Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Dilemma in the Familiar Dynamics

A little history:

 When I was 6 months old my mom (who was very very VERY young when she had me) started dating a guy who we will call Dill Weed. (And yes, we do actually call him that) Dill Weed was a volatile human being with a short and easily fueled temper. My mom and Dill Weed dated for several years and he asked her to marry him THRICE. (that's three times) The first time she called it off. The second time my grandparents called it off. And the third time, even though marriage counselors, pastors and family alike all warned her against marrying this deeply dysfunctional human being she married him. I was 6.

 In case my nickname for him does not suggest how I feel about the man, I am not extremely fond of my stepfather. From infancy into adulthood he resented me and treated me like the plague. A child to be dealt with because I belonged to the person he loved desired. He had no affection, compassion or parental guidance to offer. I grew to resent him too, though as a child you explain that resentment as 'I don't like him'.

Now, as an adult, I realize the origin of the deep roots of that resentment and bitterness I feel. My most fond memories of him ((note extreme sarcasm))are when I was three and sitting in my car seat in my mom's red Toyota pickup. We roll to a stop at a stop sign and to my 3 year old terror there Dill Weed is in his silver truck next to us yelling profanities at my mom, threatening her, screaming at her and her screaming right back. My slightly distorted memory is of a monster faced Dill Weed.

 Another is when he was watching me one night while my mom had to work and I was extremely sad that she left, let alone that I had to be left with him and so I cried and cried. I remember crying that I wanted my mom and I didn't want her to leave and instead of comforting me he yelled at me from the couch to stop my crying or he'd give me something to cry about and then when I didn't stop he sent me to my room, told me to stay there and that he didn't want to see me for the rest of the night. I remember sitting on my bed in the dark just sobbing.

 Yet another is when my mom and he were in the middle of a particularly heated and verbally abusive fight and he picked up the solid oak chair from my kiddie table in a visual threat of throwing it at my mom.

 And then there were all those nights when the doors would slam and he would leave and then return and the screaming would resume and then the doors would slam and it was a vicious cycle until my mom would have enough, pack us up and we would leave to my grandparents' house. Those were the only times I felt safe, was when we went home (where I had lived the first 6 years of my life) to my grandparents' house.

 I moved to Washington from California when I was 20. In addition to escaping other disturbing facets of my life, I wanted to escape HIM; the overbearing, mother persuading, corrupt and deeply prejudiced stepfather he was.

In 2008 my mom left California to move up to Washington, leaving Dill Weed there. She knew he would never move to Washington and decided to leave him anyway. So, from 2008 forward she lived here with my sister.

 In 2009 I divorced my husband and moved in with my mom and the household of 2 became a household of 5. The dynamics were off and it took a long time for my mom to compromise on a lot of things. But then Dill Weed's dad passed away in 2011 and he decided to move up to Washington as well. It was all shits and giggles for a while. And then his true colors began to shine through. His volatile behavior began to crack the facade of the candy coated impersonator he had become. He became withdrawn, snappy, easily angered. He slept a lot. He displayed odd behavior and then we became aware of his habit of prescription drug abuse. We all knew he was on large doses of medication for pain but we didn't know how much he was taking and that not all of it was prescribed to him let alone that he was and had been abusing it to the extent that he did.

One Wednesday Evening 6 months ago:

 There was an incident that could only be described as an accidental overdose and then other behavior of deception and theft came to light. My mom sent him packing and told him she was done. He remained in Washington for a week and when he realized my mom was not going to take him back he put himself through a week of detox and moved back to California, all the while keeping in contact with my mom and pleading his case to come back. In time my mom got used to the idea of bringing him back. He argued that he was going to therapy and working through HIS DEEPLY ROOTED ISSUES FROM HIS CHILDHOOD. He plead her forgiveness and told her he was changing. My grandmother who we will call Momo says that this has happened more than two handfuls of times in their almost 3 decades together and she doesn't believe that he has changed or will change as significantly as he claims.

Which brings me to the dilemma.

I am not interested in having a relationship with Dill Weed. I don't want to work on it. I don't want him coming back. I am glad to be rid of him. I understand that my mom wants to do the right thing and work on her marriage and I support her. Only her. I do not want to be a part of his return. I do not want to live with him.

I also know it is not all about me.

I know my mom has a right to try to save her marriage. I know that, for her, I should make an effort to be civil and help her make the atmosphere of the house a happy one if and when he returns especially since I have no chance right now of making it on my own the way the economy and the job market is. So, I know it is wrong of me to be so unforgiving and petty when my mom has been so good and giving to me.

But that is how I feel. And of course, not at all toward my mom. Just him.

It is my turn to be resentful and bitter and cold. It is my turn not to give a flying eff how he feels or if he is sobbing on his bed at night in the dark. It is my turn to watch TV contentedly while he yearns sad and alone for my mom. It is my turn.

My gramma spoke with him at length yesterday about how he is changing, his therapy, his temper, his recuperation from addiction and whenever she brought up appreciating life or the present, all he could say was that he wanted to come back. A 50 year old man living in the future and the want of what he does not have  instead of in the now, appreciating the life he has, the breath he breathes and the things surrounding him that he very well could have completely lost along with his life after the stunt he pulled 6 months ago.

I firmly believe:

One a liar, always a liar
Once an abuser, always an abuser
Once a manipulator, always a manipulator

Unless God intervenes and this man does not have God in his life.


