Sunday, January 20, 2013

What Mommy's Do After Kiddos go to Bed

I really like love enjoy tolerate hate abhor THINK parenting is _____________ ...

I really THINK parenting is AN EXPERIENCE.

It is not for the unsound mind, the faint of heart, the nervous, the perfectionist, the clean freak, the germ-o-phobe, the impatient, the easily angered or frustrated, the narcissist (oops, that's me) the religiously prompt, the extremely well kept or for anyone with sensitive sensibilities.

When I was little all I wanted to be was a wife and mommy.

Well, if you have read this blog at all you know how my marriage ended up and how I feel about my ex (sort of).

But I really thought that being a mommy was all about hugs and cuddles and soft baby skin and sweet open mouthed baby kisses and squishy little bodies and that perfect sweet smell that only babies have. I thought it was all sparkles and rainbows and frolicking through the tulips while the sun beat a warm glow on your face.

Instead ... being a parent is just plain not.what.I.described.above.at.frickin.all.

There are times when parenting is sweet hugs and kind words and cuddles and sincere I love yous and sitting outside in the warmth of the sun (only in the summer up here in the PNW) and just wonderful success.

Other times in one long drawn out blur from the moment they roll out of bed it's, MOMMY SHE STOLE MY TOY! MOMMY I STEPPED ON A LEGGO AND I'M BLEEDING (and of course from the blood curdling scream and the fact that small child is writhing around on the floor when you check you expect to see a gushing gash but all you really see is a speckled indentation) Then of course there is, MOMMY I'M HUNGRY! MOMMY I DON'T LIKE THAT! MOMMY I WANT CHOCOLATE/PEANUT BUTTER/COOKIES (or what have you) FOR BREAKFAST!

MOMMY SHE STOLE MY TOY AGAIN! MOMMY SHE CHANGED THE CHANNEL! MOMMY SHE HIT ME! MOMMY SHE KICKED ME! MOMMY SHE'S SUFFOCATING THE CAT! MOMMY EMMA POOPED ON THE CARPET! MOMMY I SPILLED MY DRINK ALL OVER MYSELF! MOMMY I SPILLED MY DRINK ALL OVER YOUR FAVORITE PILLOW TOO!

MOMMY MY BELLY HURTS! MOMMY I THINK I HAVE A BOOGER! (When you tell them to go get a tissue they come to you with the friggin biggest booger you have ever seen hanging off their index finger and THEY WANT YOU TO TAKE IT!!) MOMMY LOOK AT THIS! (YUCK!) AND LOOK AT THIS! WATCH THIS! MOMMY, YOU'RE NOT WATCHING! WATCH! (as they spin in circles and all you can foresee is them crashing into something when they get too dizzy and of course they do and then they cry but that doesn't stop the questions from the other child.)

MOMMY WHY IS THE SKY BLUE? WHY IS NANA MY NANA? WHO IS YOUR MOMMY? WHO IS NANA'S MOMMY? WHO IS YOUR BROTHER? WHY DON'T I HAVE A BROTHER? WHERE IS THE MOON? WHY IS IT ROUND? DOES POOP COME OUT YOUR BUTT? WHY DOES DADDY HAVE HAIR ON HIS BUTT? DO YOU HAVE HAIR ON YOUR BUTT? YOU DON'T HAVE HAIR ON YOUR BUTT BECAUSE DADDY'S BUTT IS SMALL AND YOUR BUTT IS SOOOOOOOOO BIG! WHY IS YOUR BUTT BIG MOMMY?

And come evening: MOMMY I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SLEEP! MOMMY, I'M THIRSTY! MOMMY, I HAVE TO GO POTTY! I'M THIRSTY AGAIN! I'M NOT COMFORTABLE! MY SISTER'S MAKING TOO MUCH NOISE! I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP! I'M HUNGRY! MOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

But the best one ever is MOMMY I HAVE TO GO TO THE POTTY! (When mommy has just sat down to relax for a moment of peace on the potty)

That doesn't even begin to cover the temper tantrums.

Breezy throws your pretty average temper tantrum. She asks for something and the answer is no, she juts out her bottom lip and the tears well up and she cries. I allow a few moments of crying and then she gets to go to time out to think about why mommy has said no, and why she thinks crying will help and how it won't. That is usually that and she finds herself doing something else...

Sassy on the other hand turns into a friggin gremlin!!










