Sunday, April 10, 2011

PISSED

Ok so regarding my mom, she's home from the hospital with no idea why she randomly lost consciousness and an order for her to see a cardiologist and neurologist to potentially find the reason(s) if there are any.

That isn't what I'm pissed about.

I'm pissed because I am 95% sure I know why she has these racing heart episodes. These dizzy, short of breath episodes. These, now, black out episodes.

There are four reasons with names, all under one blaring headline.

The names?

Kristen (me)
Buzzy
Breezy
Mr. CDD (her husband)

The blaring headline over all our names?

STRESS

And it pisses me off because there is very little I can do.

I am constantly stressing my mom out (unintentionally) because I don't parent how she thinks I should. She says I am too strict in areas I shouldn't be and too lax in areas I should be stricter and she feels obligated to help me because I don't have a husband to fill that void.

Aside from my children, I am sure my divorce has her at her wits end. She parallels the emotional roller coaster with me.

And lastly, she deals (quietly) with my inability to keep myself on this healthy journey. She supports me and wants the best for me but even under her encouraging words, I feel the patience waning.

Buzzy drives my mom nuts because Buzzy prefers my mom over me when it comes to almost anything and it stresses my mom out. She feels obligated to respond to Buzzy but feels overly responsible.

And again it comes back to me for being too lax or to strict and not complying with what my mom thinks I should be doing.

Breezy is the opposite of Buzzy. She defies my mom at every turn which stresses my mom out.

We all live under her roof though with no estimated time for when our apartment will be finished. We live on top of each other and often get on each others nerves and stress each other out.

Then, as if that isn't enough to be stressed out about my mom has to deal with her husband. A self absorbed, prescription drug addict who would just as soon boot us all out of the house and/or whisk my mom away to a remote island to keep her for himself.

He's not only addicted to prescription drugs but also chewing tobacco. He spends their money faster than either of them can make it and this stresses her out immensely. He wants to spend all their free time together which would be nice except she likes to spend time with the girls, me, my sister, my grandparents, my aunt, uncle and cousin and of course, sometimes she just likes to be alone ... So that stresses her out.

In fact, all these episodes didn't start until he moved in about a year ago.

The other factor that pisses me off?

The fact that she doesn't do anything to take care of herself. She has maybe 1 real meal a day if that and her first meal of the day which is usually around noon is always a veinte coffee frappuccino with extra whipped cream. Hi.Not.Healthy!

So what am I supposed to say to her?

Hey mom, your main stressors are me, your granddaughters and your husband. You should either go away or send us away for a while to destress. Oh and stop feeding your body shit!

Yeah, I don't think that'd go over so well.

There are other things that have me seeing bright red also, but I won't write it out here.

The most important thing right now is she's ok.

Now, I just have to stop myself from ripping the heads off of everyone who speaks to me ... Because, yes, I am that stressed and that pissed and I dont see the stress or anger disappearing any time soon.



XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

5 comments :

  1. I'm glad to hear your mom is ok! I just had a webcam episode with my parents this morning and my dad was telling me how stress causes people to become ill. (he's a physician)

    I hope you feel better and try to stay positive.

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  2. Oh, I'm glad your mom is home. I still hope she follows up with a cardio and neuro as needed. It might be more than stress, ya know, so it's good to rule out the major non-stress possible causative factors.

    And you're a woman now. Learn to handle stress. There are few things as stressful as divorce in life--so the psychs tell us--so learning to deal with this as a grown-up will help you deal with all sorts of other crap coming down the pike. (Just imagine two teen girls under your belt.)

    If you calm down, and if you start taking control of your issues, that will benefit your mom. It's part of your journey to independentize yourself, and part of that is learning to cope with the shit of life. As a single mom, you gotta grow big hairy balls that can take on every damn thing the universe will throw at you and your family.

    Your mom chose a crap hubby, as did you. So, unless she's ready to ditch him, you gotta learn stress management techniques. He ain't gonna turn into Man of the Year anytime soon, right?

    Every morning, just breathe, assert your will over food, assert your will over stress, and give your mom and kiss and say, "I love you, Mom. Let's make this a helluva great day." And as long as you're under her roof, you're gonna have to bend more than ever. Once you have your own roof, you can set your rules. But it's her/his roof, not yours.

    Even as an adult, when I lived with my parents, it was THEIR rules. When I came home. Who I socialized with. What I ate. Pretty much, until I could work enough to buy my own stuff or left the house, I had to acquiesce. That's the price of dependence. And for as long as you're dependent, you have to respect that the ones who pay the bills get to call the shots. Money does equal power.

    Set down your plan on how to get your own money and own roof, and you won't have to kowtow to drug/tobacco man. And maybe one day YOU will offer the haven your mom needs to get away from her own unhealthy romance...

    I pray healing and stress relief over you and your mom. I pray good rest for you. Eat well. Make that a priority. It will raise your self-esteem. Having power over food will begin to give you power over other things. Read Gillian Riley. She sets that out pretty nicely in her latest book on WillPower.

    Hugs..from the Bossy Mouthy Opinionated Tactless Princess ; )

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  3. I am so glad that your mom is okay and home.I hope that she follows up with her specialists and finds out why she passed out and how she can treat herself and not have it happen again.

    I wish I could help with all of the things stressing you gals so much. Getting your own space will help immensely. You need to be able to set ground rules with your daughters and raise them as you see fit. I hope that happens, soon.

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  4. Wow! Glad your mom is alright. Sounds like you are having major issues right now....

    But on the plus side, your face looks super thin!

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  5. So glad that your mom is ok...but we all know the impact stress has on us. Some of us deal by eating others dont deal and we see it in physical things. Just remember that the blog "family" is here for you to sort of dump some of your problems on so that way maybe you can leave some it on your blog rather than in your home. Good luck and hang in there. You are obviously strong enough to deal with this and come out the other side.

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