Sunday, December 30, 2012

Follow Me Everywhere!

I will also be tracking my weight loss and experiences on Facebook on my new Facebook page:

Follow me here, follow me there, follow me everywhere. 



Saturday, December 29, 2012

I'm Going Mental Medical

In 2010 when I first truly attempted what I thought would be long term weight loss there was another bloggers whose blog was Jewlia Goulia. She no longer blogs but we weighed similarly when we began which was around the same time and when four months later I was sputtering and taking a nose dive into failure, she was thriving. To this day she has lost 160+lbs and has been noted for her self portraits on her weight loss journey. For the longest time I was jealous of her. She had achieved what I had failed at. She had become thin. I was still morbidly obese. But recently she posted something on her Facebook page that had me take a step back and realize I have nothing to be jealous of. She was talking about indulging in all the holiday foods but she had preceded that comment with, "Even though [my husband and] I don't celebrate Christmas ..."

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against atheists, agnostics, or people with other religious beliefs than my own. I suppose my point is that everything I do, everything that happens to me, I attribute to God and know that it is always part of His plan. So, it made me sad. It made me sad, knowing how fulfilled having Christian faith can be and how horrible it would be to not have that overflowing abundance of fulfillment when I achieved what Julia did.

That is my random thought for the day.

In other news, on Monday I will be calling my doctor to make an appointment with a dietitian to see how many calories I should be eating and if my plan is doable (healthy), how much I should be exercising etc. For example, is it sufficient to do an hour of Zumba every other day with 30 minute abs and toning on the off days? Or should there be more? Less? What should I do specifically to boost weight loss and not necessarily gain a ton of muscle?

Regardless of when that appointment is scheduled for, though, I am going to be starting what I call the Box Diet on Tuesday. I have been slammed and ridiculed for this diet before but it works when I stick to it (just like anything else) and it is super easy with respect to cooking and choices. I will continue with this particular plan unless the doctor tells me to modify/change it.

What is the box diet?

Breakfast always includes: 

1 very large cup of coffee w/ 1/4 cup half and half - 70 cals
1 bottle of water - 0 cals

Breakfast could include 1 of the following:

Bagel thin w/ 2 TBSP cream cheese - 170 Cals
Regular bagel with 2 laughing cow cream cheese triangles - 295 cals
Homemade muffin + banana - 240 cals
1 fried egg + 1 bagel thin + 1 Slice American Cheese Singles - 240 cals
1 Smart Ones (Weight Watchers) Breakfast (Boxed meal) - 200-300 cals

Lunch always includes:

1 bottle of water - 0 cals
1 Smart Ones Meal - 230-395 cals

Dinner always includes:

1 bottle of water - 0 cals
1 Smart Ones Meal - 230-395 cals

Snack between lunch and dinner could include one of the following:

100 cal pack - 100 cals
1 piece of fruit - 125 cals max
Unlimited veggie (carrots, cucumbers, celery, peppers etc)

Snack after dinner could include one of the following:

Smart Ones dessert - 130-150 cals
100 cal pack - 100 cals

1 piece of fruit - 125 cals max
Unlimited veggie (carrots, cucumbers, celery, peppers etc)

So, with this plan, if I eat the max calorie option for each meal my daily calories would come out to 1,435 cals.

** Interlude to discipline my daughter who decided after I explicitly told her it was not okay to use adult scissors (which are extremely sharp) and to go find hers (the special rounded tip kind) that it was okay to get the adult scissors anyway and cut up a whole bunch of paper all over the place. Grrrr

Thursday, December 27, 2012

The Mental Battle Rages On And Vanity Wars

Since yesterday I have been thinking that I need to start eating well now after all the celebratory yummy numminess.

But then I argue with myself that tomorrow is my grandma's 64th birthday and we will be going somewhere super yummy to eat.

Then I argue with myself that I could probably still find something healthy no matter where we go

To which I answer myself, but why chance it? Why not just enjoy myself for 6 more days?

Well, because then you will have that much extra sodium and weight to lose once you do start again.

As if the tens of thousands of calories I have consumed in the past week is going to be affected by another 1000 calorie meal.

Eventually the hunger monster always wins out.

I will start again on January first.

