Saturday, February 26, 2011

FEELING UNWORTHY - FEELING LESS

I've been pondering this concept for a long while.

FEELING UNWORTHY -  FEELING LESS

I feel less than others. Unworthy of what I logically know I am worthy of, but emotionally tell myself I am not. I feel less of an adult, less of a friend, less of a woman, less of a participant in life and less of a human. I am sure it is not all directly related to my weight but I think a majority of it is. Or at least half.

In my life as an adult I have always had to answer to someone. My husband or my mom namely. With both of them it felt and often feels as if I can do nothing right. With my husband, I didn't do the laundry the way he wanted, didn't wash the dishes when he wanted me to or how he wanted me to. We didn't have sex nearly as often as he wanted and every time we would fight he would insult me, degrade me and belittle me. I wasn't a good wife, I was a slob, I was stupid, I didn't know how to do anything. I was less of a woman because I didn't cook 3+ meals a day. I was less of a wife because I took my children to visit my family instead of waiting on pins and needles for him to get home from work. I was less of an adult because I preferred to argue and get it all out on the table than to hold it in and harbor resentment. With my mom, I am still a slob - so maybe that is true. I don't clean to her liking. Thankfully this is generally all she harps on me about. Except the rare times when she steps in and tries to control how I raise my children. That's when the hairs on the back of my neck really stand on end and I will fight back. Regardless, though, I have never felt independent. I have never felt confident in my decisions, always just waiting for the person who will question me. The person who will make me question myself.

In my current life I have very few 'in real life friends'. Having toddlers, being a single mom and living with your parents is not the way to have a flourishing social life. Not that I need or want one. Most of my friends who I feel I have a common interest and connection with are actually via the Internet whether it be people I met when I was pregnant, or people I have met on this weight loss journey. I have also met some people through Zumba and this is where things get tricky for me. It is so strange how I go from feeling as if I am on an even playing field with someone to feeling so vastly inferior.

Two examples are these:

There is a person in the blog world who I feel a connection to. She is a great person and we have a lot in common. Literally like a ton in common! The difference between her and me, though, is she has been far more successful on this weight loss journey than I have been. Perhaps it is a built in defense mechanism from being teased all my childhood and teen years but because she now lives in the world of the 'thin', I find it very difficult not to feel inferior. She is also married, and while my marriage isn't over (yet) I also feel inferior because of this. Stupid? Yes. Irrational? Absolutely. Still how I feel? Yep.

Another example is someone in my real life. She is in an authoritative position, but I love her. She has invited me out to lunch. Has invited me to her house and I agree half heartedly with a smile on my face but never make any attempt to go through with the invitations. I feel inferior to her. Too her small body. Her marriage. Her children. Her BIG house and her good heart? I feel like I don't deserve to be friends with a person as good as she is. Why? I honestly don't know. Again, the thought process is irrational and possibly quite immature, but it's how I feel.

And it sucks.

I've always felt less a woman. Being with a Mexican man who was born and raised in Mexico, he (I think) expected all women to be like Mexican women and he has always openly compared me to his ex-girlfriends. Well, if you were 'so and so' you would have done this and if you were 'so and so' you would have done this differently and if you were 'so and so' you never would have said or done that. I have had this line reiterated to me, time and time again over the last ten years. "Mejor, hubiera buscado una mexicana para tener alguien que me entiende y alguien que sepa hacer las cosas bien," which means, he would have been better off finding a Mexican girl who would have understood him and been able to do things well. If I had a dime for every time he said that to me I would be a rich rich rich RICH woman. He always used to tell me I was a 'spoiled American girl'. That I didn't understand true poverty, true hunger, true sacrifice. He told me that the girls he worked with did. They passed through the filthy rivers, they starved and went without sleep for nights to get into this country (illegally). They understand him. They can relate to him. And whether this should or should not make me feel bad, it does. Whether it should or should not, I have always felt less.

