Wednesday, April 20, 2011

THERE'S NO POINT IN REPEATING MYSELF EVERY FUCKING DAY

WARNING
This post will probably contain a lot of profanity, including the famous 'f-bombs' I so adamantly abhor . . . but tonight, that's just how I roll. So pass on to another blog if you are easily offended.

There's a whole lot of psychology going on with me right now. Stuff I already understand and other stuff, I am sure I couldn't even begin to touch with a ten foot subconscious probing pole. The kind of stuff I should really be seeing a therapist for. Alas, I barely have enough funds to stay afloat with diapers and car payments and gas and other bills, let alone enough to see a shrink to help me out with my inner workings.

I am quite literally a ball of nerves, nausea, worry, anger, sadness, guilt, panic . . . the list goes on for eternity.

At random times during the day a fleeting thought that most of the time I can't even pinpoint sends my heart rate into over drive and suddenly my chest feels like it is going to cave in from the tremendous amount of weight/pressure I feel. I become short of breath and every breath I do take feels like I am straining air through sand. Panic attack? Anxiety attacks? Are they the same? I don't know. It's all new to me.

So, I have been hiding. I won't lie. I truly did not go private on purpose but maybe it was one of those things you do subconsciously because in reality that is exactly what I want to do . . . hide. From everything and everyone. I feel like the weight of the world is resting square across my shoulders (or maybe better said around my middle?) and I wish I could quite literally crawl into a dark (preferably comfortable) hole where I could hibernate until this whole divorce/custody thing blows over. I don't want him to call or text me anymore (which the courts are allowing) I hate seeing the damn luminescent light that flashes from my phone when I receive a call or text. I have been conditioned to cringe at that light - no matter if it is him or someone else. I want the frickin child support and maintenance to start coming in already so I can stop floundering in my unpaid finances - but my lawyer says that may take up to two months. FUCK ME! SERIOUSLY?!?!

I want it all said and done. NOW! More done than said, because I'm so tired of talking and talking. I want action. Lots of action. There is never enough initiative or action. Gahhh!! They say patience is a virtue and good things come to those who wait but damnit, this isn't good in the traditional sense and I want to stop waiting. I want to end it all . . . NOW!

My girls sense my stress also. They have been extra needy, extra clingy, whiny, crabby, bratty - the whole blasted nine yards. Especially the day after they see their dad. It's like he spoils them just enough (what the hell am I saying? He spoils them like nothing I have ever seen before ... seriously, this last Monday he spent nearly $200 on movies, clothes, sunglasses, shoes and jewelry for a 1 & 2 year old) to turn them rotten and I have to work so hard the rest of the week to straighten them out, only to have him ruin everything the next week. Oh, and did I mention the food gut rot he feeds them? Let's start with breakfast. I feed them eggs, juice, and/or toast with peanutbutter and milk + an apple or grapes or fruit of their choice (but generally sliced up apple) That is the healthiest thing they have all day. When they see him, the first thing he buys them is either candy or ice cream. This last Monday he surprised me and splurged on buttery oily popcorn. Nice. Just what every kid needs at 10AM. Next was chocolate eggs (the Easter kind) . . . then for lunch he buys them pizza. Yep, it just gets healthier. ((rolls eyes)) After pizza if he has gotten them ice cream he will get them candy and if he has already bought candy he will buy ice cream. Never ever fails and my efforts to thwart this are in vain because he ignores me and the girls cry and whine until they get the shit he wants to buy for them anyway. Mean Old Mommy who wants to keep them from barfing up all that processed shit, who wants to keep them from bouncing off the walls on a needless sugar high and who wants to keep all of their baby teeth in tact until they decide to fall out on their own - well, let's just say her opinion isn't asked for in these situations and if I give it, it isn't headed. In fact it's usually smirked or laughed at - or in the girls' case, screamed and whined at.

This sounds cruel and completely unjust and I recognize that it wouldn't be fair, but father's who only want to 'play' with and spoil their children shouldn't be allowed to. They should be required to change diapers, feed, clothe, bathe, and discipline them too. They should be required to uphold a moral standing according to law and if they participate in ANY illegal activities their visitation with the children should be nill to none. What kind of example is that?

On the diet side of things, every morning I wake up and tell myself 'today will be good', 'today will be better', 'today will be different' and every day starts out that way and every fucking day ends in disaster. I truly think I eat more shit on the days I tell myself I'm going to eat well then I do on the days when I say 'oh screw it, I'll eat what I want.'