Sunday, October 21, 2012

Day 8 Prank Texting, FAIL & Apple Crap

Today is day 8.

Today is Sunday.

On Sundays we go to church and I set my alarm for 8:00.

Then I set a second alarm for 8:15 because my lazy ass does not like to get up at 8:00.

At 7:50 I get a text: CALL ME from a number I do not recognize.

I respond: who is this?

Texter: Emma

Now, I haven't discussed names on my blog except for my daughters' nicknames but here I will divulge that my family has two cats. A 4 year old male named Pierce and an almost 6 month old female named Emma. So you can imagine that in my 1/2 asleep state that the first face that comes to mind is my adorable little kitten at the sight of her name.
But of course, being a kitten I quickly realize that Emma is most likely NOT texting me. 

Me: You have the wrong number

I imagine that will be the end of that and close my eyes to await what is now 8 minutes until my first alarm is to go off. But then my phone bling blings again with another text.

Texter: No its emmah your friend.

Okay, first I thought your name was Emma ('cuz emmah is how they spelled it the second time) and second, I already told you that you have the wrong number so why are you interrupting my precious beauty sleep?

Me: The only Emma I know is my cat. You have the wrong number.

And that's the end of that. Clap hands together and slam eyelids shut to resume sleep.

**BLING BLING!!**

Eyes pop open and I inhale deeply. Do people not understand how truly early 7:55 (by now) is in the morning and how precious sleep is to a mommy who rarely gets it?

Texter: What

WTF DO YOU MEAN WHAT?

Me: Stop texting me

Within seconds, Texter: Robbs dauter (I am assuming she meant daughter)

By now I am a little incensed. My alarm is going to go off in two minutes. My kids are by some miracle still sleeping while I am dealing with this way too early in the morning prank texting game. Gahh!

Me: Hey! Kid! I'm a 28 year old woman with kids who are sleeping and you're going to wake them up. Stop texting me! NOW!

Texter: Im 39 stop now

Fun and games are now over and this mama is MADD!

Me: If I receive another text I will call the cops. Mmk?

Texter: im mad im calling the cops now

I proceed to call the non-emergent line to report these texts and while I am on the phone with dispatch and then a local police officer I get this.

Texter: Im sorry my sister thought this was her friends number.... im really sorry

Hmm. Do I feel a little bad? Yep. Am I still irritated? You bet!

Texter: im really sorry. please dont call.

A little late sweetie.

10 seconds later. Texter: Im really sorry I thot this was my friend

And somehow the 'wrong number and please don't text me' comments didn't even give you a moment's doubt?

By now I have spoken to the officer who asked me if I would like him to call the number to request that they stop calling. By now I have also deduced by the tone of the texts, the horrific spelling and the emoticons that this is a young teenage girl, likely named Emma whose dad's name is Robb. If I had been a nasty or malicious person I could have totally taken advantage of the situation to get a ton of information out of her. ie: where she lives, how old she is, if she's alone etc. And that is why I did have the cop call the number. Not because I was angry anymore, and not because I wanted her to get in trouble but because if she was my daughter I would want to know that she was carrying on a conversation and unknowingly giving personal information to a total stranger behind a telephone number she 'thinks' is her friend's. It is really scary and sad these days the trouble kids and teens can get into without even any bad intent. Later I received a call from the police officer who assured me that he had talked to the girl and her parents as well and I am glad. I just hope her parents have a good talk with her regarding personal information and acknowledging when someone says you have the wrong number as well as verifying that when  you do text someone, you actually have the correct one in the first place!
Monitor your kids use of their cell phones
OR BETTER YET
Don't give them a cell phone that can call JUST ANYONE
MAKE IT FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY!!


MOVING RIGHT ALONG. There is no need for my first or second alarm because by now it is nearly 8:20 and my daughters are still sleeping peacefully. GAAHHH!! Always on Sundays. Every other day of the week when I have the opportunity to sleep in, they are up at 6:45 or 7:15 but oh no, on the days where I have to be up they sleep and it takes a bull horn to wake them!

So, we are 10 minutes late to church and my Breezy (my youngest) has separation anxiety so I spend at least 3-5 minutes trying to peel her off my behind and shove nudge her into her Sunday school class. I then proceed to 'big kid Sunday school' (haha) and sit down, only to be told by the choir to stand back up to sing. Thankfully when the pastor finally takes the pulpit I am able to close my eyes and fall asleep listen. I do force myself to open my eyes every few minutes though to clear the crazy swirling colors that if I allow them to will turn into dreams and also to make sure I'm not drooling on myself.

Today's sermon was on sacrifice and I LOVED IT! I will have to get into that on another post at another time.

After church we headed to our normal 'after church breakfast place' only to find out that their water heater had died (a horrible tragic death I hope for depriving me of my normal Sunday breakfast) and they were closed until further notice. So we ended up at Jack in the Box. Now, at Jack in the Box there are pros and cons. The pros are that all the menu items have the calorie count right on the menu. The con is that anything that might even suggest to fill you up is no less than 600 calories. So, being that it is nearly noon and I don't plan on eating a second meal until dinner I opt for the 620 calorie grilled breakfast sandwich and coffee with cream. After that we came home to play and rest. Well, my daughters being my daughters wanted a snack even though they had just eaten and I being the kind of lax mom who wants to beef up my super scrawny slender 4 year old and knows my 3 year old won't eat much of whatever she chooses lets them go pick something out. What I didn't count on was suddenly wanting a snack myself. So I chose a 90 calorie Fiber One brownie and that is where it all went downhill. I should have just told myself no, and waited until dinner like I had planned but I let myself have that one stupid brownie and all of a sudden my munchies were on high speed warp drive and my self control plummeted to my hard wood floor and completely absorbed, unobtainable. I found myself eating chips and chocolate (two of my trigger foods) and then when dinner came I ate way too much even though it was mostly healthy. (tex-mex veggies; onion, bell pepper, corn and black beans inside a corn tortilla) OR 6 CORN TORTILLAS IN MY CASE! Yeah, so today was an epic fail. I need to learn to harness and restrain the munchie monster and tell myself no even when I tell my children yes.