Same scenario, she asks for something and the answer is no. There is no jutting lip, there is no welling of tears. She hits the ground running screaming as loud as she can WHYYYYYYYYY NOTTTTTTT MOMMMMMMMMMM??? I say Sassy we don't yell. She repeats her request as though the answer might change now and once again the answer is no. She picks up whatever is around her or if I am unfortunate enough for her to already be holding something I better move out of the way because it is going to fly. And I say, Sassy we NEVER throw things, let alone when we are angry. At this point she looks me straight in the eye and lets out the most blood curdling, eardrum piercing, skin crawling scream you can imagine. And without missing a beat I generally send her to her room but sending her isn't enough. Because if she decides to stop screaming she will just stare at me vacantly as though she hears nothing I am saying or telling her to do. At one point I thought maybe there was something not clicking upstairs in her head but a couple of times, trying to prove or disprove my theory, I gave in to what she wanted and she turned right around and gradually became happy again. But if I don't cave and I hold my ground, there is no helping me. I have to pick her up kicking and screaming and growling like a wounded lioness, take her to her room where she proceeds to tell me what a bad mommy I am, how she doesn't like me, how I don't think she's a good person and so on and so forth. To which I respond that she doesn't have to like me but I love her and I do think she's a good person but I don't like how she is behaving right now. I try to explain what she did, why it was wrong and what behavior I do expect and that is when the tears well up but
GOD FORBID I TRY AND TOUCH HER OR HUG HER OR COMFORT HER BECAUSE ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE AND THE CYCLE WITH THE GREMLIN WILL START ALL OVER AGAIN! So I have to wait until she is calm and pray she doesn't work herself into hyperventilation. Then, and only then will she allow me to hug her and usually she becomes rigid like a wooden board to begin with because apparently she must show me that she is as angry with me as I was with her.




AND ALL THAT IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG BUT YOU CATCH MY DRIFT. So, as you can imagine I really cherish my alone time after the girls go to sleep. Sometimes I watch my TV shows with my mom. Sometimes I watch them alone. Sometimes I exercise if I haven't exercised twice already and sometimes I just chill and blog. And on the rare occasion if I am feeling particularly drained and I have missed one, I SHOWER. (((gasp)))

Here is another little tidbit about being a parent but specifically a mom. Showers are no longer a priority but a luxury (unless you have a husband who will watch your heathens children while you bathe. AND IF YOU ARE BLESSED ENOUGH, NEVER EVER EVER LET HIM GO!) That being said, and since you know I do not have a husband, I do not have anyone to watch my spawn little angels while I shower. Thus my showers are always fast and furious. No time to shave my legs really and barely enough time to shave the pits and condition the hair. What am I saying? I rarely condition my hair because not only do I not have enough time but I only wash my hair twice maybe thrice a week due to it being extremely dense, thick, unruly and obnoxiously curly.

But tomorrow is church and a double family birthday party afterward so tonight I showered and I did my do. (do? or due? dew? Yeah, I dunno) And this is how it went. What do you think?


SO BASICALLY IT WENT FROM
THIS                             TO                            THIS


TO THIS

And now I have spent waaayyyy too much time on here and my me time is actually cutting into my sleep time and I have to get up in 6ish hours to get ready for church. So this Mama is going to bed.


I selected this post to be featured on Blog Nation. Please visit the site and vote for my blog!

8 comments :

  1. That too funny! BTW It gets better.

    ReplyDelete
  2. It does get better. But every age has it's challenges. You will reach a point where you will look back and smile about all this. Honest. I remember feeling like you do but time passes and they grow up. Just hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ahhh the days of kids at home. In my case I now have the grandkids underfoot.

    ReplyDelete
  4. My 4 year old is a combo of the two of yours. Sometimes it is the bottom lip and cry. Others it is the yell and the Your not my friend anymore. Kids Gotta love them!

    ReplyDelete
  5. very true & very well written. I csn relate.
    Z

    ReplyDelete
  6. I have 4 kids - ages 9, 8, 5-1/2, 3-1/2. The others are liars... it does NOT get better! ROFLOL I was telling my husband the other day that I cried because I couldn't have kids and now parenting is NOT what I ever imagined and I cry sometimes because I DO have kids. Lol But I love them... but I don't like them. Does that make sense? Haha Anyway, I love, love, love, love reading this stuff because it makes me realize my life is basically normal for a mother. WHEW. Parenting STINKS 98% of the time in my opinion. I want grandkids now, please. Lol

    ReplyDelete
  7. You all crack me up! And honestly, I've watched a lot of kids in my family grow up and Staci has it right when she says it does not get better... then again, maybe I'll be lucky... HEY ONE CAN PRAY FOR MIRACES!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. And my uterus just ran, screaming, from my body...

    LOL. God Bless all you mommies! I admire you all.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...