Friday, May 27, 2011

METABOLIC FAIL + NEVER ENDING EXCUSES

The potential business venture with Metabolic Research Centers ended up being a no-go and honestly, when it took them almost a week to contact me I was pretty sure I knew which way the ball was bouncing. To say I am disappointed would not necessarily be true because while the staff was friendly, their demeanor and techniques for handling situations were poor at best.

During the week it took for them to answer me can you guess how good my eating habits were? I bet you can. I bet, you as my readers know that excuses is my middle name. And it's true. I used every excuse in the book to eat whatever I wanted. Not low calorie. Not low carb. Just low in nutrients and not much else.

Yesterday I pulled out 2 old desktop towers so I could backup all my old photos onto a flash drive and I found photos of me when I lived in Mexico between 250-265lbs. Wow! I was a completely different person. This coming week, after my laptop is done being refurbished I will post some of them. I'm jealous of my past self. I'm jealous of my tan skin and my high cheek bones.

I need to stop being jealous though because that person is still me. That person is still under all this fat. I just need to figure out how to turn off the 'I don't care' switch and turn on the 'I deserve to be thin and healthy and beautiful' switch. I need to realize that I am entitled to a better life. Why can't it sink in?

Maybe cuz most days I let myself look like this.


Every day I wake up telling myself, 'today is the day' and then I make 1 little mistake and the whole day is a bust. Not really but that's how I feel. See? Excuses! Full of em! They're never ending!

What's terribly sad is the cycle. I feel bad. I eat. I feel worse. I eat. I feel even worse and now guilty. I eat. I keep searching for something to eat that will satisfy something that can't be satisfied or fulfilled or fixed with food. You can't fix a transmission in a car by simply filling the tank with gas. You have to go to the actual problem.

My brain is the problem. I wake up thinking about food, spend all day thinking about food and go to sleep thinking about food. The biggest joke of all? I'm never thinking about what I want or what tastes good. I'm perpetually kicking myself because nothing I eat tastes good. Nothing I eat fixes anything and most of all, I don't even really want most of the things I do eat.

Sigh.

Today starts another day.



Breakfast was and always is easy.

Lunch, I generally have no problem with.

It's come 1-4 o'clock that a switch flips on telling me there is no point.

There is a point though and I have to get past myself to achieve my goals.

Now the question of the day:

How to get out of my own way??

Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

3 comments :

  1. Every day, five times a day, like the way Muslims set aside 5x a day, have the diet-prayer moment. Seriously, log down 5 time periods a day (schedule at meals and whenever your most troublesome times are foodwise, and just get down on the floor or on your knees or whatever, and pray for strength and focus on "Overeating is NOT an option. Eating healthfully is my only option." Ask God for strength. Focus on how you will eat. Imagine yourself trim and strong and your bone structure emerging.

    If you see yourself in those 250s pics as looking great, imagine yourself at 200 and 175.

    You CAN do this. Don't look for a rescuer. Rescue yourself. Write about a heroine with weight issues and how she transforms herself. This will inspire you. Focus you.

    And promise right here, right now to BLOG TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY for accountability. Whenever you are tempted, BLOG. Once in the am. Once in the evening. Once in between. Focus. Every day.

    The beginning is always the hardest.

    And read the books I recommended.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I wish that I had an answer for you. I've been in that self defeating mode/cycle and it's tough. I think that the trigger that releases you from that mindset is different for everyone.

    It is good that you realize that food isn't going to fix or satisfy the broken, empty situations and feelings. That is a first step, realizing that you are using food as your drug of choice. The hard part is getting to the place where food is nourishment for your body only and not a crutch to lean on or a treat to brighten your day.

    I'm praying that you will find your way.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am new to your blog but enjoy your writing style. I have 2 children as well, though I am significantly older than you! I am cheering you on from here - my best to you!

    ReplyDelete

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