He has always reiterated (for what reason I am not sure) how fantastic his ex-girlfriend's bodies were. How they were short and slender with round butts and firm boobs. "Tenia un cuerpaso bien bonito," (she had a bangin' beautiful body) he said of his most recent ex one night after we had just made love. I cried myself to sleep that night, feeling so inadequate.

I always felt like I could never add up. I could never be what he wanted me to be. Thin, a better cook, a better housekeeper, Mexican. I could never be Mexican. The others I could attempt but I could never change my ethnicity and how I was brought up to please him. I always felt less. So much less.

In life, in general, I feel inactive. Like someone has pushed the pause button on me but the scenery is still playing. Everything is still happening around me but no matter how hard I push myself into the scenery it moves away to remain the background while I remain frozen in pause. I feel stagnant and alone.

Sorry this is such a downer post. I had to get this out. It still doesn't truly lift the weight of how I feel off my shoulders because I don't feel like anyone could understand exactly how I feel. I am sure there are women out there, though. Perhaps even in this community of weight loss. Who knows?

I'm done now though.

XO Kristen

REDUNDANCY: CAN IT EVENTUALLY BREED SUCCESS?

I'm lying here in bed, thinking of what I have done to myself. As in, during the span of my entire life. I have literally thrown away experiences and happiness in one shape or another because of my weight or even more bluntly, because I couldn't keep the food out of my mouth!

I wonder if there would have been a difference if someone said to me: here choose between the ribs and garlic mashed potatoes or a trip to magic mountain or choose between this ice cream cone and fitting comfortably in the airplane seat. Would I have still chosen the food? I honestly don't know.

My scale broke a week or so ago. I had put a new battery in it and it freaked out and now it's frozen in 00.0 mode even when I remove the battery. It's like it's possessed.

The 8th is coming soon, being that February is a short month and the 8th is shopping day. I have resolved to not coddle my family. If they want ice cream, cookies, chips, donuts, cake, pie, candy or the like they will have to use their own money. Which now might be difficult but I'll touch on that later.

My shopping cart will only hold the most essential items. Staples: eggs, milk, bread, lunch meat (generally turkey @ 60 cals per 6 slices) peanut butter & jelly for my sister's lunches, cheese (American for them and low cal laughing cow for me) as well as fruits, veggies, lean meats (including steak, chicken, fish *we love love love tilapia* and ground hamburger)

I'm exercising regularly. Zumba and then cardio/strength training at home with emphasis on strength training right now because my cardio options are limited with a flat stroller tire, no babysitter and the weather.

*and if you think thats an excuse than you've never attempted to run/jog/walk with 2 under 3 who love to fight and hurt one another when stuck in close quarters, with a flat jogger tire in the snow. NOT FUN! NOT EASY! NOT EFFECTIVE!

So, this is just me, back to my regular posting. I probably won't post as much. There's a lot going on in my life and I just don't think it's the right time to share it. But it's keeping me busy; physically, mentally and emotionally.

I'll be here though.

Because even if i fall again, there is no failure until the time I refuse to get back up. That time will never come and one day, sooner or later I WILL be a success!

Later bloggers

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


Thursday, February 24, 2011

A BIT OF FREE TIME - SHOPPING PHOTOS

My
'I'm sick & Can't be bothered to wear real clothes'
outfit.




First thing I tried on were these jeans.
Yikes.
Size 20 (still)
 and they fit, but very awkwardly




They made my butt look ridiculous




Just for comparison sake.
See, my butt doesn't look misshapen and lopsided
in my 'too big'  black stretch pants




Tank top I tried.
It was cute,
but I'll wait for summer
as hopefully my arms will look a bit better by then




Mama like
Mama bought




Mama no like
Mama feel ridiculous
Mama no buy




& a T-shirt
Liked it
Wanted to buy it
but it was so not worth
$30!!

XO Kristen

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

DROPPING IN & DROPPING BACK OUT

Just for Princess, & the two emails & 1 text I got:

I'm here.

I'm good.

Diet is good.

Exercise is fantastic.

It wasn't.

I was on a slippery slope.

Hence the ticker reverting.

It's changed though

& for the better

but I'm not updating yet.

