Saturday, February 16, 2013

HARSH REALITY

*This post contains no pictures

*This post contains profanity
*This post was not written for criticism but accountability 


ARE YOU READY TO BE AS DISAPPOINTED IN ME AS I AM IN MYSELF?

I'm sitting here on my sofa listening to old episodes of The Amazing race while I write this and I feel like absolute crap. No, it isn't because I am getting sick. I am pretty sure that ship has sailed and I avoided catching whatever it was that everyone else got by the skin of my teeth. 

No, when I say I feel like crap it is because that is what I have been filling my body with. 

I contemplated and even started writing a post that I thought I would write and publish later when I had 'fixed' everything. This is what I wrote:
I am beginning this post on Friday February 15th. I suppose it is a confessional of sorts because it seems that every time I write a motivational post about eating well and aha moments I seem to cave to a weakness that ends up in some sort of binge. Maybe I need to stick to reading motivating posts and not writing them.

In any case, Wednesday turned into a binge day. Thursday was a bad day in all areas after my motivational post about the aha moment. I fell face first into anything that was edible. It was horrible. Today is Friday and what was a fantastic breakfast and lunch day suddenly turned into another binge day when my grandmother announced she was making my favorite dinner (of which I had initially planned to not partake of because it had started out as a different meal she was serving) I guess the stress and over thinking it all got to me. I knowingly chose to stuff my face all the while panicking because I knew that three days of binging were not going to allow me a loss for this week. So, of course I am currently of the horrible mind set that while I have already eaten my weight in crap today. I may as well enjoy dinner. ((SMH))

FYI- Binging for me includes about 3000-3500 calories in a day which is 2 times and sometimes 2.25 times my allotted calorie intake.

Like the little chicken shit that I guess I am proving myself to be I will not be posting this until next week when hopefully I will have remedied the damage I have already done. (I know, not good to talk derogatorily about myself but you and I both know NOT POSTING THIS UNTIL NEXT WEEKS WEIGH IN IS BEING CHICKEN SHIT)

But this blog cannot be considered real or honest if I wait to post what happens in this journey just because I am ashamed of writing and posting it NOW as it happens. THAT IS just being chicken shit. And I'm not chicken shit. I know I've allowed myself to be weak. I stopped caring and allowed the eff-it all mentality to seep back in.

It started on Wednesday. My grandma made spaghetti. I love spaghetti and every time she makes it I say I won't eat it and then I do and then I eat too much and end up with Gerd and just want to die. That is what started my downward spiral. Mind you, I am not making excuses. I am simply explaining how it all went down. I won't even tell you what went through my mind because in a nutshell my mentality has been Eff-it-all. So then my sister decided to make what we call 'white trash cookies' for her boyfriend for valentines day. Well, she isn't well inclined toward 'using the kitchen' (sorry Court, you're not and you know it) so my mom and I ended up making the majority of the cookies. They are Ritz crackers with powdered sugar sweetened peanut butter in the middle and dipped in chocolate. I ate 2 and by then was feeling pretty damn awful. (Again, I am in no way blaming my sister or her cookie making idea for my own weakness. It is just a 'series of unfortunate events' in my long list of three day's worth of battles lost) 

Yesterday was valentines day. It started out with me wishing Mr A happy valentines day through text with cute little emoticons and emoji hearts and candy boxes and then him copying and pasting my sentiment and sending it back to me with a 'to you too' attached at the bottom. I was insulted that he didn't take the time to at least write it out himself. He copied and pasted mine! WTF?! Compound that with the fact that every other bitch in the world texted him to say happy v-day too and I was feeling pretty darn low. I felt about as special as if I was absolutely no one. And in true self pitying fat girl fashion, I took out my feelings of worthlessness and sadness and pain on food. 