(an entire paragraph apparently was deleted here but the gist of it was that I had to cancel my gym membership because my ex was ordered half of some money I had received and wants to use it for . . .)

Disneyland.

Not the beds the girls need because they are growing out of their toddler beds. Not to pay unpaid bills or even for his own selfish needs like sending money to Mexico or buying himself some mode of transportation.

No he decides he wants to take the girls and me to Disneyland.

Can you guess if we're going.

UM . . . H.E.L.L. TO THE N.O.!!!!

What the fuck was/is he thinking?

In the middle of a divorce, struggling himself to stay afloat and knowing I am as well he openly states he wants to take us on a more than $3000 trip more than 1000 miles away to Disneyland. And get this. His reasoning?

He promised Sassy he would.

Dude, she's only 2. She's going to be 3. She has no concept of time. She has no concept of Disneyland. It is an illusive place we have described that she can't possibly imagine and will have no idea of what she's missing until she actually goes when she is maybe 5 or 6 and she MIGHT HAVE THE ABILITY TO REMEMBER THE TRIP.

((sigh))

I'm so tired. I feel like I could sleep the days away. Part of me feels like I do. Sometimes I go through the motions. Just the motions, but I think that is perhaps a coping mechanism. To disconnect and do what needs to be done without actually participating. You know?

So, there it is. Not even a sliver of my life in the past couple weeks but enough to know that if I were a third party looking in and reading . . . it would be enough to understand and empathize or at least sympathize or if nothing else, at least extend some pity. LOL

Although the last thing I want is pity.

What I need is focus. I'll let you know when I find that. Goals. I have those, but my actions are not working toward then. Determination. Will. Control. Again the list goes on and on and yet, I sit here and close my eyes and just laugh because if I don't laugh I will break down into a never ending ball of gushing tears.

That's my normal coping mechanism. (besides food) For sadness, anger, guilt, or any significant emotion . . . I cry. I have cried very little during this whole ordeal. I don't think that is necessarily a good thing. I cried a lot when I was eating well. I wasn't numbing my feelings and so I cried and cried because I was raw with emotion. I've numbed myself again. Removed my ability to feel what I need to feel by anesthetizing it with food. So.Much.Food.

I have considered every method provided to me by you (my readers) - self help books, music, audio therapy, documentaries, videos - and sadly . . . at this moment . . . as much as I want to get back to taking care of me and making me healthy and choosing life . . . at this moment . . . right now . . . I.Don't.Want.To

I do.

But I don't.

I'm torn.

I'm burdened.

I can't seem to bring myself back to caring.

I've allowed the compulsive eater, the food addict, the FAT CHICK (reference: my blog used to be called The Fat Chick Weigh as the url states) take over again.

It saddens me.

But I feel like a person at the bottom of a well with moss ridden walls and no matter the effort I make to try to climb up I inevitably slide right back to the floor.

Like I said: I need therapy. I need help with my eating disorder.

Until next time . . .

XO Kristen

11 comments :

  1. ((Kristen)) I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all of this stress. You are a strong woman and you will get through this! Drop all the f bombs you want! You can't scare me off.

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  2. Sucks, babe. It's one of the very rough patches you have to go through--and they will come back. Cause life is like that. Good times, then the pit. Good times, then the pit. It's the cycle.

    Here's one way to look at the food thing. You cannot control your mom, your husband, the courts, your kid's moods/reactions, your child support, etc. YOU CAN CoNTROL WHAT GOES IN YOUR MOUTH. So, take that little bit of ground, drive a stake in it, and say, 'The rest of my life may be a whirlwind, but this little patch is in my control and I will rule it." Maybe looking at it like that will make controlled eating a RESPITE, rather than anotehr stressor.

    Note also that you will be needing to work pretty soon. You will have it easier finding a job and moving around in a crazy single-working-mom schedule if you are fit and slimmer. Simple as that. You want better economics--you need to plan RIGHT now for it.

    And turn off teh fucking phone. Why do you need it on? Tell your lawyer or whomever to send you email or call and leave voice mail, taht you only pick up the phone to check for pertinent calls at 10 am, 4 pm, and 8pm. And that's it. When you are with your kids, you dont need the phone on. You may WANT it on, but you don't NEED it on. Give yourself a break from asshole's phone presence. Take a breather. Control the phone, too. :)

    I think if you have one thing or two you can seriously RULE as EMPRESS, you will feel the power.

