Thursday, January 24, 2013

Writing Instead of Eating - RANT/VENT

I am really not sure why I am so upset about Mr. A.

I run it through my head and when I break it down, no individual aspect of my circumstances bother me.

I will call the girls he talks to by the first letters of their names.

I was shocked when I found out he was talking to D again. She is a woman who he met when he was a customer in a restaurant she worked at. Apparently they became chummy during a time he and I were not speaking. I was shocked though because he had promised me long ago that not only would he never talk to her again but that he didn't want to because she was extremely aggressive and pushy even though both he and she were married which made him uncomfortable. Not only that he said he had deleted her number. So, while I was shocked and initially furious, I quickly realized it was a hasty reaction and I really don't care much that they are 'talking'.

He has also been talking to a girl that he works with who we will call Y. He is very hypocritical about her. One minute he says she is a horrible person who gossips and lies and is lazy and that he doesn't like to associate with those kinds of people, but the moment he and I get on bad terms, there he is texting and talking to her again. This doesn't really bother me either. It irritates me to no end that he is so two-faced but I am not jealous of her.

There is A who I am sure is just a friend. She is significantly older than him and while I know that doesn't mean much, I just don't really care about their friendship and though I don't put it past him to make it more, I doubt he would.

Then there is J who I really really cannot stand. She was there as a 'really good' friend for him when we were going through tough times in our marriage. He basically confided everything in her and made me looks like Satan's mistress. She then assisted him in searching out and finding an attorney, helped him with paperwork, texted and called him daily and after our divorce was his 'go to' girl for consolation whenever we would fight. I don't know why I don't like her. Maybe it is because he has always seemed to like her TOO MUCH. Or maybe it is my own insecurities. I am not sure.

He has demonized me with everyone he works with. He has demonized me to his family. If you could believe something into existence they all would have horns popping through my skull calling me the evil one. And maybe that is why I am upset. I AM NOT EVIL. I simply will not cow tow to unreasonable requests by my ex-husband.

Would any of you accept the following situations?

  • At one point your ex and you were having a sexual relationship. You then went on vacation that was proceeded by a surgery that took a couple months to heal. In that time frame your ex borrowed upwards of $1200 from your family. He repaid $400 with a promise to pay it back by XX date. He then asks you to go to a hotel for sex (obviously). You don't want to go to the hotel. You don't want sex. He IS YOUR EX. But in order to keep peace and not anger him so that you actually have a chance at seeing the last $400 you tell him that you don't feel comfortable spending hundreds of dollars on a hotel when he owes your family money and that hotel money could go to them. He blows a gasket! Absolutely blows a gasket and says your love for him is conditional and that he doesn't know when he can pay your family anymore. WOULD YOU SUBMIT TO HIS REQUEST?
I SURE AS HELL WON'T. Does that make me evil? NO! Next scenario:
  • You are divorced from your ex husband due to not only financial stress but religious differences, moral differences, and most importantly domestic violence. In your divorce he is court ordered to have 5 hours a week supervised visitation by a third party company. He does that for a few weeks. Decides he doesn't like it. No one can force him to go and I think it is wrong to stop all visitation when the children like to see their dad. So, you try to be understanding and allow him his time with you as supervisor of the visits. It goes fine for a while but then months later he begins to push and beg and threaten for more time with his kids and then more physical contact with you. (sex) You deny his request. After several months he gets mad that you aren't letting him take an extra mile even though you allowed him an inch so he goes back to third party supervised visits where he finished the 4 months he was court ordered to but does not try to amend the parenting plan like he is supposed to. Instead he assumes you will be allowing him to see his children, supervised by you again. You allow that, not wanting to go back to court. Several months pass and again he pushes and begs and threatens and tries to shame you as a mother into giving him more time with his girls only now he wants you to move out of your custom made apartment (made by the person most special to you in the world) and move in with him into a 2 bedroom apartment in a different state. You tell him no and it continues  on and off for months where he reiterates his wants and you deny them and he stops speaking to you but then comes back weeks or days later with how much he loves you and your children. And the cycle is literally never ending. WOULD YOU SUBMIT TO HIS REQUEST TO MOVE IN WITH HIM?
I SURE AS HELL WON'T. And again that does not make me evil. It makes me a good mom looking out for my children and their very best interest.

As I write these things more and more reasons are surfacing in my mind as to why I don't want to be with him. Why I divorced him and it is helping me see a little clearer and stress a little less.
  • He always compared me to his exes
  • When he got really mad at me he would use my weight against me and call me lazy
  • From being boyfriend and girlfriend to even the first year of our marriage before Sassy was born when he would get mad at me he would tell me I was intolerable and that he was going back to Mexico.
One time in particular, it was his day off. We were going to breakfast. I had just miscarried my first baby several months earlier and was probably about 3 months pregnant with sassy. He and I were going to breakfast and I don't remember what started the fight, what the fight was about or how it eventually ended. All I know is in the midst of it all he told me that he would go home in that moment, pack his bags and leave for Mexico and neither I or his unborn child would ever see him again.

In hindsight I should have told him to go.
  • When I was too young to really understand what an 'illegal alien' or 'undocumented immigrant' was he was bringing his nephew to the US that way. Little did I know that he would proceed to bring two more and one brother who he would insist live with us in a two bedroom apartment for the first year and a half of our marriage. He doesn't know it, but I reported it many times. Half out of fear and half out of spite. I had told him I didn't want his teenage nephews or mentally unstable brother living with us and he didn't care what I wanted. It was his way or the highway. But I didn't want to be associated with that kind of stuff from the beginning, but especially when I became pregnant.
  • He still does things the convenient way, instead of the legal way and often when I have reminded him of this he flippantly tells me, 'everything is illegal in America'.

I think with that, I am finally okay to say I feel better. The need to eat my feelings has passed and I am suddenly exhausted. If you read all that, I award you the badge of MOST PATIENCE with a blogger working through their crap.


Goodnight friends.

2 comments :

  1. ~~hugs~~

    Sounds like you needed to work through some of this in your head to realize that you are a strong woman and that you don't need to put up with disrespect!

    You have this girl!

    ReplyDelete

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