During the week it took for them to answer me can you guess how good my eating habits were? I bet you can. I bet, you as my readers know that excuses is my middle name. And it's true. I used every excuse in the book to eat whatever I wanted. Not low calorie. Not low carb. Just low in nutrients and not much else.
Yesterday I pulled out 2 old desktop towers so I could backup all my old photos onto a flash drive and I found photos of me when I lived in Mexico between 250-265lbs. Wow! I was a completely different person. This coming week, after my laptop is done being refurbished I will post some of them. I'm jealous of my past self. I'm jealous of my tan skin and my high cheek bones.
I need to stop being jealous though because that person is still me. That person is still under all this fat. I just need to figure out how to turn off the 'I don't care' switch and turn on the 'I deserve to be thin and healthy and beautiful' switch. I need to realize that I am entitled to a better life. Why can't it sink in?
Maybe cuz most days I let myself look like this.
Every day I wake up telling myself, 'today is the day' and then I make 1 little mistake and the whole day is a bust. Not really but that's how I feel. See? Excuses! Full of em! They're never ending!
What's terribly sad is the cycle. I feel bad. I eat. I feel worse. I eat. I feel even worse and now guilty. I eat. I keep searching for something to eat that will satisfy something that can't be satisfied or fulfilled or fixed with food. You can't fix a transmission in a car by simply filling the tank with gas. You have to go to the actual problem.
My brain is the problem. I wake up thinking about food, spend all day thinking about food and go to sleep thinking about food. The biggest joke of all? I'm never thinking about what I want or what tastes good. I'm perpetually kicking myself because nothing I eat tastes good. Nothing I eat fixes anything and most of all, I don't even really want most of the things I do eat.
Today starts another day.
Breakfast was and always is easy.
Lunch, I generally have no problem with.
It's come 1-4 o'clock that a switch flips on telling me there is no point.
There is a point though and I have to get past myself to achieve my goals.
Now the question of the day:
How to get out of my own way??
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