    It's one hour and one minute at a time. That's all. Don't think a day or week, except for necessary long-term plan. For food and phone, one day at a time. You don't need to be perfect. You simply need to rule those spaces until other spaces come better under your control.

    The worst thing to do when you're stressed like you are now is numb yourself with the drug called food. It will reinforce the desire to binge. I know. I'm a recovering binge eater. And it really requires a lot of constant positive decision-making. Sometimes, it's a minute by minute saying of NO to the binge. But the more you say no, the stronger you get. The more you give in, the weaker you get. That's the addiction dynamic. Give in, it enslaves you more. Say no, no matter how hard or how often--and it weakens its hold.

    Put on your war gear. Fight! You have a lot of battles to win...

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  3. Unfortunately, Princess, the courts ordered me to be avaiable via my cell phone to my ex via call or text. I have no choice. If he texts or calls I have to respond within a 'reasonable' time frame. Other wise I'm not following the judges orders.

    The rest I understand.

    I struggle, obviously, but I understand.

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  4. make sure your lawyer makes clear to the judge that your ex manipulates/harasses/etc via mail and calls and that you request that you only need to check maybe am and suppertime for message and clarify what timely is. It's a health issue for you. And he is manipulative. Maybe the judge would back you ont hat...REasonable is vague. It could mean a whole day. :) Being available could mean you check his messages ONCE DAY when he does not have custody. PEriod. :D

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  5. I'm so sorry how stressed you are. You are right about everything of course. Your ex should be responsible as a father not as Santa Clause and you be made into the Grinch/Scrooge.

    I hope everything works out!

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  6. I'm with the princess on the fight thing. The world closes in on us when we are least prepared for it, I am trying to take that as a clue to fight my way through, for me boxing is the best therapy, let the rage fuel you in a positive way, every time that jerk of an ex opens his mouth in stupidity, box, hit something, a pillow a tree whatevers handy, cause you can't hit him, but you need to hit something, you'll be amazes how something like shadow boxing can relieve stress, you can do it at home and you'll feel better, you are a fighter already, you've fought through this far and its only going to be an up hill battle for so long, you'd be surprized how often boxing has led to a good cry, but once the anger has a place to go the rest will follow!

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  7. OH I wish I had some sage advice for you other than to say I know how hard it is to try and deal with your "stuff" while the world continues to swirl around you. I have been in therapy for over a year and I swear although the friggin hardest thing I have ever done it is the best. I suffer from anxiety and have been working on how to deal with that without stuffing it down with food. I will say this (as a psychology teacher) an panic and anxiety attack although are slightly different things they manifest themselves usually in the same way. Some people say they feel that they are having a heart attack, others liken it to sheer fear.

    Hang in there...I know that money is a concern for you so professional help might not be an option look into what our town or city offers. As a teacher I know that most towns have free therapists especially for families in crisis. Which lets be honest you and your girls have been through a lot and could use some good things heading your way.

    I hope you do not take offense to suggesting help...it is just me suggesting what has worked for me and my family. Hang in there and let us know how you are doing we are hear to listen and support.

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  8. I am so sorry you have so much on your plate right now to deal with. Just remember your an amazing woman and an amazing mother and will and can pull through this.

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  9. I just started reading you blog today, so I'm not certain of all of the history between you and your ex. What I can tell you though, is that you're not alone.

    When my daughter's "dad" bothers to show up, its the same shit. He can magically afford to go out and spend $100 bucks for the day, but can't manage to send his child support for groceries. You're lucky you're getting an order through the divorce. I filed my papers with the state and haven't gotten support in about 5 years anyhow. Too many under the table jobs and now that we've moved I had to start all over again.

    The anger at having to deal with an asshole never really goes away completely. When he does call, he gets her all worked up and it takes days to get her back on track. Then I stomp and piss like a spoiled 2 year old for a little while. But I will tell you, that most days are okay and I don't really think about it much. But it took me a while to get to that happy place.

    You will find that place too. I promise. I fucking sucks right now, but not forever.

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  10. Hugs...so sorry you have to deal with this crap.

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  11. All I can say is that my heart is breaking for you. I know that I can't begin to imagine the depth of what you are going through . . . but I'm praying and praying and praying.

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