Cliche but that is just what I will do.

Then birthdays will be over, New Years Eve will be over and there will be no more celebratoriness to sabotage my efforts.

In an effort to spark some inspiration, though I have decided to take a little trip down memory vanity lane in the form of photos. I don't know if I mentioned it before but my entire life I have been particularly vain and narcissistic. Even though as an adult I have never weighed less than 203lbs I have always been particularly conscious of how my hair looks, my makeup, how thin or fat my face looks, especially in photographs. I learned early how to position my face in self portraits and other's photos so my face appeared thinner and I always made sure I wore 'in' clothes but nothing that didn't flatter me. For example: The girls who 'can' wear skinny jeans but just shouldn't because of the muffin top or short stumpy girls with the elephant thighs who insist on wearing leggings that show every bump and bulge. No, that was never me. I was always very conscious to cover what I knew other people would not want to see.
Playing with Shadows, not Myself. I Promise
Around 270lbs

High School Probably Around 230-240lbs

Around 270-280lbs




300+lbs here and approximately 2 months pregnant
with Breezy

Approximately 350lbs and 8 months pregnant
with Breezy

360+lbs here and ready to burst with Breezy.
Just before Due date in August


290ish lbs

290ish lbs

280ish lbs

280ish lbs
(my profile with my cousin facing the camera)

270ish lbs

270ish lbs

270ish lbs


270ish lbs



The beginning of the weight gain
Probably around 295lbs
With My Seester


My Most Recent Photo

And that is where I am now. Gahhh!

I have heard many people say, 'what I wouldn't give to look like that' or 'like I did' or whatever. Obviously you wouldn't give up food or downtime on the couch watching your reality TV huh?

Well, right now that battle is raging for me. What I wouldn't give to lose this weight?

The question is, WHAT AM I WILLING TO GIVE TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT? In one way or another we sacrifice something.


That is the question and only I have the answer.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Having a Hard Time Here

First, I would like to apologize for my language yesterday on my previous post. I will not take it down because in that moment that was how I felt, but it is not my MO to use the F word. That is one word I just never use. It is too vulgar and offensive, but yesterday it fit. It just fit. But for those of you who happened on my blog for the first time, I apologize. I don’t speak like that and I don’t write like that. I was just horribly offended and distraught over the shootings.

That said, I am having a hard time recuperating from yesterday.

I have to TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT or images and intense emotions overwhelm me and I can only sit and cry imagining how those parents must feel right now with empty arms and empty hearts. How the one teacher who tried to shield her students and was shot to death must have felt. I sit re-living a horror I have never actually lived through and it torments me. I look at my beautiful babies and think I would rather die a thousand painful and torturous deaths than know my babies ever suffered that kind of fear or pain. The only solace is that those innocent babies are in the Lord’s presence. That they feel no more pain. They feel no more fear. They no longer belong to this evil and chaotic world. They are home. Truly home, in the arms of the one true father.

Yet here we are, left. Scared.

Yesterday someone posted on my facebook that in lieu of these shootings and violence they have stepped away from Christianity because they can’t believe in a God who would allow these things to happen.

But it isn’t God who does this. It isn't God who is evil. On the contrary He is the ultimate good and now when this world is so erratic and tumultuous and violent is not the time to push Him away. It is the time to bring Him ever closer. It is the people who ‘step away from Christianity’ who are allowing the complete and utter eradication of God in this country and he is using these acts of atrocity for His glory. He is calling 
His people to turn to Him. To lean into Him. Not to walk away from Him.

Because no matter how hard we push Him away 
and no matter how much we delete him from our buildings, our traditions, our currency, our daily thought, He IS still here. He always will be. We here on earth have free will, and the darkness has become hard to fight because it is everywhere. The Light is getting harder and harder to see, and it is often hidden in places we don’t want to look; the silver lining so to speak. The positive in the unimaginably horrific. But it is here. HE IS HERE. This, (the shootings, the ugliness, the sin that has corrupted this world) is not his plan but He uses these horrible situations for His Glory and His good - to wake others up, to get us past hate and back to LOVE. To bring us closer to Him. To call upon Him. To rely ONLY on Him. If we can't retrieve LOVE for each other and for our God and bring it back to this country and to this world, the healing won't begin. Keep God closer still, and know - REALLY KNOW - that no matter what happens, there will be a reuniting of His Children in another, better place.