I think my new slogan should be JUST SAY NO. Just say no to kids and teens with cell phones. Just say no to snacking! And finally just say no to APPLE! Aside from the fact that Apple is an openly liberal company and a huge supporter of Obama, I am quite appalled by their services and products as of late. I have had my iPhone 3GS for a while. My mom has had hers for a while also. Hers all of a sudden is dying and won't stay on. It cuts off at very inopportune times and needs to be plugged in to actually work properly. Hmmmm. Now that might just be a sign that it needs a new battery, right? Yeah, well the closest Apple store to where we live is nearly 50 miles away and with gas at $4.00/gallon who the hell has that much money to spend when you're going to spend an additional $50-$75 on a phone battery? Now, some people might say, well then you could call Apple and have them send you one. Yeah, not really. If your phone or any Apple product is out of warranty they charge you to talk to them; $75 for full Apple care or $19.99 for a single instance. WTF? I experienced this tonight. Both my daughters are extremely spoiled very blessed and have their own iPads. My youngest dropped hers tonight and I expected that to be no big deal because it has a bullet proof shield nice sturdy cover around it for such occasions. When I picked it up and pressed the home button, the screen looked something like this: Everything was fluorescent with strange lines through it and it really hurt the eyes to look at. So while the apps were visible and Breezy could technically still use it, I needed to find out how to fix it ASAP. So, I called Apple. Now, if you have ever called Apple, you know that they use voice recognition prompts which COMPLETELY PISS ME OFF! 

No matter how many times you repeat the simplest phrase or word the prompt doesn't understand you. 

Me: Customer Service
Prompt: Did you say Account Receivable
Me: No. Customer Service
Prompt: Did you say Technical Service?
Me: No! Customer Service!
Prompt: I'm sorry. I'm having a hard time understanding you. Please tell me again what I can do for you. I understand complete sentences.
Me: I need to speak to customer service about my defective iPad.
Prompt: Okay. Billing. 
Me: NO NOT BILLING. CUSTOMER SERVICE!
Prompt: Okay, MacBook Pro. Do you need technical help?
Me: NO!! NOT MACBOOK PRO! IPAD! IPAD! CUSTOMER SERVICE FOR IPAD!

And so the infuriating circles continue until the prompt apparently exceeds its allotment of guesses and laments: I am sorry I still did not understand what you said. Let me find someone to help you.

HALLELUJAH! THANK THE LORD!

Then someone comes on the line and GASP it isn't someone named Adam Smith with an Arabic, Asian or Spanish accent. I can actually understand them, but my IPHONE service is cutting in and out. JUST FLIPPIN' PEACHY. So, we go through the logistics. Device serial number which I have to repeat to him in code 3 times. D is for dog. H is for Heaven. 2 - he interrupts me and says, 'Q?' And I correct him. 'No, 2.' And he repeats, 'Q? Like queen?' and I sigh deeply and say, 'No, 2. Like the number 2.' and we move on and as soon as we finish that he drops the bomb on me that my 90 day warranty is up and I will need to buy a lifetime Apple Care package for $75 or a single instance package for $19.99. I explain to him the circumstances about the colors and the iPad and how far away the closest store is and he attempts to help me but tells me it is most likely a symptom of the drop which will not be covered and would cost $249 to replace or it is a manufacturer's defect and the iPad would be fixed for free. Regardless, I would have to travel the 50 miles and spend bazillions of dollars on gas to fix my daughter's iPad. Then he said, "there is one thing I can try." He directed me to press this and hold that down and then asked me to look for a button that just didn't exist and I was about to get cranky when out of nowhere the color restored itself on the iPad and voila, I was no longer in need of his assistance and to hell with any Apple Care packages. Jeez! Since when does customer service cost money?!

And now, I am going to be super careful and only let Breezy use her iPad when she is sitting down and I will kindly explain to my children, my family and anyone in the world who dares suggest I ever buy another Apple product that there is no way in hell that will ever happen again!

And lastly, I'm tired of people using our front yard as their party/hang out place. Our front yard is quite vast with a four foot high paver wall surrounding it. My mom's bedroom window looks out onto part of it and for the last several nights the teens from around the neighborhood have decided to use that wall and our grass in our front yard as their hang out place. This is just beyond unacceptable to me. Was there a public announcement to the youth of today that it is okay to use other people's property for their personal and social business? I had just about enough of it tonight as these two teens walked along the paver wall and sat cross legged in our front lawn keeping my mom awake with their loud and incessant crazy babble. I opened the blinds and just stared at them until they noticed me and when they did, they promptly jumped off the wall and disappeared into the night. Seriously?! (((shakes head - face palm)))

AND, A RANDOM THOUGHT:



Saturday, October 20, 2012

I Am a Closet Fashion Whore (A Post of Verbal Diarrhea)

*Rambling post! You have been warned


I would totally do this!




