Monday, March 25, 2013

One Step Forward - And Then I Fall Down

First off let me give a big ol THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH to Jewlz who blogs over at Searching for Jewlz. She posted the most amazing comment on my last post which gave me so much strength and inspiration for what I had to go through today. So thank you lady. Your comment and the story you shared literally gave me the strength to endure what I had to do today. THANK YOU THANK YOU

Today was good. One of the better Mondays I have had in a long time. Unfortunately it did involve Mr. A because as the custodial parent it is my responsibility to absolutely follow the parenting plan. Well, even though one isn't directly in place right now, I want there to be no shadow of a doubt that I AM NOT keeping the girls from their dad. So last night when I was finally asleep and he texted me that he would meet us at 11 at IHOP I agreed. If the parenting plan were currently valid he would have 5 hours with his girls. I am willing to do this. It shows not only that I am not keeping them from him but that I am willing to let him see them even under circumstances where I don't have to.

So we met him at 11. Immediately he started off on the wrong foot. Breezy asked him if they could get a toy and he said no. Then as is his MO he changed his mind. Breezy is not good with wishy washy people and her confusion manifested in her bopping him on the head. Of course, I do not condone that but I would have told her to look me in the eye and said sternly that it is NEVER OKAY TO HIT, ESPECIALLY ON THE HEAD. What did Mr. A do? He YELLED at her DON'T HIT MY HEAD and used her full name which embarrassed the heck out of her. She doesn't trust him enough to be reprimanded by him, let alone yelled at and still feel that he loves her. I could see it in the slump of her shoulders and her downcast eyes. I also saw the transition on his face from pure rage to guilt. He tried to make amends by pulling her to him but she jerked out of his hand which infuriated him again and through gritted teeth he growled for her to 'come here' while grabbing her bicep and yanking her toward him. Until now I had kept my mouth shut, watching as the situation played out but as soon as he grabbed her arm I spoke up and in the most calm voice I could muster and in a volume I deemed appropriate for a restaurant atmosphere, I said, "don't grab her arm and do not yell at her that way,". He proceeded to tell me I couldn't tell him what to do and went to pull her toward him again. "She needs her space away from you right now. Let go of her arm." I demanded this in a bit of a louder voice and moved my chair back to stand in case he didn't comply. The minute he released her she dropped out of the booth and appeared at my side, crawled into my lap and buried her face in my chest. All I could do was shake my head. I was so angry.

He didn't like that I was shaking my head and told me so and then repeated that I was not to tell him what to do with HIS daughters. I had a moment of needing a good pissing contest and I told him, straight to his face eye to eye, "Not only will I tell you what to do, but when, where how and why and if you think these past few years have been me being to strict with the {parenting} schedule, than you haven't seen ANY-THING."

He scoffed and said, "we'll see when I get legal help,"

I admit I should have stopped but I goaded him.

"Yeah, we'll see. You get your lawyer and I look forward to seeing you in court."

That shut him up. And his silence was golden. Music to my ears.

Breezy didn't want to sit with him anymore after that.

We walked to Target after breakfast and I had to tell him twice not to let Breezy walk on the curb next to a 4 lane very busy street. Men. ((SMH))

He then bought them more toys they don't need and princess shoes. ((sigh))

After Target we went to see The Croods. He allowed them each their own candy (Breezy had Swedish fish and Sassy had skittles) plus popcorn plus soda. Can we say sugar overload?!?!

Then as if that wasn't enough, after the movie he told them they could get ice cream from Baskin Robins 31 Flavors. I told them no. I heard Sassy tell him I said no and then he told her that he didn't care what I said. So, I gave the girls a choice; get your ice cream now but there will be no more sugar or snacks tonight. OR don't have ice cream and we can have Popsicles or what have you for dessert after dinner. Breezy chose ice cream. Sassy chose dessert after dinner.

The best part of the whole day was after the ice cream and Mr. A asked the girls what they wanted to do now and I asserted that it was 5 minutes away from his 5 hour allottment and that it was time to head to the parking lot. No one argued. No one cried. Though Mr. A did look put out. In the past when they have been with him all day and/or it is very late when he leaves the tears flow, the crying ensues, the sniffles persue long after he has gone but TODAY. OH SWEET TODAY. We buckled the girls in the car at 3:58 and the girls grabbed their new toys and said, "Bye dad!" and we were off. No tears. No sadness. Just a good day (for the girls) not to be followed by extreme pain and withdrawal. YAY!

