Saturday, January 19, 2013

Does Being Assaulted Count as Exercise?


This is how my morning went.

I woke up at 8, rolled over as I listened to Sassy and Breezy play and closed my eyes for another hour. Very strange dreams plagued me including watching a small hamster get shoved in a crack of the street and trying to save it before any cars could roll over him. Yeah, don't ask because I just don't know.

When I did wake up I went potty, caved to the urge to step on the scale, felt mildly encouraged. I fed the cats who when they finished immediately started yowling for more and I couldn't help noting the parallel between their want for more and my want for more food in my life and wishing I had 'a human' who knew how much was too much for me.

I then waited for my grandma to come over. She Zumbas with me every other day and brings me coffee and we sip our caffeinated beverages while hashing out our family problems, our HOA problems (my grandfather is the president of the HOA) our city problems and our country's problems. Then we pull on our dance shoes and Zumba our hearts out.

Today however, my grandma spilled her coffee on herself on the way into my house. The girls would not leave her alone while we attempted to chit chat and finally we gave up and did our Zumba to which she kept exclaiming that she was going to die. Yeah.

Then we went and sat down and chit-chatted a bit more. I made myself a 1egg and 2 extra egg white sandwhich with laughing cow cheese while Breezy shoved her iPad in my grandma's face trying to get her to 'eat' the cake she had made her as well as bringing plastic fruit for her to munch on and finally bringing out her herd of horses for my grandma to play with.

Finally my grandma exclaimed that she had to go clean her shower and left. That is when my mom woke up, came out of her room and my children bombarded her while I did dishes and listened to the cats yowl for me to feed them which I absolutely did not. Mr. Pierce already has a rotund man skirt and poor Memma looks like a lopsided bowling pin. Poor baby.

My mom eventually also went into her room to clean her shower (I guess today is national clean your shower day, and I will not take part in that) and my girls hatched their plan to absolutely assault and abuse me.

Can you imagine these little angels attacking and abusing their mother?

Yeah, me too

It all started when I told them I would do leg presses with them. I lay on my back put my feet to their chest and hold their hands while lifting them into the air and pumping my legs up and down. It is a great workout and it absolutely elates them. They feel like they're flying. But when I was done and could do no more they both attacked me. Pulling my shirt up my back, sticking their own heads underneath it. Sassy rolled around in my lap while Breezy did some kind of bicycle move on my butt that made Sassy exclaim with hilarity, "mommy your boobies are moving!" While I sat in butterfly position (knees out and feet together) they climbed all over my back and head and pulled and pushed and patted and kicked (not too hard - although there were definitely some firm warnings about things getting too rough) Then Sassy got a new idea. Yanked my head that had been hanging down onto my feet (because I am that flexible) by my hair and said I'm going to massage your eyes mama and unceremoniously jammed her thumbs into both my eyes. After recovering from the shock I explained to her that what she did hurts and told her she could massage my temples or my cheek bones or my jaw or my chin but not my eyes. She did for a few minutes laughing as she stuck her fingers in my mouth and yanked my lips in different directions and then tried to squish my cheekbones into one distorted mess of a face. Then she up and disappeared only to reappear with my Aveeno lotion. She went behind me, flipped up my shirt and the shock of a million ice cubes hit my back as she poured the Aveeno all over my skin. "I'm going to be your masseuse mommy," she told me and I nodded my head reluctantly. Then Breezy wanted to be a masseuse too and the gentle hands of Sassy were replaced by the fists and knuckles and slaps of my oh so very gentle (ahem) younger child.

Now, as I sit here typing my feet are sore, my legs are sore, my gut is sore (from the workout I am sure) my shoulders are sore, my spine is sore, my face is sore. HELL MY HAIR FOLLICLES ARE SORE.

Do you think all that exertion and self defense and deflection of injury from small bony children counts as exercise? I would say that it does.

Lunch was minestrone and saltines.

Snack was 2 egg rolls.

Dinner will be a Lean Cuisine or Smart Ones and snack will be a Fiber One brownie and I will end the day just under 1500 calories.

On another note Mr. A is acting so strange. One minute he acts as though he can't stand me. The next minute he is sending prayers through text messages to God to protect his family (me and the girls) and then he's mad again for one thing or another and then he's acting all sweet and caring and then it changes again. I'm so very confused.

What I am not confused about is that he has been texting/sending photos to a girl he used to work with. This was the girl who called me a bunch of stuff before we were divorced, who helped him pick his lawyer and file is paperwork when we were divorcing and the woman who he went to after our divorce for consolation. I am not okay with that, so if that is who and what he wants then he is welcome to pursue that but he has to know that I will not be here waiting for him when he decides he doesn't love/like her, when he decides he wants to 'try' again, when he decides 'his family is more important' or any of the other shit he has pulled in the past. And yes, his past is littered with women who either used him, or who he used to make me jealous or to be vengeful with me. I'm not his wife anymore and I don't have to take it. I didn't have to take it when I was his wife either but at the time I felt like I needed to try and understand his position and why he did things. NOT ANY MORE.

And NOW...

I'm bored.

Off to find something to occupy my time.

Until later

1 comment :

  1. Exes can be strange creatures. Mine wept, wailed, and moaned about the divorce, how he was losing his children, etc. That's the same genius who missed more than 50% of his visitation, then moved out of state and has called the boys *drumroll please*.... once.

    Since 2010.

    The mind boggles, m'dear. From what I've read -- and I've skimmed back a few posts -- you've got a good grip on this thing. You're going to be just fine, and so are your girls :)


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