I am thankful that I have not been skinny all my life for one reason. I would be bankrupt ten times over from what would have been an uncontrollable addiction to everything fashionable, cute, trendy, beautiful or fun to look at and/or accessorize with. From simple clothing, to eccentric hair, makeup, perfumes, nails, piercings, tattoos and other accessories like my car, my phone, my room! The options would have been literally endless and not only would I have had to have everything, I would have wanted to change it up and mix it up on a regular basis. My body, my possessions and my life would literally be a work of art, (I imagine) because I doubt I would have been able to stop. Thank God, though, that with all the extra poundage I have been able to abstain. I've always figured, who cares if my hair is perfect if my body isn't? Who cares if I wear cute clothes if I look like Shamu in them? Who cares if my makeup is perfect if the rest of me looks like a bag lady. Who cares if I can wear simply adorable high heels if I look like an oompa loompa on 6" stilts? Who cares if I drive a sexy car since I'm everything but? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares?
I think having spent my whole life holding back has simultaneously made me more conservative in my fashion endeavors while making me a secret fashion whore. I love the phone cover and the only thing that would have made it better if it was black with pink rhinestones or vice versa. I am really into baby pink, black and grey all mixed together. They are my favorite color combinations but that isn't to say that I don't love all the other colors of the rainbow also, especially when it comes to makeup!
This is more my speed

The photo below is just absolutely gorgeous and I would love to be able to do my makeup this way. There is nothing quite like a perfect line when applying eye makeup. Maybe that is what my calling would have been, had I not decided to have kids; makeup artist or personal stylist! I wonder when I lose all this weight, if I will be able to live up to my own standards. Haha!
When I was 15 I started wearing makeup. In hindsight I think my mom should have made me wait longer or should have taught me to appreciate my natural state more. I have been a makeup enthusiast and perfectionist ever since and I have perfected what I think looks best on my face; the smokey eyed look with the perfect drawn line on the upper lid. Unfortunately, I have not been brave enough to wear anything but browns and golds, pinks and blacks and I just cannot bring myself to wear lipstick. My whole life I have been told I have enormous eyes and that they would pop all that much more if I were thin. I've always been told I have kissing lips, fat lips, black lips, nice lips which basically means I have good lips. But it makes me feel like a hooker when I put on anything but sheer lip gloss.



And like I said before anyway, what's the point of applying makeup if the face doesn't match the body? What is the point of only being a quarter beautiful?


I also get that that is not at all logical and that if it makes me feel beautiful to do my makeup I should, regardless of what the rest of me looks like. I am a narcissistic martyr of sorts I suppose. I simultaneously covet and detest the attention when I look nice. Perhaps I covet it because I didn't receive enough positive attention and perhaps I detest it because I fear rejection. There's always a bunch of psychobabble balogna that I like to come up with for the reasons I do the things I do and feel the way I feel. I should have been a therapist for all the circles I talk myself into and through.

My mom was a teenager in the 80's and so for as long as I can remember she had acrylic nails that measured a minimum of an inch and a half and generally closer to two and a half inches long. I remember she worked as a manager at a local supermarket and when she used the registers she had to use a pencil eraser to type because her nails stopped her from typing efficiently. As a young girl who very much looked up to her beautiful mama (who was extremely stylish and always wearing the most fashionable of everything - even when MC Hammer pants were in style) I always loved her nails. I always wanted long beautiful nails too with pretty gems and splattered colors or perfect lines.
When I was very little my mom used to buy me the plastic fingertips with long nails for me to wear and when I got too old for those she would buy me the fake nails with the sticky tape on the backs that adhered to your nail. I always hated those because anytime I touched anything they would pop off. Then I was allowed to use nail glue which excited me to no end. I thought, finally, I get to have real long nails. But to my dismay they  popped off even with the glue. Then on one glorious day when I was 13 or 14 my mom took me to get real acrylics and I have been addicted ever since. Granted, I haven't had them in years. That is a direct effect of my weight and my finances. I cannot justify spending $40 on acrylic nails when my fingers resemble large breakfast sausages.


Are these shoes not absolutely the most adorable high heels you have ever seen? Okay, maybe that is an exaggeration but these are prime examples of what I would probably wear 24/7 if I thought my weight wouldn't decimate the heal into a flat. Not to mention that I would never allow my ankles to be seen. I don't have cankles per say but my ankles are nothing to be particularly proud of and I would not flaunt them in these strappy shoes that would make them appear only 200 times their actual size. So I would be subject to wearing pants which would essentially hide the cutest part of the shoe (the bow) therefore negating the entire point of wearing the shoe!

Perfume is something I can wear unabashedly and I do. In my cupboard at the moment I have more than 8 perfumes, more than 5 body sprays and so many different lotions, body creams and body butters that I could smell absolutely rancid if I accidentally spilled them all. From deeply musky scents to flowery to fruity. Sweet like candy to warm like cinnamon and vanilla, I love different scents. I have to say that one of my favorite fragrances of all time is White Diamonds and when I get to be at least 50 years old I will wear it proudly (if they still make it). Meanwhile my favorite fragrances are J'dore, Reveal and Eternity. Nothing super spendy because well, I don't have money for super spendy liquid that is just going to get washed off with the next shower. 