This makes me one happy mama.

I did suffer today though. In my attempt to have and maintain complete control over Mr. A and the girls and all situations regarding them, I completely LOST CONTROL OF MY EATING. Gone. Poof. Out the window. And it really started this morning before we even left the house. I fought with myself about eating breakfast at home vs. eating at IHOP. IHOP is not a trigger and a 'for me' omelette or a plain waffle with chopped bananas is totally on plan but I JUST COULD NOT DECIDE if I should eat there or home. Part of me decided I would eat there, so I ate nothing at home. Then when I arrived a scary thought passed through my mind. I have $3.00 to my name until Friday and what would happen if he left me with my portion of the breakfast bill if I ordered something. So, I didn't. What I did end up doing was getting so hungry that I ate the other half of Sassy's grilled cheese and some of Breezy's fries. That is where it all started and where sanity completely evaporated into thin air. The rest of the day was a food nightmare. Suffice it to say tomorrow's weigh in, yeah, not looking forward to it.

But it will happen. It's all a part of the journey. Learning. Progressing. Reverting. Learning some more and moving forward. 3 Steps forward 5 steps back. 2 steps forward, 1 step back. 1 step forward. As long as you keep attempting to move forward.

So, I will. This week will be a tough one. I need to really pull out the 'I'm In Control of the Food' card. Not the 'The Food is In Control of Me' card. Birthdays, Easter ... It will be a doozy and one way or another I will survive. One thing for sure though is that I am not missing any more Zumba. I told myself I would Zumba yesterday and didn't. Tomorrow first thing, Zumba. Wednesday, first thing will be Zumba. My mornings are not ever busy so it will always be started with Zumba. I can do this. I can get back on track.

OH AND THE DEPO IS LEAVING MY SYSTEM! I am so excited to not have to keep going in to get those shots!! WOOP! Perhaps once it completely leaves (providing I can stay on plan) the weight will come off a bit easier. For anyone who doesn't know, Depo is a synthetic estrogen that traps fat cells and not only makes it difficult to lose but actually makes you gain weight. So, we will see.

Now, that I have written a novel it is time to put my chillun in jammies, sing some songs, listen to them snore for a moment and then watch some Bones. Night peoples!


  1. One foot in front of the other and eventually it will get easier. People are so clueless sometimes. My 7 yr old is very sensitive and my hubby just doesn't realize that raising the voice doesn't work.

  2. No offense, but you both need to find a way to not play out your anger at each other, in front of your children. :(

    1. Divorce is an ugly ugly thing and you are right. The problem is that the only time we see each other is when our children are present. He lives in another state. Not making excuses, just explaining reality AND when one parent verbally or physically abuses a child, the other parent not only has the RIGHT but the OBLIGATION to step in to defend that child.

    2. here, here!! totally agree with you Misc Mom ... my ex is exactly the same, doesn't do anything but yell at my kids, always has always will, and sometimes mommas need to speak up to protect their little ones :)

  3. sounds like you had a great day...btw I am on depo and actually like it because I have a tendency to forget to take pills..and I have lost 90lbs on it.

  4. *blush* Thanks for the shout-out! Just trying to be supportive and let you know you aren't alone. :)

    Heh heh. I'm sorry, but I disagree with Gwen. You didn't 'play out anger', you PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. Sometimes when you have a more passive personality and aren't confrontational, bullies like your ex think they can push you around. So, you stood up for him in a calm and controlled way. That is NOT taking your anger out. That is standing up for you and your kids. I say, BRAVO MOMMA!

    And yeah... Depo. HATED IT. I know a few who had good luck like Jenn, but my experience was AWFUL. I had terrible headaches, mood swings, and weight gain. It was hell for me and I couldn't stand it. I was so relieved to get off of it! AND, I dropped 25lbs. really fast and I had changed nada. Just proves that works well for one person, won't necessarily work for another.

    You'll get it back it gear. It'll happen! Just keep moving forward. :)


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