Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Cat Fight - Cookies Anyone?

Today was good. 

Much better than I anticipated.

Except Sassy got a sore throat

Breezy's ears hurt her

I developed a massive migraine

And I ate too many cookies
(I did stay within calories though)

Yesterday my mother (Lord bless her soul!) brought these home because 
'she couldn't help herself'

If you somehow do not know what these are they are 

Girl Scout cookies

Want a better view?

Girl Scout cookies UNBOXED
(Like Girls Gone Wild, Cookie Edition)

I shed a tear at the beauty

Then I shed a tear for my sanity

Then I shed a tear because I knew I wasn't going to eat them all in one sitting

And yet another tear because I thought I could eat 1 serving without going ape shit

The KING of the Pure Evil-NESS!

The chocolatey, caramely, coconutty



Yeah, so I ate too many. 

I mean a serving of the Samoas are 2. 2. 2.2 

No matter how big or small that number gets it seems 
unfathomable that ANYONE COULD EAT JUST 2.

 I also had a couple Thin Mints
A peanut butter patty
A couple Short breads
And a few Savannah Smiles which are tiny little lemon cookies covered in powdered sugar
They made me smile
Then frown
Then grimace
Then feel like I was going to hurl



The reason the title of this post is CAT FIGHT is because that is what I got into
Basically a verbal bitch fest with a girl who was getting just a little too close to my WHATEVER HE IS
(Mr. A)

Does anyone else feel threatened by other women regardless of if you have a husband or boyfriend or girlfriend or wife depending on your life...


I see thinner women (note: not prettier, just thinner) as such a threat.

And not even when I am with Mr. A

I see them almost as a personal threat.

Or like a personal jab.

I don't know.

I have all these conflicting emotions when I see women smaller than me 
(and around my age or younger). 

Jealousy, anger, sadness, rage, envy... and it all boils down to insecurity
(and perhaps immaturity?)

But where is the basis of my insecurity

Is it all in my weight?

Because if it isn't (and I highly suspect it isn't


And in all reality, I am not sure that the girl 
(it was not my imagination)
(No really, I swear)
(Girl Scout's honor?)
(Oh wait, I wasn't a girl scout)
(Never mind) 
So I don't know if she actually deserved the verbal smack down I gave her

 ^^I wonder if I looked similar to this ^^

Then again, she's married. 

Shouldn't she be attending to her own husband and not flirting and BSing with mine 
(even though he isn't my husband anymore)

And I'll end things here to clarify the 
'not my husband anymore but still acting like we are together'

First off, 
I don't keep explaining that he isn't my husband 
because I feel any strange remorse in mentioning him as if he were. 
I constantly reiterate that he isn't my husband because he isn't 
and I don't have another word to call him that actually fits his status. 
He isn't my boyfriend either. 
Once you have been married that seems too tame a term. 
He isn't my lover, even though he was and is. 
((I know confusing)) 
I just don't have a good word to call him. 
Husband seems right, but it isn't technically right.


We ARE together.
As together as any two people can be emotionally
(I know Mrs. Swan, you're cringing but it is the truth)
I love him 
(even though I am often told I shouldn't)
The only thing that separates us are legal documents
We were married
We aren't now
And there WAS good reason for the termination
But not because I wanted him gone
Not because I 'left him' for THIS ONE SPECIFIC REASON 
or 'he left me' (at all)
There was good reason for the termination of the legality of the relationship
But I still feel like his wife, so I am
He still feels like my husband, so he is
We are still a couple
We still have our children
We still believe in monogamy
We still are Christians
We still believe that being with someone else would not be good in God's eyes
Which is also why we are together
It is not a misconstruing of the Bible where it says, what God puts together may Man not pull apart 
(that is obviously not the correct wording but I don't have a Bible handy)
It is simply our way of taking a bad situation
And trying to make it better

A good metaphor is a broken vase
It falls, shatters, and will never be the same
Many would chuck it and go buy another one
But we chose to pick up the pieces and glue it back together
It still functions the same
It is still beautiful
It just isn't the way it was

And I know a bunch of readers might be shaking their heads 
thinking something is wrong with me, 
or him 
or both of us. 
But this is our life. 
We are living it as well as we know how with the resources and knowledge we have. 
Tomorrow is another day but we don't know when tomorrow may not come. 
All we have is right now. 
So we are making the best of it.