I rely on this knowledge to give me peace, to push me through and to keep me sane through all of this.

Prayers for those families who lost their babies.

Prayers for those families who lost wives, daughters, husbands, sons, brothers, sisters.

Prayers for the police, firemen, EMTs, Paramedics, Nurses, Doctors and other emergency response 
personnel that had to deal professionally with such utter horror.

Prayers for the town of Sandy Hook.

Prayers for the people all over this country who grieve and mourn.

And prayers for this country and that God might bless it, even though the people are doing everything in their power to make sure He doesn’t.


Friday, December 14, 2012



Today I am not a weight loser, a Zumba dancer, a calorie counter, a fat woman, a healthy living blogger or anything other than a severely distraught, saddened and scared mother.

I am sitting here crying and crying because I can only imagine the fear and deep sadness and utter despair of the parents and families who lost their little ones this morning in the Connecticut shooting. 18 children dead. 18 children dead. It just doesn't compute. I cannot wrap my mind around

I am shaking I am so furious and so so very sad.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Back On It

Back on  the ball today.

Zumba Toning & Sculpting in for the second day in a row and my breakfast was a bagel thin with laughing cow garlic and herb cheese and two fried eggs with Pam. 290 calories.

Lunch will probably be either a Lean Cuisine or Smart Ones and dinner, hmmm. Not sure yet. But I will conquer today. I can do this! I will do this!


I Officially Ended Today Sucking @$$ GRRR

I did so well, all day.

Then that pesky time between lunch and dinner intervened.

My mom hadn't eaten lunch yet and the sandwich she made looked so good.

I figured I could use a snack so I made myself a similar sandwich on 100 calories sandwich thins.

My daughters wanted some.

They ate most of it so I justified making myself another.

They ate some of that too.

I wanted something else. My hunger was not satisfied.

I ate a graham cracker.

No go.

I ate some regular crackers.

No go.

At this point I realized it was head hunger, not 'stomach growling, I actually need to eat' hunger.

I stopped eating, well prepared for dinner.

I arrived at my grandparent's house where dinner was what my Aunt had chosen.

Egg fried rice with chicken.

I am not a fan of rice.

At all.

In fact, usually, if there is another part to the meal like a protein and a veggie I will skip the rice all together.

I dislike it that much.

But there was no side of protein or veggie.

It was all mixed in one scoop of steamy white rice goulash.


I ate it, smothered in salt and pepper to at least try to extract any flavor it may have.

I ate one plate (probably about 1.5 cups)

I wasn't satisfied.

I ate another plate. (another 1.5 cups)

I still was not satisfied.

Then my grandma brought out the birthday desserts;

Mini chocolate brownies, Lofthouse cookies, homemade sugar cookies with homemade peppermint frosting, ice cream, and whipped cream.

I had planned on eating one Lofthouse cookie

I had also not planned on eating the buttload of 'snacky junk' and then the second helping of dinner.

I felt discouraged and plucked the cookie and a mini brownie off the dessert plate and plopped it onto mine.

I scraped the frosting off the brownie.

I like frosting as much as I like rice.

I ate the brownie.

I ate the cookie.

I was offered 1/4 of a homemade sugar cookie with homemade peppermint frosting.

I accepted.


I was offered a scoop of vanilla ice cream. (Maybe 1/4 cup)

I accepted.

I was offered another. (Again, MAYBE 1/4 cup)

I accepted, now fully aware a binge was in full progress.

I stopped here.

I felt bloated.

Thank you extra rice and all the salt I added to make you taste halfway decent when I didn't even want you in the first place. Thank you brownie who wasn't even worth the two bites it took to finish you.

About an hour later my oldest daughter was hungry.

She is very tall and thin (100+ percentile for height and only 25 percentile for weight) so when she is hungry and she wants something healthy like protein or healthy fats (cheeses, avocados, etc) I always say yes.

She chose a slice of turkey.

She offered me some.

I ate it.

Without thinking.

My other daughter was snacking on dried mango.

She put some to my lips to share with mommy while I was talking.

I ate it.

Without thinking.

