Sunday, March 10, 2013

Today's Menu is Verbal Diarhea


I wrote the post below 5 months ago.

Please read and know that what follows is the reason you are (re)reading.

____________________________________________________________

(Originally written October 2012)

A little history:

 When I was 6 months old my mom (who was very very VERY young when she had me) started dating a guy who we will call Dill Weed. (And yes, we do actually call him that) Dill Weed was a volatile human being with a short and easily fueled temper. My mom and Dill Weed dated for several years and he asked her to marry him THRICE. (that's three times) The first time she called it off. The second time my grandparents called it off. And the third time, even though marriage counselors, pastors and family alike all warned her against marrying this deeply dysfunctional human being she married him. I was 6.

 In case my nickname for him does not suggest how I feel about the man, I am not extremely fond of my stepfather. From infancy into adulthood he resented me and treated me like the plague. A child to be dealt with because I belonged to the person he loved desired. He had no affection, compassion or parental guidance to offer. I grew to resent him too, though as a child you explain that resentment as 'I don't like him'.

Now, as an adult, I realize the origin of the deep roots of that resentment and bitterness I feel. My most fond memories of him ((note extreme sarcasm))are when I was three and sitting in my car seat in my mom's red Toyota pickup. We roll to a stop at a stop sign and to my 3 year old terror there Dill Weed is in his silver truck next to us yelling profanities at my mom, threatening her, screaming at her and her screaming right back. My slightly distorted memory is of a monster faced Dill Weed.

 Another is when he was watching me one night while my mom had to work and I was extremely sad that she left, let alone that I had to be left with him and so I cried and cried. I remember crying that I wanted my mom and I didn't want her to leave and instead of comforting me he yelled at me from the couch to stop my crying or he'd give me something to cry about and then when I didn't stop he sent me to my room, told me to stay there and that he didn't want to see me for the rest of the night. I remember sitting on my bed in the dark just sobbing.

 Yet another is when my mom and he were in the middle of a particularly heated and verbally abusive fight and he picked up the solid oak chair from my kiddie table in a visual threat of throwing it at my mom.

 And then there were all those nights when the doors would slam and he would leave and then return and the screaming would resume and then the doors would slam and it was a vicious cycle until my mom would have enough, pack us up and we would leave to my grandparents' house. Those were the only times I felt safe, was when we went home (where I had lived the first 6 years of my life) to my grandparents' house.

 I moved to Washington from California when I was 20. In addition to escaping other disturbing facets of my life, I wanted to escape HIM; the overbearing, mother persuading, corrupt and deeply prejudiced stepfather he was.

In 2008 my mom left California to move up to Washington, leaving Dill Weed there. She knew he would never move to Washington and decided to leave him anyway. So, from 2008 forward she lived here with my sister.

 In 2009 I divorced my husband and moved in with my mom and the household of 2 became a household of 5. The dynamics were off and it took a long time for my mom to compromise on a lot of things. But then Dill Weed's dad passed away in 2011 and he decided to move up to Washington as well. It was all shits and giggles for a while. And then his true colors began to shine through. His volatile behavior began to crack the facade of the candy coated impersonator he had become. He became withdrawn, snappy, easily angered. He slept a lot. He displayed odd behavior and then we became aware of his habit of prescription drug abuse. We all knew he was on large doses of medication for pain but we didn't know how much he was taking and that not all of it was prescribed to him let alone that he was and had been abusing it to the extent that he did.

One Wednesday Evening 6 months ago:

 There was an incident that could only be described as an accidental overdose and then other behavior of deception and theft came to light. My mom sent him packing and told him she was done. He remained in Washington for a week and when he realized my mom was not going to take him back he put himself through a week of detox and moved back to California, all the while keeping in contact with my mom and pleading his case to come back. In time my mom got used to the idea of bringing him back. He argued that he was going to therapy and working through HIS DEEPLY ROOTED ISSUES FROM HIS CHILDHOOD. He plead her forgiveness and told her he was changing. My grandmother who we will call Momo says that this has happened more than two handfuls of times in their almost 3 decades together and she doesn't believe that he has changed or will change as significantly as he claims.

Which brings me to the dilemma.

I am not interested in having a relationship with Dill Weed. I don't want to work on it. I don't want him coming back. I am glad to be rid of him. I understand that my mom wants to do the right thing and work on her marriage and I support her. Only her. I do not want to be a part of his return. I do not want to live with him.

I also know it is not all about me.

I know my mom has a right to try to save her marriage. I know that, for her, I should make an effort to be civil and help her make the atmosphere of the house a happy one if and when he returns especially since I have no chance right now of making it on my own the way the economy and the job market is. So, I know it is wrong of me to be so unforgiving and petty when my mom has been so good and giving to me.

But that is how I feel. And of course, not at all toward my mom. Just him.

It is my turn to be resentful and bitter and cold. It is my turn not to give a flying eff how he feels or if he is sobbing on his bed at night in the dark. It is my turn to watch TV contentedly while he yearns sad and alone for my mom. It is my turn.

My gramma (Momo) spoke with him at length yesterday about how he is changing, his therapy, his temper, his recuperation from addiction and whenever she brought up appreciating life or the present, all he could say was that he wanted to come back. A 50 year old man living in the future and the want of what he does not have  instead of in the now, appreciating the life he has, the breath he breathes and the things surrounding him that he very well could have completely lost along with his life after the stunt he pulled 6 months ago.

I firmly believe:

Once a liar, always a liar
Once an abuser, always an abuser
Once a manipulator, always a manipulator

Unless God intervenes and this man does not have God in his life.