  1. For your sake, I hope that someday you are able to move on. It really appears that he has. I know a man that was married for 10 years. He laments the loss of his marriage in nearly every conversation we have had. He never remarried. He never dated anyone else after his divorce. He has been divorced from his ex the exact same number of years that you are old. I didn't mean to, but I offended him very deeply. We used to meet for lunch once a week. Our conversation would always eventually end up with him going over the demise of his marriage. I told him...it's been 28 years! Get over it! Quit living in the past! It's like you have a scab that you pick till it bleeds everyday. You never let it heal.

    I know his circumstances are different from yours. I just know that it isn't mentally healthy to spend each day playing the "what if" game. He has wasted nearly half of his adult life stuck in the "what if" with his divorce. If I were your parent, I'd buy you roller derby skates and all the safety equipment that goes with it. You need to release the aggression you are holding back. JMHO. I have two daughters of my own and see firsthand with one what being stuck in a bad relationship is doing to her self esteem. For that one...she lives in a self imposed prison. It's very sad to watch. She would rather be in a bad relationship than no relationship at all. The other daughter is on a roller derby team and loving life.

  2. I brought 4 boxes of girl scout cookies home yesterday. 2 of them are cookies that I'm not particularly fond of. The two boxes of cookies that I personally like went straight into the freezer. I'll pull them out at another date...one when I"m not starving with hunger like I am when I get home from zumba.....at that time I will repackage them in individual baggies to be pulled out of the freezer in individual servings!

  3. I don't know Marc....but he's a wise man. I would listen to him, if I were you. Life is so short. And it's not healthy for your girls to be in such limbo. It has to be confusing for them. And what are you teaching them about relationships? It's all very confusing to the outside because it IS confusing. True it is your life, but sometimes when people say a duck is a duck, you have to realize it is a duck, you know? Of course it will be in your own time; we are just trying to spare you the time to get there.

    Re the cookies; I disagree with MaryFran, but that's because I realize kryptonite food. I used to be that way, and although I agree some dangerous food can be handled in small doses, one never knows if it can be controlled, and for that reason they have lost their power over me, because for once I'm putting myself first, acknowledging the brain chemistry changes that I can't always control, and therefore finally being ok with no longer wanting them because they are unhealthy. It no longer even feels like denial. But that's just me.

  4. Gilrl Scout cookies are the worst! I ate my one box of samoas in two days. They're too good to have around ;o)

    Sounds like a tough situation with Mr A. I see you get a lot of feedback here on it. You have to do what's best for you and more importantly those two cuties of yours. If that's staying with Mr A and doing the hard to be in a healthy, supportive relationship, then fantastic! If that means closing the relationship door and learning how to co-parent platonically then that's ok too. Praying for you!

  5. ::cringe, cringe:: (LOL)

    I have been reading your blog for a few years now through the various reincarnations. I remember the hurt and the petty game playing he would put you through. I think there might have even been some this year already right? The throwing of other WOMEN into into your face that they are after him. I totally see your point on your shtuffs but the games tell me he isn't as into you as you are him. I hope I don't offend you but that is what my outside of your life eyeballs see.

    You are an emotional eater if I am not mistaken. I don't see you ever losing weight while he is in your life constantly. :/ I hate to be a debbie downer but I know you want honesty.

    I will still read you and support *you* though. :)

    Your life and your lessons to learn and choices to make. If my first ever boyfriend and I had gotten married I could see being in a relationship like you are. I am so grateful that he didn't want me as a wife though.


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