Thursday, December 27, 2012

The Mental Battle Rages On And Vanity Wars

Since yesterday I have been thinking that I need to start eating well now after all the celebratory yummy numminess.

But then I argue with myself that tomorrow is my grandma's 64th birthday and we will be going somewhere super yummy to eat.

Then I argue with myself that I could probably still find something healthy no matter where we go

To which I answer myself, but why chance it? Why not just enjoy myself for 6 more days?

Well, because then you will have that much extra sodium and weight to lose once you do start again.

As if the tens of thousands of calories I have consumed in the past week is going to be affected by another 1000 calorie meal.

Eventually the hunger monster always wins out.

I will start again on January first.

Cliche but that is just what I will do.

Then birthdays will be over, New Years Eve will be over and there will be no more celebratoriness to sabotage my efforts.

In an effort to spark some inspiration, though I have decided to take a little trip down memory vanity lane in the form of photos. I don't know if I mentioned it before but my entire life I have been particularly vain and narcissistic. Even though as an adult I have never weighed less than 203lbs I have always been particularly conscious of how my hair looks, my makeup, how thin or fat my face looks, especially in photographs. I learned early how to position my face in self portraits and other's photos so my face appeared thinner and I always made sure I wore 'in' clothes but nothing that didn't flatter me. For example: The girls who 'can' wear skinny jeans but just shouldn't because of the muffin top or short stumpy girls with the elephant thighs who insist on wearing leggings that show every bump and bulge. No, that was never me. I was always very conscious to cover what I knew other people would not want to see.
Playing with Shadows, not Myself. I Promise
Around 270lbs

High School Probably Around 230-240lbs


Around 270-280lbs

270lbs

270-280lbs







ALL OF THESE WERE BETWEEN 260-280LBS 
JUST AFTER AFTER I WAS MARRIED.

300+lbs here and approximately 2 months pregnant
with Breezy

Approximately 350lbs and 8 months pregnant
with Breezy

360+lbs here and ready to burst with Breezy.
Just before Due date in August

IN 2010 I BEGAN A WEIGHT LOSS JOURNEY
THAT WOULD TAKE ME DOWN
TO 270LBS FROM A WHOPPING 330
300lbs

290ish lbs

290ish lbs

280ish lbs

280ish lbs
(my profile with my cousin facing the camera)

270ish lbs

270ish lbs

270ish lbs

270lbs

270ish lbs

I DIVORCED IN 2011 AND MY WEIGHT STARTED TO CREEP BACK ON

THESE NEXT PICTURES ARE IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER

The beginning of the weight gain
Probably around 295lbs
With My Seester

315lbs

My Most Recent Photo
328lbs


And that is where I am now. Gahhh!

I have heard many people say, 'what I wouldn't give to look like that' or 'like I did' or whatever. Obviously you wouldn't give up food or downtime on the couch watching your reality TV huh?

Well, right now that battle is raging for me. What I wouldn't give to lose this weight?

The question is, WHAT AM I WILLING TO GIVE TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT? In one way or another we sacrifice something.

WILL I CHOOSE HEALTH AND BEAUTY, VANITY AND LONGEVITY or WILL I CHOOSE GLUTTONOUS, SLOVENLY, HUMILIATING DELICIOUS FOOD??

That is the question and only I have the answer.





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