Monday, April 8, 2013

Jumbalaya of Wordage Because I Gotst Nothing to do and Nowherez to go . . .

I am sitting here, and my head is throbbing at my temples with spiky pains around the back of my skull and this intense aching behind my eyes. I am having a hard time keeping my eyes open because they burn so badly but I am kinda stuck in here, in my room. Mr. A is visiting the girls and they are in my front room. Aside from giving them space to interact and play, I am just not in the mood to see him. I already had to go help them once because he brought them Barbie computers and he needed my screw driver to open them.

Seriously dude, you don't carry one in your back pocket. Jeez! (just kidding of course)

I wonder why he bathed in cologne though? Just a random thought.

(Probably because he knew I had a headache and it was his extremely subtle way of stickin' it to me - again, just kidding - even though it is affecting my head) Do you see what my migraines do to my eyes?? It is disgusting and painful! ACK!

When he arrived he gave Sassy a coffee to bring to me. He had brought them McDonalds for lunch and I felt awkward because my gramma was going to bring me coffee. So, I called her to tell her that she didn't have to only to find out that she had handed the coffee off to him outside in the driveway and he had just brought it inside. I feel slightly better but a little embarrassed because at first I thought the coffee was a kind of peace offering. It is the kind of thing he does when he wants something from me or wants to gt back together or God knows what else. He's just that way. 'Here eat or drink something  and I'll have you in the palm of my hand' ... yes, he knows me well.  But I am glad to know it had come from my gramma. There will be no returning this time. Our relationship has to be done and apparently he is on the same page. Good.

So, here I sit sipping black coffee. BLECK! I am not a fan of black coffee but my headache can use the caffeine and I really don't want to go to the kitchen and pass Mr. A again to get the fixins (milk & sweetener)

It is another cold, crappy day here in the Pacific Northwest. I am ready for sun (although today I am thankful for the clouds because my head hurts so badly and sitting here at my computer I am forced to look outside)

Last night my mom took Emma to the 24 hour vet that I didn't know about who charges significantly less than the 24 hour vet I do know about and they did her exam only to find... NOTHING. It is almost comical how the poor kitty gets so lethargic and so depressed and yet there is NEVER anything significantly wrong with her. Our poor clinically depressed kitty. So sad.

Apparently, though, the vet did stick her finger up Emma's butt thought to dislodge any feces and while the first to exit was hard and normal, after the vet stepped away and my mom picked Emma up, our precious kitty proceeded to defecate in copious amounts of diarrhea on my mom's feet. Even though it does sound nasty it doesn't sound that bad, except if you knew my mom, you would know she was wearing (and always wears) flip-flops. EEW! So, yeah, it was THAT bad! She had to drive all the way home with cat crap stink on her feet. BLECKKKKKKK!!!!

Ok, I gave up and went to get creamer and sweetener for my coffee and food as well. Breakfast is a Smart Ones pancakes and sausage. I must say that while probably not the most nutritionally sound breakfasts they are quite satisfying and significantly low in calories. Less than 300.

I lost 2lbs this week. Not significant considering I was at 317 a few weeks ago, but I will take what I can get. I am working on this. Working and struggling and just really trying to beat that damn fat monster inside my head aside. Some days (like yesterday) it was easy. Other days (like Saturday night) it wasn't so easy and the stupid monster won.

You see, my fat monster isn't really fat at all. You would assume she looks something like the photo on the left.
But in reality, she looks like this. ^^^^

And she taunts me.

"You'll never look as good as me",

"You're effort will never be enough",

"Even if you lose every damn ounce of fat, you'll still look like a two ton heifer"

Sometimes she is less blatantly cruel and more sadistically persuasive.

"One bite won't hurt"

"One meal out won't break your week"

"You deserve a dessert (or 3) after all the hard work you have been doing"

"You don't need to Zumba today. You already did it four days this week"

.... yes, those are the kind of things my Fat Monster tells me. Most often, I can block her out or reverse the persuasive thoughts. But sometimes, I just cave. I hate the feeling of caving though and that is what this journey is all about, right? Learning not to cave. Caving, standing back up, learning another lesson and moving on with just that bit of a percentage of being less likely to cave next time. Right?

