Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Revelations of Kristen (Cuz That's Me)

So, I have been fighting with myself about this topic. I have felt completely out of sorts, and as listed in my LAST POST, there are various reasons why; that could range from hormonal to situational to just regressive habits. I have really been struggling with why I suddenly feel so down about my journey. Mind you, the feeling down part started today so it isn't like it has been festering much.

Today, all day, I have felt down. I kept telling myself that I was depressed that I gained almost a pound this week. But that just didn't sit well with me. I know what I did and what I didn't do to deserve that 0.8lb gain.
(and yes Mrs. Swan, it was actually 0.8 not 0.6. I booboo'ed... And I totally noticed that you stole borrowed my weight chart, and that is totally cool)

I know what I consumed, I know the exercise I did, I know everything there is to know about this weeks good and bad and everything in between and I am GOOD with my EFFORT.

And because I came to the realization that I am good with my effort and I don't feel like I am beating myself up over the minimal gain and I don't feel guilty and I don't feel like all is lost due to that gain, then what is causing this depression and the urges to sabotage everything?

I racked my brain all day and this is what I concluded:

  • It is NOT Dillweed. His presence thus far has been everything but unpleasant. Yes, just his presence is a bit of a stress to the little girl who lives deep in my brain and in my memories. Yes, I still harbor animosity. I won't lie and say that it has disappeared, but HE IS NOT THE REASON.
  • It is MOST LIKELY NOT Mr. A. I have put up with his antics for almost 12 years. I am no newbie to the games he plays, the mistakes he makes, the lies he tells, and the manipulation he tries to wield. Yes, it stresses me, but no, I do not feel that this is a factor in my issue today.
  • It is NOT my food choices. Yes, sometimes they could be better. There are days I feel that I eat too much processed crap and if I just cut it out then my calories would decrease significantly but there are days when I am fine with my consumption and I feel that I am doing very well. 
  • Part of the feeling down COULD be due to the depo provera leaving my system. For those of you who don't know, depo provera is an injectable birth control. It causes you to not ovulate nor have periods. Now that the hormone is leaving my system and I am on my first post shot menstruation, it is possible that my quasi depression is related to the hormone imbalance as my body tries to regulate itself. I am okay with that and I will NOT use it as a reason to stuff my face or binge. 
  • It is NOT ZUMBA. I still heart Zumba with everything in me. Dance is in my bones. I have felt it in my bones since I was a young girl watching the dance team of my junior high and high school from the bleachers. I used to think I had a strange tick, how every time I would watch them dance my hips and arms and shoulders would twitch. Now, I realize that it was just the unrecognized longing to be a part of what they were doing. I wish I had realized that sooner.
My ultimate conclusion occurred to me as I realized how much I still LOVE ZUMBA. How much I still crave the movement and want to do it all the time. This last week, I took myself COMPLETELY out of my safe little house comfort zone and not only attended a LIVE Zumba class for the first time in 2 years but I also attended a Yoli party which is COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER FOR ME. I am essentially a solitary person by nature. I love the company of my family. I even occasionally love the company of friends and of course I love my communication with all of you in the world of blogging BUT I am essentially a loser LONER. I took myself so very far out of my comfort zone that I think my mind rebelled. OVERLOAD.

Too many things happening at one time in my life:
  • Arrival of Dill Weed
  • Mr. A and all that encompasses him (enough said)
  • A family friend's son being diagnosed with heart failure
  • A family member having serious surgery and then revision of that surgery
  • My mom's health (she potentially has MS but has not been officially diagnosed)
  • My grandfather's health (he is 65 and works like he's 25 as a general contractor with neuropathies, ulcers, migraines, hernias, a displaced clavicle, and a torn thigh muscle and those are just the health issues that pop into my brain at the moment - yet he works 10 hour days 6 days a week as if he were young)
  • In addition to all that I have the depo leaving my system
  • Stresses from realizing that my little girl is going into kindergarten
  • Stress from the neediness of my 3 year old who realizes her sister will be leaving her soon for a good portion of the day (essentially losing her best friend for a portion of the day)
  • Finances
  • World stress (gas prices, political crap, government crap, legal crap, etc)
And then I go and literally shove my hermit ass self out the door to a LIVE Zumba class where not only do I feel totally out of my element, but I don't know the dances that the other students have already been practicing for 5 weeks, so I push the hell out of myself and do every damn move to the very best of my ability and end up sore for 4 days. THEN as if that isn't bad enough I shove myself out the door again to go to a Yoli party. I don't go to parties. And I was bummed that I wasn't financially capable to buy the product. However, in all fairness I loved it; the party and the product. I loved going and I loved learning about how our bodies work. But I need to wait until life is a little less overwhelming to start branching out and taking on too much.

Thus, I have decided:

  • No LIVE Zumba EVERY WEEK. Just maybe 1 or 2 times a month.
  • No more parties. It is much more important that I am home with my babies
  • I MUST ENJOY THIS JOURNEY AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY LOVE FOR IT. 

Last time, I allowed myself to work too hard for too long and I burned out. I let others' expectations of me become sovereign in my life and when I couldn't meet their standard I felt like a failure. I pushed myself to do LIVE Zumba way too often and when my body begged for a break I told it no and I literally burned myself out and when I did that, I turned back to my best friend; food. 

Not this time. 

I am recognizing where I need to 'shave off the fat' so to speak. 

This.Is.Not.A.Race. 

This.Is.Life

I only have one and if I burn myself out in every endeavor I seek I will always feel like a failure.

Not this time.

This time, I will take it slow. 

This time, I will enjoy the journey.

THIS TIME I WILL SUCCEED.

3 comments :

  1. Wow you have such incredible insight into your feelings!! Love this post... you saw the crack in your emotions, analysed it and I think you nailed it as to why ... fantastic! I need to take a leaf out of your book!! <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are spot on and this is what I was coming to post on your previous blog. Do this YOUR way. Make YOU happy. It is YOUR journey and you have to listen to what you know. In the beginning, it's hard to do that because what you know is the old stuff. But you know what you're doing now and you need to keep listening and making progress, but not at the expense of your mental health. You are doing this, one day, one pound, and all heart this time. You've got it. Just hold on and you will get through the hard parts that we all go through -- although yours seems like a whole lot! ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yeah! It is NOT A RACE and I have to tell myself that as well (see previous post titled that lol)

    I told you I umm borrowed it a few weeks ago in the comments. LOL

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...