Friday, May 27, 2011

ENTITLEMENT ... IVE BEEN THERE BEFORE & THE LIGHT BULB IN THE CHOCOLATE CAKE

The term "entitlement" refers to a notion or belief that one (or oneself) is deserving of some particular reward or benefit.

In my case, food. I am a good mom and therefore I deserve that pizza. I work hard cleaning the house so I deserve that ice cream. I put up with everyone I live with who have strange and annoying quirks so I deserve that cake. No, not only do I DESERVE it, I'm ENTITLED to it.

I am entitled to anything I want to put in my mouth because of all the shit I deal with and all the shit I put up with and all the shit I live with.

Or, at least that's what I think.

In reality I am actually ENTITLED to live healthily. I am actually ENTITLED to feel my pain and be angry with shit I have to live with and be sad about the shit I have to deal with. I am ENTITLED to FEEL.

But no one has been robbing me of that ENTITLEMENT except me.

ME.

I am my own worst enemy. My own saboteur. My own kryptonite. I know what switches flip where and when and I allow them to flip on and off at will. I allow my buttons to be pushed and use it all as an excuse to use my facade of entitlement that is really just myself, a wolf in sheep's clothing, waiting to make me fail.

Yesterday I had 'started again' and then I made the mistake of going to the market ... Hungry.

In addition to lunch I also bought the new mini Reeses that you don't have to take the wrapper off of. Long story short, when I went to eat them later in the evening they were gone.

I was pissed, although looking back now it wasn't because they had been eaten but because they were mine and no one asked. That happens a lot around here. In any case, I pulled out a LARGE piece of chocolate cake that was actually my sister's and proceeded to eat 1/2 of it.

The thing though? It didn't taste good. I didn't really want it in the first place and afterward I felt like shit but DAMMIT if I wasn't entitled to that cake because someone ate my dessert without asking me.

As I lay in bed after I chugged milk for the heartburn the cake had caused I realized like a gazillion and one things. But the biggest things that kept flashing through my head?

1) I'm only 10lbs from where I started in January 2010.

2) no one can do this for me. Only I can do it for myself.

3) food is tasting seriously nasty and making me feel even worse

4) if I don't really take control, I'll be 500lbs before I know it

5) and lastly, I deserve and am entitled to love myself and want better for myself. I don't have to be the gluttonous self loathing Person I have been.

So here I am blogging instead if eating. My stomach hurts but not from heartburn. Instead it's growling because I'm not stuffing it full. My head hurts a little but not because I've overdosed on sugar. Instead, because I've not had any substantial sugar today and lastly ... My energy is up and my morale is as well. Forward and I'll be back if I am suddenly attacked by the 'wanting to fail' monster.

Kristen



10 comments :

  1. You just wrote a post that could have come straight from me. I have felt so many of the same things in just the last few days. I can see you are a strong person and you are deserving of everything you desire. Stay stong.

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  2. Kristen.. you CAN do this! And you're right.. you're entitled to be healthy... and you will do it!

    As I post this for you.. I'm reminding myself. Because I do the same thing. I eat because I'm "entitled" to that ________ (fill in the blank of the crap food). But you're right. We are entitled to be healthy.

    I am going to make a big sign and post this somewhere prominent in my house, so I remind myself over and over. Maybe you could do the same.

    ((HUGS))

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  3. There ya go, babe. Blog instead of eat. Pray instead of eat. Plan meals and strategy instead of eat. Dance, walk, play, write instead of eating.

    You most certainly can overcome. We all have hard times when food calls us like the sexiest he-sirens ever. Just plug up your ears.

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  4. I love this post and have felt the same way for a while now. Today is day one 'back on plan'( much like yesterday was and the day before that). WE can do this!

    The hardest part its getting started (for me)

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  5. Fight! Fight for you! High five! :)

    (((hugs)))

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  6. You are strong Kristen, you can do this. You can do this for you. You are worth it. Take care of yourself, love yourself and become the woman you want to be.
    Take care and God Bless!!

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  7. Keep on fighting to be the person you want to be. One healthy choice at a time. You can do this. BTW, your writing is so compelling, honest and full of feeling. Take care of yourself and your health, you deserve it!

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  8. I have been here too many times to count and could have written this too. Not to be preachy but I really and truly believe keeping carbs low (and NO sugar!) will help with the cravings and the up and down feelings with your body, energy and emotions. If you can hang on to the point you break your body's addictions to the blood sugar roller coaster crap, you will feel SO much better.
    I know you want this, I know you can do it. Hang in there and never give up on you!

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  9. I know exactly what you're talking about when it comes to feeling entitled. I do the same thing. Stay strong! :)

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  10. The entitlement things seems to be pretty come. We trick ourselves into thinking that food should be our reward and comfort for all our hard work, when really our reward should be a healthy mind and body. Way to figure it out and break the cycle!

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