Wednesday, March 30, 2011

MONUMENTAL

Today could be the start of monumental changes in my healthy living lifestyle. I won't know for sure until tomorrow morning but the beginning of it all starts today and if it works out things could be getting really good. Really fast.

Will elaborate more when I know more.

In other news, yesterday was my sister's 18th birthday.

There was chocolate cake, lemon cake, ice cream, baklava, chocolate, candy etc.

I took a bite of baklava (I usually LOVE baklava... Hello! I'm Greek! Lol) but it was dry and horrible. So I tasted some chocolate cake and OMG tooooooooooooooo sweet! My tastebuds revolted!

All this to say, two years ago at my sister's 16th birthday, not only would I have eaten the dry baklava even though I didn't like it, I would have also eaten the cake x 2 or 3 pieces... Even if it was too sweet which 2 years ago, there was no such thing.

And even with only the little I did indulge in I feel like CRAP! Been to the potty more than a handful of times between bed last night and now and my tummy feels whacked out.

Back on track today and when we have her big birthday bash this weekend, I know better than to indulge. I'll have some tri-tip and a bit of potato and some roasted brussel sprouts but I'll pass on dessert and appetizers.

It's just not worth it.

*insert squeal here as I remember the potential changes coming soon to this journey!*




More later!

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday, March 28, 2011

A PESSIMISTIC OUTLOOK ON WEIGHTLOSS & YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED

It is of a few weight loss bloggers opinions that a small loss while indulging a bit is not to be celebrated when you could have taken greater control and not indulged and therefore had a bigger loss.

I am not of this mindset. Coming from an all time high of 372lbs and daily binging, I know that a loss of any magnitude is progress and should not be scoffed at or looked down upon.

At 372lbs and eating a minimum of 4000 calories a day it should be applauded when that same person chooses 1 slice of pizza instead of the whole pizza. Because it is progress.

It is like a small child. You don't berate a baby when they don't go from infancy to walking perfectly. Generally they scoot first, crawl next and then when they finally stand up on wobbly legs they will inevitably fall down numerous times. But would you scoff at them and say, 'why do you fall down when you only need to put one foot in front of the other.'

No. You wouldn't say that.

In the same way, a former daily binger should be proud when they progress regardless of the magnitude of that progress. When they lose weight regardless of if it's is 10lbs in a week or .5lbs in a week. It is ALL progress and to belittle it is to belittle the persons efforts. As if they don't matter. As if they aren't significant enough to be considered 'real progress'.

Do you agree?

On another topic, I was e-mailed by three separate people with related and very similar questions regarding my divorce.

Are you having a parenting plan put in place?

The simple answer is yes.

There is a hearing for the temporary order of a parenting plan on April 6 and hopefully the real permanent parenting plan will follow.

Are you going to have him deported for fraudulent marriage?

While I get the idea of this question it isn't as easy as just deporting him and I have no proof of fraudulent marriage. Just circumstantial stuff. There are many factors that go into having someone deported, not to mention he is my girls' father and even though he may have committed fraud in order to get here legally, the statute of liability has likely come and gone and even if it hasn't do you think with all the illegal people in this country that the United States is going to make a non criminal potential fraud case high priority? I think not.

Lastly,

I was told in an email in more than enough words that my husband is the father of my children, has just as much right to them as me and that I am knowingly keeping them from him which will cause the courts to give him 50% custody.

Now, I don't know if this person is a troll trying to get to me or a real life person. I emailed them back and it didn't come back as unsendable so we'll see.

In case they don't get or decide not to respond to my email I will have it be known.

1) my husband is a Mexican national who has talked about going back to Mexico since we moved back from there in 2006. He is therefore a flight risk.

2) my husband is physically, mentally and emotionally abusive.

3) my husband has neglected his parenting responsibilities since my first daughter was born. He chose to be in Mexico for his brothers wedding (his brother had already been with his girlfriend / wife for 20+ years and had 6 children together)

4) he has NEVER done any of the following:

Changed a diaper
Prepared a bottle or meal and fed the children
Gotten them dressed
Woke up with them in the middle of the night
Dealt with a sick child

All he knows how to do is say 'I love you' which I seriously doubt he knows the meaning of and buy them crap they don't need and toys inappropriate for their ages.

Things he has done that make him negligible and dangerous to their well being?

Let's them play with wires and wrap them around their neck

Has played with a plastic bag over his head which makes them think that is ok

Let's them at 1 & 2 walk alone. No hand and not even watching them in places like department stores, supermarkets and parking lots.

He leaves dangerous things such as scissors, knives, safety pins, razors and other detrimental objects within their reach.

He watches inappropriate programs with them. Highly violent (think the movies 300 & Gladiator) with them and doesn't see anything wrong with that.

And he has a horrible temper that he uses at my girls' high emotional momenta to rev them up even further. He has even gone as far as to shake Sassy violently when she wouldn't stop crying.

I could go on for days but I think that will suffice.

I did not, nor would I ever keep my girls from their father inevitably. If they haven't seen him it's because he has decided not to make the effort to meet us halfway. And if I were ever to stop them from seeing him on a particular occasion it would be because I felt that their well being was at risk.

That's all

XO Kristen

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WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE...

. . . to have an hour to myself to walk on a treadmill, run on an elliptical, ride a bike and/or do some strength training on some so intended machines.

I can't right now, though.

I have no monetary income except the EBT that the state gives me and the pennies I can squeeze out of my husband for bills or *gasp* ... Diapers.

(I am honestly so looking forward to the day when both my girls are completely potty trained so that never again do I have to hear 'again? You just bought them!')

Hopefully the temporary motion will get me a little more cash flow so I don't have to ask beg plead make myself inferior and submissive to get diapers or clothes for my daughters or god forbid they need something silly like a new toothbrush.

Given he actually adheres to the motion and isn't a typical jackass like so many men, I should be receiving a decent little chunk of change every month. Definitely nothing to live off of long term and most definitely not enough for what it takes to raise two children . . . but when does the government ever do anything logically?

I get a friggin motherload on EBT for myself and my two toddler daughters but I get about $200 less in child support. Does that makes sense? ((shrugs))

In any case, after some stressful events today dealing with the husband I must admit that I didn't cope well. I controlled my urges to binge. I didn't binge. ((sigh of relief))

But I did a little damage.

I had held it together so well until around 2 o'clock when he texted me about seeing the girls tomorrow and I asked him what time. He has taken to being very selective in which texts he does and doesn't answer. So, after he hadn't responded for almost 20 minutes, I called him. Just. To. Get. A. Time. Bad move on my part. I should never call him.

He was already at work. I could tell by the sounds of the dishes clanging around.

And then I heard a female voice,

'Hola Arturin, como estas," and a distinct sound of a kiss (probably a cheek or air kiss as his culture is accustomed to . . . at least I'm hoping) near the phone and then his response in an overly flirtatious tone and he continued this little conversation while I am sitting on the phone waiting for the simple answer about when he was going to come see the girls. Then! He has the nerve to hang up on me without saying anything more to me.

So, regardless of whether I am divorcing the guy or not, it still stings. I did love him. On some level I think I still do. He is my girls' father and what I thought was the person I would spend forever with, so yeah it stings.The purposeful flirtatiousness while I'm on the phone and maybe it's just because we had so many issues with the intimacy of his female 'friendships' while we were together. I don't know.

Can you tell I am a highly insecure person??  ((That was sarcasm just in case you couldn't read the inflection))

In any case, those insecurities and my own self loathing surfaced.

But I DID NOT binge.

Thank God for some level of self control, even if it was only by the skin of my teeth.

XO Kristen

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Saturday, March 26, 2011

WOW, IM JUST ALL OVER THE PLACE WITH THIS ONE GUYS, SO IF YOU FEEL UP TO IT, BEAR WITH ME . . .

Warning: typing on about 5 hours sleep from the night before. Today has been a frazzled kind of day. Feeling a bit low, a bit sad, a bit contemplative, a bit emotional and a little overly dramatic at the end . . . continue if you dare . . . lol

It is 9:00PM and my day is just about over. The girls are sleeping, laundry is done, house is picked up, and I’m sitting here in bed feeling quite conflicted. Yet the harder I think about why I feel this way, the more confused and frustrated I become. Of course, I could just blame it on the stress of being a single mommy to two demanding toddlers plus the roller coaster that divorce ALWAYS is. It would just be so easy to blame my unknown feelings on the OBVIOUS. But it FEELS like something else. I just don’t know what.

Tomorrow we are going to church for the first time in ages. Breezy hasn’t been since she was probably about 4 months old and Sassy about the age Breezy is now (18-19 months old) I’m excited and nervous. Sassy has separation anxiety so I always feel bad leaving her anywhere that isn’t with my family because I don’t want her to be scared. BUT I figure church is a great place for her to learn independence considering she is going to be attending pre-school next year and Mommy can’t stay there either. Breezy on the other hand is perfectly happy to wave goodbye to me. Which also worries me because I feel like she would up and leave with just anyone who she deemed interesting enough. I have to make sure on all papers (whether it be at church, the gym, play land at the market, wherever) that they are to leave with no one but me (or in the case of school, their emergency contacts)

Yesterday, the husband texted me saying that he so missed playing with his girls and that he was very sad because he knew those times would never come back. (I’m assuming he meant when he played with them *or actually just Sassy because Breezy was too little* when we lived together as a family) In any case I tried really hard to be supportive and nice and explain that he won’t have to miss out with his girls but because I kept the conversation focused on them, I think he thought I missed the whole point of his complaint and suddenly decided to give me the cold shoulder . . . and honestly, that is OK with me. It is very hard for me when he cries and begs and blubbers and pleads and sobs. It makes me feel bad and it makes me question myself and my reasoning, my motives. But then he turns around and changes (as usual) from Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde, giving me the cold shoulder, telling me no matter what I say or ask that ‘the judge will decide that’, ‘the courts will decide that’ … yada yada yada.  It’s when he turns into this cold, inhuman person that I remember why I am doing this. I feel validated in my reasoning and all doubts leave my mind. So, I would actually prefer the asshole-ish side of him.

In a recent post I talked about how the girls are told they are going to see their dad and then he lets them down and several comments/e-mails suggested I not tell them when they are going to see him and when he shows up, let that be the surprise. Well, in an ideal world that would be fantastic. The problem? I don’t tell them when they are going to see him. He tells them. He’ll call and ask to talk to them … Like he did today … and he’ll talk about seeing them in a couple days or ‘tomorrow’ or ‘later today’ and once he spits the words out, there’s no way for me to shove them back down his throat. Then he texts or calls ME to tell them that he isn’t coming and I quote: (Translated from Spanish to English) ‘Tell my little girls that I love them so much and that I send them tons of kisses. Thanks. Have a good day.’ < --- That is his signature goodbye for every conversation but it seriously irks me that he doesn’t have the balls to call them and tell them himself. I feel like they think I’m a ‘bad mama’ cuz I’m the one that tells them daddy isn’t coming, as if somehow I stopped it or wouldn’t let him.

Today's meals looked like this:

Breakfast was sandwich thin with 1/2 TBSP Nutella and 1/2 TBSP peanutbutter on 100 cal toast plus coffee and creamer.

Snack was an apple.

Lunch was chunk light tuna in water mixed with creamy light dijon mustard and (get this - I know it sounds gross) but Chachies Mango Peach Salsa. It was soooooo friggin good and dill. I ate that with about 12 crackers.

Snack was some tortilla chips + more of that Mango Peach salsa.

Dinner was acorn squash with 2 TBSP brown sugar and some plain noodles.

Dessert was a serving (50 pcs) honey graham cracker fishies.

For a total daily intake of 1499 calories. 1 under. I'm soooo proud.

I am not however so proud that I haven't exercised much. Yes, I am up down and in and out and all over the place with the girls, picking them up, putting them down, sitting on the floor, standing up, walking here and there and everywhere but no traditional exercise, which kinda peeves me off. But (shrugs) if I was so mad about it I should make time for it, right? LOL. Right.

Onto something that kind of has me in physical agony right now; the fact that my skin tears. Yup, you read right. My skin that is where my thigh and belly meet (groin area) is so thin and fragile I actually have tears in it?!?! WTF! And it hurts like a mother! I've put hydrogen peroxide and Neosporin on it in hopes it heals quickly. This isn't the first time it has happened and it drives me nuts. Anyone else have fragile skin anywhere on their bodies? How do you keep it from stretching/ tearing?

Ok, so besides 'him' and my skin issue and my good intake + not so great burn, life is good if not a bit tedious at the moment. I’m ready for wint-ing or spri-nter to be over. < -- those being a mixture of winter and spring. I am ready for summer. Sun. And all that entails. Warm … even hot weather. Lighter clothes. Going outside. Taking walks. Looking at flowers and worms and bugs and frogs with the girls. I want to wear flip-flops and get the fun flip-flop tan on me feet and wear my hair in a ponytail that won’t frizz because there won’t be any rain. I want to go to the river and the parks, watch the airplanes and the huge freight trains and the steamboats and the windsurfers. I want to play ball with the girls in the grass and drag out the plastic kiddy pool and have them jump around in it getting everyone wet. I want the smell of the BBQs and yes, the summer food. Watermelon, berries, fresh fruit, Popsicles, and cold cold cold iced tea.  I want the evening parties around neighbors’ fire pits, roasting marshmallows (even though I hate marshmallows) and talking and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes but laughing about it because the alternative is clouds and rain and winter all over again.

As I have been writing this there has been something gnawing at the back of my mind. Something that I can’t quite grasp but a question that just touches the edges of the tidal wave of feelings, emotions, thoughts and ideas keeps popping up. Who do you want to be?

As a kid we are asked, ‘WHAT do you want to be’ and generally we would answer with a profession of some kind. I want to be a MODEL, or a FIREFIGHTER, a DOCTOR or a VETERINARIAN. But no one ever asks (at least not to me) WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE?

Obviously we cannot change our identity. We are who we are regardless of the ability to change our names and our appearance. But in a sense we can determine and decide WHO WE WANT TO BE. And as I write this, I have no idea WHO I WANT TO BE because I STILL DON’T KNOW WHO I AM.

Can one be defined by her job? I’m a mom. But there’s more. Can I be described by my aspirations? I want to be an author. A bestselling author. But I’m not … yet. But even still there’s more. So much more. More depth, more of me. 

AND EVEN STILL I look at that and think, is that WHO I REALLY WANT TO BE.

My name is Kristen. I am 26 years old and aging with every passing moment. I am 5’3 and ¾ and the only way to change that is to put on heals. I have pale skin, freckles and big features.  Deep nail beds, a longer second toe, unbelievably flexible joints, a strange tongue, no tonsils or adenoids and a signature scar that will forever bare the tales of the births of my two angels.

The rest?

It’s all up to me.

WHO DO I WANT TO BE …

I don’t know the answer yet. Apparently I am at a point where I need to start figuring that out and I guess it’s now because I have never had the opportunity before.

My blog name has never felt more relevant than at this moment, because I am literally Kreating Kristen.

What do I want in life?

What will I strive for?

What do I like? Dislike?

What do I believe?

Has it all been persuaded by the circumstances of my past or will I find I truly do know myself better than I think.

I guess I’ll have to find out. So stay tuned if you’re interested cuz your guess is as good as mine …  

XO Kristen

PASSED DAY 2!! NUTELLA & QUESTION FOR YOU

So today is technically day 4 since I weighed myself. Wednesday I struggled and ultimately ate over calories, but not half as bad as I had been eating. Thursday was my first great day but the first day is always easy for me. It's jumping into day 2 with the same momentum and getting through the entire day without messing up and... I did it! Today is day 3 of being on track (day 4 since weigh in) and I'm feeling really good. I don't feel panicky or deprived and I cheated and weighed myself and I'm already down 3.4lbs which I am sure is water weight but I've been exercising (hello familiar muscle ache!) and I'm just feeling really awesome!

So, the day before yesterday my mom brought home a jar of Nutella. I had seen it on tv and in the stores but didn't really believe that something made out of hazelnuts, milk and cocoa could taste too good. Well... I was wrong! It is better than good! It is fantastic! I do need to be careful because it exceeds peanutbutter calorically. 200 cals per 2TBSP!! Holy crap!

So on my morning toast I put 1/2 TBSP peanut butter and 1/2 TBSP Nutella plus 1/4 banana and OMG! It's like dessert only with a ton of protein, fiber ... And yes, unfortunately, sugar.

Sassy's toast that she decided not to eat. My mind is trying to tell me to eat it but I won't.



And now for the questions!!

I want both calorie counters and point counters to answer this. Unfortunately this is not a question for low carbers.

So for you calorie counters:

Do you count calories for fresh fruits and veggies?

If you don't, why?

If you do, do you find yourself having to cut down on other foods in order to get in your 5 servings of fruits and veggies respectively?

For you point counters:

On the WW Pointsplus plan fresh fruits and veggies are free (0 points)

If, for example, you eat an entire squash for dinner, (but are still under your 5 servings of veggies) do you count the squash for points? or is it still 0?

What happens if you go over 5 servings in a day? Is there a point value assigned to fruits and veggies?

Thanks in advance

My husband was supposed to be served last night. I hope he was. He texted me last night but didn't mention it. I'm getting kinda antsy because I just got my attorneys bill and holy mother effer!! I about blew a gasket when I saw the amount for a month worth of service. Deep breath. It's all good. I will live.

And lastly, Sassy and Breezy had a playdate yesterday.





And then Sassy had to come home and make sure she was still as beautiful...






XO Kristen

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Thursday, March 24, 2011

A TRUE SUCCESS

Consists of:

Sandwich thin + 1 TBSP peanut butter + 1 TBSP sugar free strawberry jam + coffee + 2 TBSP creamer

Light Caesar salad kit + 2 TBSP mango sals + 3 thin slices deli turkey + cutie

1 cup raisin nut coleslaw + entire steamed acorn squash + 1 TBSP margarine + 1.5 TBSP brown sugar + fresh mango

Another cup coffee + 2 TBSP creamer + Quaker rice cake mini delights

Today's total: 1430
Today's target: 1500

Was I satisfied? YES

Did I crave anything? NO

Am I hungry now, 2 hours after dinner? NO!

Will I eat more? NO

Goodnight


XO Kristen

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I PUT THE SH IN SHAME NOT SHRED

So I did it and I'd like to say I rocked it but in actuality it rocked me ... And just about killed me.

Id also like to say I finished it buy it finished me far in advance.

Of course, there really is no excuse. It's all in the mind right?

My one problem is that my mind isn't on exercise when my chiklets are with me. My mind is on them.

Stay away from mommy or I'll l accidentally backhand you mid jumping jack.

Don't climb under mommy while I'm attempting to do a pushup. I'll smoosh you.

Don't hit your sister.

Dont tackle your sister.

I said stay over there so I don't hit you.

Please don't lean on me while I'm doing squats!

No, I don't want to sing or talk while I do this! I can barely breathe!


Not to mention I HATE the sound of Jillians voice! She makes me want to hit the TV but I can't mute her because then while I'm concentrating on my moves I can't hear when I'm supposed to change!

Damn you Jillian Michaels!

And now we are all very tired!

Maybe it will get easier with time and practice!

Hahaha!

Riiiiggght!






That's just silliness...

XO Kristen

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SHREDDING MYSELF TO PIECES & FUN TIMES IN THE GARAGE AKA MY NEW APT

So I've decided, in an attempt to not snack or feel compelled toward the kitchen, every time it happens and that urge/panic/anguish/emotion hits that makes me want to make a mad dash for the fridge I will exercise. 25/50/75 jumping jacks or reverse crunches (my botched spinal from 2 years ago impedes my ability to lay on the ground at all let alone do real crunches), run in place or if I have time, do Jillian Michaels 30 day shred.

I've asked permission from my bosses to utilize the television.




They examined my Job performance and decided I was above the curve and completely worth it (for my morale especially)




But they informed me that I had to do the WHOLE video to make it worth my while (excluding the crunch portion)







These two are slave drivers, (can't you tell) but I think I can do this!

In other news, my grandpa is building an apartment out of the garage on my moms house and it's coming along really awesomely! It will have 2 bedrooms, a huge bathroom, and a living room (like a mother-in-laws quarters minus a cooking area)

Here is the progress so far:



THE PREVIOUSLY BARREN WALLS ARE NOW
INSULATED, DRY WALLED AND ARE SPORTING 2 NEW WINDOWS!




THE BLUE TAPE DESIGNATES WHERE BEDROOMS, CLOSETS AND THE LIVING ROOM WILL BE. UNFORTUNATELY MY IPHONE DOES NOT HAVE A CAMERA ANGLE WIDE ENOUGH TO GET THE ENTIRE SPACE.




MY SOON TO BE FRONT DOOR WHICH HAD TO ME RAISED TO HOUSE LEVEL
(THE FLOOR WILL BE RAISED ALSO)




THE RECYCLE BIN WILL DISAPPEAR, THE WATER HEATER AND AIR SYSTEM WILL DISAPPEAR BEHIND A UTILITY CLOSET AND THAT WALL WITH ALL THE WOOD LEANING AGAINST IT WILL OPEN UP INTO THE BATHROOM AND THE REST OF MY NEW BEDROOM WHICH IS CURRENTLY THE VERY SMALL BEDROOM THE GIRLS AND I SHARE.

THE GARAGE DOOR WILL DISAPPEAR AND A FLUSH REGULAR WALL WILL REPLACE IT.

AND THE GRAFFITI ON THE DOOR IS FROM PREVIOUS OWNERS, ALTHOUGH I DO AGREE

'TODAY, IT'S ALL GOOD'


I will update with my adventures of shredding, once I'm done. Until then . . .

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

STARTING completely OVER

Started over (again) today. Completely. A total mental RESET. I've contemplated a new blog, a new audience, and decided that would be silly. I needed to reevaluate myself, my goals, my approach and give myself a complete (mental) reset/restart ...

So today was day 1. As you can see by the 'Biggest Loser' style scale in the top right corner I weighed in today at a sodium swollen, carb bloated, sugar riddled 293.4lbs.

Wow.

But no sense in berating myself (still) about what is done. Now it's time to just suck it up and fix what's messed up!

Weigh ins on Friday mornings.

Monthly photos on the first.

Yada yada blah blah blah.

My girls' father is making me feel like an ass. I am petitioning for a temporary motion for him to pay my car payment (because he said he didn't want to pay it) child support (because he doesn't and has never paid it) as well as putting a parenting plan in place.

I feel like an ass because he is paying my car now (as of today) without even knowing about the petition.

Nothing is changing though. The divorce will go through this time. He and I are not good for each other.

And with my divorce from him I will also petition my divorce from my addiction to food.

It has been and will be a long journey but I will get there. No matter how many times I fall down.


XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

SQUINT AS YOU APPROACH ME LEST YOU BE BLINDED...

The quote is actually,
"SQUINT AS YOU APPROACH ME LEST YOU BE BLINDED BY MY BEAUTY."

But as we can all see from the picture below I am anything but the picture of beauty.

More like the picture of stress / insanity / lunacy / you name it.


Things on the divorce front are not pretty and not because I stopped the divorce and not because he's being ugly or is contesting my petition.

It's ugly because he is refusing to be served. He is refusing anything. I want this done and over and he thinks it's fun or cute or at least less stressful to sit on his ass and watch me and my lawyer scramble to try and get him served.

I wanted him served in Washington so that his response time would be limited to 20 days but being the ass he is and as non proactive as he is it looks like I may have to serve him in Oregon where he lives which would give him a response time of 60 days. Gahh!!

Something else pissing me off in all of this? These faces:







And no, it's not these faces themselves but these faces after they have been told by their father on 4 occasions that he is going to see them and then renigging and having to tell them Daddy isn't coming.

I don't like to make my babies sad.


(this sad face was staged and no baby was actually made sad in the making of this post)

Anyway, just popping in real quick. Now I have to go change this:


Because she's asphyxiating me with her... Odor. Lol

XO Kristen

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Friday, March 18, 2011

DIVORCE

Dotted all the i's, crossed all the t's. Paperwork for divorce will be in the courts by 5pm and on Mon he has agreed to pick it up at my lawyers office.

I'm stepping away from everything in my life right now that is not directly related to my girls and immediate family.

I don't know for how long and I *might be back periodically but I am not leaving forever.

I'll miss this community while I'm gone. Please pray if that's your thing.









XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

A JOURNEY OF CHANGE (REPEAT) +

With nothing to write except more depressing current life events, I found myself delving into my past. The part of this journey that was full of light and success and (weight) loss. I came across the following post and decided to re-share it with everyone. It really touched on some things I am currently feelings and is helping me to remember what it's like to be excited about this journey. What it's like to eat to live, not live to eat. What it's like to have goals and actually feel capable of striving toward them. So here it is . . .


A JOURNEY OF CHANGE


All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

Tears welled up in my eyes when I read this. I don't know why. Maybe because it rang true. Maybe because in that truth I found my own fear. 

Every man, through fear, mugs his aspirations a dozen times a day. ~Brendan Francis

This journey that I'm we are on is a journey wrought with change. So much change, in fact, it is amazing that we are able to wake up daily and recognize our own lives. The BIG changes aren't even so much physical. Of course there is the smaller portions of food, less calories, less sugar, less fat, less of this and less of that. There is change in our bodies. Less fat, more muscle, less retained water and more range of physical activity. However, while these changes, are our motivation - our inspiration - what keeps us moving forward, these are NOT the BIGGEST changes taking place in our lives.

The BIGGEST changes taking place are the difference in confidence, the difference in self deprecation, the difference in the way we see food, thing about food and exercise. It is about the way we see others and the new way others see us. It is about finding who we are underneath the fat, underneath the comfort, underneath the shield, underneath the fear.

I must admit, this is a really scary journey for me. I am nowhere near a number on the scale that I have never been before. Once I'm in ONE-derland I will be able to stake that claim and yet, still I find myself uneasy. Uneasy about my body and what people think of me and how people perceive me. Uneasy about my relationship with food and if it is healthy - yet. I feel guilty at times, but most often I'm not sure what about. I feel exposed, as though with each pound shed the real me is shining through and that is SCARY! Why? Because I don't think I KNOW the real me.

Most scary, though, are my emotions. Somewhere along the way, I read this (I think it was on Drazil's blog) about feeling things more intensely once one starts losing weight. For people who use food to numb themselves, to calm themselves, to alleviate stress, to rationalize trauma, to HIDE and SUPPRESS their feelings, I think for these people this journey is the scariest.

It used to be that when I became X (ie: happy, sad, angry, jealous, frustrated, stressed, etc) that I would eat. Eat to celebrate. Eat to mourn. Eat, Eat Eat!! Now, I eat for nutrition, energy and my feelings are left standing out there by themselves like nerve endings in an open wounds. With a band aid (food) the nerve endings are protected from everything. Sure, a bump here, a scrape there might send a little twinge once in a while but rip that sucker off and those nerves feel EV-ER-Y-THING! Happiness is confusing and anti climatic. How do I celebrate if I can't eat? Sadness at any level suddenly merits deep torrential sobs. The fuse on anger and frustration no longer exists. It's 0-150 in 3 seconds flat and there's nothing to stop you from ripping the head off the next person who speaks to you, or wanting to hang your mouthy toddler up by her big toes over the toilet, or thinking of serving up your dog/cat who just soiled your carpet - again - for dinner. You become a 1000 headed Hydra when someone looks at your significant other suggestively and stress on any scale could send you to the corner, crying, sucking your thumb, pulling your hair out and eating it. **This is all exaggerated for the purpose of the point. Please know I do not nor would I ever do the aforementioned things. That doesn't mean when I'm at my wits end that I don't doze off into dreamland and imagine them happening.

(REDACTED)
And a closing quote:

Reality check: you can never, ever, use weight loss to solve problems that are not related to yourweight. At your goal weight or not, you still have to live with yourself and deal with your problems. You will still have the same husband, the same job, the same kids, and the same life. Losing weight is not a cure for life. ~Phillip C. McGraw, The Ultimate Weight Solution: The 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom, 2003

The Fat Chick

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

REALITY

Sometimes I can pretend like I'm a rock. Like nothing really affects me. I'm strong, hardcore. I am thick skinned and can face controversy, head on confrontation and evil without batting an eyelash.

Not tonight.

Tonight I have been stripped of my strength and I have sunk into this deep dark place. I have no motivation to even try to get out. And in this deep dark place I have succumb to weakness.

I'm sad. I feel alone. I know I'm not but I feel it.

But then in this life we are all alone. Within ourselves.

We are born surrounded by people (or at least our mother) but we are alone. We live life, with all its joy and all its pain, surrounded by people but essentially alone. And we die the way we were born, sometimes with more people surrounding us or sometimes less but regardless we are in it . . . alone.

Tomorrow's a new day and I will be seeing my lawyer . . . again.

XO Kristen

Sunday, March 13, 2011

TODAY HAS BEEN AN EMOTIONAL SLAP IN THE FACE

I really don't know how I'm feeling right now. Angry. Check. Anxious. Check. Scared. Check. Nervous. Check.

This morning I spoke (via text) to the girls' dad and we spoke about meeting tomorrow so he could see them. On several occasions he proved to be his childish self but when I told him I had an appointment at 3:00 and if he could come earlier than 11:30 to spend more time with the girls.

He got pissed. Told me if I thought I was going to limit his time with his girls than I was mistaken and that I was to leave them with him when I went.

I kindly told him that that would happen over my dead and cold body to which he responded that one day he would take them whether I liked it or not.

I took that as a threat because he has a history of threatening me with my children and called the police to file a report.

Little did I know that his threats are not a criminal offense and that no matter what I consider harassment, what he does (texting me over and over every day) is not considered harassment. Who woulda known?

The police officer did give him a little call though, warning him that if his behavior escalated he could potentially go to jail and that he wasn't to text me anymore today.
He also told him that there was no way he could force me to take the girls to see him because there is no parenting plan on place.

I plan to change that tomorrow. Back to the lawyer and I give my readers permission to come to Washington and kick my ass if I ever so much as mention stopping divorce proceedings again.

On a brighter note, breakfast was everything bagel thin + garlic & herb Laughing cow cheese wedge + three egg whites + coffee and creamer

Snack was strawberries and 16 sour dough pretzel bites.

Lunch was garlic chicken spring rolls ( lean cuisine ) + sweet chilli sauce.

Snack was a nectarine.

Dinner will be kielbasa sausage with a cup of white rice and steamed broccoli with a dollop of mayo.

Does super stress count as exercise?? (just kidding)

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


Saturday, March 12, 2011

A QUESTION FOR MY READERS

How do you feel about the people you follow?

Do you care when they don't post for long periods of time?

How do you feel about bloggers who just disappear?

And how do you feel about bloggers who decide to stop what they are doing to start over fresh somewhere else? Somewhere new.

Would you follow?

Just curious

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

THIS. . .


Makes me sad.

Especially when it's followed by this . . .






I hope you come back Julia. Even though we didn't know each other personally I still feel like I've lost a really great friend!



XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, March 11, 2011

ALMOST LAID THE SMACK DOWN

Yesterday Breezy got her shots. 4 total, 2 in each leg. She was a trooper and today it's as if nothing ever happened!





After her shots, though, she was a bit cranky so we stopped at a fast food restaurant to get a bite (I had a salad) and let her calm down.

After we ate, my gramma (who had gone with me to help with Sassy) went to the counter to order coffee for herself and me. There was an older man behind her who already seemed frustrated with life.

So when the girls, who were hanging all over my gramma, wanted the coffee cups my gramma asked the cashier for 2 empty cups. The man behind her started huffing and sputtering with exasperation.

I didn't think anything of it but then as he was ordering Breezy, who was feeling a bit better, started spinning around next to me while I made my coffee.

The crotchety old coot who was ordering looked over with disdain and disgust all over his face and shook his head.

By now his attitude was starting to bother me but I didn't say anything. After all he was older and could potentially just be having a really bad day.

So my gramma and I took the girls outside to get in the car. As I'm getting Sassy in the car all of a sudden I hear HHHOONNNKKKK!! It startled me so bad I smacked my head on the car.

Come to find out it's Mr. Crotchety who was put out because he had to do a two point turn to get out of his parking spot which was next to me because my gramma was putting Breezy in the car.

Mind you it's cold and pouring rain. He's nice and warm and dry in the cab of his truck while my gramma and I are getting drenched putting the girls in the car.

I mouthed to him 'just a second' and he started flailing his arms around and visibly grumbling with wide angry eyes.

THAT pissed me off! I finished putting Bri in and 'ushered' the idiot out of his space and mouthed 'byeeee' sarcastically with a fake ass big grin on my face. To which he responded by opening his door and yelling out at me 'you can kiss my butt!'

He quickly jotted down my license plate number and sped away flailing his arms and saying things I am glad I didn't hear. I ended up being behind him at the signal to go home so I returned the favor and jotted down his on my phone.

I was so pissed! My blood pressure was up and I am sure if he had made any effort to intimidate me by getting out of his truck i would be in jail now for assault and elderly abuse! But man, people irritate me sometimes! Seriously, there is no tact and no patience and no consideration in this world anymore. I am only thankful he actually said 'butt' and not 'ass' because Sassy asked me why the man wanted me to kiss his butt. Oy vey!

On a brighter note, the girls and I tried new fruit today. Star fruit and mango. Well, I had had mango before (mmm LOVE) but the star fruit was surprisingly good too!

Now we are just hanging out. I think I'll take them to the mall later to play at the play area! Get some energy out.












Thas all for now folks!

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

WOW - SO MUCH CAN CHANGE SO QUICKLY

In my last post I documented the interaction between my girls' dad and myself, my subsequent sense of absolute freedom. I also told you about my day with my girls. The wonderful, fun, free day I spent playing with my girls. It was amazing.

Now, two days later - nothing has changed. I still feel free. Even after my girls' dad texted me with emotional diarrhea of the fingertips. Even when he told me I had no idea how much I was hurting him and how he felt as though he was dying. Nothing changed. His words didn't provoke sadness, or guilt, or FEAR. His words instead pulled from the depths of me something - until this point - I had never truly understood.

Sympathy.

Until now, every time these things had happened I EMPATHIZED with him. I felt his pain because it was my pain too. I felt the sadness. I felt the guilt. The loss.

I don't feel those things anymore and so my empathy has quickly evolved into sympathy. I feel sad FOR HIM. Not WITH HIM. I feel pity FOR HIM. Not pity FOR US.

Yesterday when he first texted me and I looked over at my cell phone with the screen lit up with his name and 'preview' of text I had a nano-second of anxiety. The same anxiety that has been ingrained in me to feel. It quickly disappeared though because I KNOW I have no reason to feel it. I am disconnected now, from that which has caused me so much suffering and I refuse to suffer more.

I responded to his text kindly, as he had asked me a very simple question and when the conversation became too complex and I saw it heading in the inevitable direction of an argument I told him that I was done talking about it. That I was sorry that he was hurting but that I couldn't talk about it anymore.

He didn't respond back.

There are NO WORDS to describe the liberation, the ABSOLUTE EMOTIONAL FREEDOM of NOT being scared. NOT BEING FEARFUL. But instead, JUST BEING. Just being Kristen. Mom. Daughter. Just sitting in my house, playing with my girls and not having anxiety, or the weight of the world imposed by him on my shoulders.

While I believe my weight loss efforts have been good, I don't know the result. The number is illusive because I still do not have a working scale . . . BUT . . . I feel as though I have lost 145lbs (to be exact) of cumbersome, suffocating, claustrophobia inducing fear from my chest, my shoulders - my body. I can breathe. I can think. I can speak.

And I am not afraid to do it.

In addition to this new found freedom, I have also found myself freed from other burdens.

Before, I felt a physical and tangible attachment to my iPhone. I HAD TO HAVE IT BY ME AT ALL TIMES - you know, just in case. I feel as if the 'umbilical chord' attaching me to it has been cut. He isn't on the other side of it anymore, holding me captive, reigning me in with threats and silent accusation. And when he is on the other side, texting me the millions of times a day that he texts me - I don't feel obligated to answer immediately. I feel no guilt in finishing what I'm doing or even just putting it off until I feel comfortable and in a good place (mentally and emotionally) to answer him. And sometimes, if he isn't asking a particular question - I just don't answer. Which before was unheard of. I was EXPECTED to answer. Perhaps I am still EXPECTED to, but I no longer feel OBLIGATED.

Also, the computer used to be a draw to me. An escape. I could get online and blog or facebook or tweet and just ignore life. And when I used to be interrupted - no matter the interruption I would become irritable and frustrated. With him gone, I don't feel like I need to escape. I don't feel the need to get away. I feel good. I feel safe. I feel like I am coming back to me.

That being said, my eating is also falling into a good pattern. I am still counting calories but am giving myself some leeway with fruits and veggies. If I'm craving sweets I will allow myself to 'pig out' per say on fruit. I mean really - after 15 1 inch by 1 inch pieces of fresh pineapple I can honestly say my sweet tooth has been cured. (and I am actually quite full) The same with grapes, apple, plums, nectarines and peaches. I also LOVE bananas but I do limit those because their calorie content is considerably higher than other fruits.

Eating this way doesn't make me feel so constricted. I feel that limiting my carbs (ie: pasta, rice, potatoes), my protein, my fats and my simple sugars is fantastic but by allowing unlimited fruits and veggies I feel like this thing is possible long term.

On one last note, I read a lot of 'band blogs' and have read a ton about restriction and how one must eat (ie: specific foods + amount of said food + chewing enough = allowing said food to pass through the band) I have also read about 'getting stuck' and PBing. Well, it's weird. I am NOT BANDED but I seem to be 'getting stuck' a lot. It's weird. I chew my food and swallow and there is this sensation in my lower esophagus that the food just isn't passing through. I guess I'm wondering if the place where your esophagus and your stomach meet can swell and mimic 'getting stuck'? Or any other suggestions about what this might be? It's weird and uncomfortable.

Anyway, I'm off to plan today's grocery list. Yesterday I did some, but not the whole thing. I bought a ton of fresh tilapia, frozen chicken breasts, canned tuna in water, fruit up the wazoo (strawberries, plums, pineapple, nectarines, apples, bananas) fresh peach&mango salsa, sandwich thins, bagel thins, coffee, frozen fruit (for smoothies), frozen veggies (including frozen spinach for smoothies) and some other things I would have to check in the cupboard or fridge - oh like non-fat milk and lite yogurt.

Today I will be getting things like low fat cottage cheese, low cal string cheese, lunch meat, rice, pasta and potatoes for dinners, diet coke (something I am not willing to go without), beans, fresh veggies, different meats for dinners such as fresh chicken breasts, different kinds of fish, perhaps some lean hamburger and lean cuts of steak. I'm not sure. I guess I'll pick up whatever is on sale as long as it fits into my healthy eating.

I have kindly told my family that there will be no more crap bought. No cookies, cake, ice cream or things created of ice cream such as chocolate dipped cones, no chips, no candy, no chocolate, nothing made from chocolate and no sugary snacks. My mom and sister are good with that. My step dad not so much, but if he wants it HE CAN BUY IT.

So forward with my day. Must get off the computer to get girls dressed and perhaps make them some lunch.

Ciao for now.

XO Kristen

Monday, March 7, 2011

FREEDOM

Yesterday, as usual, my girls' dad texted me:

(and for those who are new here, he texts me in Spanish so his texts are translated)

HIM: Tomorrow, what time are you going to come?


(for those who are new here and even for those who have been reading a long time, we have been going to his apartment every Monday because he had his car voluntarily repossessed and couldn't drive the 40 miles (1 hour drive) into Vancouver to see us. But after last week's escapades of having not seen his daughters for 3 weeks but then choosing to do other *more important* things while we twiddled our thumbs, something clicked in me. It clicked OFF. I decided he could take the bus if he wanted to see us. I won't be driving there anymore)

ME: I would like if you could come out here tomorrow please.

Insert cringe, and wait for the barrage of hate, excuses and berating

HIM: Are you going to come get me?

ME: I don't want to drive out there. I'd like you to come here please.

HIM: Ok. I'll get up early to go to the bus stop to see what time the bus comes by and I'll send you a message when I'm on it.

Insert my jaw hanging on the floor and my eyes bulging outta my head
ME: Thank you

HIM: You're welcome

SKIP TO TODAY

We woke up at 8am.
We ate breakfast.
We watched TV.
We played.

He didn't text me and he didn't call . . . that is until about 11:05am.

HIM: You know, I'm waiting for the bus here in Portland. I've been waiting for an hour and a half and it still hasn't come by. I'm going to go ask to see if someone can tell me.

ME: Ok

Meanwhile, I busy myself getting the girls ready. 
Getting myself ready.
Tidying up a little bit.
Washing dishes.
Preparing myself not to eat my emotions all day long while we are with him.

An hour an 10 minutes later he still hasn't texted me to tell me he is on his way. 
So I text him.

ME: Are you on your way yet?

HIM: Yes

ME: How long?

And this is where I now understand that I completely misinterpreted his message so it is partly my fault what happened later. But read on and you'll understand.

HIM: I don't know if you can come to the mall with the carousel near the baby store.

This is where I got confused. Now, you remember I asked him to come to me, right? Well, if I ask you to come to me you'd assume you are going to come ALL THE WAY to me if I specifically say, I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE OUT THERE. Right? So, there is a carousel at the mall I was planning on going to and my mind kinda did a hop-skip-jump over the part where he wrote 'en el mall donde esta la tienda de bebes'. (In the mall with the baby store) So, thinking we are on the same page I text him back.

ME: The girls are going to need lunch.

HIM: I haven't eaten either.

Well, damn if it isn't always about you.


ME: OK. So we'll meet you outside and go eat?


Thinking we will go to the Ihop down the street we always go went to.


HIM: Outside of Target

This doesn't confuse me because there is a target right next to Ihop.

ME: Is that where the bus goes? Where are you now?

Remember, I'm trying to gauge time to allow him time to get ALL THE WAY OVER HERE and not be waiting around for him with two antsy toddlers.


HIM: At Target

And here I am at home, thinking that if he's still in Portland it is going to take at least the 30 minute drive for him as well as for me and maybe we'll arrive at the same time. But he's already there?!?! WTF? How'd that happen?

ME: You are at Target?

HIM: Yes.

ME: I asked you 2 minutes ago how much longer and you said you didn't know.

*In his defense (like I said) I completely misinterpreted his comment, "I don't know if you can come to the mall with the carousel near the baby store." 


- If I had really read it, I would have realized at this moment that we were on completely different pages.

HIM: Well, I don't know where you want me to go?

ME: Stay there. We'll meet you there.

Thinking he's in Vancouver. Gahh!!

HIM: OK

Half hour later after driving to Target in Vancouver.

ME: Where are you?

HIM: The entrance to Target. Where are you?

ME: The same. Driving. I don't see you.

HIM: I'm at the entrance.

ME: I've passed the entrance 10 times

Suddenly a light bulb (probably literally) appears above my head.

ME: Are you at the target by Ihop.

Mind you, I am imagining that he's at one of the other 3 targets in Vancouver.

HIM: No.

ME: No? Which target are you at?

HIM: Where Babies R Us is.

There's one thing you should know.
  • There are no Babies R Us's in Vancouver. The closest one is 20+ miles away in the next state.
I immediately park as steam starts to roll out my ears. If he had just said he was at Babies R Us in the first place . . . no no no, wait . . . I asked him to come see us. Coming to see us does not mean taking a bus 12 miles so I can drive 28 instead of 40. No! No! No! Sir!

I knew his good attitude was too good to be true the day before.

So I dial him.

ME: Why are you in Portland? I asked you to come see us.

HIM: I did. I came to Portland so you didn't have to drive all the way to Tualatin.

ME: No, you don't understand. When I said I didn't want to drive out there I meant over the bridge, cross state. I wanted you to come to Vancouver.

HIM: Why should I have to come to Vancouver? There's no bus to Vancouver.

ME: There are plenty of buses to Vancouver.

HIM: What's wrong with you that you can't drive over here?

ME: After the way you treated us last week?


*I went into details here that I won't bore you with about his neglect and preference to do errands for his nephews*

HIM: Insert unintelligible tirade.

ME: BYEEEEEEEE!


The girls and I then hightailed it to the mall where I showed my girls the kind of good time they should have been able to share with both me and their Daddy. Unfortunately, their daddy doesn't know how to give to others without something in it for himself. So, we had chow mein and chicken (Sassy's favorite) for lunch. We played for 2 hours at the play area. I got them each a little lollipop. We rode the elevators in all the department stores and I let them push the buttons each time. (You know, the little things that make a kids day . . . that has nothing to do with me except the pleasure I feel at making them so happy) We then went and looked at all the animals at the pet store and then went zooming down the mall in their jogger stroller making them giggle and scream. I didn't care who looked or who cared. My babies were happy. Then we went on the carousel and the train. The girls were so proud to go on the train by themselves and waved excitedly each time they passed me and then would explode into giggles when they disappeared into the tunnel where I couldn't see them. 

Then we went home, but that was a good 5 hour day out and about with my babies. Making them happy. Doing something for them unlike anything their daddy has ever allowed them to do.
  • When we are with him we have to eat at a certain time, at a certain place and if he isn't happy about something, no one is
  • At the play area, the longest he has ever allowed them to play was 45 minutes and then he gets fidgety and agitated.
  • He always takes them to see the animals but overkills it and tells them they can have one as soon as we live together again which sucks ass considering that isn't a possibility. Thank God today the girls didn't even mention getting a puppy or kitty or bunny. Maybe he has less affect on them than I think?
  • He would never run or let me run down the side of the mall with them in their stroller. He'd be embarrassed for himself or of me and he'd make sure I knew it.

All that said, today was the first day that my mind didn't extend to him every once in a while. I wasn't thinking:
  • How mad is he?
  • What will he say?
  • What will he do?
  • What will he threaten this time?
  • How much more hellish is he going to make my life?
There was no fear today. No anxiety. I spent the most joyful 5 hours with my girls uninterrupted by him or by anyone. It was fantastic.

And even now, at night when the fears and anxieties are usually at their worst, I feel nothing. Blissful, peaceful, wonderful NOTHING. 

When I turned on my computer I had the odd compulsion to click on his work schedule to see if he was working with one of 'the girls' this week. I clicked off the schedule as soon as I opened it, realizing, I don't care. I just don't care. He can exist or cease to exist or say things or do things and I just.don't.care. anymore. He's as good as dead to me. 

It's a beautiful thing when the mind and the heart and the body are able to just LET GO.

That is when you achieve FREEDOM.

XO Kristen

THE FACE OF . . .

Freedom




XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, March 6, 2011

INDIRECTLY BUT ALSO DIRECTLY CONNECTED

I have a friend named Meghan Swann. She is a beautiful and wonderful person. She is married to Charles Swann and while I don't know him as well as I know her, he seems like a pretty awesome man. I met Meghan 5 years ago on a pregnancy website. At the time we were both TTC aka Trying To Conceive and the site provided a forum for discussion, questions etc. We formed a group of girls that quickly became very close, and some of us also quickly became pregnant (even more than once). 


Meghan was the last of our tight knit group of girls to get pregnant. She had been diagnosed and then undiagnosed with PCOS and a variety of other reproductive issues. She and Charles had tried everything from natural remedies to invasive surgical procedures to try to create the miracle of a baby to become what they had always dreamed of; Parents. 


On February 26, 2010, after more than 4 years of trying unsuccessfully to become pregnant (including early loss) Meghan finally found out she was pregnant. NATURALLY! You can read her Re-Cap one year later on her blog HERE about the beautiful moment she found out she was going to be a mommy.


Previous to becoming pregnant though, Meghan and Charles had started a foundation for couples struggling with infertility called 
Lost Stork Foundation <--- That is a link to the actual foundation's site
She collected 263 recipes to construct a phenomenal cookbook to help raise money to give grants to couples seeking financial assistance with fertility treatments. For those that are fortunate enough not to know, fertility treatments are extremely expensive, especially for those people who have poor or no health coverage. 


Meghan recently posted THIS POST on her blog (SWANN'S POND) For those that don't feel like clicking over, this is what Meghan wrote in her most recent post:


Turned Away.

Lost Stork Foundation is no doubt a God derived organization given to me and Charles.

No doubt.

We felt God leading us to have a cookbook fundraiser. Our goal was 150 recipes.

We got 263!

To us, this was God's way of reaffirming that this was indeed His plan and we continued forward.

We now currently have a huge stash of cookbooks to sell.

Just this week, I have received three e-mails from threeseparate ladies sharing three unique infertility stories. All asking for financial help.

I have to turn them away.

Without the cookbooks selling, we have no funds to give grants.

Please buy a cookbook {or few as they are great gifts} and know that although you are receiving a great product, more importantly, you are helping a couple fulfill their dreams of achieving parenthood!

You can purchase via www.loststorkfoundation.org OR in person, just ask!