What I am having a hard time coming to terms with is all the in between stuff I feel like I missed out on. I feel like I missed out on dating. I was with Mr. A for going on 13 years, since I was 15 years old. I NEVER dated anyone else. I never went out with anyone else. I never allowed myself options.
I deprived myself of a spontaneous engagement because I wanted it so badly. Soooo badly that at times I wonder if I didn't actually force Mr. A to ask me to marry him.
I didn't have a traditional wedding. I didn't get to pick out dresses or flowers or cake or anything really. I said my vows in a courthouse as soon as we returned from Mexico because his VISA required that we get married in a certain time frame.
When I got pregnant for the first time and lost the baby I didn't allow him to be a part of my pain and maybe for that reason when I became pregnant with Sassy he didn't really want to have much to do with my growing belly or the baby inside. I remember one very sad and rainy day we had a fight and he even told me he would leave me and my baby to go back to Mexico because I was so intolerable.
I missed a lot of my marriage, missed the opportunity to make it a good marriage because I harbored so much pain and bitterness and resentment toward my husband. I resented him to begin with and then he chose to be in Mexico when it was time for Sassy's birth. That sealed the deal on my absolute inward and secret loathing of him. He wanted to be at his brother's wedding (his brother had been with the same woman for over 25 years with 6 children and was just making it official) instead of here at home with me while I gave birth.
When Sassy was 4 months old I found out I was pregnant with Breezy. Mr. A wanted to be more a part of this pregnancy but by now he was so deep in the trenches of my resentment that I wouldn't allow him to be. I invited my mom to all my ultrasounds and when it came time for her birth I told him he wasn't allowed in the room. I wanted him to stay with Sassy.
Aside from Mr. A during my pregnancies I have a hard time coming to terms with my size. With Sassy I grew to a whopping 374lbs and with Breezy 356lbs. I feel like I deprived myself of a happy, healthy, enjoyable pregnancy because of my size and now I don't know if I will ever have any more babies. I would love to have more but first I would need to implement EVERYTHING I MISSED.
MEET SOMEONE GOOD FOR ME
HAVE HIM ASK ME TO MARRY HIM
AND THEN AND ONLY THEN WOULD I BE ABLE TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY
And in order for the dream to be complete I would need to be at goal weight and healthy.
So, here I sit, desperately praying that I am given the strength to learn control with food. That my desire for health and wellness outweighs my immediate need for comfort and gratification.
I hope one day I meet someone who I love and who loves me. Someone I compliment and someone who compliments me. Someone who understands me, shares my beliefs, understands or at least is okay with my quirks and someone I will not grow to resent. Is he out there? I don't know.
I do know that I am not okay right now though,
I will strive to achieve those things.
For fitness and wellness, THE TIME IS NOW. The rest will come in God's time if it is His will.