|AT LEAST I TRY |
MY VERY HARDEST
TO DO SO
So, this is where I admit that my diet crashed and burned just as it lifted off. My exercise has been good. I exercised 4 days this last week at 60-90 minutes each time, but my eating has neutralized any momentum the exercise could have given me.
I am sure the question on everybody's mind is WHY? WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT WENT WRONG?
And the truth is that I just didn't have my mind in it. I want this. I want this so badly. I want to be able to sit down and not feel all my organs press up into my lungs making it hard to breathe. I want to be able to lay flat on my back without feelings that my lungs are being flattened. I want to be able to pull on pants and not have a frontal and rear butt. There are so many things I want but without the right frame of mind and the 100% goal of sticking to that plan (such as I had with my exercise) it was destined to crash and burn.
I have been at this trial and error thing, leaning mostly on the side of error, since my 28th birthday more than 1 month ago. I think of all the success I could have achieved by now and I feel remorse and guilt but to be 100% honest, I don't foresee myself being 'good' during Thanksgiving either. I am weak, of mind and control and will power. I am easily stressed by my children, by my living situation, by finances, by many external factors and have too long depended on food as my destresser. I am not completely sure how to go forward from here. I know that logically, all I have to do is eat less. Eat healthy. Eat smart. And exercise. It looks so simple when I write it. But oh how different it feels when you are sitting at the kitchen table, listening to one child's screaming temper tantrum, the other child is strangling the cat, my bills are facing up at me with bold red due dates with subtle threats beneath them also in red. My cell phone beeps and buzzes as my ex/boyfriend texts and calls and gets mad because I don't answer within a minute and in that moment when all I can think about is the eggnog ice cream in the freezer or the chocolate covered pretzels in the cupboard or the salty chicken in a biscuit crackers it is all I can do to keep from scrambling out of my skin to shovel it all in my mouth.
I know it's wrong. I know it is not the right way to deal with stress. I know I should learn other techniques. I know the easy way out only allows for instant gratification which is rarely beneficial in the long run.
Ideas and suggestions are all welcome. Insults and condescension is not.
Regardless of my failure I will weigh and measure tomorrow.
Lord Help Me.