But today was the coupdegras of it all. Yesterday and Wednesday I at least counted everything I ate. Today went well until afternoon snack. By then my mind was overwhelmed again with crap. Drama of Disneyland and going with my family vs. going with Mr A. Visiting Mexico because he keeps bringing it up. Living with him because he keeps bringing that up. Feeling absolutely trapped because no matter what I do I feel this debilitating pain. Pain of loving him as much as I do and not being with him and thinking of all the other girls who he has 'waiting in line'. Or the pain of being with him but being limited because he can be a threat, he can be a bad example and there are a lot of things he would like or wants me to do that I am just not willing to do. As well as the threat of all those other girls regardless of the fact that 'we are together'. The putas just don't give a damn if a man is spoken for anymore. (Although many people say I divorced him and so he isn't spoken for anymore - I figure if the two people agree they are in a relationship *be it a marriage or not* then they are spoken for... yes?)

In any case today went to hell in a hand basket. I had planned it out, sorted my calories so that my two bad days wouldn't really matter and was in the process of remedying it all and then one thing got changed up on me and it was as if I was exactly where I stood 25lbs ago, feeling helpless to the call of food to numb me and comfort me. I didn't count it all today. After lunch I didn't count anything. I binged mindlessly. 

And oh my god did I pay for it. Physically, mentally and emotionally. But the stomach pain. Oh the stomach pain. The gas. The time in the bathroom and the Gerd while I sleep. I really don't know why I put myself through this torture. 

But it's over now. I literally made myself sick. And I'm done. 

No more food today and tomorrow morning I will work it all out as if nothing had ever happened. No compensation for the binges. Just my normal 1500-1700 calorie intake and may the pounds fall on or off as they may. I'm not going to punish myself over this any more than my three day binge has already punished me. 

Three days worth of battles lost, but I still have the war to win!

4 comments :

  1. MM-
    2 points about your post:

    1. People expect those "aha" moments to come, but the reality is that they very seldomly come on in an instant. Instead they usually show up months after making the correction and are more like an "observation about past bad behavior".

    2. Quite often we are our own worst critics when it comes to weight loss. Cut yourself a break from time to time (just not all the time).

    FogDog’s Weight Loss

    ReplyDelete
  2. I agree that you do need to cut yourself a break.

    However, you do need to be accountable to yourself.

    Let's start with the ex. I imagine you divorced him for good reason. That will not change. Start over. I have been there. Break the pattern.

    Do you have health insurance? Start looking into a lapband, please. I know, I know; I resisted for years and lost years of happiness. But what you are trying to do on your own is very difficult. If there is a way to get a tool- get it. It changed my life when I felt helpless to change it myself.

    And honestly, once you conquer one thing, the rest will be easier because you feel stronger and realize you are in control of your life and your daughter's lives.

    ReplyDelete
  3. ((hugs)) I know this is hard. I know it is. And honestly, I'm teary eyed over your post because whether you know it or not, we ALL go through this. We all have those days where we feel the need to be numbed to all the outside pain. We do it, we survive it, and we move on. You've proven you know how to do this -- you know what to eat and how to exercise. But what you haven't learned but are learning (as we all are) is self love without self medicating. Because that is exactly what you did. I do it, too. All foodies do it. Its like how an alcoholic, druggie, smoker, all deal with the day to day issues. But you can't walk away from food. You can control you and even if you had a slip, you're still moving. Like walking up a muddy bank. You may fall sometimes, but you get back up and keep going. So while I know this sucked and was hard and my heart hurts for you, you have to do exactly what you're doing... get up, start over, and just keep doing what you know works. You don't need a lapband, you don't need to start all over. Just get back to what you were doing and what was working and in the end, it will balance out. It's not about perfection -- it's about progress. And you've made progress in SPADES! Same goes for the man -- if there is any doubt of his loyalty and affection and you got rid of him for valid reasons before, remember that and stick to it. In your heart and mind, you know what you're doing is right and you need to keep going. Don't be fooled by the wolf (in sheep's clothing). No matter your size or looks, a real man loves you endlessly without judgment. And if he has an issue, he will help you, not hurt you. If you are filled with doubt, it's your soul warning you. ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi! I was married to the first man: 24 years. Then we divorced. Then we immediately re-married, for another six years. Then we divorced. Then I found Mr. Right (AFTER the age of 50!), and we have been happily married for 9 years. Don't go back to him. There is a good reason why you divorced, and he won't change enough, and if he doesn't respect you enough, drop him to the curb for good. You are better and worth more than that!

    ReplyDelete

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