Physically: I have a massive blister under my little toe from the dry weather. I have a mountain range of heel spurs on that same foot. As if my right side isn't in enough pain, irony would have my sciatica feeling like I have an angry munchkin inside my body stabbing me with fiery hot ice picks from my waist down my butt into my thigh. The messed up nerves in my lower back are on the fritz after my 40lbs kids fell elbows first into my spine. I didn't have this much lower back pain when I was 9 months pregnant and 40lbs heavier. I have knots in my shoulders bigger than my fists, pinched nerves in my neck that tighten when I turn my head just so causing atrocious migraines and if I try really hard I can probably count the cavities forming in my suddenly taffy soft teeth.
Emotionally: I feel overused. Underused. Unused and completely used. I feel worn. I feel old. I'm 27 years old and I feel like I could be heading toward 50. The weight of so much emotional baggage keeps me confined in this little cell inside my head. It makes me complacent with sitting on my ass all day, watching the rest of the world live. I'm so tired of feeling useless, hopeless, helpless and completely worthless. In my head I can tell myself that I am a mom. My girls need me. I have a purpose and a goal and I need to be selfless and buck up for them. In my heart I want to say the same things. I love my girls more than my own life and sometimes I think I take that sentiment to the extreme.
Could I complain anymore? Oh, I probably could but I would need to have myself committed because I don't need to truly understand just how pathetic I am. It's bad enough I show all you readers. ((rolls eyes))
Today I am making a list of daily goals. Things I need to check off to keep accountable and to show myself that I have a purpose, and that I have hope, I can change my life and I am worth one hell of a lot, especially to 2 little angels who need me. This is just a rough draft of my daily 'to do' list but here it goes:
Off the hip:
- Eat under 1500 calories
- Exercise for a 1000 calorie burn (3x/week)
- Do an activity with girls after breakfast, lunch and dinner
- Go outside for at least 1/2 hour
- Make sure all laundry is done
- Make sure all beds are made
- Make sure entire apartment is clean
- Make dinner (5x/week)
- Take a nap with the girls
- Go to bed when girls go to bed (3x/week)
Now I need to find a way to make a cute little chart and create an html code so I can stick it onto blogger and hopefully make good use of it. I want to be able to come online every night and even if I have nothing to post, I'd like to be able to check off all 10 of those 'things to do'.
It's 11:13pm and so far I have accomplished only 1 of those things. Can you guess which one it is? Tomorrow I will strive for more. Hopefully very soon I won't have to strive for it and I will just have a good solid habit of doing what I'm supposed to. Maybe then, I won't even need the checklist, but I won't be hasty. These things take time. ((sigh))
Tomorrow my family meets my sister's new boyfriend. He's making lasagna for the entire family. He's one brave guy to want to cook for us on the same night he meets all 12 of us. Then again we all know him already. He just doesn't know us. Sounds a bit creepy huh? It's actually a really cute story with a really cute history but that's a post for another time.
Goodnight blog world. We shall meet again tomorrow.