When I lose all this weight I so look forward to wearing clothing that no normal person would wear on any given day. Dresses meant for occasions out of my league, beautiful jewelry that accentuated bones that can now actually be seen. Accessories that compliment the outfit and no worries about lumps, bumps, bulges or if my ass looks too big. OR EVEN WORSE if the front of my dress is longer than the back because my ass IS SO BIG that it creates a shelf for the material causing it to rise unnaturally in the back.

I look forward to wearing a dress at all to be honest with you. With a pannus (and no that is not a misspell - click the word for the definition), wearing a dress is just not attractive, especially 
when the material accidentally gets tucked under the skin. I imagine even after I have lost all the weight I can lose that I will have some sort of pannus and the remaining skin will have to be removed with cosmetic surgery. I am hoping that it will be considered medical instead of cosmetic so that my insurance will cover it. My health insurance does not cover anything cosmetically related and so if I continue to have bruising from the skin slapping itself (especially when I exercise vigorously) irritation, rash, external yeast infections etc, I cannot imagine that my doctors would not deem it medically necessary for the betterment of my life to have the skin removed. Here is crossing fingers and hoping. 

I have been looking at so many blogs lately where women have lost XX and XXX amount of weight and the saggy baggy wrinkly and hanging skin scares me. I know I will be one of them because the frontal butt crack (anyone who has a large lower abdomen knows what I'm talking about - especially in tight jeans) I have already is basically just wrinkled skin that folds in on itself. Not to mention the skin on my inner thighs is basically like rice paper. I don't think it would take much for it to just shred apart let alone hang in wrinkled ugliness when there is no more fat to fill it out somewhat. And I'm not just concerned about the flabby skin. I'm concerned about removing said skin because of the significant scarring I have seen on other bloggers. Armpit to elbow to get rid of batwings, hip bone to hip bone for the frontal butt, and Lord help me if I need an entire upper or lower body lift OR BOTH! It's really a very scary and overwhelming topic, so I will stick to the task at hand (LOSING WEIGHT) and cross that bridge when I come to it. 

Now that I have rambled into oblivion it is time to put my chicklits to bed. Goodnight blog world!

Friday, October 19, 2012

Fall has Arrived

There are few things I love more than fall (except for Christmas). The leaves changing colors, the smell of the air, the rain, the wind, the hot coffees and teas, the warm comfy clothes! It just is so comforting and wonderful and warm and cozy. It makes me so happy. Not to mention that my birthday comes just as fall arrives. Not to mention that fall kicks off all the wonderful holidays of the season starting with aforementioned birthday! I'm all smiles and giggles just thinking about the rain and puddle stomping with my girls, crunching leaves, sipping nonfat pumpkin spice or chai lattes while my girls play at the fabulous little kid friendly coffee shop in town with my family. Warm dinners and sitting by the fire afterward, the pumpkin patch, pumpkin carving, dressing up (but no ugly costumes. This mama doesn't like ugly costumes) trick-or-treating, and then baking and movies and Christmas specials on TV and sales in department stores that begin in November! Thanksgiving, and Christmas shopping the day after! Driving around to look at all the beautiful lights as people decorate their houses, singing Christmas carols and decorating our own trees. Shopping and spending time with family. 'Tis the season! Wohooo!

Day (umm) 6

When you don't avidly keep count of the days they kinda run together. So, I guess today is day 6 of eating well, resisting all evil food and trying my damndest to control the hunger monster in my head. I did very well last night. I ate my meal and my mom made corned beef hash, scrambled eggs, toast and peaches for herself, my sister and my girls. The girls never finish what is served to them whether it is small or enormous portions and the me of a week ago would have eaten anything that was leftover. From both of their plates. In addition to my dinner and then I would have had dessert and a late night snack. I didn't though. It took every friggin ounce of self control, a thousand deep breaths and holding my hands clasped together in my lap not to reach over and shovel the remaining food from their plates into my mouth. I had to close my eyes and distract myself, but I did it! I resisted! Not one morsel entered my lips. And later I felt good about it. I was proud of myself. There was relief that I had overcome the temptation. However, I realized in contrast how deeply affected I would have been if I had given in to the temptation. The relief was significant but the guilt would have been so much more intense. I am not naive though. I am certain that in the days, weeks, months to come and perhaps for the rest of my life I will be faced with the evil food monster's temptations and I will have to choose to resist or give in. I will have to choose relief or guilt. I can only pray it gets easier with time.




Thursday, October 18, 2012

M is for Mad Hunger Monster

I am in need of motivation or at least a distraction because the nasty mad hunger monster has attacked me today. It is 4:30 and I am sitting here having consumed 1071 calories. Breakfast, lunch and an afternoon snack. Still waiting on dinner and the munchies have overwhelmed my brain. CHIPS. BROWNIES. MUFFINS. FRUIT SNACKS! They are all calling to me, but I am ignoring them. I refuse! I will not succumb to the stupid hunger monster, especially since he bellows from my brain and not my stomach. So, I will sit here and look for some motivation.




I am dually impressed by the following success stories. 
I cannot wait to be one of them








Politics Abound (Not My Norm)

I normally am not so completely obsessed with politics. Normally, I like to hear about the left and the right and I like to make my own decisions without really making them public (except to my family) So, post elections in November you can expect to see MUCH LESS political fodder and MUCH MUCH MORE about weight loss, family etc. 

