In my case, food. I am a good mom and therefore I deserve that pizza. I work hard cleaning the house so I deserve that ice cream. I put up with everyone I live with who have strange and annoying quirks so I deserve that cake. No, not only do I DESERVE it, I'm ENTITLED to it.
I am entitled to anything I want to put in my mouth because of all the shit I deal with and all the shit I put up with and all the shit I live with.
Or, at least that's what I think.
In reality I am actually ENTITLED to live healthily. I am actually ENTITLED to feel my pain and be angry with shit I have to live with and be sad about the shit I have to deal with. I am ENTITLED to FEEL.
But no one has been robbing me of that ENTITLEMENT except me.
I am my own worst enemy. My own saboteur. My own kryptonite. I know what switches flip where and when and I allow them to flip on and off at will. I allow my buttons to be pushed and use it all as an excuse to use my facade of entitlement that is really just myself, a wolf in sheep's clothing, waiting to make me fail.
Yesterday I had 'started again' and then I made the mistake of going to the market ... Hungry.
In addition to lunch I also bought the new mini Reeses that you don't have to take the wrapper off of. Long story short, when I went to eat them later in the evening they were gone.
I was pissed, although looking back now it wasn't because they had been eaten but because they were mine and no one asked. That happens a lot around here. In any case, I pulled out a LARGE piece of chocolate cake that was actually my sister's and proceeded to eat 1/2 of it.
The thing though? It didn't taste good. I didn't really want it in the first place and afterward I felt like shit but DAMMIT if I wasn't entitled to that cake because someone ate my dessert without asking me.
As I lay in bed after I chugged milk for the heartburn the cake had caused I realized like a gazillion and one things. But the biggest things that kept flashing through my head?
1) I'm only 10lbs from where I started in January 2010.
2) no one can do this for me. Only I can do it for myself.
3) food is tasting seriously nasty and making me feel even worse
4) if I don't really take control, I'll be 500lbs before I know it
5) and lastly, I deserve and am entitled to love myself and want better for myself. I don't have to be the gluttonous self loathing Person I have been.
So here I am blogging instead if eating. My stomach hurts but not from heartburn. Instead it's growling because I'm not stuffing it full. My head hurts a little but not because I've overdosed on sugar. Instead, because I've not had any substantial sugar today and lastly ... My energy is up and my morale is as well. Forward and I'll be back if I am suddenly attacked by the 'wanting to fail' monster.