Seeing the faces of people who were such a huge part of my life after a decade of having not seen them is quite emotionally provoking.
Seeing the boys turn into men with successful careers and become daddies. To see the girls who I used to be friends with, or who I only knew from classes because we shared them and to see how they have become women and mommies and have made lives as adults. It really gets to me.
It makes me sad that I didn't appreciate the time with the people of my youth. That I was too busy being boy crazy and trying in anyway possible to rebel and see the one man I am now divorcing.
Seriously. Like, 11 years of my life focused on the one person who I am trying to get as far away as possible from. Irony? Karma? I don't know what to call it, but it leaves a sickening empty pit in my stomach. To think of the life I could have lived. The person I could have been.
Don't get me wrong, my babies are my life and I would trade them for NOTHING. Not even to go back in time and do it all different.
I miss my home. Washington is where I live. It's where my family and my things are and by many people's definition that is 'home'. But I miss California. I miss my streets. The places I used to hang out at. I miss the weather, the car washes, the culture, the diversity. I miss having a vast array of things to do from the beach, Disneyland, magic mountain, knotts, Santa Barbara, (although now that the Big Yellow House is gone it just wouldn't be the same) I miss the manicured neighborhoods, the palm trees, the sense of self worth in the residents. I miss feeling 'the need to look nice'.
Here you 'look nice' as long as your sweats and t-shirt aren't ripped and fit well.
I miss seeing familiar faces, hearing familiar names. I miss life there.
My 10 year reunion is coming up in 2012. I hope to go, if for nothing else than to see and smell and hear and be a part of what used to be my life. If only for a little while.
Which brings me to my weight. I don't know in what month of the year high school reunions are generally held but assuming the soonest would be January 2012 that gives me 8 months to shed as much of this weight as possible and if I can follow in Julia from JewliaGoulia's (gosh, I miss her) footsteps, maybe I'll be able to lose 100+ lbs in that time frame.
Today has been good. Breakfast in. No thoughts of failure. No need to eat or medicate by eating.
Yesterday ended at 1320 cals.
Today should be close to that as well.
Sorry for the super scatterbrained post but I was feeling super emotional so I thought I'd get it out. Cathartic? Yeah. I feel a lil better now.
Much love and until later.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone