I've recently come into contact with many people I went to highschool with on Facebook.
Seeing the faces of people who were such a huge part of my life after a decade of having not seen them is quite emotionally provoking.
Seeing the boys turn into men with successful careers and become daddies. To see the girls who I used to be friends with, or who I only knew from classes because we shared them and to see how they have become women and mommies and have made lives as adults. It really gets to me.
It makes me sad that I didn't appreciate the time with the people of my youth. That I was too busy being boy crazy and trying in anyway possible to rebel and see the one man I am now divorcing.
Seriously. Like, 11 years of my life focused on the one person who I am trying to get as far away as possible from. Irony? Karma? I don't know what to call it, but it leaves a sickening empty pit in my stomach. To think of the life I could have lived. The person I could have been.
Don't get me wrong, my babies are my life and I would trade them for NOTHING. Not even to go back in time and do it all different.
I miss my home. Washington is where I live. It's where my family and my things are and by many people's definition that is 'home'. But I miss California. I miss my streets. The places I used to hang out at. I miss the weather, the car washes, the culture, the diversity. I miss having a vast array of things to do from the beach, Disneyland, magic mountain, knotts, Santa Barbara, (although now that the Big Yellow House is gone it just wouldn't be the same) I miss the manicured neighborhoods, the palm trees, the sense of self worth in the residents. I miss feeling 'the need to look nice'.
Here you 'look nice' as long as your sweats and t-shirt aren't ripped and fit well.
I miss seeing familiar faces, hearing familiar names. I miss life there.
My 10 year reunion is coming up in 2012. I hope to go, if for nothing else than to see and smell and hear and be a part of what used to be my life. If only for a little while.
Which brings me to my weight. I don't know in what month of the year high school reunions are generally held but assuming the soonest would be January 2012 that gives me 8 months to shed as much of this weight as possible and if I can follow in Julia from JewliaGoulia's (gosh, I miss her) footsteps, maybe I'll be able to lose 100+ lbs in that time frame.
Today has been good. Breakfast in. No thoughts of failure. No need to eat or medicate by eating.
Yesterday ended at 1320 cals.
Today should be close to that as well.
Sorry for the super scatterbrained post but I was feeling super emotional so I thought I'd get it out. Cathartic? Yeah. I feel a lil better now.
The term "entitlement" refers to a notion or belief that one (or oneself) is deserving of some particular reward or benefit.
In my case, food. I am a good mom and therefore I deserve that pizza. I work hard cleaning the house so I deserve that ice cream. I put up with everyone I live with who have strange and annoying quirks so I deserve that cake. No, not only do I DESERVE it, I'm ENTITLED to it.
I am entitled to anything I want to put in my mouth because of all the shit I deal with and all the shit I put up with and all the shit I live with.
Or, at least that's what I think.
In reality I am actually ENTITLED to live healthily. I am actually ENTITLED to feel my pain and be angry with shit I have to live with and be sad about the shit I have to deal with. I am ENTITLED to FEEL.
But no one has been robbing me of that ENTITLEMENT except me.
I am my own worst enemy. My own saboteur. My own kryptonite. I know what switches flip where and when and I allow them to flip on and off at will. I allow my buttons to be pushed and use it all as an excuse to use my facade of entitlement that is really just myself, a wolf in sheep's clothing, waiting to make me fail.
Yesterday I had 'started again' and then I made the mistake of going to the market ... Hungry.
In addition to lunch I also bought the new mini Reeses that you don't have to take the wrapper off of. Long story short, when I went to eat them later in the evening they were gone.
I was pissed, although looking back now it wasn't because they had been eaten but because they were mine and no one asked. That happens a lot around here. In any case, I pulled out a LARGE piece of chocolate cake that was actually my sister's and proceeded to eat 1/2 of it.
The thing though? It didn't taste good. I didn't really want it in the first place and afterward I felt like shit but DAMMIT if I wasn't entitled to that cake because someone ate my dessert without asking me.
As I lay in bed after I chugged milk for the heartburn the cake had caused I realized like a gazillion and one things. But the biggest things that kept flashing through my head?
1) I'm only 10lbs from where I started in January 2010.
2) no one can do this for me. Only I can do it for myself.
3) food is tasting seriously nasty and making me feel even worse
4) if I don't really take control, I'll be 500lbs before I know it
5) and lastly, I deserve and am entitled to love myself and want better for myself. I don't have to be the gluttonous self loathing Person I have been.
So here I am blogging instead if eating. My stomach hurts but not from heartburn. Instead it's growling because I'm not stuffing it full. My head hurts a little but not because I've overdosed on sugar. Instead, because I've not had any substantial sugar today and lastly ... My energy is up and my morale is as well. Forward and I'll be back if I am suddenly attacked by the 'wanting to fail' monster.
The potential business venture with Metabolic Research Centers ended up being a no-go and honestly, when it took them almost a week to contact me I was pretty sure I knew which way the ball was bouncing. To say I am disappointed would not necessarily be true because while the staff was friendly, their demeanor and techniques for handling situations were poor at best.
During the week it took for them to answer me can you guess how good my eating habits were? I bet you can. I bet, you as my readers know that excuses is my middle name. And it's true. I used every excuse in the book to eat whatever I wanted. Not low calorie. Not low carb. Just low in nutrients and not much else.
Yesterday I pulled out 2 old desktop towers so I could backup all my old photos onto a flash drive and I found photos of me when I lived in Mexico between 250-265lbs. Wow! I was a completely different person. This coming week, after my laptop is done being refurbished I will post some of them. I'm jealous of my past self. I'm jealous of my tan skin and my high cheek bones.
I need to stop being jealous though because that person is still me. That person is still under all this fat. I just need to figure out how to turn off the 'I don't care' switch and turn on the 'I deserve to be thin and healthy and beautiful' switch. I need to realize that I am entitled to a better life. Why can't it sink in?
Maybe cuz most days I let myself look like this.
Every day I wake up telling myself, 'today is the day' and then I make 1 little mistake and the whole day is a bust. Not really but that's how I feel. See? Excuses! Full of em! They're never ending!
What's terribly sad is the cycle. I feel bad. I eat. I feel worse. I eat. I feel even worse and now guilty. I eat. I keep searching for something to eat that will satisfy something that can't be satisfied or fulfilled or fixed with food. You can't fix a transmission in a car by simply filling the tank with gas. You have to go to the actual problem.
My brain is the problem. I wake up thinking about food, spend all day thinking about food and go to sleep thinking about food. The biggest joke of all? I'm never thinking about what I want or what tastes good. I'm perpetually kicking myself because nothing I eat tastes good. Nothing I eat fixes anything and most of all, I don't even really want most of the things I do eat.
Today starts another day.
Breakfast was and always is easy.
Lunch, I generally have no problem with.
It's come 1-4 o'clock that a switch flips on telling me there is no point.
There is a point though and I have to get past myself to achieve my goals.
Low carbin it has been great. I'm losing weight (almost 10lbs in 5 days albeit I know it's mostly water) and best if all?
No hunger. No cravings.
100g net carbs or less and suddenly *POOF* cravings be gone!
Yesterday, my sister and I went to the midnight showing of Pirates of the Carribean On Stranger Tides. (good but very dark for my taste and for Disney)
So, I wanted to test the whole cravings theory and I'm not sure that I succeeded. I mean in a way I did but my experiment did not render the results I was expecting.
Yesterday I ate a normal carb day (after 4 days of 100g or less) and then at the movie I had candy and popcorn, thinking that I would get some kind of sugar high and my cravings would return.
It's nearly 12 hours after my experiment and I had my low carb breakfast and I want for nothing. Not hungry and no cravings! So, the experiment in theory failed but in reality was quite a success.
Even while I ate the candy a thought about not wanting the candy and how it wasn't worth it kept crossing my mind and OMG the popcorn was awfully salty. I could have finished off the entire VERY large diet soda my sister and I shared all by myself.
So back to low carbin it.
I don't think I'll be experimenting anymore. It just isn't worth it. Why skew my results, right?
Oh and on a random note about my divorce, my ex assumably deleted all the photos of his home from my phone because I used to have some and now I don't. I need them for my attorney as proof that his home is not an adequate place for my girls to reside.
Well, you know how FB now suggests people you might know? Yesterday it suggested one of the nephews that my ex lives with (with a different name ... I had no idea any of them had FB) and wouldn't you know that his FB has public photos of their home? Bummer for him! (my ex, that is)
As you know I'm attempting low carb eating but I have a question or a thousand to smooth out some confusion I have provoked within my own mind by reading too much too quickly without understanding the entire concept of low carb.
So here are my questions:
Should I monitor calories in addition to carbs?
If so, what should my cals top out at?
Should I replace carbs with mostly proteins or fats?
I have more questions but I'll start there.
I'm confused with a lot of conflicting information I have read on the web and hope someone or lots of someones can help!
I spoke to MRC but they didn't give me an answer yet.
But in the middle of the day the girls' dad texted me about the money I owe him from the 2010 tax refund. I in turn asked him about the money he owes me from April and May child support payments.
You see I have the money to give him and for a while my lawyer has been trying to arrange an exchange of checks with his attorney. His attorney was (until today) quite unresponsive and my attorney told me that if I wanted I could try to exchange the checks just between him and me or I could ask him if it would okay if I subtracted the amount he owes me from the amount I owe him. (Yes, we got a very large tax refund)
I asked him at the time that he texted me if I could subtract the child support from the money I was going to give him and he said, absolutely not. He wanted the check in its complete amount. I asked him how I would know that he would turn around and give me my child support and he told me, because I'm not like you. I told him that we needed to do this as easily as possible and since his lawyer isn't talking to him or my lawyer that this was the easiest route to avoid more court dates. He not only declined once again but told me he was going to sue me for 2009's money also. Uh, ok. We had spent that together and I am pretty sure it is irrelevant in the current matter, but his threat was enough to shake me. I told him that no money would be exchanged, then, until our attorney's talked.
2 hours later I receive an e-mail from my attorney with an attachment. UGH! Not more paperwork. But no, to my relief it was not paperwork. It was his lawyer's official document stating that he was withdrawing his services to my girls' dad and the matter (the matter being our divorce)
I don't know what to think.
Why would a lawyer withdraw his services? Did my ex not pay him? Is he really as crooked a lawyer as we were starting to suspect?
I am literally at a loss.
We are at a pivotal part of the divorce. I was ordered by the courts to take a class called Parents Forever which is a class that teaches parents how to help children cope with divorce. That's fine. I'm wondering though when my girls' dad thinks he is going to take the classes though. The 90 day waiting period for Washington State divorces is June 24. The temporary custody order was set for 60 days which ends June 11. He is supposed to be done taking or currently taking the same class as me plus one that I requested he take that is a weekly class for 6-8 weeks. So far he has signed up for neither.
And now he no longer has legal assistance.
See, I'm all for getting things the way I want them . . . but I'm not the kind of person who likes to throw another person under the bus. When he had an attorney (no matter how whacked out the attorney he chose was) it felt like we were on an even playing field. Now . . . not so much and I don't want to be seen as the person who manipulates a sensitive situation.
Why do I think it's sensitive?
Because he has never been a proactive person. In fact, I was surprised when he found legal aid and then laughed when I found out one of the girls he worked with found it for him. He doesn't know how to investigate or find out information for himself. When we were together I did everything for him, from little things like calling to order pizza to huge things like documents to secure his residency when it was no longer my job to do so.
I don't know . . . as the title states, I'm a little bit at a loss.
And the clincher . . . I don't think he will even know he has lost his attorney until it is really late. I doubt his attorney will call to tell him and if his mail opening habits are at all like they used to be then he won't get the letter for between 2-5 weeks.
I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.
I'm tired of this and I'm ready for it to be over.
I wrote a post last night with the above title, published it via my iPhone's BlogPress, the app said it was published successfully and then POOF, it disappeared out of my unpublished posts, my published posts and never appeared on my google reader. Sometimes Blogger just irritates me but I could never switch to Wordpress. Tried that and didn't like it AT ALL.
So, in short, yesterday's post was essentially about how I couldn't stop thinking about food and how my mind kept trying to justify not eating well, or just one bite. Every time I would successfully navigate my mind away from food, something else would draw it straight back. Very frustrating.
However, I succeeded in not only staying under my calories but eating low-er carb. I succeeded in keeping myself from binging. I didn't even take 'just one taste' of anything and try to justify it.
Today my mind hasn't been on food so much except for the fact that I have had a severe headache. (spending 5 hours with my ex does that. Lol) and in the past chewing has always relieved my headaches. Unfortunately gum does not do the trick so I have just had to endure this mild agony squeezing my skull since very early this morning. Thank God I can just rest now.
I have a new favorite meal that is in the form of a protein shake. It includes soy protein powder (vanilla), Quaker oats, banana, skim milk and sometimes peanutbutter. Yum!!! And totally within my calorie & carb allotment!
I am finding this low-er carb thing very easy to do (knock on wood)
Many of you may be wondering what I mean by low-er carb as opposed to low carb.
Well, I spoke with my PCP as well as the nutritionist that cared for me in my first pregnancy when I was borderline with gestational diabetes. Both recommended between 50-100g of carbs which is low-er than the FDA's recommended 150ish. They recommended that I not do the normal low carb diet of between 0-50g of carbs because I would have to bd deprived or at least heavily restrict fresh fruits and veggies that are exceptionally nutritious but not considered low carb.
So, being the curious and investigative person I am I started looking up how many grams of carbs were considered low carb, how many carbs are generally recommended for a healthy diet and how many carbs are allotted for healthy fat burning.
I came upon this from http://www.marksdailyapple.com talking about The Primal Blueprint carbohydrate Curve. I found it very interesting.
300 or more grams/day - Danger Zone!
Easy to reach with the “normal” American diet (cereals, pasta, rice, bread, waffles, pancakes, muffins, soft drinks, packaged snacks, sweets, desserts). High risk of excess fat storage, inflammation, increased disease markers including Metabolic Syndrome or diabetes. Sharp reduction of grains and other processed carbs is critical unless you are on the “chronic cardio” treadmill (which has its own major drawbacks).
150-300 grams/day – Steady, Insidious Weight Gain
Continued higher insulin-stimulating effect prevents efficient fat burning and contributes to widespread chronic disease conditions. This range – irresponsibly recommended by the USDA and other diet authorities – can lead to the statistical US average gain of 1.5 pounds of fat per year for forty years.
100-150 grams/day – Primal Blueprint Maintenance Range
This range based on body weight and activity level. When combined with Primal exercises, allows for genetically optimal fat burning and muscle development. Range derived from Grok’s (ancestors’) example of enjoying abundant vegetables and fruits and avoiding grains and sugars.
50-100 grams/day – Primal Sweet Spot for Effortless Weight Loss
Minimizes insulin production and ramps up fat metabolism. By meeting average daily protein requirements (.7 – 1 gram per pound of lean bodyweight formula), eating nutritious vegetables and fruits (easy to stay in 50-100 gram range, even with generous servings), and staying satisfied with delicious high fat foods (meat, fish, eggs, nuts, seeds), you can lose one to two pounds of body fat per week and then keep it off forever by eating in the maintenance range.
0-50 grams/day – Ketosis and Accelerated Fat Burning
Acceptable for a day or two of Intermittent Fasting towards aggressive weight loss efforts, provided adequate protein, fat and supplements are consumed otherwise. May be ideal for many diabetics. Not necessarily recommended as a long-term practice for otherwise healthy people due to resultant deprivation of high nutrient value vegetables and fruits.
This seemed to confirm what my PCP and nutritionist had said and so I am trying to keep my carbs under 100, which today I will finish with a net carb intake of 90.
Breakfast was 1 egg + 2 egg whites and coffee with creamer and splenda
Lunch was Mongolian Grill where I piled raw veggies such as broccoli, cabbage, onions, bean sprouts, carrots and mushrooms under chicken and beef and they steam cooked it right in front of me then adding no sugar added curry and Ginger sauce.
I had a kid scoop of no sugar added chocolate covered banana ice cream for a snack (I know, not particularly nutritious) and later 2 sticks of string cheese
And for dinner I will have the shake I mentioned before.
I'm praying tomorrow I will receive good news from Metabolic Research Centers but regardless of the outcome of that venture I hope I have found my happy little diet nitch again.
Also, thank you all for your responses on my last post. All the information was very enlightening.
Eileen poses a perfectly good question. However, for anyone who knows me well, they know I am not one for medications or drugs of any kind. In fact the most medicine I take is a few Excedrin migraine when my headaches are out of control.
You see, medication (in my opinion) in most cases (not all) is an agent to mask the real problem. My Excedrin migraine relieves the pain but doesn't take care of the main source of the migraine. Morphine eases the pain of terminal patients but does nothing to help cure them. Aloe Vera gel eases the itch of poison ivy but the rash has to heal in its own time. And in a quite metaphorical sense, a crutch relieves the need to walk on a broken leg/ankle/foot but in no way aids in the healing of that broken leg/ankle/foot.
Antidepressants ease the pain of sadness and other emotional issues and are essentially used in many situations as a crutch. In some instances I DO believe they are necessary. Like on a broken leg a person would definitely need a crutch and like in a cancer situation where the pain is too horrible to bear morphine would allow them to live out the remainder of their days in a less painful state. I believe there are justifiable psychological reasons to need antidepressants. Like in the situation when a person is considering suicide. I would think in a life and death or self inflicted abuse situation, the temporary relief of antidepressants could be useful - helpful - and aid in the recovery of the individual.
However, for a person who is sad or angry, or bored, or what have you, giving that person antidepressants is like telling them they don't have a reason to feel the emotions that rightfully come from certain situations. I may be sad or angry because my marriage ended and remorseful because of the choices I've made and YES, depressed because of the weight I have gained due to my compulsive eating, BUT NO I should not take antidepressants. Why should I try to mask very real, very necessary feelings?
There are too many people in the world who refuse to feel their feelings because they don't now how to cope and therefore eat copious amounts of food or become bulimic or anorexic or cut or name another coping mechanism. There are even more people who go even a step further to distance themselves from reality by numbing themselves chemically. Relieving the pain so they can pretend it doesn't exist or that there aren't underlying issues that are causing it.
I am not one of those people.
I am sure many people may argue that there is a very real chemical imbalance in my brain or body causing my depression and that an antidepressant would even out and balance those chemicals. I believe for some people that is fine. Not for me. I want to fix the underlying issues that are causing the chemical imbalances. I need to fix my issues with food. Not pretend they don't exist by masking the symptoms. I need to make myself happy. Not be made artificially happy by chemical enhancers.
So, to answer the posed question; No, I will not consider antidepressants although I would never rule them out 100%. I'm just saying I would have to be on the brink of insanity and without any other recourse.
*Remember, these are just my opinions. We all have them and I DO NOT look down on or think poorly of anyone who uses antidepressants on a regular basis for any reason big or small. I have a few family members who I love dearly who use them (though I don't believe they need them) and I don't judge. They simply aren't for me.
To merely explain the plethora of pain I am feeling as a direct affect of my food choices and subsequent weight gain might be considered redundant and believe me, no one knows this better than me. But I have to put it out there.
Lately I have had constant headaches, they radiate everywhere from the center of my skull, behind my eyes, into my ears, down my neck, around my jaw and even into my teeth.
My back is a contorted and dilapidated mess that barely keeps me erect most days. (I'll be at at least one of my readers smirked or smiled at the word 'erect')
I have trouble breathing some days. It hurts all the way from my esophagus deep into my lungs and sometimes the space around my heart aches. Physically. Worrisomely. I have acid reflux that sends acid into my mouth the minute I'm hungry as well as intense stomach cramps after I've eaten too much and I spend just waaayy too much time in the restroom.
I'm tired. So tired. But not just from stress and the activity level of my girls. I am literally fatigued. At any given moment through the day I could sit down and close my eyes and I would be out faster than you could snap your fingers.
Sunday my mom and I had planned to start eating well together but even as I write that I wonder 'how quickly will I fail this time?'
You would think that all the reasons I just named, not to mention the 2 most precious reasons in the world would keep me from eating crap.
Well, I think I'm just about at my breaking point. I got to this point at the end of 2009 when I tipped the scales at 325. I'm not far behind that and aside from the physical pain I am also feeling the simple discomfort of carrying too much mass. It's not a happy thing.
I was told I should hear something regarding this business venture with Metabolic Research Centers by Tuesday. My initial consultation with them was sadly eye opening and very possibly an aha moment.
Stats: 314.6 lbs 53% body fat (normal should be between 24%-27%) 40lbs lean muscle mass
That's approximately 145 lbs of fat. That's a lot of fat, especially when the consultant holds up a 1lb model of fat and it is bigger than my hand.
So, I'll be updating regularly now. My 2 week hiatus is over. Depending on whether I am counting calories or doing it the Metabolic Research way, I will be updating accordingly.
There is a potential new venture on the horizon regarding this blog, my weight loss and a company called Metabolic Research Centers. I don't have any concrete information right now but I am super excited for what might be to come.
So, I've spent some time away. 2.5 weeks to be exact.
When they say divorce is a roller coaster. Well, that is like comparing a garden snake to an anaconda. It is just so much more than a roller coaster. There is pain and you don't know why because there is also this relief and yet this agony and yet another set of feelings that can only be called emptiness because it is where the love and compassion and connection used to exist. And now there is just ... Nothing.
And to make my anaconda sized roller coaster worse, my ex-husband chose a slimy lawyer. And when I say slimy, I don't mean he's out for me or my blood. He's out for me ex's. I can't confide all the details at this moment but suffice it to say that at the end of this whole situation I would bet my (soon to be sold) wedding ring that my ex makes a call to the association of attorneys regarding malpractice.
My days have been hectic and stressful. If Sassy isn't dealing with secondary stress that she feeds off of me than she and Breezy are going at it like two professional wrestlers (toddler style)
Thank God they're cute because I've totally entertained the idea of duct taping them both to the wall. Ok, not really, but the image is kinda funny.
I still get a lot of texts from the ex and they are sometimes threatening and accusatory and other times they are straight up pathetic blubbering. It's very frustrating but because the judge ordered phone contact I have to just endure it and ignore what I can.
We've been going to church and while these past two weeks have not been exceptional, I really enjoy going. I go to get something, learn something and of course to fellowship with other Christians but I must admit that while our regular pastor has been away I have really had a hard time with his replacement. I feel ungrateful and petty but I just have the hardest time getting anything outta this guy's sermon. Maybe it's his hand motions or his random tangents or maybe it's his small but noticeable lisp. I don't know. I just want my regular pastor back!
Sassy really enjoys church and Breezy is quickly learning to part from me for the hour. (grudgingly, I think though)
Here are Sassy, Breezy and their 2nd cousin on the church steps a couple Sundays ago.
Things at home are blah. Nothing really new to speak of. We just hang around and play a lot.
Princess Sassy Pants
Dr. Breezy Loo
Aside from that, my little add-on apartment to my mom's house is coming along nicely. The framing is all set. Now to wire the electrical, call the inspector to make sure everything is to code and then dry wall and flooring!! Yay!
My weight is a joke. Quite literally. I have had another epiphany of sorts that I have read before but never truly understood the meaning of until I applied it to myself.
My obesity is not my problem. Rather it is merely a symptom of the true problem which is my compulsive overeating disorder. My goal should not be to lose the weight but to fix the real issue and then the weight will come off. Dont get me wrong, I totally get that even though the weight is 'just a symptom' it is a completely serious one. The same way a severe hemorrhage is the symptom of a deep wound. I get that the symptom can kill me as easily as the source of that symptom. I am just trying a new approach because suddenly, I feel like I have NO control. NONE. GONE. Into the wind.
But, as I've said before, I will say it again, I'll keep getting up. I'll keep trying. I will not fail because the only failure is to stop caring completely. And the part of me that cringes when I put horrible things in my mouth even when I don't want them, the part of me that hurts when I see the scales number rise and my pants tighten. The part of me that wants to be around for my babies. That part still cares and it will keep me from giving up. It will make me rise, no matter how hard or how often I fall.
So, here I am. Back in the land of the blogging. (that is, if blogger decides to work again sometime soon)