Thursday, December 13, 2012

I Officially Ended Today Sucking @$$ GRRR

I did so well, all day.


Then that pesky time between lunch and dinner intervened.

My mom hadn't eaten lunch yet and the sandwich she made looked so good.

I figured I could use a snack so I made myself a similar sandwich on 100 calories sandwich thins.

My daughters wanted some.

They ate most of it so I justified making myself another.

They ate some of that too.

I wanted something else. My hunger was not satisfied.

I ate a graham cracker.

No go.

I ate some regular crackers.

No go.

At this point I realized it was head hunger, not 'stomach growling, I actually need to eat' hunger.


I stopped eating, well prepared for dinner.

I arrived at my grandparent's house where dinner was what my Aunt had chosen.

Egg fried rice with chicken.

I am not a fan of rice.

At all.

In fact, usually, if there is another part to the meal like a protein and a veggie I will skip the rice all together.

I dislike it that much.

But there was no side of protein or veggie.

It was all mixed in one scoop of steamy white rice goulash.

Bleck.

I ate it, smothered in salt and pepper to at least try to extract any flavor it may have.

I ate one plate (probably about 1.5 cups)

I wasn't satisfied.

I ate another plate. (another 1.5 cups)

I still was not satisfied.

Then my grandma brought out the birthday desserts;

Mini chocolate brownies, Lofthouse cookies, homemade sugar cookies with homemade peppermint frosting, ice cream, and whipped cream.

I had planned on eating one Lofthouse cookie

I had also not planned on eating the buttload of 'snacky junk' and then the second helping of dinner.

I felt discouraged and plucked the cookie and a mini brownie off the dessert plate and plopped it onto mine.

I scraped the frosting off the brownie.

I like frosting as much as I like rice.

I ate the brownie.

I ate the cookie.


I was offered 1/4 of a homemade sugar cookie with homemade peppermint frosting.

I accepted.

THIS FROSTING I DID LIKE.

I was offered a scoop of vanilla ice cream. (Maybe 1/4 cup)

I accepted.

I was offered another. (Again, MAYBE 1/4 cup)

I accepted, now fully aware a binge was in full progress.

I stopped here.

I felt bloated.

Thank you extra rice and all the salt I added to make you taste halfway decent when I didn't even want you in the first place. Thank you brownie who wasn't even worth the two bites it took to finish you.

About an hour later my oldest daughter was hungry.

She is very tall and thin (100+ percentile for height and only 25 percentile for weight) so when she is hungry and she wants something healthy like protein or healthy fats (cheeses, avocados, etc) I always say yes.

She chose a slice of turkey.

She offered me some.

I ate it.

Without thinking.

My other daughter was snacking on dried mango.

She put some to my lips to share with mommy while I was talking.

I ate it.

Without thinking.

When I got home I felt defeated. My only solace was that I had worked my ass off at Zumba this afternoon and felt compelled to do it again. I didn't.

I will not trade one unhealthy obsession/addiction for another.

I obviously have a very addictive personality.

And if I allow myself an inch, myself will take a mile.

I was far gone.

I felt completely discouraged, completely out of control and like a complete idiot.

I sense a trend.

As each week finishes, I tend to sabotage myself.

I find myself very irritating.

Sooooooo...

I sat down after my girls were asleep to watch a TV show with my mom.

She went and grabbed some ice cream from the freezer.

I was still mentally hungry.

I didn't want ice cream.

I wanted more salt.

I made myself some soup.

I ate it.

With a diet coke. (Nice right)














And there ends my binge.

Now I sit here with my oldest daughter who is sick. Coughing, hacking, congested, clearing her throat, tummy aches, sore throat, and irritable. She is propped up on me as I type this and I wish all of the thoughts of food and all the thoughts of today and all the guilt and remorse and anguish and hormonal imbalance that my binge caused would go away so I could focus on her 110% instead of having the rest gnawing on the back of my mind like a ravenous dog with a dried up bone.

Tomorrow will be better.

Better meal plan.

Better control.

Clearer thought process

And of course, ZUMBA!


2 comments :

  1. Tomorrow will be better! You said it, and I just know it!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm always very thirsty after fried rice dishes. Several glasses of water will help flush out some of that sodium that your body is holding onto after a day of eating like that.

    ReplyDelete

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