However, I believe this year and this election is going to be a pivotal marker in this country's history and I am very passionate about maintaining what this country has always stood for and what was intended by our forefathers. Don't get me wrong. I'm not opposed to progress and change but not at the risk of my livelihood, my morals, my values and my daughters' futures. There is just far too much at stake to remain complacently detached when this election will have such a profound affect on everyone; from the smallest of children to the oldest of seniors and EVERYONE inbetween. 

If it hasn't already been deducted I am a conservative. I know what I believe, how it parallels and does not parallel the 'republican' views and if nothing else, I know that the proof is in the pudding. No one is to say that Obama was not left with a mess when he became president. No one is to say that there weren't some hefty burdens set on his shoulders. But he also made some seriously hefty promises that he just did not live up to. 







Not to mention what he avidly believes in.








Partial abortion, Socialist thinking, Muslim values and the self-centered belief that anyone is entitled to anything and everything. Abortion should be legal in the cases of rape, incest or the life of the mother ONLY.  It should not be used as a form of contraception. Close your legs or accept responsibility. Socialist thinking is not how this country was intended to be run. The poor, the needy, the homeless, the hungry, YES! HELP THEM! Have programs that assist them but not programs for every Tom, Dick, Harry and Ashley who apply. Muslim values are not acceptable as the status quo for this country. This is a melting pot of religions not Islam central. 