So, I did really well ALL Saturday and then Saturday night my aunt and cousin invited the girls and me to Mexican food for dinner. This is an extremely rare invitation. My aunt and cousin are pretty busy in their own lives and sometimes my girls annoy my cousin (who is almost 12 and a tween who gets easily irritated by children who idolize her) Anyway, we took advantage of the invite and went.

The 5 of us shared 2 baskets of chips and salsa (huge FAIL) and I ordered 2 chicken enchiladas with mole and rice and beans. I at all the rice, both enchiladas and only 1/2 the beans. The picture below was a google image but it is pretty much exactly how my plate looked, except the enchiladas were smaller with no cheese over the top.

We then went for fro-yo afterward. I had a cup of peanut butter with shredded coconut and carob chips. Super yummy and not super caloric. Again the photo below is from google images because I have totally been slacking on taking pictures of my own food. Just add shredded coconut and this is what it looked like.

 Probably about 175 cals for the entire dessert. Dinner, however, I have no idea. I am guestimating somewhere in the 800-1000 calorie range which means for the day I ate about 2000 calories. ((sigh))

That all being said, I am on the fence about posting measurements and a progress photo. Progress would assume that I am progressing, which essentially I am but I have not progressed past 317lbs so would you do a progress photo and measurements anyway or would you wait? That is my dilemma. If I do take my measurements and a progress photo, I can't really do that with Mr. A here. I need to be able to hear the children, the conversation going on between them and their dad and I need to be able to 'help' at a moments notice. So, if I'm in the bathroom with my clothes off, that really isn't possible. Thus, a second post will happen later today with that stuff if I decide to do it.

And now that I have bored everyone to tears, I am going to go read YOUR blogs and find out what is going on in YOUR lives cuz I am a good blogger friend like that ... haha


  1. lol you're definitely not boring anyone to tears ... love reading your ramblings. You have such a great ability to write

  2. I think you're doing well -- you are just going to have bad weeks! There are going to be weeks of gains, no losses, and GREAT losses. That's just how it is. But it's only one week out of 52. And that's what you have to remember -- it's only 1 out of 52. Make the best of the rest of them. So what you had a couple of bad weeks? The one week I wouldn't even call bad, the next, sure. But you know what, it's ONE WEEK. And this week was a GOOD week! I think you're doing great. You had really one week that wasn't great, and you got back on there and started right back up. And I have to tell you, THAT is more important than the number on the scale. That means that even if you don't feel it right now, that you're in this for LONG TERM. This isn't just 'some diet'. This is a real change for you. You CAN do this. I know you can and if nothing I say gets to you, you just look at what you've done and you will KNOW you can! ((hugs))

  3. Yes post the pictures. I thought I was just kinda sitting still and recently found two pictures...same place...same pose..same tight outfit...the progress was visible even if the weight hadn't shown much difference!

  4. Every day is a new one... there's always going to be vacations and "slip days" - I know I just came off of a few of them. But I don't feel deprived. I compromised. I hope I can remember that. You too!

  5. Congrats on the loss, I would be thrilled with a two pound loss! I know all about migraines, ugh. I had a crawling around on the floor excess vomiting one not too long ago. Hope you are feeling better. I know all about that fat monster too, hate her! She gets into my head too, it takes great strength to keep her away.

  6. Good afternoom Ms. MM: I was looking at my newest followers and found you. Yeppers, I'm glad I stopped by to see whom, what and all. You are a good writer and have so much happening in your life. Your girls are beautiful. Mr. A is not but I think ground rules is what you're going to need for the visit. Sounds like you have an awesome family and a gramma. Any weight loss is a good weight loss so take what you get and keep moving forward. It's not easy, not one little bit, but it really is worth is all.
    Take care and thank you for stopping by.


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