Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Everything but the Kitchen Sink on My Fattness

Today marks 3 days before my 28th birthday. I was born on Saturday October 13, 1984. 28 years later I am not exactly where I want to be in life and so post birthday festivities I am going to make the changes necessary to rectify this issue. I am tired of this innertube around my hips and belly. I'm tired of the way my elbows stick out at my sides while I'm sitting down because my width is so great. While it is comforting to have such massive biceps that they rival the most comfortable pillows when no pillow is available, I'd much prefer to have slender, uncomfortable biceps that I am not ashamed to wear tank tops or sun dresses with. I'm tired of the cellulite laden thighs that literally crinkle when pressed together making me look like I weigh close to 500lbs or those same thighs that rub together causing painful sores, pimples, blackheads and rash. Which brings up an entirely different subject related to the skin rubbing together. My innertube of a gut rubs on my upper thighs which really is no issue, the issue is in the groin area where I am prone to external yeast infections; painful, burning, bright purple and red rashes that last for days and make it extremely uncomfortable to wear underwear or any rough clothing (such as jeans). My entire life, no matter my weight I have always had a photogenic face. I could take pictures from the shoulders up and no one would ever guess I was overweight, let alone that my hips measure greater than 60" around. Yes, 60"! That is more than 5ft around which means at 5'4" I am literally almost as wide as I am tall.

I don't like being self conscious when I am out with my man. I don't know if it's my own insecurities and need for comparison or if he really does it too but I imagine that every time a long lean scantily dressed girl walks by he is comparing, and wishing that he had something more similar to her than to me. I worry that in his line of work he sees beautiful women all day and one day he will say, 'enough is enough'. It's not like I don't have reason to believe these things either. All of his friends on facebook are women he works with who are model tall, thin and curvy, with beautiful faces. Or they are previous co-workers of the same physical caliber who are mysterious and sexy working for Victorias Secret or some other alluring place. And lastly, there are the girls who he friends because their profile picture is big boobs or a big round ass in little to no clothing. You know when you click on these profiles that they aren't exactly 'legitimate' for anything other than viewing pleasure but that doesn't help my confidence in the least.

I am tired of wearing tent sized clothing and having to shop at tent sized clothing stores. There is nothing quite as discouraging as picking out one of the larger sizes in the store and it JUST fits. My legs are short to begin with as I think my torso and legs are of equal length and so with my belly innertube in really any pants my legs appear THAT MUCH shorter. Its hard to find bras that don't flip or roll or inch around and if they aren't doing that than they are pinching, poking or my girls are simply just falling out of the cups. The only bras I can wear comfortably are sports bras (albeit, even that isn't super comfortable) or nursing bras which while extremely comfortable isn't exactly sexy. Which of course, then brings me back to HIM.

He hasn't told me I'm beautiful or sexy or that he 'wants me' in several months which makes me think that it isn't so much my weight but his new disinterest (or disgust) in the way I look. I've been this heavy before. I've been heavy our whole relationship but maybe he is just done with it. Maybe the only reason he stays with me is because we have two daughters together, or maybe it's because he hasn't found anyone else worth leaving for yet. What worries me, is that he will. How pathetic am I? That I value myself so little that I allow myself to stay with someone who I think might be looking for someone else. Or maybe I'm delusional and he's not. If that's true, maybe part of me wonders what is wrong with him that he would stay with someone like me; completely lacking in self confidence, self worth, self control. Why does he want to be with a fatty?

All that to say, I'm tired of being the fatty. I have tried and tried everything under the sun to lose weight and I know what I need to do. I have done it before. I just need to maintain the momentum and not get discouraged when a week's weight loss is small or when I get emotional. I cannot turn to food. I need to find a better way to let it out. Which brings me to exercise, which I love. Give me a treadmill or an elliptical and I can literally go for hours (2 is my max because I have children to attend to) My only issue with exercise is that I recently had surgery on my foot for a pre-cancerous lesion to be removed. Now I look like the daughter of Frankenstein waiting for the stitches to be removed and needless to say, I am not allowed to exercise.

Today is the day, though, that I get to get the stitches removed and like I said my birthday is in 3 days. So, I'm building it up. Being born on the 13th, 13 has always been one of my favorite numbers and a lucky one at that. So, starting October 13, 2012 at 11:59pm I will be starting this thing to lose weight and become a healthier, more slender, more attractive, more confident version of myself and I expect that by October 13, 2013 (there's that 13 again) at 11:59pm that I will be AT LEAST 100lbs lighter.

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