When I got home I felt defeated. My only solace was that I had worked my ass off at Zumba this afternoon and felt compelled to do it again. I didn't.

I will not trade one unhealthy obsession/addiction for another.

I obviously have a very addictive personality.

And if I allow myself an inch, myself will take a mile.

I was far gone.

I felt completely discouraged, completely out of control and like a complete idiot.

I sense a trend.

As each week finishes, I tend to sabotage myself.

I find myself very irritating.


I sat down after my girls were asleep to watch a TV show with my mom.

She went and grabbed some ice cream from the freezer.

I was still mentally hungry.

I didn't want ice cream.

I wanted more salt.

I made myself some soup.

I ate it.

With a diet coke. (Nice right)

And there ends my binge.

Now I sit here with my oldest daughter who is sick. Coughing, hacking, congested, clearing her throat, tummy aches, sore throat, and irritable. She is propped up on me as I type this and I wish all of the thoughts of food and all the thoughts of today and all the guilt and remorse and anguish and hormonal imbalance that my binge caused would go away so I could focus on her 110% instead of having the rest gnawing on the back of my mind like a ravenous dog with a dried up bone.

Tomorrow will be better.

Better meal plan.

Better control.

Clearer thought process

And of course, ZUMBA!

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

12-12-12 The End is NOT Near and Holiday Madness

Today is 12-12-12. A lot of people have blown up my social networking pages with fear, sadness, awe, shock, excitement and all sorts of ridiculousness. I understand the novelty that 12-12-12 will be the last consecutive day month and year we will ever see but this is also the last day you will ever be the age you are right now. You can only get older from here.

Regardless of the date, make every day and every moment count.

That being said, there was a random shooting yesterday at the mall that my children and I frequent. A random gunman walked into the food court and opened fire on the poor unsuspecting people. He then shot himself. Two innocent died. One is in critical condition but stable.

Combine that with the recent shooting at the midnight showing of The Dark Knight only months ago in Colorado, the creepy hooded man who walks our neighborhood who spews profanity at anyone who bothers to look at him for more than 2 seconds, the random suicide of my very good friend's husband, a recent local teen suicide that makes 4 in less than 6 months involving a gun and I am beginning to believe people are going stark raving mad.

This morning I was looking at my facebook and was reminded that 12-21-12 is near which the Mayan's marked as the end of the world. Dun dun dun dun. Of course, I don't believe in that and I do believe that even if the world were to end on the 21, it will come regardless of what anyone does or does not do to stop it. I understand many people act out of fear though, especially those who have no faith and I imagine that leading up to and possibly even closely following December 21, 2012 things are going to get pretty messy with suicides, murders and crazy crimes.

A friend posted:

Shooting at the mall yesterday, local schools on lockdown today because there was a rifle found, and I've seen 4 separate instances if ambulances going by....the worlds gone crazy.

And I think she is right. My ex-husband and I are supposed to go shopping for the girls this coming Monday. Generally we take them with us and he watches them and lets them check out all the toys and ride in the big battery operated cars while I run around like a chicken with my head cut off, picking out everything we want to buy for them. In lieu of the current events, however, I may leave them home with my mom or grandma this year. It is one thing to go out and risk the crowds, the possibilities and the potential danger alone, but it is a completely different animal all together to subject my children to the absolute crazy out there.

I am sad that the world is coming to this. That I have to pick and choose when I think it is safe to take my children out of the house.

In other news I have continued eating well;

So far today I have had 2 sandwich thins with less than a 1/4 cup scoop of tuna on each one, a small bag of chips and coffee with peppermint creamer. For snack I had a fiber one brownie. Tonight is my Aunt's birthday and we will be celebrating with egg fried rice with chicken and Lofthouse cookies for dessert. I am thankful she chose these cookies because instead of a 400 calorie piece of cake I can have 1 160 calorie cookie and feel satisfied without the guilt.

* Have you ever had a Lofthouse cookie? It's like eating ... like eating the softest icing covered ... well in the words of Tim Hawkins, 'It's like eating a baby angel', only it isn't a Krispy Kreme Donut.

I have done Zumba with only a one day break (Monday) which is the day I spend with the ex-husband and the girls. I have been doing not only the Cardio Party but the ab workouts and the Toning and Sculpting DVD.