Things are good now.

I've had some serious realizations

And I'm not ready to share them ... yet.

I still read.

I still lurk.

I'm not posting for a reason.

I'm taking a break.

I'm on twitter & FB often though if you want to find me there.

I have nothing to hide but right now, nothing to share either.

I'll be back.

Soon.

Goodnight

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

2 DAYS GONE

Yesterdays ending calories: 1392
Today's ending calories will be: 1496

Yesterdays zumba class kicked my ass. Every 6 weeks a new session begins with new songs, new dances, and new students.

The new songs and dances are seriously high intensity in comparison to previous sessions. Aside from being used to my instructor, I felt like last night was my first night going to Zumba...ever!! Craziness!

Im feeling good. Trying successfully to enjoy this process instead of obsessing over every single food choice and every single calorie. Staying under 1500 is my main priority with eating sensible foods coming in second.

After my unsuccessful attempts to stay at 900-1200 calories per day I feel reenergized and optimistic being able to eat a whole 300 more calories. Those 300 calories are the difference between insanity and enjoying this journey.

I choose to enjoy it. And successfully eating 1500 calories a day is not exactly indulging. I feel really good about it... This!

On another note, Sassy has an ear infection which is causing a horrid cough and congestion. Breezy is quickly coming down with a cough too.

Right now I'm watching last nights DVR'd Biggest Loser. Then I'll watch Parenthood and I'm excited for tonight's season premier of Survivor.

A lot of TV you say? Well, I'm relaxing. Sick kiddos, up all night holding, rocking, listening to the sobs, trying to keep them from choking on the phlegm in their throat, getting vomited on... Then cleaning the bathroom, & the kitchen (2x).

I am feeling entitled to a small day of relaxation.

So back to it!

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday, February 14, 2011

TOMORROW BEGINS...

Hell on earth ... I mean, my plan... Of course. My plan. Eat less. Move (LOTS) more.

I has my ghetto list of exercises to do. And when I say ghetto, I mean super ghetto. Check it out:





It's so ghetto, you can't even read the exercises cuz they're written in pencil. I thought in case I wanted to change anything up in the future.

There are 40 days on my ghetto exercise calendar. 1 month and 1 week approximately. I hope to lose a minimum of 12lbs in that time but am praying it's closer to 20.

I am also praying Mr. Groundhog was right and spring is right around the corner. I am very much looking forward to sunny, warm (even hot) days full of fresh air, exercise and naked baby bodies.

Why naked baby bodies you ask? Because both my girls hate wearing lots of clothes. Both love to run around in their panties-diaper and since they're still under 3 I figure they can.

I am of the thought process that I should not live too far ahead in the future. That a journey of one million steps (or in my case 120ish lbs) starts with one step ...err... Pound.

However one mini main goal I have is to be under 200 by beginning of September. For some reason the end of Summer and beginning of fall is significant to me. I also would like to be under 200 for my 27th birthday.

Eww! 27! That's a horrid number! Beside the fact that I hate odd numbers, I particularly dislike 27 as my age. Yuck! So close to 30, although 30 aesthetically is much more pleasing to my eye-mind.

Now that I have taken you on a windy twisty journey through this post I will leave you.

With this ...




My sick child still feels the fashion and the music in her bones!!



Breezy is totally Sassy's entourage.















We's out yo!

XO Kristen
& her Snazzy Rockstahs!

TODAY ... A PARODY... OR NOT

Hello and welcome to the infirmary. The only one of us not stricken is Breezy which means that the two biggest babies (Sassy & myself) are afflicted with sore throats, cough, heavy chest and runny noses while the actual baby watches us suffer and smiles ... Or sucks her lower lip.






This is Sassy.





And me. Not a sight to behold.






Thank God since that photo was taken, I have taken a shower (an event in itself which I will get to later) and look marginally less homely. I think the turbie really makes all the difference.






Last night I didn't go to sleep until 1:30 trying to keep miss Sassy comfy, not coughing and for all that is holy NOT CRYING! I know I've mentioned it before but this kid is ... Somethin else when she has any kind of ailment or affliction. There is almost no consoling her.