7 Reasons Why Islam Is Dangerous

Although this is happening less often these days, I’m still discovering people who feel that all the criticism Islam cops is some kind of prejudice-base conspiracy to smear an otherwise honourable religion.   This week is the 10th anniversary of the World Trade Centre attacks, for anyone remembering this event to still believe Islam is peaceful displays an embarrassing level ignorance and intellectual laziness.  I had hoped by now that most people would have found the time to go down to a book store to buy a copy of the Koran or at least borrowed a few books from the library about Islam and read up on it.  Alas, intellectual laziness is forgiven in a society that doesn’t appreciate that a human being who is uninterested in the political/social going ons around them is as annoying as that lazy bum at work who won’t do anything.  They hold up the political and social development for everyone, not because they’ve got an issue with progress, they’re just too lazy to contribute to the dialogue of progress.
This article is written as a quick reference to use when dealing with people who say things like, “Islam is a religion of peace,” “Islam is a beautiful religion with a noble message,” and “the terrorists have corrupted Islam”.  A lot of people would look at a website likewww.muslimsagainstcrusades.com and be horrified by the way they’re glorifying mass murder yet still, for fear of being called a racist, not allow them to accept this simple fact of life: Islam is dangerous.  For these people, and the poor souls who have put up with these people, I have written this article.
1. Taqiyya Means Never Feeling Guilty for Lying
If you only read one section of this article, make sure it’s this one.  In Islam there is a concept called “Taqiyya” where it is permissable to lie about Islam so long as it protects the faith or faithful.  It comes directly out of the Koran 3:28:
Let not believers take disbelievers as allies rather than believers. And whoever [of you] does that has nothing with Allah , except when taking precaution against them in prudence. And Allah warns you of Himself, and to Allah is the [final] destination.
What this passage means is that muslims aren’t allowed to be friends with non-muslims unless they intend to exploit them.  To fulfill this charge muslims are allowed to lie about their religion.  Strictly speaking this should only mean denying that they are in fact muslim and pretending to be non-muslim, however, in practice it means lying about aspects of Islam that upset non-muslims like: Mohammed was a blood-thirsty tyrant who raped a 9 year old girl and invented the punishment of cutting off the hands and feet of petty criminals.  All things practiced by devout muslims to this day, but importantly, not by any other major religion no matter how poor and uneducated they may be.
What can we conclude from this? We simply cannot trust anything a muslim tells us about their own religion because they’re allowed to lie about it.  What’s worse, any muslim who says their our friend could very well be purposely manipulating us, I know that sounds paranoid, but read what that passage in the Koran that says and keep in mind that the Koran is meant to be the literal word of Allah and cannot be questioned.  We all know christians who take turn the other cheek seriously, you can bet muslims exist who take this seriously too.
2. Islam = Submission
For those of you who don’t know this, Islam means submission.  It’s supposed to mean submission to Allah but since Allah doesn’t speak directly to anyone, not even Mohammed who had the arch-angel Gabriel act as intermissary, no one can be sure what it is Allah wants you to do.  Muslims usually point out that the Koran is the literal word of Allah yet completely discount the possibility that Mohammed was 7th century Charles Manson and as such, his recitations of what the arch-angel told him might have been a load of self-serving sociopathic permissiveness.  Like how Allah conveniently told Mohammed could temporarily acknowledge and pay his respects to the gods of Makkah and al-Madinah, yup, got to love a guy like Mohammed without the balls to stand up for his own faith.  At least in the Jesus story the point is that it is better to die horribly for what you believe in than to tell a lie to save your own skin.
There is also this idea that submission is somehow virtuous, but it is merely temporarily pragmatic in the case of being threatened with violence and cowardly if you have a free choice.  Submission is a violent act against the individual.  A person who submits cannot agree or offer their advice, labour or company freely, they are compelled to because they have ceased to be an autonomous person but have become a slave.  Submission means slavery as anyone with a knowledge of BDSM know, they would also know that it is degrading to be treated as such. Yet Islam is a religion that considers owning and dominating people to be virtuous.  This opposes everything our culture’s ideal of equal, universal and inalienable human rights stands for.  To endorse Islam is to surrender your human rights and dignity.
Allah tells Muslims to submit to his will or he will torture and torment you in the after life for eternity.  Don’t be misled, that’s the same thing as me putting a gun to your head and telling you to give me all your money or I would kill you.  Be smart, be brave, be proud and don’t submit.
3. Dhimmitude
You can always judge a religion by how well it treats it’s non-adherents.  In Islam they have perfected the art of abolishing the dignity of non-adherents.  They have developed this concise set of rules:
A. If they are jewish or christian, classify them as ‘dhimmis‘ and make them pay a special ‘tax’ (the jizya) to the Islamic endorsed government in return for not being murdered by muslims.  If they do not pay up then enslave, rob, rape and lynch them as you please.
B. If they are not jewish nor christian, then enslave, rob, rape and lynch them as you please.
C. If they are atheists. Kill them.
D. If they were muslim and became apostates then kill them.  Kill them now, with scalding water.
So the options are submit (slavery), submit (convert to Islam) or submit (be killed).
Charming religion.
4. Women and Law
There is nothing sadder than a woman defending Islam.  This is where the horror ofStockholm syndrome shows itself most chillingly.  Because the Koran is perfectly clear on these points:
Men are better than women:
“(Women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness, and men are a degree above them.”  Sura 2:228
Men can have many wives:
“Marry of the women, who seem good to you, two or three or four.” Sura 4:3
Women are worth half a man:
“To the male the equivalent of the portion of two females, and if there be women more than two, then theirs is two-thirds of the inheritance, and if there be one (only) then the half.” Sura 4:11
“Unto the male is the equivalent of the share of two females.” Sura 4:176
Women’s sexuality is wrong and needs to be suppressed:
“As for those of your women who are guilty of lewdness, call to witness four of you against them. And if they testify (to the truth of the allegation) then confine them to the houses until death take them.” Sura 4:15
Selling a wife is perfectly ok:
“And if ye wish to exchange one wife for another and ye have given unto one of them a sum of money (however great), take nothing from it.” Sura 40:20
By now in this piece you should be able to get an idea of how the Islamic legal system calculates the value of individual human lives.  If we put this on a table it looks like this:
Islam believes that the value of human beings can be measured
What this table means is that if a man rapes a woman then her testimony in court isn’t enough, realistically three muslim women need to come forward as witnesses to convict one muslim man of rape.  If the women were atheists, they’d need at least 17 atheist women willing to come forward as witnesses to get a rape conviction on a single muslim man.  If you’re a woman and you’re raped by a muslim in a muslim country the consequences for failing to prove a charge of rape include being stoned to death for adultery so best not to complain if you’re raped.
5. Muslim Prayer Is Sick
In Christianity one prays for other people or if praying for yourself you pray to a saint to speak to god on your behalf.  In other words, if you’re selfless or deserving the christian God theoretically will listen to your prayers.  This idea of prayer is actually almost unique to Christianity, yet christians or atheists from previous/predominantly christian societies don’t realise that christian prayer is very different to Islamic prayer.
While christians are busy thinking about other people or asking themselves if they deserve to be helped muslims are praying in a completely different manner.  Muslims are praying to God telling God how great, powerful, merciful, amazing, super-duper he is.  If you ask me the muslim God has some serious self-esteem issues if he needs constant reassurance of his omnipotence.  If I was a religious person I would be embarrassed that my God needs a pep talk about 5 times to day otherwise he’ll torture me in hell.  Psychologically this kind of prayer is deeply disturbing, don’t get me wrong, christian prayer is bad too, but muslim prayer is borderline psychotic.
Also, muslims aren’t allowed to pray with their arse facing Mecca because it might hurt their God’s feelings: hence they face Mecca to pray.  This is fine since the Koran sees the world as flat.  However, the Earth is not flat and consequently their arses, thanks to the Earth’s curve are always pointing to Mecca when they pray.  If you want to point out that the curve means they can’t point their arses to Mecca, keep in mind that means they aren’t able to face Mecca when living outside Saudi Arabia either.  So muslims fail at prayer and their God is apparently an insecure idiot.
6. Statistically Speaking: the most violent Religion
This is not a joke. This is not misinformation.  This is not a lie.  These are the statistical facts.  Thanks to www.thereligionofpeace.com for keeping a record of as many confirmed Islamic terrorist attacks as humanly possible since September 11, 2001.  Their data is not exhaustive of course because it doesn’t contain many attacks because they either weren’t reported or they include honour killings and judical killings like stoning or flogging people to death for petty crimes.  However, what this data shows is that far from being a religion of peace, no other religion inspires nearly as much violence and bloodshed than Islam.
This graph shows that not a day goes by without an islamic terrorist attack somewhere in the world.  Of course occasionally ChristiansHindus and Buddhists carry out a terrorist attack but in every recent case I’ve come across it was in response to muslim violence against them.  Even the Oslo murderer, who called himself a christian, said his actions were necessary to fight Islam.  Think of every Islamic dominated country and can you think of one of them that doesn’t have a bloody history of late?  Besides Indonesia, none of them have a stable democracy, and in the case of Indonesia it’s still a young democracy that’s frequently rocked by religious violence.
Here we have the monthly casualties from Islam.  Islamic terrorism has killed 150,000+ civilians since the World Trade Centre attack 10 years ago.  The combined number of civilian deaths resulting from the Afghan and Iraq wars is approximately 80,000.  Not all of these were killed by westerners either.  The biggest difference here is that those 80,000 deaths were all unintended deaths whereas those 150,000+ were all planned, premediated and deliberate cold-blooded attacks on civilians.  That’s the difference between accidentally dropping a loaded gun and killing someone and pointing the gun at someone and firing at them.  Both are crimes, but the latter is far more serious.
Now, I’m personally against both the war in Afghanistan and retrospectively Iraq, because the statistics show that muslims are far more interested in killing other muslims than non-muslims.  Approximately 80% of the victims of those 150,000+ murders were muslims, because they were the wrong muslims: Shi’ites, Sunnis, Sufis etc…
Islam is so violent, they kill each other more than their supposed godless enemies.  That’s not a spiritually enlightened state, that’s a suicidal and delusional state.  A lot more non-muslims would die, of course, if our police and intelligence services weren’t efficient in western countries.  In non-western countries, religious violence doesn’t appear to be taken as seriously by police.  This violence isn’t taken seriously by anyone who says Islam isn’t violent.  Also, I hope people will appreciate the violence is worse now than it used to be.
7. Terrorists Aren’t Heretics, moderate Muslims Are
By this point in time I hope you’re appreciating that the moderate muslims are just like the the moderate christians: they don’t go to church/mosque and they don’t read the Bible/Koran.  This is important, the terrorists do read the Koran and follow it faithfully, moderate muslims by being tolerant to non-muslims and women are clearly being heretics.  The website I mentioned earlier (www.muslimsagainstcrusades.com) goes into great detail as to why muslims who believe in secularism, democracy and women’s rights are disobeying Allah and the teachings of Islam.  These people are Islamic scholars, they are an authority on this subject, not the typical tax-paying peaceful middle-class muslim moderates you work with.  To accept testimony from a moderate muslim is to accept testimony on how to carry out surgery from a person only trained in first aid.
On a more sinister note: how moderate is moderate?  Wikileaks exposed a diplomatic cable that revealed a report suppressed by the UK government that indicated that over a third of UK muslims in university supported Islamic terrorism.  In Pakistan democratic andliberal muslim politicians are being murdered by their own people for not being muslim enough.  Pakistan now hires foreign mercenaries to protect their MPs because they can’t trust their own people not to assassinate them.  Even in the UK, a Pakistani muslim politician (naturalised UK) was threaten by muslims for not being muslim enough.  Like Benazir Bhutto, Baroness Warsi is a prime candidate of death by irony.
And so I conclude, Islam is dangerous, and anyone who tells you otherwise needs to read the Koran, read these statistics and reconnect with reality.  The sooner Islam is abolished the sooner we’ll have world peace and it won’t be abolished if we don’t recognise it as a problem that needs fixing.  So pull your head out of your politically correct arse and reconnect with reality: Islam is a disease, it has no place in a civilised society and it isn’t racist to say such things.
(the above excerpt was borrowed from Radio Liberty Earth. The excerpt will be removed if requested by the author in the comments below)


