Monday, January 28, 2013

Sitting With the Love of My LifeEnemy

He's here.

Mr. A.

He's sitting on my couch with his arms crossed.

Indifferent

Every once in a while he turns to download iPad games that cost a fortune for my 3 and 4 year olds.

He has been here for an hour

And he has spoken less than 5 words to me.

He has taken off his 'until infinity' ring I gave him.

The one he swore never to take off.

Until Infinity and Back is what we promised. 

To love each other regardless of circumstance.

But I'm okay with that.

At first I felt hurt, but then I remembered he told me he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.

Okay.

I will be okay.

My definition of infinity is different than his.

Endless.

I do still love him.

I will always love him. 

He was my first love.

My only love so far in my life.

He was my everything.

(( deep breath ))

I am strong and I can handle this

Infinity for him is conditional

The exact thing he accuses me of being

I don't think he grasps the definition of unconditional

Regardless, here I am

Writing because he won't talk to me

No civil conversation even

Just, 'what was my iTunes password?'

And yes, those were the 5 words he spoke to me

I miss what we had

I don't want who he is

He has changed

I miss who he was

But I am not sure that person exists any longer

Oh well

Life goes on right?

I have a new healthy life style with weight loss and a new body to look forward to

I have two beautiful, wonderful little girls who make me want to pull out my hair but in the end are the reason I wake up every morning and the reason my lungs have breath

I will be okay

Mostly because God is with me

He understands my pain

He walks me through my trials

Like in the Footprint's poem.


But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life 
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. 
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, 
“ The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, 
my child, is when I carried you.”


I particularly like the add on

And that long line in the sand before I carried you was when I dragged you.

I do not feel as though I am being dragged

I do not feel that I need to be carried

I can do this with Jesus at my side, step by step the rest of the way in this life

I can




4 comments :

  1. You WILL be okay because you are strong. And you deserve a man who loves you equally as much as you love him. Everyone deserves that. There's always rain before a rainbow and this rain is leading you to your ultimate rainbow...there is a plan. I know this for sure. xoxo

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  2. Honey, what to say? I can't really comment b/c I don't know the full story, but I'm sorry for the hurt I read in your words. The silver lining is that through the hurt I can still see the hope for the future, whether it involves that person or not, at least your spirit isn't broken. Sending hugs your way.

    ReplyDelete
  3. He is a jerk face and you KNOW that! Meh I wish sometimes that could grab people and make them look at things from a different point of view. If you have been reading my blog off and on for years and you read the stuff that you have written about him and you- your relationship stuff ( thinking I wrote it) What would you tell me?

    ReplyDelete

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