Which brings us to 4:30 when she decides she is tired of trying to sleep.

This is when mommy dearest (from one flew over the cuckoos nest) comes to life. Not really but you can imagine that being sick myself and only going on 3 hours sleep that there is no way I am ready to get up. So I slap some toons on the tv and back to sleepy mommy land.

At 7:30 when we all wake up my glorious angel of a mom offers to let me take a shower. Oh mercy, miracles do happen. Now, I may or may not have been unable to take a shower for the past few days. I may or may not have looked like death warmed over and perhaps smelled the same. Needless to say I took my mom up on her offer.

Not the most conventional shower I have ever had. Wash my hair. Ouch! It hurts! From being stuck in the same ponytail/bun for the last 3 days. Rinse. Conditioner. I hate the texture of conditioner.

Then I get to the nitty gritty of shaving where I may or may not have shaved my mustache, my knuckles, my forest of armpits, my toes, my feet and then...

'Mama!' Breezy is yelling outside the bathroom door.

So I hurry and shave my legs below the knee ( nothing sexier than hairy knees! ) and get outta the shower dry off and pull on my too big underwear.

:::sigh:::

I hate that my underwear is too big. Everything hangs out. So what is the point?? Geesh!

So after I am dressed I instinctively think, oh crap I forgot to take off my makeup. I had glance into the mirror pre-shower and had noticed the black rims around my eyes. So now, post shower I look again. Same black circles. Handy dandy wash cloth in hand I drag my fingers across the underside of my eye and nothin. Again on the other eye. Nothin. Only then, staring perplexed at the starch white wash cloth do I remember I'm not wearing makeup. The black rims are stress and fatigue plaguing my eyes! Gash!!

And now that I am dressed (sorta) what the heck do I do? No where to go and too sick to go even if there was. Was sposed to see the husband today but with the current events of illness attacking us that has been called off.

Happy Valentines Day to me!

I'm off to drown myself in Vicks vapo rub, Ricola throat lozenges, and bury myself in some pillows and blankets with Sassy until our diseases leave us.






XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, February 13, 2011

JUST TO CLEAR UP MY NONSENSE

I think many of my readers thought that in my previous post that I had posted photos of both my daughters, probably from the way I worded things. In actuality, all those photos are JUST of Sassy. The first few being from the morning when she felt like poopoo kaka and the last few after she had been changed and was feeling better.

So jut for reference sake.

This is Sassy.







THIS (who did not appear in the previous post) is Breezy.





And just for fun, the two of them together when they aren't trying to massacre one another.

They could ALMOST be mistaken for fraternal twins. Almost...









It may appear that Sassy was trying to eat her sister's face but all she wanted was a hug and a kiss.

Awww!!

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, February 12, 2011

A PLAN

My mind is on over drive. Even in my sleep I am counting calories, weighing, measuring, and obsessing. I'm tired. So so tired.

I've decided to take a mental health Valentines Day weekend which will be today, Sunday and Monday.

Now I'm not going to go on a massive binging spree. I will try to eat sensibly and still make good choices. What I am not, however, going to do is count, weigh and measure. I'm driving myself nuts!

Come Tuesday, I am going back to the beginning of my journey. The way I ate then. A breakfast under 400 cals including coffee and creamer plus 2 more meals and 2-3 snacks. No more than 1500 cals.

Exercise will of course be Zumba and I may incorporate other at home exercises but I figure that is where my cravings and urges to eat can be abolished. I will have a list of exercises.

Jumping jacks
Squats
Side squats
Modified pushups
Walking in place for 10 mins
Jogging in place for 5 mins
The step
Arm exercises

Every time I get the urge to eat, or I open the fridge or the pantry when I really shouldn't be eating because I'm really not hungry is when I will go down the list incorporating these exercises.

Each time I perform an exercise I will check it off and later plug those exercises into myfitnesspal.com until I am able to purchase my HR monitor.