And lastly, entitlement. No one is entitled to anything but their own death except by constitutional law of which Obama is trying to amend only EVERYTHING. 



And on one last note when having reasonable debates (not name calling, party bashing, angry piss matches) the biggest argument I have encountered from the left regarding Romney is his 5 point plan and how people just don't understand it or have completely no clue what it involves even after Romney has basically been a broken record about it for his entire campaign. 


This is what I think a great majority of uninformed liberals (now read that correctly. I am saying uninformed liberals. Not that all liberals are uninformed) see or hear when Romney explains his 5 point plan. For the record and to clear up all misconceptions. This is Romney's 5 point plan.


ROMNEY / RYAN 5 POINT PLAN 

1. BUILDING ENERGY INDEPENDENCE
 • Increase access to domestic energy resources 
• Streamline permitting for exploration and development 
• Eliminate regulations destroying the coal industry 
• Approve the Keystone XL pipeline 

2. ENSURING AMERICANS HAVE THE SKILLS TO SUCCEED
• Give every family access to a great school and quality teachers 
• Provide access to affordable and effective higher education options 
• Focus job training programs on building valuable skills that align with opportunities 
• Attract and retain the best and the brightest from around the world 

3. OPENING MARKETS THAT WORK FOR AMERICA 
• Curtail the unfair trade practices of countries like China 
• Open new markets for American goods and services 
• Build stronger economic ties in Latin America 
• Create a Reagan Economic Zone to strengthen free enterprise around the world 

4. CUTTING THE DEFICIT 
• Immediately reduce non-security discretionary spending by five percent 
• Cap federal spending below twenty percent of the economy 
• Give states responsibility for programs that they can implement more effectively 
• Consolidate agencies and align compensation of federal workers with their private-sector counterparts 

5. CHAMPIONING SMALL BUSINESSES. 
• Reduce taxes on job creation through individual and corporate tax reform 
• Stop the increases in regulation that are tangling job creators in red tape 
• Protect workers and businesses from strong-arm labor union tactics 
• Replace Obamacare with real health care reform that controls cost and improves care

Anymore questions?

Now, regardless of whether you agree with me or are wondering if you should continue reading my blog because we have 180 degree difference in views, GO OUT AND VOTE! Your ballots are in the mailbox if not already in your hands! DO IT NOW! This country needs your participation and your patriotism!!
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