_____________________________________________________________

(Back to the present)

Now, 5 months later, still in California and after dropping therapy because he couldn't afford it and insurance would no longer pay for it and after getting laid off his highest paying job he is back at getting my mom to bring him back up here to Washington. 

"This is the perfect time," he says. 

The difference is that this time she is bringing him back.

Saturday.

This Saturday. 

6 days from now.

WTF?!?!

. . . And I am having a hard time with this emotionally. 

I still feel the way I felt.

I am still resentful.

I am still bitter.

I still hate everything he was to me as a child

And I believe that monster will always live inside of him

I still shiver inwardly at the idea of living with him. 

I thought I had escaped that more than 7 years ago when I moved up to Washington.

I had no idea when I divorced that he would come and then go and then try to come again.

I don't think he has changed.

How does a person change the entire core of their being in 11 months?

The answer to that one is easy . . .

They don't.

I am scared for my mom. 

He plays games. 

It is a constant tug of war for her attention between him and my girls and me and the family. 

Yet she allows it.

He takes her on emotional roller coasters, stresses her out, makes her a completely different person.

Yet, she allows it.

I suppose I shouldn't worry so much. 

Because she allows it. 

I am not so much worried about circumstantial or situational differences with him here in the house. 

I am worried about the ambiance. 

Before it was like a heavy black rain cloud presided directly above our house. 

You could feel the tangible stress, you could cut the tension with a knife and that is when my binge eating was worst. 

Because of the angst and stress he brought. 

When he left, the cloud physically lifted and everything felt lighter. Better.

Everyone (including my mom) said so

And yet, he isn't even here and I am already exhibiting symptoms of stress/anxiety about him being here

My patience and tolerance of my children has been cut into quarters.
(I'm sorry my babies) 

A mess of crumbs on the floor is somehow so detrimental you would think someone died there.

THIS IS TOO EFFING HARD FOR ME. 

The return of the black cloud is too much

The return of the strife and the angst and the stress and the confusion and everything he brings is too much

Will that be different now?

NO 

Will I have to fight resurfacing demons?

OF COURSE, I WILL. 

HE IS MY DEMON!

I am not looking forward to this.

I do not support him coming back.

I do not want him back.

But she is allowing it.

So, I have to endure it. 

. . . . . . . . . 

I just want to lay down and cry. And cry. And cry. 

I am FEEL SO depressed.

And I'm going to stop now because I AM going to go lay down. 

And cry and then sleep

Maybe I can sleep this off

Maybe I will be more optimistic when I wake up

Maybe 

7 comments :

  1. So sorry that this cloud is coming back into your life. Between him and Mr. A your plate is FULL. Also if I am not mistaken isn't this dude the one that would fill the kitchen with total shit food? (yes- I have a long memory lol)

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  2. Yes, unfortunately he is a garbage gut (or used to be - 'supposedly' not anymore - but I'll believe it when I see it) I won't be buying any garbage though. He will have to buy that himself.

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  3. My married daughter has a similar dysfunctional long distance relationship with her husband's step-father. She was relating to me how the phone in their home rang the other evening and her husband answered. His mom was on the other end, and my son-in-law said, "Oh no...what's the matter?"

    My daughter said her first thought was...Oh good, something happened to Bill. I told her it's probably not best to wish someone else the worst. But it's their relationship and good on my son-in-law for backing up my daughter in this ongoing drama.

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  4. Shit. That's all I know to say. Well, that and, I'm sorry. :(

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  5. Here's hoping this time things will be different!

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  6. Aww sweetheart! :( You have every right to feel these feelings and writing them down is good. I was the 'momo' in my marriage 7yrs ago when my sister did everything she could to get me to leave my abusive husband, including not giving me my car keys so I couldn't drive back to him. And yet I did go back to him, with my whole family questioning me, not understanding why I could put myself back into that position with my own free will. And my family rejected me, cut me out of their lives (I'm not suggesting in any way you would do that to your momo).

    I went back to him because in my head I wasn't ready to accept a life of being on my own, not because I loved him. I had to go through a journey of loving me, then I was strong enough to leave. This took a further two years, 2yrs of my family not being there when I needed them most!

    Love your mum through this, be there for her, pray to DaddyGod that he will help her love herself to give her the strength to realise she doesn't need this man.

    And when I did finally leave him I had to forgive him even tho he molested my daughter and did a lot of horrible horrible things. I didn't have to forget or excuse what he did, he was wrong but I had to give over the hate to God, to realise that it was God's job to punish him, not mine.

    Praying the prayer of forgiveness was so healing for me (not for him - for me) It gave me peace about the past. I still remember, I still know what he did was horrible, but I forgave him. A prayer like this will help you too, Dill weed was wrong, and horrible, and there is NO EXCUSE for it. In forgiving him will set YOU free from the cloud HE is. *hugs* (sorry for the long ramble)

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  7. Hi, Lynda here, a friend of Lyns. Your story made me so so sad and so mad. I bought my kids up on my own and my biggest concern was the men in my life and how they were with my kids. I remarried and ended up leaving the abusive man that he became to my then teenage children. I tried to leave him several times but always chickened out - he final straw came when my son wrote a school essay called 'About Me' and it was meant to be the story of his home life - it bought me to tears especially when it talked about how horrible my husband was to him. It ended "mum don't you realise I'm still your son". I left that man and never spoke to him again.

    I have seen so many children ruined by the stepfather and I hate it. Dill Weed sounds like the husband a friend of mine had but thankfully after many years she realised but it was too late for her kids to not have terrible memories of him.

    Anyway - love you Mum but I just don't understand why she still wants him in her life. You sure don't need him. Be strong and don't take his shit ever again.

    ReplyDelete

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