This morning was a hard one. Sassy woke up sick. Poor thing threw up 4 times in 1 hour and wouldn't drink anything except her milk.

*I really need to get both Sassy & Breezy off the bottles.





She's in better spirits now that she had a nice long nap but I am exhausted.








Nice dark circles under my eyes huh? Lol

And lastly, as I've been writing this my oldest (2.5yrs old) was in the bathroom making herself beautiful.









Post cleanup face but with enormous sunglasses on her head. She's going to be a handful.


XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, February 11, 2011

TODAY I MAKE TINGA ... MMM MMM MMM

TOSTADAS DE TINGA 
An example via google for comparison sake with mine
AUTHENTIC MEXICAN DISH BROUGHT TO YOU FROM ME 
AS ONE OF MY FAVORITE FOODS IN MEXICO CITY

Recipe to feed 10 people 
(Because I will actually be feeding 10 people... LOL)

You will need:

20 roma tomatoes

4-6 Large red onions (depending on how much you like onion)

2 Large cans or 4 small cans of Chipotle chiles in adobo sauce
This photo includes 2 large cans and 1 small can of two different brands
They all taste the same to me
8 bone-in or (large) boneless chicken breasts (boneless makes it easier to shred but bone-in is usually tastier)

Tostada shells (the flat kind)

2 large cans of refried beans (black or pinto, whichever you prefer)
Yes, I know there are 3 here, but you only need 2
1 Bag shredded lettuce


2 wheels of Queso Fresco


1 jar of Crema Mexicana (I buy the brand Cacique with the white lid)


Prep Instructions:

Dice 15 tomatoes into thin slices (the thinner/smaller the slices the easier/faster they deteriorate)
You can cut them in squares or long thin slices it doesn't matter

You should end up with a TON of diced tomatoes
Dice 5 tomatoes into little squares you will sprinkle on top of the tostadas
Cover and refrigerate

Slice all onions into semi-thick rounds



Cooking Instructions:

Boil chicken in water (salted or unsalted) until fully cooked
I like to use two pots to make sure chicken cooks well

Drop em in




They are fully cooked when there is no pink left
In a large saucepan add tomatoes and onions to medium heat (stir often to prevent burning especially if your tomatoes were not particularly juicy - You can add water or chicken broth *from your boiling chicken* to juice things up)
Onions and tomatoes in large saucepans

Cover them

Use broth/stock once chicken is fully cooked to keep the onions and tomatoes cooking but not burning
*NOTE: I usually have to divide ingredients into 2 saucepans because I don't own any large enough to accommodate all the ingredients

Once fully cooked shred chicken finely
Let chicken cool for a few so you don't burn your fingers



Add chipotle chiles and sauce to the saucepan of tomatoes and onions once the onions are soft and the tomatoes deteriorated. *I do not have a photo of adding the chipotle sauce*
(Depending on preference, add few to no whole chiles - just the sauce - if you want your tostadas less spicy (they will be a little spicy regardless) and add more to all the whole chiles if you like some heat)
This is a chipotle chile (pickled jalapeno in adobo sauce)
If you want your tinga spicy, add these.
If not, drain the adobo sauce from the cans and leave the chiles alone.
Once ingredients in saucepan are simmering add the shredded chicken. Stir often and make sure to coat all the chicken in the tomato/onion/chipotle mixture. (I add salt here for taste but you can omit that)


Put lid on saucepan and keep on low heat stirring every so often

In  another pan put the refried beans and heat them up to preferred temperature

Grate the Queso Fresco


TO SERVE:

One tostada shell

Smear on some refried beans

Add a spoon full of the chicken mixture

Sprinkle shredded lettuce, queso fresco and diced tomatoes on top

Oops, I forgot the tomatoes
Drizzle some Mexican Crema (cream) and voila!

Tostadas de Tinga

Yum Yum!


Warning! They're messy!!
Have lots of napkins available!
I hope you enjoy as much as my family and I do!

Lastly,
Google's Tostadas Vs. My Tostadas


What do you think?

Lemme know if you try them and what you think.

XO Kristen

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