is usually around noon is always a veinte coffee frappuccino with extra whipped cream. Hi.Not.Healthy!
So what am I supposed to say to her?
Hey mom, your main stressors are me, your granddaughters and your husband. You should either go away or send us away for a while to destress. Oh and stop feeding your body shit!
Yeah, I don't think that'd go over so well.
There are other things that have me seeing bright red also, but I won't write it out here.
The most important thing right now is she's ok.
Now, I just have to stop myself from ripping the heads off of everyone who speaks to me ... Because, yes, I am that stressed and that pissed and I dont see the stress or anger disappearing any time soon.
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