Saturday, October 20, 2012

I Am a Closet Fashion Whore (A Post of Verbal Diarrhea)

*Rambling post! You have been warned


I would totally do this!




I am thankful that I have not been skinny all my life for one reason. I would be bankrupt ten times over from what would have been an uncontrollable addiction to everything fashionable, cute, trendy, beautiful or fun to look at and/or accessorize with. From simple clothing, to eccentric hair, makeup, perfumes, nails, piercings, tattoos and other accessories like my car, my phone, my room! The options would have been literally endless and not only would I have had to have everything, I would have wanted to change it up and mix it up on a regular basis. My body, my possessions and my life would literally be a work of art, (I imagine) because I doubt I would have been able to stop. Thank God, though, that with all the extra poundage I have been able to abstain. I've always figured, who cares if my hair is perfect if my body isn't? Who cares if I wear cute clothes if I look like Shamu in them? Who cares if my makeup is perfect if the rest of me looks like a bag lady. Who cares if I can wear simply adorable high heels if I look like an oompa loompa on 6" stilts? Who cares if I drive a sexy car since I'm everything but? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares?
I think having spent my whole life holding back has simultaneously made me more conservative in my fashion endeavors while making me a secret fashion whore. I love the phone cover and the only thing that would have made it better if it was black with pink rhinestones or vice versa. I am really into baby pink, black and grey all mixed together. They are my favorite color combinations but that isn't to say that I don't love all the other colors of the rainbow also, especially when it comes to makeup!
This is more my speed

The photo below is just absolutely gorgeous and I would love to be able to do my makeup this way. There is nothing quite like a perfect line when applying eye makeup. Maybe that is what my calling would have been, had I not decided to have kids; makeup artist or personal stylist! I wonder when I lose all this weight, if I will be able to live up to my own standards. Haha!
When I was 15 I started wearing makeup. In hindsight I think my mom should have made me wait longer or should have taught me to appreciate my natural state more. I have been a makeup enthusiast and perfectionist ever since and I have perfected what I think looks best on my face; the smokey eyed look with the perfect drawn line on the upper lid. Unfortunately, I have not been brave enough to wear anything but browns and golds, pinks and blacks and I just cannot bring myself to wear lipstick. My whole life I have been told I have enormous eyes and that they would pop all that much more if I were thin. I've always been told I have kissing lips, fat lips, black lips, nice lips which basically means I have good lips. But it makes me feel like a hooker when I put on anything but sheer lip gloss.



And like I said before anyway, what's the point of applying makeup if the face doesn't match the body? What is the point of only being a quarter beautiful?


I also get that that is not at all logical and that if it makes me feel beautiful to do my makeup I should, regardless of what the rest of me looks like. I am a narcissistic martyr of sorts I suppose. I simultaneously covet and detest the attention when I look nice. Perhaps I covet it because I didn't receive enough positive attention and perhaps I detest it because I fear rejection. There's always a bunch of psychobabble balogna that I like to come up with for the reasons I do the things I do and feel the way I feel. I should have been a therapist for all the circles I talk myself into and through.

My mom was a teenager in the 80's and so for as long as I can remember she had acrylic nails that measured a minimum of an inch and a half and generally closer to two and a half inches long. I remember she worked as a manager at a local supermarket and when she used the registers she had to use a pencil eraser to type because her nails stopped her from typing efficiently. As a young girl who very much looked up to her beautiful mama (who was extremely stylish and always wearing the most fashionable of everything - even when MC Hammer pants were in style) I always loved her nails. I always wanted long beautiful nails too with pretty gems and splattered colors or perfect lines.
When I was very little my mom used to buy me the plastic fingertips with long nails for me to wear and when I got too old for those she would buy me the fake nails with the sticky tape on the backs that adhered to your nail. I always hated those because anytime I touched anything they would pop off. Then I was allowed to use nail glue which excited me to no end. I thought, finally, I get to have real long nails. But to my dismay they  popped off even with the glue. Then on one glorious day when I was 13 or 14 my mom took me to get real acrylics and I have been addicted ever since. Granted, I haven't had them in years. That is a direct effect of my weight and my finances. I cannot justify spending $40 on acrylic nails when my fingers resemble large breakfast sausages.


Are these shoes not absolutely the most adorable high heels you have ever seen? Okay, maybe that is an exaggeration but these are prime examples of what I would probably wear 24/7 if I thought my weight wouldn't decimate the heal into a flat. Not to mention that I would never allow my ankles to be seen. I don't have cankles per say but my ankles are nothing to be particularly proud of and I would not flaunt them in these strappy shoes that would make them appear only 200 times their actual size. So I would be subject to wearing pants which would essentially hide the cutest part of the shoe (the bow) therefore negating the entire point of wearing the shoe!