The Cardio Party is an ass kicker. You have to incorporate all the energy, rhythm and momentum you have inside you to keep up and it lasts for 50 minutes with a cool down. It includes Salsa, Cumbia, Reggaeton, Samba, something they call a USA Mix which is like line dancing mixed with the twist, and something they call Calypso and more that I cannot remember. There is a lot of bouncing, hip gyrating, shoulder shaking and quick steps. Having heel spurs and chronic plantar fascitis my feet hurt the worst out of all my muscles after each workout but it is so worth it! The Sculpting & Toning is my favorite though because it incorporates Belly Dancing, Flamenco and African Rhythms. It seriously targets the waist and belly.

...This could be fun also...
So, now we are stuck here at home. My poor children are in iPad zombie mode. I keep trying to think of things to do but the weather is crappy so they don't want to go outside. I can't take them to the mall. haha!! Yeah, not after yesterday! Nope, the mall is the last place I want to be. They've destroyed their room, exhausting all play and pretend with their toys and honestly, I don't have the mental energy to come up with anything super creative.

I kinda want to bake, but that isn't until Saturday... hmmmph

Maybe a nap.

Yes, a nap sounds good.

But then again maybe not, because if I nap, it will go something like this:

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Day 3

This was obviously made by a bitter husband.
Regardless it applies to me. 
I pulled out all the stops on my Zumba hour today. I bounced and I swiveled and I tapped and bopped and swayed and gyrated ... and now the spurs in my heels and my plantar fascitis are acting up. It could be that I not only pulled out all the stops for Zumba hour with all my rhythmic awesomeness and then proceeded to take a three hour market trip to the market, running (short sprints) up and down the aisles to make things less boring for my girls who have a less than stellar track record as of late at the grocery store.

I did well eating today. (Insert the choir of angels singing hallelujah!)

Coffee after Zumba with 1/4 cup cream which is 70 calories. The cream in my coffee is the one thing I  will not deny myself. I need the coffee to ward off migraines and the coffee just isn't right without the cream. It is what it is.

I had a turkey cranberry wrap (Garlic & Herb tortilla, cranberry spread, lowfat cream cheese, lettuce and turkey) for 320 cals for lunch with a handful of Lays chips. I didn't count them but I am going to estimate high just in case and say 2 servings worth which would be 260 cals. Total for lunch was 580 cals.

For dinner I made a homemade smoothie with frozen peaches, a fresh banana and some milk. I estimated that at 440 cals and then because I needed something with a bit more substance I had a sandwich thin with Garlic & Herb Laughing Cow cheese and several slices of Mesquite Deli Turkey which added up to about 185 calories and for dessert I had a 90 calorie Fiber One brownie.

I ended the day at 1446 calories consumed. If I go by the Zumba calorie calculator that estimates by weight, intensity and duration of exercise, I burned approximately 1012 calories just doing Zumba. I did not estimate the calories burned walking and sprinting all over the market because, well, I just count that as every day chores.

On a TMI note I have been taking the depo-provera birth control shot for going on 2 years now. My last shot was in July and they are due every 3 months to maintain effectiveness. When I was 20 I came off depo after having been on it for a similar duration and it took 8 months after the last shot was due that I never took for my period to return. This time my shot was due in early October. It is now early December (2 months since when my last shot was due) and guess what I found this morning? Yep, the big RED P had reared her ugly cramp inducing head. ((sigh)) I am now torn whether to continue on with the shot and live in no-period bliss but have all those synthetic hormones racing through my body doing God knows what damage, or if I should allow my body to regulate. The two downsides to regulating; 1- I get periods and they are horrible. 2 - I don't want more children. It 'tis quite the conundrum.

So now I sit here and I feel like I should be enjoying the quiet while my children are sleeping and there is nothing to do but whatever I want to do. In reality though my eyelids feel like there are mini ship anchors attached to them and my entire body ACHES. My pillow is calling in a soft whisper, 'come sleep. Commmeee sleeeeepppp. You know you want to.'

But I'm going to sit here for 5 more minutes and try to enjoy the peace and quiet and my me time before I do what I actually want to do and go to bed.

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