Wednesday, January 16, 2013

A Serious Post

I look at my beautiful girls and I look at their short 3 and 4 year lives and I am so thankful to have them in my life. I love every moment; the good, the bad, the ugly, the stressful, the funny and everything in between. However, I am having a hard time coming to terms with a few things.

My marriage is over. It has been for over a year now but the relationship between Mr. A and I seems to have been decimated within these last few months. Don't get me wrong, I am okay with that. He and I are really not good together. We push each other's buttons purposely, we get on each others nerves, we don't have the same beliefs on many aspects in life and in general we just think very differently. And I am okay with that.

What I am having a hard time coming to terms with is all the in between stuff I feel like I missed out on. I feel like I missed out on dating. I was with Mr. A for going on 13 years, since I was 15 years old. I NEVER dated anyone else. I never went out with anyone else. I never allowed myself options.

I deprived myself of a spontaneous engagement because I wanted it so badly. Soooo badly that at times I wonder if I didn't actually force Mr. A to ask me to marry him.

I didn't have a traditional wedding. I didn't get to pick out dresses or flowers or cake or anything really. I said my vows in a courthouse as soon as we returned from Mexico because his VISA required that we get married in a certain time frame.

When I got pregnant for the first time and lost the baby I didn't allow him to be a part of my pain and maybe for that reason when I became pregnant with Sassy he didn't really want to have much to do with my growing belly or the baby inside. I remember one very sad and rainy day we had a fight and he even told me he would leave me and my baby to go back to Mexico because I was so intolerable.

I missed a lot of my marriage, missed the opportunity to make it a good marriage because I harbored so much pain and bitterness and resentment toward my husband. I resented him to begin with and then he chose to be in Mexico when it was time for Sassy's birth. That sealed the deal on my absolute inward and secret loathing of him. He wanted to be at his brother's wedding (his brother had been with the same woman for over 25 years with 6 children and was just making it official) instead of here at home with me while I gave birth.

When Sassy was 4 months old I found out I was pregnant with Breezy. Mr. A wanted to be more a part of this pregnancy but by now he was so deep in the trenches of my resentment that I wouldn't allow him to be. I invited my mom to all my ultrasounds and when it came time for her birth I told him he wasn't allowed in the room. I wanted him to stay with Sassy.

Aside from Mr. A during my pregnancies I have a hard time coming to terms with my size. With Sassy I grew to a whopping 374lbs and with Breezy 356lbs. I feel like I deprived myself of a happy, healthy, enjoyable pregnancy because of my size and now I don't know if I will ever have any more babies. I would love to have more but first I would need to implement EVERYTHING I MISSED.

MEET SOMEONE GOOD FOR ME
HAVE HIM ASK ME TO MARRY HIM
MARRY HIM
AND THEN AND ONLY THEN WOULD I BE ABLE TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY

And in order for the dream to be complete I would need to be at goal weight and healthy.

So, here I sit, desperately praying that I am given the strength to learn control with food. That my desire for health and wellness outweighs my immediate need for comfort and gratification.

I hope one day I meet someone who I love and who loves me. Someone I compliment and someone who compliments me. Someone who understands me, shares my beliefs, understands or at least is okay with my quirks and someone I will not grow to resent. Is he out there? I don't know.

I do know that I am not okay right now though,

I am not okay being almost 30 years old with two daughters and I have never been on a REAL DATE. I have never been asked out. I have never been properly proposed to. I haven't worn white or even cream. I haven't walked down the aisle. I haven't gazed into the man I love's eyes and thought THIS IS RIGHT. I haven't ever experienced a truly joyful moment while pregnant (or even after pregnancy) WITH THE MAN WHO IS ALSO A PARENT TO MY CHILD. I have never experienced the birth of my child with the man who is also my child's parent. And I have never experienced true health. Fit, self controlled, strong, HEALTH. I want to experience these things. I want to experience it all. I don't want anything to hold me back anymore.

I will strive to achieve those things.

Someday

For fitness and wellness, THE TIME IS NOW. The rest will come in God's time if it is His will.


3 comments :

  1. Its never to late to start over. Remember that. You still have your whole life a head of you. Concentrate on you and your goals and your beautiful little girls.

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  2. Concentrate on the things that are under your control. Having a man in your life is not one of them but it could very well happen but you can't be consumed with this. I am visiting because you are a new follower on my blog and after reading this post I want to be a part of your recovery and your happiness. First things first - lose your weight and get healthy. You and your girls should be in Church on Sunday and become active in the activities there. You want your girls to make good friends and while there are no guarantees, your chances are better there for this. We all have regrets. Mine are very similar to some of yours. All you can do is learn from them. You might start journaling so that you can express your thoughts there. Sometimes we just need to get it out. Blogging will also help because the people here are very supportive and share many of your same challenges. I will be looking forward to reading about the positive things that are coming your way. Take care.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I answered you over at my place. I guess you found the link to my political blog "Of Pounds and Politics". Go back and I think there is a subscribe button when you move your mouse to the top and right of the page. Let me know if this does not work but I think that is how you do it.

    ReplyDelete

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