Perfume is something I can wear unabashedly and I do. In my cupboard at the moment I have more than 8 perfumes, more than 5 body sprays and so many different lotions, body creams and body butters that I could smell absolutely rancid if I accidentally spilled them all. From deeply musky scents to flowery to fruity. Sweet like candy to warm like cinnamon and vanilla, I love different scents. I have to say that one of my favorite fragrances of all time is White Diamonds and when I get to be at least 50 years old I will wear it proudly (if they still make it). Meanwhile my favorite fragrances are J'dore, Reveal and Eternity. Nothing super spendy because well, I don't have money for super spendy liquid that is just going to get washed off with the next shower. 


When I lose all this weight I so look forward to wearing clothing that no normal person would wear on any given day. Dresses meant for occasions out of my league, beautiful jewelry that accentuated bones that can now actually be seen. Accessories that compliment the outfit and no worries about lumps, bumps, bulges or if my ass looks too big. OR EVEN WORSE if the front of my dress is longer than the back because my ass IS SO BIG that it creates a shelf for the material causing it to rise unnaturally in the back.

I look forward to wearing a dress at all to be honest with you. With a pannus (and no that is not a misspell - click the word for the definition), wearing a dress is just not attractive, especially 
when the material accidentally gets tucked under the skin. I imagine even after I have lost all the weight I can lose that I will have some sort of pannus and the remaining skin will have to be removed with cosmetic surgery. I am hoping that it will be considered medical instead of cosmetic so that my insurance will cover it. My health insurance does not cover anything cosmetically related and so if I continue to have bruising from the skin slapping itself (especially when I exercise vigorously) irritation, rash, external yeast infections etc, I cannot imagine that my doctors would not deem it medically necessary for the betterment of my life to have the skin removed. Here is crossing fingers and hoping. 

I have been looking at so many blogs lately where women have lost XX and XXX amount of weight and the saggy baggy wrinkly and hanging skin scares me. I know I will be one of them because the frontal butt crack (anyone who has a large lower abdomen knows what I'm talking about - especially in tight jeans) I have already is basically just wrinkled skin that folds in on itself. Not to mention the skin on my inner thighs is basically like rice paper. I don't think it would take much for it to just shred apart let alone hang in wrinkled ugliness when there is no more fat to fill it out somewhat. And I'm not just concerned about the flabby skin. I'm concerned about removing said skin because of the significant scarring I have seen on other bloggers. Armpit to elbow to get rid of batwings, hip bone to hip bone for the frontal butt, and Lord help me if I need an entire upper or lower body lift OR BOTH! It's really a very scary and overwhelming topic, so I will stick to the task at hand (LOSING WEIGHT) and cross that bridge when I come to it. 

Now that I have rambled into oblivion it is time to put my chicklits to bed. Goodnight blog world!

3 comments :

  1. Great post, funny stuff, I remember going to Sea World as a kid and seeing Shamu, that was before I realized he and I were kinfolk

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  2. I love that you talk about wearing dresses for occasions that never really arrive! From previous weight-losses I have ridiculously impractical, over-the-top dresses that I only ever wore in the house, but, still, they're the things I'm looking forward to wearing most!

    On the skin front - I think last time I got to my goal weight, I looked good in clothes, skinny jeans and dresses and things, but, I got SO depressed about my skin (it was saggy and I have ridiculous stretch marks) that I think it was definitely a contributing factor in letting things slide (I wanted to be perfect and I wasn't). But, apparently it takes around 18 months for your skin to settle once you've stabilised your weight (and I think if you are losing weight slowly, with exercise you lower the risk of saggy skin - I lost mine fast, with no exercise, on a VLCD) and when I look back at photos, I could actually see my stomach, kind of, rising back up to where it was supposed to be. So, yes, my point was that I really wouldn't focus on it, I know it's so hard not to see all the problems that lay ahead and so sad thinking that we have to work so hard to get to "normal" and even when we get there we fall short of "normal", but, I know for me, that's the kind of thinking that would make me feel like it was pointless. And it's not at all. Looking good in clothes, being healthy, not taking up too much space, is so much more important than looking like a lingerie model naked... x

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  3. Great Post and Love your Blog!

    Would you like to follow each other? Let me know if you do and I would love to follow back.

    xx
    Seepz
    http://that-sassy-girl.blogspot.com/

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