Friday, May 13, 2011

BACK

So, I've spent some time away. 2.5 weeks to be exact.

When they say divorce is a roller coaster. Well, that is like comparing a garden snake to an anaconda. It is just so much more than a roller coaster. There is pain and you don't know why because there is also this relief and yet this agony and yet another set of feelings that can only be called emptiness because it is where the love and compassion and connection used to exist. And now there is just ... Nothing.

And to make my anaconda sized roller coaster worse, my ex-husband chose a slimy lawyer. And when I say slimy, I don't mean he's out for me or my blood. He's out for me ex's. I can't confide all the details at this moment but suffice it to say that at the end of this whole situation I would bet my (soon to be sold) wedding ring that my ex makes a call to the association of attorneys regarding malpractice.

My days have been hectic and stressful. If Sassy isn't dealing with secondary stress that she feeds off of me than she and Breezy are going at it like two professional wrestlers (toddler style)

Thank God they're cute because I've totally entertained the idea of duct taping them both to the wall. Ok, not really, but the image is kinda funny.


I still get a lot of texts from the ex and they are sometimes threatening and accusatory and other times they are straight up pathetic blubbering. It's very frustrating but because the judge ordered phone contact I have to just endure it and ignore what I can.

We've been going to church and while these past two weeks have not been exceptional, I really enjoy going. I go to get something, learn something and of course to fellowship with other Christians but I must admit that while our regular pastor has been away I have really had a hard time with his replacement. I feel ungrateful and petty but I just have the hardest time getting anything outta this guy's sermon. Maybe it's his hand motions or his random tangents or maybe it's his small but noticeable lisp. I don't know. I just want my regular pastor back!

Sassy really enjoys church and Breezy is quickly learning to part from me for the hour. (grudgingly, I think though)

Here are Sassy, Breezy and their 2nd cousin on the church steps a couple Sundays ago.


Things at home are blah. Nothing really new to speak of. We just hang around and play a lot.











Princess Sassy Pants


Dr. Breezy Loo



Aside from that, my little add-on apartment to my mom's house is coming along nicely. The framing is all set. Now to wire the electrical, call the inspector to make sure everything is to code and then dry wall and flooring!! Yay!


My weight is a joke. Quite literally. I have had another epiphany of sorts that I have read before but never truly understood the meaning of until I applied it to myself.

My obesity is not my problem. Rather it is merely a symptom of the true problem which is my compulsive overeating disorder. My goal should not be to lose the weight but to fix the real issue and then the weight will come off. Dont get me wrong, I totally get that even though the weight is 'just a symptom' it is a completely serious one. The same way a severe hemorrhage is the symptom of a deep wound. I get that the symptom can kill me as easily as the source of that symptom. I am just trying a new approach because suddenly, I feel like I have NO control. NONE. GONE. Into the wind.

But, as I've said before, I will say it again, I'll keep getting up. I'll keep trying. I will not fail because the only failure is to stop caring completely. And the part of me that cringes when I put horrible things in my mouth even when I don't want them, the part of me that hurts when I see the scales number rise and my pants tighten. The part of me that wants to be around for my babies. That part still cares and it will keep me from giving up. It will make me rise, no matter how hard or how often I fall.

So, here I am. Back in the land of the blogging. (that is, if blogger decides to work again sometime soon)

Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

4 comments :

  1. Welcome back. You return on the day I enter Onederland, so two things that made me smile today. Playing with your girls is therapeutic, I figure, so glad you get to do that. It's pretty exciting to see your own space developing there, eh?

    Fixing the emotional/stress/overeating issue goes hand in hand with the weight loss. I don't think the order is the key. I think knowing that you have to address it while also controlling eating. It goes hand in hand. It's like saying, "I cut myself cause I have obsessive compulsive disorder, so let me address the disorder."YES! We have to address the inner issues. But we still have to make the effort to stop the cutting, gambling, etc. Whatever is the compulsive action.

    I recommend you read those books I recommended last time. They do address compulsive eating issues and how to approach them. I haven't had a binge in about a year. It's possible to get to a calmer food place. It is. Believe it totally for yourself. Healing is there...

    May you make great progress in tackling all the assorted issues in your path...

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  2. Welcome back! I have an aversion towards most attorneys in general (especially the ones on TV)

    Good luck with everything and the pictures of your babies are adorable and so precious.

    Emotional eating is really hard to overcome but not impossible. You can do it!
    Have a LOVELY weekend!

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  3. So sorry that you're going through such a difficult time right now--and it sounds like that is an understatement. Best of luck to you, and I'm glad you have these adorable babies to give you strength and love.

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  4. Glad to see you back!

    Do you think your new space would have room for a treadmill? I've been looking for a new home for mine, free to a good home as long as you could pick it up and transport it. It's a nice treadmill, just not worth the hassle (and potential serial killers) of putting it on craigslist. If you're interested, let me know and I'll give you the details :)

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