Monday, December 26, 2011

Insecurity

My entire life I have been and felt insecure in one way or another. Academically I was only average. Socially I was awkward at best. Physically... Physically I was always a mess. From a very young age I had a round belly. I wasn't fat but the way my family dressed me with my pants cutting into my belly, forever splitting it into an upper and lower bulge left me damaged irreparably. As a tween I hated that my armpits were slightly darker than the rest of my skin. I thought something was wrong with me. Little did I know that when you are of Mediterranean descent, certain areas are more darkly pigmented. As a young teen I hated that my thighs touched or the way my butt looked when I sat down cross legged. As a teen I did everything in my power to hide my body. Baggy pants and baggier sweatshirts. As a mid teen I worried about the different sizes of my boobs, the hair that was just too dark to be on my upper lip or under my chin. I started shaving my upper lip when I was 16. I regret that because at that age the minute hairs were barely peach fuzz. Shaving only created a monster.

From my young childhood to present I have heard comments on my weight. Everything from nonchalant conversation, to crass insults, to sincerely concerned suggestions. I've heard all the names in the book, all the fat jokes and insults and of course I have had the list of potential health problems ticked off at each doctor visit where a weigh in is necessary.

Of everything in my life I am most insecure about my body. Most wouldn't know this from the way I present myself. I don't hide in oversized clothes or wear grandma clothes because I feel resigned to it. On the contrary most might even think of me as narcissistic because of my choice in clothes, hair style, the way I apply my makeup or the perfume I wear. But I'm not a narcissistic person, rather I am simply a little girl inside a fat adult body begging for approval. And the worst of it all? I'll never have the approval of the one I need the most.

My own.

So this blog is an aid to help me accept myself, change and better myself so I can let go of my insecurities and not worry anymore. Not worry about what others think or what they'll say or even worse, what I think they are thinking and what I think they want to say.

Come along with me on my journey and try to enjoy the ride. I predict an adventure!

5 comments :

  1. **sits down and settles in for the journey**



    MizFit

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  2. Love it and look forward to reading about it

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  3. This is the best part...learning to love yourself. Glad I'm here to see it.

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  4. I love the honesty I can feel from this post. I look forward to your journey.

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